Moss whines way to Patriots, Raiders await germination of magic beanstalk

One interesting piece of news out of this weekend's incredibly boring NFL draft. The awesome-but-aging Randy Moss was traded to the New England Patriots for a fourth-round pick after two crappy seasons with the Raiders. Moss had apparently been unhappy in Oakland and had repeatedly demanded a trade to either New England or Green Bay. The Raiders were able to accommodate him. Lesson for the kids here: if you're stuck in a bad situation, don't make the best of it, or "work your way out of it," or any such nonsense like that. Just bitch and whine until someone else takes care of the problem for you. Randy Moss likes to teach life lessons to the kids. He views it like a sort of legacy.

Randy Moss paints another thoughtful
metaphor for oh, so many things.

But what about the teams involved? The Patriots have gone all Redskins on us, acquiring Moss, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker, and Adalius Thomas in an offseason spree that has to make them the Super Bowl favorites. Meanwhile, the Raiders used their fourth-round pick to draft John Bowie, a cornerback out of Kiffin College, which I believe is a small liberal arts school somewhere in Saskatchewan. I loved New England coach Bill Belichick's SportsCenter quote, saying "we worked hard to make this happen," or something like that. Well, did you really work THAT hard? You gave up a crappy draft pick for one of the most gifted receivers in NFL history. Was there a lot of wrangling there? What did you initially offer, like a bag of dried dog shit? A can of magic Goya kidney beans? Hey, Raiders. How about we let you give us Randy Moss, and maybe we could see our way to parting with, saaaaaay, this inanimate carbon rod. Don't look directly at the rod! It is very temperamental.

So all's well that ends well in the NFL. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and Al Davis continues to try and use a waffle iron to make a phone call. Dallas Cowboys on line two, Al. Or maybe your socks are just done drying.

Hyperlinks:
- See ya, Randy: Raiders send unhappy Moss to Pats for 4th-round pick [CNNSI]
- Police: Moss used car to bump traffic control agent [ESPN]
- Moss needs a role model, seriously [USA Today]
- Pats Go For Broke [CNNSI]

Technorati tags: NFL draft, Randy Moss, Oakland Raiders, New England Patriots

Recap of The Office: "Product Recall"

When this episode began, I admit I had my doubts. Hey, there's Jim playing yet another prank on Dwight, with Dwight being oblivious to the point of seeming insane.

But from there, I think this episode became the funniest of the season so far. I may need to watch it again, and I don't want to lose my head here, but dare I say...classic?

The main thread is that Dunder Mifflin had to recall 500 boxes of paper because a disgruntled employee embedded a watermark in there that depicted the animalistic coupling of two beloved cartoon characters. So Donald Duck is reaming Mickey Mouse, and the clients are in an uproar, prompting Michael to announce that the Scranton branch is at Threat Level Midnight. Michael alerts the media. As a means of controlling the story. A news conference (complete with 20 different levels of access) is organized. And of course, one guy shows up -- just enough to publicly document the debacle that takes place when a client angrily refuses to accept their novelty check for free paper.

To handle the surge in customer calls, Kelly gives Angela, Kevin, and Oscar a crash course in customer service. Kelly proclaims that "This day is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S, this day is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" Kelly then tells them that "I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause."

Before I go any further, I have to again give it up for Kelly, aka Mindy Kaling. She is absolutely stealing every scene she is in right now. While Pam mopes and Jim smirks and Michael and Dwight go crazy, there's Mindy Kaling in the background absolutely channeling that character. I now find myself hoping for Kelly scenes the same way I hoped for Smoking Man scenes back in my X-Files days.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Jim and Andy are dispatched to a local high school for some face-to-face damage control. Remember when I said before that Jim needed to grow a pair? Well, during this episode, he was taking Andy to task. Huzzah! First, because Andy is like Michael on Benzedrine. And secondly, because Andy recognizes one of the students as the girl he is dating. Man! That hurts. Andy is ultimately pretty upset about it, but in the end, Jim cheers him up without being too stupid about it. And there was nary a hint of Jim-Pam shenanigans this episode. Thank God.

Oh -- and Creed is now officially a dick. Before he was just crazy. But now, he's a crazy dick. He was the quality control guy, but didn't go to the mill to check the stocks. But he passes the blame to someone at the mill, and she gets fired. He then requests that the office folks put money in a card for her, and he pockets the money. Crazy dick.

"The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job," Creed explains. "So I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man."

So that's about it. Hilarious, fantastic episode. This post doesn't even remotely do it justice. Two thumbs way up. This one is definitely getting permanently Tivo'd this summer.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous recap of The Office [No One Appreciates Me]
- Recap of The Office: "The Negotiation" [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: The Office

The NBA playoffs are snoozy

Disappointing night in the NBA playoffs Wednesday. First off, the Wizards lost to the Cavs, 109-102. Nothing spells barnburner like a shitty team playing hard against a good team playing like shit. LeBron ended up with a nice stat line including 27 points, but he needed 22 shots to get there and missed all of this three-point attempts. The Wizards have been valiant throughout, but at this point, I just kind of want the season to be over. When your best player (Jamison) has no hope of checking their fourth-best player (Drew Gooden), then you're up a creek, my friend. Also, congrats to Jarvis Hayes for another big effort -- five big points on 2-13 shooting. You're an animal, Jarvis.

Awww...isn't he cute?

But the disappointments don't end there. The Mavs finally woke up and bulled their way past the Warriors in the second half last night. But the play was pretty uninspiring on both sides. Golden State's offense, even when it's clicking, is pretty ugly (it seems to be based entirely on broken plays). And Dallas is going to continue to flail like a headless chicken as long as presumed league MVP Dirk Nowitski continues to flail, also like that same animal. Dude. Dirk. You gotta post up those smaller defenders. What are you trying to prove?

And finally, the sawdust sandwich that is the San Antonio Spurs evened their series. Yippee. Every German's favorite team (well, maybe except the Mavs due to The Big German) is a model of emotionless efficiency. Tim Duncan has some wicked backboard angles. Electrifying! I'm sick of the holier-than-thou writers who come out every time the Spurs go deep in the playoffs to talk about how, if you don't like the Spurs, you're not a real basketball fan. No, buddy. YOU are not the basketball fan! A fan wants to be entertained. If I want to be dazzled by fundamentals, I'll go to fucking basketball camp. You snooty snot bag.

(l-r) Tony Parker and Tim Duncan warm up before game 2.

But Dirk and Timmaaay and all the other less-than-stellar stars are emblematic of the playoffs and the league right now. There are no real, honest-to-God stars out there. Maybe I'm spoiled by growing up in the golden age of basketball in the 1980s and 1990s, but still. It's bleak. Dirk isn't wired for the playoffs, Wade is still injured, Shaq and Iverson are getting old, Gilbert is sidelined, Duncan is so very very boring, Bosh and Melo are not bona fide stars, and Vince is a punk.

Did I miss anybody? Oh, right. Kobe. Now, he's just a sad situation. Like him or not, you have to feel bad for him, dashing himself against the rocks that are the Phoenix Suns every night. He's on such a mediocre team (largely his doing, but nevertheless) and he's so talented that I get frustrated for him. It's like the gorgeous girl with the psychology degree who waits tables at the diner down the road. Sure, she made some mistakes, but come on.

In the meantime, it looks like the only hope is Steve Nash and the Phoenix Suns. Too bad they're going to lose to the Spurs. Hope you like sawdust.

Hyperlinks:
- Just Off The Mark [Washington Post]
- Mavs still waiting on Dirk [Dallas Morning News]
- Spurs' stars join fight [San Antonio Express-News]

Technorati tags: NBA Playoffs, Washington Wizards

Tales of Poetic Justice, featuring Joe Francis

Didn't we have it all, Joe Francis? Didn't we? A young guy, making money hand over fist creating the Girls Gone Wild empire, selling DVDs and merchandise like there was no tomorrow. You had a huge estate in Mexico that reportedly contained a so-called Anything Button, to fulfill any number of hedonistic desires. Who knows? You may have even gotten laid once or twice along the way.

Joe Francis was living the high life.

But here comes the first twist. Are you ready? Turns out Joe Francis was kind of a dick. I know, can you believe it? He reportedly mistreated women! He lacked proper respect for the rules! And as we all know from Bible study, pride goeth before the perp walk.

But Joe had to learn the hard way. The federal government sued him in 2003 for allegedly filming underage women for Girls Gone Wild -- I know, how in the world did they get through the filter? -- and as they were settling the case, he yelled at plaintiffs. He then called the federal judge a "judge gone wild." Cute! Do you get it? That's really cute.


Joe Francis thought he had it all figured out.

But unfortunately, the judge didn't get the joke (it's a play on the "Girls Gone Wild" thing, your honor) and sentenced Francis to 35 days in jail for contempt. After this is over, Francis now faces up to 100 years in jail on state charges of filming the underage women and bringing drugs into his jail cell while awaiting trial. During his stay, a convicted murderer in the next cell over is serenading him with a special refrain: "Girls Gone Wild! Joe Francis! WOOOOOOO!" Over. And over. Again. And apparently, it is literally driving Joe crazy. Dare I say, he is going, oh I don't know, WILD? Oh, no. It's just too delicious! Now all we need is to find him dangling from the ceiling by a bra strap, and the cycle will be complete. We'll be right back, after this word from Taster's Choice.

Joe Francis' next DVD may have disappointing sales.

Hyperlinks:
- Master of His Own Celebrity [Details]
- Joe Francis: 'Baby, give me a kiss' [Los Angeles Times]
- 'Girls Gone Wild' founder jailed for 35 days [USA Today]
- Judge Shows No Mercy for Joe Francis [TMZ]
- Francis breaking down under cop killer's taunts [TMZ]

Technorati tags: Girls Gone Wild, Joe Francis, Poetic Justice

Former Terp Chris McCray doing gee-golly super job on North Dakota D-league team

As we all know, North Dakota is a basketball hotbed. It's home to serious ballin, son. So it's very gratifying to learn that former Terp Chris McCray is coming off the bench to help the NBDL's Dakota Wizards reach the D-league championship game, where they will take on the vaunted Colorado 14ers. I heard the 14ers have a center who's, like, six-four. Whew. Good luck, Chris.

Chris McCray had a cup of coffee with Milwaukee as well.

As you may recall, Chris McCray was the guy who lost his academic eligibility for the second half of his senior season with the Terps, when he apparently made the bold decision that Playstation was more important than class. So that may have set him back a little bit. But either way, good to see he's still out there making at least some modest headway in a non-Playstation area of life. And in North Dakota no less! The baller's paradise! Darn tootin!

Hyperlinks:
- Winning it at the Line [The Bismarck Tribune]
- Silver lining in McCray's loss? [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: Goterps, Chris McCray, Maryland basketball, NBDL, Dakota Wizards

Titans of Infotainment confirm early cycles of End Times

It's been a weird few days of news. There was Va. Tech, of course, and then the NASA thing. Then Boris Yeltsin and David Halberstam both die within 24 hours of each other. Then, one in a series of increasingly penetrating attacks results in one of the Iraq war's bloodiest days for U.S. forces. And a panel of retired generals now think that global warming could lead to still more conflict.

It is not difficult to take these troubling stories as signs that the apocalypse is upon us. But I spy an even more troubling sign. Behold, a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was Sanjaya. And Hell followed with him.

That's right. Sanjaya was a special reporter or something for People magazine at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner. Which was once an event for respected journalists. Hey, what just flew past my ear? Was that a locust?


Repent!

So there he is, mingling with real reporters, rubbing elbows with the Washington glitterati, smiling that smile that makes him look like he's about to have an episode of panicked vomiting right on your shirt front. Did he have any thoughts to share with People, his sugar daddy for the event as well as the journalistic equivalent of a soiled casting couch? (Seriously, People needs a name change. How about Everything Gets Three Stars Magazine? Or We're Just Going to Change A Few Words On Your Press Release And Run With It Magazine? You know, just to be more accurate about things.) Anyway, what did he tell this magazine? That doing a hair commercial "would be awesome." That's good. Hey, does a rash of revulsion count as pestilence? Or is that more of a boils thing?

Hyperlinks:
- David Halberstam, 73, Reporter and Author, Dies [New York Times]
- Rough-Hewn Father of Russian Democracy [Washington Post]
- Iraq Blast Kills 9 GIs, Injures 20 At Outpost
- Could Global Warming Cause War? [CBS]
- Sanjaya's a Hit at White House Correspondents' Dinner [People]

Technorati tags: Sanjaya, White House Correspondents Dinner, death

No post today

But please feel free to plumb the archives. Have a delightful weekend.

Sanjaya kicked off Idol. What will I do without my favorite girl?

Well, it's a singing contest again. After Sanjaya got booted from American Idol yesterday, only the best remain. It's like making vodka. You evaporate, you distill, you expunge the impurities, and finally, with any luck, you have a clean product. American Idol is now that. Well, relatively anyway.

Why do you hate me so? Hmmmmmmm?

I'm not sure how entertained I'll be without my favorite young lady on the show, though. Sanjaya showed a lot of courage -- you know, for a girl -- as she put the criticisms aside and sang her heart out week after week. So what if she shat the bed every episode, only to be carried into the final seven on waves of pure sympathy? So what if her voice was barely audible? So what if she was style over substance? I, for one, thought this little lady showed a lot of moxie. You go, girl.

So take Sanjaya's departure, and add it to Haley Scar-not-ho's exit last week, and all the dead wood and baggage has been cleared. (By the way, Haley is now saying that the skimpy outfits are not how she wants to be remembered. But without them, how would you have gotten your gig at the Tropicana? But she also says she'd be open to modeling. Eh? Dudes? What did I tell you? Playboy right around the corner.)

So now, let's get down to the business. I think next week, Phil gets the ax, followed by Lakisha (the "shocker"), then Blake, then Chris, and then Jordin beating out Melinda in a barn-burner finale. Let's get it on!

But not yet. That's for next week. For now, let us mourn the loss of Sanjaya, our most delicate flower. Forget the haters, Sanjaya. Five years from now, when you're running for president, you'll know who to thank. That's right. American Idol. And yourself, girlfriend. Thank yourself. Excuse me...I have something in my eye.

Hyperlinks:
- Hair and Gone: 'American Idol' Trims Sanjaya [Washington Post]
- Buh-Bye, Haley [No One Appreciates Me]
- Stems Fatale [Entertainment Weekly]

Technorati tags: sanjaya, American Idol, Haley Scarnato

Nationals full of something. Dare I call it pluck?

Wednesday was a feel-good night for Washington sports. First, the Bullets won their final game of the regular season over the sloppy drunk sorority girl of a basketball team that is the Indiana Pacers. In so doing, the Bullets acheived a .500 season and a first-round playoff draw with LeBron and the Cavs, which is probably the best possible matchup they could have hoped for.

However, secondly and perhaps more interestingly (if not more importantly), the Nats gutted out a 13-inning win at home over the Phillies. Fairly meaningless on a practical level, but in a Washington Zeitgeist sort of way, it was big.

It's the little things.

Now, Washington sports fans are smart. They may not be what you would call rabid, but they support their teams and have a high level of knowledge. So the locals know that the Nats suck, and will continue to suck for the forseeable future. In a few years, if they have a couple seasons in the new stadium and all this ballyhooed young talent doesn't start panning out, then we have a problem. But that's an issue for another day. In the meantime, people just seem to want to watch a team that plays hard and cares about winning, even if they don't always acheive it. Basically, we want our losers to be lovable.

And then, when the team (hopefully) gets good in a few years, we can talk fondly about the lean times we all went through together in that old rustbucket of a park once known as RFK Stadium. We'll be like an old married couple recalling their newlywed days in the poorhouse, when you were livin on Ramen noodles and swingin for the fences. I don't want to get too sappy or whatever, but these formative years are when a team, just like a person, establishes their identity.

So with gutty displays like last night, along with community-building gestures such as the players wearing Virginia Tech hats on Tuesday, there are definitely a lot of good feelings surrounding this plucky bunch. Attendance is still down (not even 19,000 made it out last night), but these things take time. And I'll be damned if I'm not seeing more and more Nats caps around town. Hey, if nothing else, they definitely work as the anti-Redskins. If they can counteract some of the it-sucks-that-we-have-to-root-for-such-an-unlikeable-team feelings around here, they've done their job.

(Speaking of which, are the Phillies the Redskins of baseball or what? A bunch of big-talking, underacheiving, can't-produce-in-the-clutch collection of alpha dogs with no team chemistry to speak of. Kind of an interesting comparison.)

So anyway, here's hoping the Nats keep it up. With last night's win, they assured themselves of not being in last place for the entire course of a season (the cellar now belongs to the Phils). So another tiny moral victory. But this is how you build a fan base. Nicely done. Go Nats!

Hyperlinks:
- Wizards Bounce Into the Playoffs [Washington Post]
- Nationals Go 13 Innings, Win on Lopez's Fly Ball [Washington Post]
- After Tragedy, Nats Show Their Support [Washington Post]
- Washington Nationals attendance [SportsNetwork.com]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, Jarvis Hayes, Chicago Bulls, Washington, D.C.,Washington Nationals, Nationals

(Photo credit: By Joel Richardson For The Washington Post)

All right, what else is on TV?

OK. Time to get out of the funk. No more CNN. What else is on? Ahh, yes. American Idol. Where I never have to do no thinkin. Here comes Ryan Seacrest now.

"We would like to offer our thoughtsandprayers..."

Great. Here we go. Another round of thoughtsandprayers. Thoughtsandprayers this, and thoughtsandprayers that. Those words have all the meaning of parsnip mash. But it's the new American mantra. Let's call it The Mantra of Perfunctory Condolence. People shake that phrase around like an old woman shakes her rosary beads. Hey, I'm part of the healing process! I posted thoughtsandprayers on my Myspace profile!

Anyway. Moving on. Even with thoughtsandprayers, Idol is still miles better than CNN. After all, it's country night, y'all! C'mon! I knew guest judge/coach Martina McBride would bring the biting criticisms. When I think Martina McBride, I think "acid tongue." So we went through the singers. Don't remember Phil, Jordin was good, Sanjaya was gawd awful even for Sanjaya, then there were some other ones, Melinda faked incredulity, Blake was pretty good, aaand we're clear. Although at one point, Chris Richardson (right after receiving some harsh criticisms from the judges) offered thoughtsandprayers for Va. Tech. And the camera caught Simon rolling his eyes. Then, in the next segment, Simon dismissively offered thoughtsandprayers as well, while looking all the time as if he was fighting off the urge to add "blah blah blah" to the end of his sentence. Now Chris is a good Virginia boy like me, so I'm sure it hit home for him. But he did time his thoughtsandprayers announcement rather impeccably for maximum vote-milking. Still, Simon could have been a little less, I don't know, assholish about it. But guess what. Simon is an asshole. Twenty years from now, he's going to pull a Don Imus, everyone is going to pretend to be shocked, and that'll be that. Flag the tape. This will happen.

But I'm backsliding...what's on another channel? There were the Washington Wizards, struggling to win a game -- any game -- as they end their regular season. The last home game came last night against the Orlando Magic. Antawn Jamison played out of his mind, scoring more than half the team's points with 48. Antonio Daniels was incredibly gutty, driving to the basket time after time despite a sore back that was clearly killing him. And Etan Thomas gave one of the best all-around pure efforts I've ever seen him give. And they still lost. I saw it coming when Etan fouled out and they brought in Brendan Pouty-Pants Haywood. Pouty Pants promptly fumbled away a rebound, then on the other end, played limp-wristed defense against Yakov Smirnoff Hedo Turkoglu for the game-clinching shot. Jarvis had a decent game for a change, but was of course completely invisible in the fourth quarter. The middle of the second quarter, though? Man. That's Jarvis Time!

The Wiz have one more game and then the playoffs start Saturday. I'm afraid to watch. So while it was actually a pretty crappy night of TV, it was Christmas and March Madness rolled into one compared to the last two days. Great times. Go mindless entertainment!

Hyperlinks:
- On Idol's Country Night, Simon is the Man in Black [Washington Post]
- Wizards Falter Once Again [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, TV, American Idol

Can't blog today

With the Virginia Tech story still unfolding and sinking in, it turns out I had some closer connections than I thought to a couple of the casualties. No really close connections, but close enough so that I can't really think of an appropriate post on another topic. Sorry. See you tomorrow, or whenever. Thanks.

Dana, you're doing a heckuva job

As the death toll speculation rose above 30 for the Virginia Tech atrocity, the White House addressed the issue at its daily news conference. Press Secretary Dana Perino had some very comforting and insightful words for the American people in this awful time of tragedy:

"Certainly, bringing a gun into a school domitory and shooting ... is against the law and something someone should be held accountable for."


Perino: mass murderers should maybe be punished.
You know, if it is determined that laws were broken.

Hmmmm...so let me see if I follow you, Dana. You're saying that someone "should be held accountable" for "bringing a gun into a school dormitory and shooting." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go out on any limbs from which we cannot return here. SHOULD be held accountable? Now, we don't want to SHOULD this fella to death, do we? Let's let all the data come in first before we debate the legality of this issue. After all, there's a lot of gray area to consider when, you know, 31 people have been heartlessly gunned down. So we really should take a moment to consider the appropriate course of subsequent action. Was he in accordance with local, state, and federal firearms regulations? Bet you didn't even think about that, did you? Dana Perino did.

Speaking of firearms regulations, Dana goes on to say that "the president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms." Well, I'm glad to hear that. As young adults are still being pulled bleeding from their dorm rooms and, in many cases, hauled off to the coroner's office, now is as good a time as any to re-assert the president's pro-gun stance. We have powerful special interests to consider in this White House. Why, what are YOU considering?

Update: At the very end of this story posted the day after the shooting, Dana is quoted as telling reporters that "today is not the day" to discuss gun control. Oh, I guess THE DAY OF THE SHOOTING must have been that day. Thanks for the clarification, Dana. Your warmth positively oozes out of you. Like an ooze.

Hyperlinks:
- Gunman killed after deadly Virginia Tech rampage [CNN]
- Bush Said Shocked at College Shootings [AP]

Technorati tags: virginia tech, Dana Perino, White House, Bush

Virginia Tech

Just a horrible, horrible, horrible tragedy unfolding in Blacksburg. As it stands right now, the number of people reported killed (22) is almost twice the number killed in the Columbine massacre (12). Columbine was, until this morning, the worst school shooting in American history.

I have several family members and friends who are Virginia Tech alums, and I myself lived in Blacksburg for several years as a kid and fondly remember the town and campus. Right now I'm just hoping the shooter is no longer shooting, and that medical personnel are able to reach and treat the victims who are still alive.

This calamity comes less than a year after the campus was locked down because of a gunman on the grounds. That time, a police officer was shot to death.

A bizarre and gut-wrenching string of events for such a sleepy little town in the Virginia countryside. It isn't possible to offer any emotions besides raw shock. And hope that the school and all the victims are able to recover.

Hyperlinks:
- At Least 20 Killed in Virginia Tech Shooting [Washington Post]
- Man Arrested Near Va. Tech In Two Killings [Washington Post]

Bulls de-pants, wet-willy hobbled Wizards

Whew. This was a tough one to watch. With Antonio Daniels out with injury along with Gilbert and Caron, the Wizards suffered their worst defeat of the season at home against the Bulls, 101-68.

The Bulls toyed with the Wizards. They gave them an atomic wedgie, then raised the torn underwear up the flagpole and made the Wizards salute it. Man. Being forced to salute your own underwear? It doesn't get any lower than that. But even after the point was made, the Bulls kept at it, experimenting with different lineups (a second line led by Ben Gordon, etc.) that they might have to use in the playoffs. Hey, may as well use the Wizards for some live target practice.

The Bulls collapsed around Antawn Jamison, rightly guessing that most of the active Wizards players were only partially qualified to take an NBA court. Donnell Taylor probably ran the point as best as Donnell Taylor can do it. Jarvis Hayes -- the natural choice to shoulder the offensive load in this game -- turned in a classic Jarvis line: 11 points on 4-14 shooting including 1-4 from three-point range, 3 rebounds, 0 assists, 2 turnovers. After the game, both teams joined together to tie Hayes to his locker with athletic tape. For his part, Hayes chose to pee his pants, and follow it up with some weeping.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Jarvis Hayes sucks.

With two games left and a small lead on the semi-surging Nets, these poor guys risk falling back to the seventh playoff seed, which in all likelihood would mean a first-round meeting with....the Chicago Bulls! At that point, the Wizards would meet the Bulls every morning before school at a designated location to hand over their lunch money for the day. Great. Can't wait until the offseason, when the Bullets will hopefully lift weights obsessively and come out next season ready to go postal. That'd show 'em. In the meantime, keep your heads up, guys. Better to spot incoming rocks that way.

Hyperlinks:
- Nothing Much to Shout About [Washington Post]
- Daniels Sits After a Hard Landing [Washington Post]
- Wizards in playoffs, Jarvis Hayes not very good [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, Jarvis Hayes, Chicago Bulls, Washington, D.C.

Has anyone ever heard of a Don Imus?

I was reading through the newspaper just now, and happened upon a rather prominently placed story indicating that a guy named Don Imus was fired for, like, making racist comments or something? Huh.

Let me fill you in. He had this radio show, right, but last week he apparently made some insensitive remarks about a basketball team? He said the team was unkempt, and then he questioned their purity! If someone happens to come across the exact wording of his comment, I'd love to hear it. Maybe we send away for the transcript?

Who is this? Florence Henderson? Bea Arthur? I wanted
a photo of Don Imus!

And today, the basketball team apparently has forgiven him. I bet Don was upset that they waited until after he was fired to forgive him. He looks like a fairly surly fellow. Well, except for the 1950s housewife hairdo. That's just effeminate.
But anyway, maybe Don will get to do his show in another market, where they've never heard of him before? You know, start fresh. I think that's in everybody's best interest. Just get away. A word to the wise, Don: This is the kind of thing where, if it gets out, the national media could have a feeding frenzy. You wouldn't want the world knowing what a racist jackass you are, would you? Your budding radio career could really take a hit. I'm just saying. Something to think about.

Hyperlinks:
- Don Imus Is Fired by CBS Radio [Washington Post]
- Rutgers coach says Imus' apology accepted [CNN]

Technorati tags: imus, Don Imus, obscure news stories

(photo credit: David Karp -- Associated Press)

Recap of The Office: "Safety Training"

I really don't know what to make of last night's episode. It was weird. It started off in a promising way, with Andy returning from anger management and taking some not-so-good-natured ribbing. But then he promptly disappears. What up with that, huh? What up? I sense that the show's writers didn't do so well in Wrapping Things Up 101. Maybe they were hungover. I don't know. I really don't want to speculate. But whatever the situation, maybe you guys want to get a GED in that or something? Try one of those correspondence schools. Get your degree in gun repair and wrapping up subplots, right in the comfort of your own home! It is a miraculous age that we are living in.

I was talking about something. Oh, right. The Office. Yeah, weird episode! In the middle, Darrell gives Michael and all the other office people a hard time for undergoing safety training for such a sterile, safe working environment, as opposed to their hard, dangerous warehouse workplace. And that's great. The white-people-are-so-lame humor angle is not played out. At all. That's not a horse that has been beaten to death by socks full of nickels, and then the lumpy corpse was flogged with paddles and left to dessicate in the sun, and then the bones were crushed into powder by a bulldozer, and then Keith Richards snorted the powder, and then a piano fell on Keith Richards' head and killed him, and he was cremated, and his ashes were sent into space, and the spaceship got lost in space. It's not like that at all. That is a verrrrry fresh angle.

But in any event, it leads to an ending I actually thought was kind of brilliant. Michael gets so upset over the belittling that he wants to show the warehouse guys how dangerous the office can be, so he decides to stage a mock suicide (to demonstrate the dangers of seasonal affective disorder), with him jumping off a building (Dwight rented a moonbounce for him to land in). Only he truly is depressed over Darrell's insult, and the office workers know he will be horribly injured if he jumps, so they end up talking him down, with Darrell finally having to tell Michael how brave he thinks he is. Everything up to that sort of sucked, but the ending was so clever that it made up for it. So what they hey. I'll give the episode a thumbs up.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous recap of The Office [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: The Office

Kurt Vonnegut was a damn good author

Sad news today that author Kurt Vonnegut is dead at 84. He had been a heavy smoker all his adult life, so frankly this is no surprise. However, that doesn't make it any less sad.



The scarf-wearing English majors of the world sometimes belittle Vonnegut's books for being sophomoric. And I'll admit that sometimes he was kind of silly. But being silly isn't the same thing as being facile. Everything he wrote positively dripped with imagination, and his books -- particularly Cat's Cradle, Welcome to the Monkey House, and the underrated Jailbird -- will be appreciated for a long time by anyone who uses books as a means to escape or explore. I've always liked the notion that good art creates an alternate universe that you immediately recognize as your own. Well, Vonnegut did that. So hey. Thanks, man. We'll miss you.

Hyperlinks:
- Writer Kurt Vonnegut, Voice of U.S. Counterculture, Dies [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Kurt Vonnegut

Buh-bye, Haley

Sometimes you just have to have faith in the American people and the democratic process. For me, that faith was renewed tonight when Haley Scarnato got kicked off American Idol. No way she was more talented than Gina Glocksen (and others), but this is not a time of regret. It is a time of relief. And of healing. She's gone now. That's what matters. Let the healing begin.

Keep your head up, Haley. They'll love you in Atlantic City!

Hyperlink:
- 'Idol' Has Seen Enough of Haley [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: American Idol, Haley Scarnato

Dear Haley Scarnato: please flounce away now

With this week's American Idol results show only HOURS away -- can you taste it? HOURS! -- I am hoping that my least favorite Idol female of all time gets the boot. And noooo, I'm not talking about Sanjaya. I'm talking about the no-talent ho, Haley Scarnato.

Tonight, I'm singing "Legs," originally legged
by Legs McLeg. Can you leg it?

Now, before you go suspending me for two weeks, I want to make my case. And here it is -- Haley Scarnato stinks at singing. That's it. She is not good at the part of American Idol that it is most important to be good at. Did you hear her version of "Turn the Beat Around" last night? Lot of soul there. And by "soul," I mean "hapless, breathy floundering." She loves to hear percussion like I love, I don't know, eating dog shit. The back-up singers were carrying her. She was terrible! And when the judges called her out, she shrugged it off. Why? Because she spent last week preparing to prowl the stage in increasingly higher heels and shorter skirts, not actually, you know, rehearsing the damn song. So what does it matter if they hate her singing?

Far be it from me to take issue with an attractive woman doing her thing, but is that the sole reason people are voting for her? Are these people aware of this medium called television, on which a hot girl appears approximately twelve million times each day? If you turn on the TV and do not see a hot girl, wait ten seconds. It's like shooting fish in a barrell, only the fish keep jumping out of the barrell and swimming up your ass. There's no sport in it. You don't need to vote for Haley Scab-not-ho (bada-bing!) to see a pair of legs on TV.

Hot girls are a dime a freaking dozen. So cut the line on Haley. Please! I can't listen to her flounder on stage anymore and then toss her hair at the judges because they dare to make this into a singing contest. She must be stopped.

Get her off, and then we'll attack Sanjaya together. I promise. And if none of this convinces you, just think -- the sooner she gets voted off Idol, the sooner she can start negotiating with Playboy.

Technorati tags: American Idol, Haley Scarnato

Wizards in playoffs, Jarvis Hayes not very good

I knew it was going to happen this way. Despite losing last night, the Bullets secured a playoff berth after Indiana lost to Philly. They're the wounded boxer who has to hope that the bell rings before they die. Indiana provided that bell last night. As for the playoffs, that's a different story. It's not their fault, but I really could see the Bullets not winning another game this season.

Remember before when I said it wasn't their fault? Welllll...that's not entirely true. One potential silver lining in this situation is that perhaps these injuries will allow the team to find out who is willing and/or able to be real players. So far, Darius Songalia and DeShawn Stevenson are among those who have consistently stepped up. (That said, no way should they have run TWO straight isolation plays for DeShawn in the final minutes. Bad coaching, period.)

But one guy who has not stepped up is Jarvis Hayes. According to the box score, Hayes scored 3 points on 1-7 shooting, to go with two big rebounds, one assist and one turnover, and three fouls. He went 1-4 from three and didn't get to the foul line one time. And even when hs is scoring, as in their previous loss to New Jersey, he adds virtually nothing else. He plays horrible, horrible defense, highlighted last night by his waaaaay late failed steal attempt in the final seconds that led to an uncontested, game-sealing Vince Carter dunk. So fine. But if you're going to be a shooting specialist, then there's one important aspect to that. You have to make shots. Every game. Not just when you're up 20 on the Hornets.

Now, Hayes seems like a nice guy. And he seems to want to "step up" and be a key cog on the team. I wonder if he gets a pass in the court of public opinion because he's so nice and earnest and clean-cut and is willing to give reporters thoughtful quotes. Either way, facts are facts. He's been a weak link for the Bullets ever since they took him with the 10th overall draft pick -- yes, he was a lottery pick -- in 2003. He's had some bad luck with injuries, but has been slow to recover from each one. When healthy, he breaks out for a 27-point game just often enough so that people think "oh, he might be turning the corner."

But he's not. He never will. He needs to be traded. Plenty of NBA teams could use a shooter off the bench. So let them talk themselves into Hayes just needing "a change of scenery," and let them get impressed over his "character." Then he won't be the Bullets' problem anymore. We can use his roster spot on a guy who's a little tougher. I wonder if Arron Afflalo will still be available when it's the Wizards' turn to pick...in the meantime, congratulations to the Bullets for making the playoffs for the third straight year. Five years ago, Bullets fans would have killed for that. All I'm saying, is get rid of Hayes. That's all. Thanks for your time.

Hyperlinks:
- Wizards Back Into Postseason [Washington Post]
- Nets 96, Wizards 92 [ESPN]
- Wizards 114, Nets 120 [ESPN]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, Jarvis Hayes, Arron Afflalo

Welcome Back to "That's Not A Word!"

WOOOOOO! What a welcome. Thank you! Thank you so much! Please, please! Sit down. Ahhhhh, yes. Thank you thank you thank you, and welcome once again to this episode of "That's Not A Word!"

You may notice our set looks a little different today. That's because we're coming to you from South of the Border, for our special Espanol Edition! And today's contestant? Well, it couldn't be any more fitting, at least stereotypically. Today's contestant is the brand-new Jose Cuervo Oranjo Tequila!


Que suerte!

Cuervo Oranjo, you have a smooth drinkability and a natural citrus finish not found in conventional tequilas. No one is questioning that. However, what we are questioning is your name, which is what brought us South of the Border in the first place. We checked with the locals. We entered it into Babel Fish. And guess what we found out? Tu eres un ganador, Jose! A causa de "Oranjo" NO ES UNA PALABRA!!!!

Perhaps you meant "naranja," the Spanish word for the fruit known as "orange" in English? Either way, oranjo is a meaningless collection of letters occupying the no man's land between both languages. So as your prize today, we present you with what else but a proper Spanish-English Dictionary. This handy, 800-page paperback volume is brought to you by Merriam-Webster's. Get it right the first freaking time, with Merriam-Webster!

Thanks so much for playing, Jose, and we'll see YOU next time. Until then, adios from "No Es Una Palabra!" Ole!

Hyperlinks:
- Jose Cuervo Oranjo Tequila [Internet Wines]
- Merriam-Webster's Spanish-English Dictionary [Amazon]
- Previous episode of "That's Not A Word!" [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: That's Not A Word, tequila

Oh, now witnesses have to "show up in court" for you?

A while back in P.G. County, a man tried to rob some dudes. Unfortunately, his plan did not pan out the way he presumably drew it up. So he had to shoot some people. What, you've never had an off day at work? Glass houses, my friend. Let he who is without sin shoot up the glass house, or whatever. Know what I'm saying?

But that's not even the point. The point is, the prosecutors convinced one of the shooting victims to testify. But on the day scheduled for testimony, the witness didn't show up. The shooter walked.

There was no evidence of intimidation, so some people may be feeling confusion or even agitation over this. But what I want to know is, what do you want from this guy? You think just because you're trying the guy that shot him, that he "owes" you something? Sheesh. It never ends. But that's The System for you. You guys just aren't thinking outside the box, man. Contemporize! Why go to this stuffy courtroom when you can go outside and fly a kite? Oh, wait. That's probably out. What with the bullet wounds and all. But still! You can't expect him to meet every obligation in his day planner, can you? I'm sure he just accidentally double booked himself. And when it's Monday morning, and you see "testify against the guy who shot you," and "Benson marathon on TV Land" written in the same block of calendar space, which one are you going to choose? Huh? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Hyperlink:
Shooting Victim Fails to Appear, So Charges Are Dropped [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: P.G. County, legal niceties

I always cry at The Masters

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome back to Augusta National. As an unseasonably chilly breeze whips through the high Georgia pines, the world's greatest golfers face perhaps the sternest test. Of their entire lives. The azaleas still sparkle around Amen Corner, and Rae's Creek still shines as if holding a special secret, but these temperatures continue to wreak havoc on the golf scores, pushing them mercilessly into the black. But come what may, these heavenly grounds will see to it that the green jacket will again be donned, a new champion crowned, among the echoes of golfing past, that awake in the galleries, and rise from the grasses like old lovers. As the history, the tradition, the majesty, the history, the tradition, and the tradition of The Masters enters its final, glorious, magnificent, wondrous, spectacular, and wonderful day.

Hi once again, everybody, I'm Jim Nantz, alongside my partner Nick Faldo. Nick! We've heard a lot about how the cold is freezing the golf scores, but that may pale in comparison to the way Tiger's Saturday run is chilling the spines of his competitors.


Hi again, everybody, and happy Easter!

Nick Faldo: That was a nice pun, Jim.

Jim: Did you like that?

Nick: Aye, I did.

Jim: I wrote that at about two o'clock this morning. But you know, Nick, I don't want to talk about the cold anymore, as we sit cozy together like this in historic Butler Cabin. I want to ask you how well you know this magnificent course.


Will any man ever truly win her?

Nick: Well, having won three Masters here, I...

Jim: No, Nick. Not know it in a golfing sense. I meant know it in the biblical sense. Isn't that appropo here on this Easter Sunday? With the absolute beauty of this course, with each hole having a special name, each more alluring than the last? Perhaps it is Golden Bell that strikes your fancy, as it glistens like a fresh-faced maiden! Or perhaps it is Flowering Crabapple, the hardened dame whom no man may ever tame! No matter your preference, haven't you ever had the urge to steal away in the night, find a green unchaperoned by her keepers, and make love to this, the loveliest place in all the galaxy?

Nick: What?

Jim: Well, me, too, Nick. For me, when it comes to loving The Masters, too much is truly not enough. Conventions be damned. So if you see a man recoil in horror as he retrieves his ball on fourteen -- Chinese Fir -- take notice. For perhaps the ghost of Jim Nantz lingers there. To comingle with the hallowed kings of the past. And truly, indeed, can I think of no greater honor, than to be among them now. But now, let's head out to the action, and Peter Osterhaus....Peter!

Hyperlinks:
- With 1 Round Left, It's All Over [Washington Post]
- Augusta National Golf Club, Course Overview [Official Site]

Technorati tags: The Masters, Jim Nantz, Augusta, knowledge, the ghosts of champions past

Ahmadinejad: British sailors had Sony guts!

It was a day of merry-making for Britain, as their soldiers returned home after a spot as captives in Iran. Meanwhile Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he could release many more things, half price. Don't walk away! These things he will release, they have Sony guts!


Heeeey. Would I lie to you? Only for you do I do this.

I'm sorry, but I just can't take this guy seriously. He looks like he should be selling imitation handbags and computer parts in the park! Not running a crazy extremist nation. What happened to the days of banging shoes on the table, wagging fingers, hoisting rifles, wearing long beards and black tablecloths, and making bombastic statements about how the West exports Satanism through its oatmeal conglomeration? At least you had a better sense of what you were getting.

But not with this guy. This is the same guy who hosted a Holocaust denial conference in his country just a few months ago. What? There's a conference for Holocaust deniers now? A freaking conference? Who is this guy? Did they hold it at the Tehran Marriott? (They do a magnificent job over there, you know.) What did they do, have an opening rant and a light continental breakfast before dividing up into breakout sessions? I can see the session headings now: "Where we are: Anti-Semitism in a connected world."

Eventually, the conference crescendoed with its keynote address. Over dilled salmon and roasted new potatoes, attendees listened to Ahmadinejad deliver an energizing presentation. Ah yes. And you know what? The part at the end? When he said the Holocaust had Sony guts? You could hear a pin drop in Ballroom A of the Tehran Marriott. A freaking pin. Someone's getting a very positive review on the evaluation form. Huzzah! Oh, and I'll take the Gucci knock-offs for seven dollars. And not a penny more.

Hyperlinks:
- Freed Britons Return Home As Calls for Probe Intensify [Washington Post]
- Holocaust Conference Begins in Iran [ABC News]
- What did I tell you? Iran nuclear program has Sony guts! [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: Iran, Ahmadinejad, British sailors, Sony guts

Recap of The Office: "The Negotiation"

After a fairly long layover, The Office returned with a new episode this week. But not just any episode -- a Super-Sized episode! But I've gotta say, not even its super size could save this episode from utter mediocrity.

If you'll recall the last episode, Pam told her ex-fiance Roy she had kissed Jim, followed be a freak-out and death threats. So right off the bat, Roy bursts into the office and rushes Jim, but Dwight defused the fight before it started by blasting Roy with pepper spray. Roy was fired, and later made his apologies.

Errr...that's it? That's IT? You didn't want to build the tension? You didn't want them to duke it out in a sweeps-month, season-finale rumble? There were a million different directions this could have taken, and this one was sub-par. The rest of the episode was reasonably funny, but couldn't overcome the disappointment resulting from the whimpering end to this storyline. Michael does some silly stuff, embarrasses Jan, gives Darrell a raise, blah blah blah.

But I want to get back to Jim for a second here. I think that character needs to be broadened a little bit. As I see it, there are only three phases to his personality: prank-playing Jim, aw-shucks Jim, and smirking Jim (the smirking can be subdivided into the "wow, this is a funny situation" smirk, the wide-eyed "I'm nervous" smirk, and the "Pam, I'm totally over it, don't even worry about it" smirk). When Roy apologized to Jim at the end of the episode, guess what? Jim shrugged and smirked. Not only is it oddly emotionless, it's cowardly for the character! Is Jim's character a coward? I know Roy's a big, ornery dude, but Jim's big, too. You mean to tell me they couldn't have slugged it out for Pam, just for a little bit? Jim's character has been flat as a board lately. If you still want him to be the main character in the plot (which he absolutely is), then he needs to grow a pair and find some emotion. Until then, his parts of the show are going to fall a little flat, just as they did last night.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous Recap of the Office [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: The Office, NBC

The last one out of Verizon Center, please turn off the lights

So the news Bullets fans were fearing was just announced. Gilbert is out for 2-3 months, ending his season. So for the rest of this rapidly unraveling campaign, they'll be missing Gilbert and Caron Butler, their two best players.

It's times like this I'm glad I play fantasy baseball.

But now, the Bullets are in a version of basketball purgatory. They have eight games left. They need one win to secure a playoff spot. Their standing is way too high to have a realistic shot at a high draft pick. So now I get to watch this team -- the same team that just loss consecutive games to the suck-ass Bobcats -- flounder for a whole month, attempting to win just this one measly game to prevent the season from being an abject failure. It's like watching a boxer get hit so many times that both his eyes swell shut, but his trainer bet his house on the fight. And there's still three rounds to go. That's right -- the Wizards are gonna die on their feet. This is gonna be ugly.

I'm waiting for Kornheiser's "Curse O' Les Boulez" column any minute now. In the meantime, we'll get 'em next year. Blah.

Hyperlinks:
- Arenas out 2-3 months [Washington Post Wizards Insider]
- Wizards Must Find Way Without Butler [Washington Post]
- Wizards Lose Arenas, then the Game [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Gilbert Arenas

I'm putting cherry blossom tourists on my notice board

In my normal, day-to-day life, I am fairly pro-tourist. I have a distaste for those who try to prove how city they are by constantly grousing about the tourists being under foot. I feel flattered and lucky to live in an area people like enough to visit during their hard-earned vacations.

And now, here comes the but.

I think I reached a tipping point today.

With the increasingly popular cherry blossoms out in full force, the tourists have really descended. And over the last few days, it has reached code-red levels on my commute. I'm a race car in the red, that's all I'm saying.


Run! Don't make eye contact, just get away!

The problem doesn't lie with all tourists. Just the stupid, oblivious ones. Those who insist on taking the train during rush hour, and being totally unprepared for the experience. Like here are the Gundersens from Eu Claire, milling around in front of the ticket gate, blocking everyone's way, while Dad curses euphemistically as he tries to figure out how the ding-dang tickets go into the slot. The babies are screeching and the older kids are fruiting off while Mom chases futilely after them. "Tyler? Tyler? Get back here. This is counterproductive behavior, young man. Remember our discussion? On just this very topic? Caitlin! Don't touch that. Tyler! TYLER, DON'T KISS YOUR SISTER! That is WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE!!!!"

I maneuver past them and board the train. But a few stops down, there's a huge, extended, rather permed family (I'm guessing they're from Indiana) waiting. The doors open. They hover uncertainly in front of them (again, blocking everyone's path). They wonder aloud: "Do you think this is the right traaaaaaain? Should we get oooonnnnnn? Excuse me, siiirrrrrrrrrr? Does this go to Washington, deeee ceeeeeeeeee?????" At the very last second, they decide to waddle aboard. All twenty-seven of them. Shouting and playing grab-ass and laughing like hyenas. All the while, the doors are trying to close on them, which just makes them laugh harder, blithely unaware of the fact that blocking the doors is the fastest way to break the train, meaning we'd all have to get off and cram onto the next one. Looks like I picked the wrong day to leave my gun at home. (Thanks for getting me all paranoid, Jim Webb aid guy.)

So tourists, if you're reading, I want to say one thing: This is a real, working city. This is not Six Flags. The subway is not a roller coaster. Some of us are just trying to go to work. You are driving me crazy every morning. Like, bat shit crazy.

I could go on. And on. I could talk about you constantly breaking the ironclad rule of not standing on the left side of the escalator. And a new concern is that you are actually destroying the very thing you've come to see. But I guess I'll stop. In the meantime, I've got my eye on you. Better shape up. Or at least, wait until 9:30 to ride the train? Thanks.

Hyperlinks:
- Escalators Survive Tourists, Tree Roots Not So Much [Express]
- Webb Aid Tried to Take Gun Into Senate Building [Washington Post]
- Standing on the Left? You Must Be on Vacation [Washington Post]
- Smothered With Love [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: cherry blossoms, Washington, D.C., tourists

Sanjaya Malakar: this little lady's got all the right moves!

Another week, another episode of American Idol, another round of flummoxed Sanjaya bashing. In a so-illogical-it's-logical move, the judges have actually stopped judging her. They know that if they rip her, the 14-year-olds will flood them with the pity vote. But it's not just the bad singing that turns people off. It's that she doesn't get the joke. Simon sarcastically calls her performance "incredible," and she yells back "welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!" followed by Ryan saying "you really know how to fly under the radar, Sanjaya." Meanwhile, she just grins that big shit-eating grin of hers -- you know, the one that makes her look like she's about to throw up. Somewhere between manic and panic. Quick -- someone hold her hair back!


That's funny how you guys pretend to hate me, hee hee!
This hair product is making me queasy.

I should admit, however, that she looked great in that androgynous suit of hers, singing "Cheek to Cheek" and dancing with Paula. Very clever, girl. You go!

Unfortunately for the haters, however, she'll probably stay around for a few more weeks. Voters usually get it right in the end, but the demographic backing of the other weaker contestants (Haley with the hot-girl vote, Phil with the support-the-troops vote) will probably not prove as strong as the pity vote of the mighty Sanjaya. But eventually, she'll end up on the chopping block. Once the teeny boppers and old ladies have to choose between Sanjaya and Jordin Sparks, they'll shape up. In the meantime, enjoy! Because this little lady's got the goods.

Hyperlink:
Send In the Clowns. Don't Bother, Sanjaya's Here. [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: American Idol, Sanjaya, Sanjaya Malakar

I've a good feeling about this Washington Nationals franchise

First off, props to the Florida Gators for repeating as national basketball champions. Great game last night -- Greg Oden was the best player, but Florida was the best team. They were five young men, functioning as one single unit. They were firing on all cylinders. They refused to lose. They gave 110 percent. They did their talking on the court. These phrases are all copyright MSH 2007. Patent pending.

It's always bittersweet when college basketball ends. I literally mark time in the winter with basketball. It's like a series of irregular but functioning lights leading me out of the forest primeval. Ah, yes. And now, I look back. Happy to be shaking free of winter's cloak, but saddened that I will not gaze upon those lights again until the shadows renew their escape, and I am another summer closer to death.

Hey, speaking of summer, it's baseball season! Opening day was yesterday, and your Washington Nationals set it off in style with a nifty 9-2 loss to the Marlins. Staff "ace" John Patterson was rocked, no one except Ryan Zimmerman generated any offense, and we lost two starters in Nook Logan and Cristian Guzman. So huzzah. I'm glad we're sticking with Guzman, by the way. He's worth it.


OWWWWW! My knee/ankle/hamstring/
hip/neck/groin/finger/testicles!

So what if he's a terrible hitter and his body is made of wet tissue paper? It's the intangibles, man. Like when he made lemonade for the whole clubhouse? But then later revealed he had peed in it? That may not have happened, but that's the kind of thing you just can't teach. So spare me your stats, seamheads. Cristian Guzman is a rock of this franchise. I don't know how I can make a stronger case to you people.

So with this season off to such a promising start, Nats fans have one job this year. Kiss Ryan Zimmerman's nether-regions like they are made of vanilla ice cream. We can do that, right? So with that in mind, let us open up the cathedral of baseball, and let the boys of summer take to the emerald chessboard. It is always baseball season...in heaven.

Hyperlinks:
- Gators Set a Double Standard [Washington Post]
- Nats Get Banged Up [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Washington Nationals, Nationals, Gators

Wiccans and Communists 1, Common Sense 0

Can you believe it? This morning, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled that the greenhouse gases that cause global warming are pollutants, and thus, the EPA has the right to regulate car emissions and the like. The Bush administration -- clearly concerned about overstepping the bounds of its authority -- felt the EPA did not have this right.

At this point, I just want to take a moment to sarcastically congratulate Big Environment. Congratulations, jerks. Way to score another victory for The Big Guys. The Fat Cats. Looks like your corrupt Lobbying Machine has come through for you. Again. What I really want to know is, how much did Ruth Bader-Ginsburg turn for? Huh? Did you promise her a piece of the action? The benefits you and your kind are going to reap from this are enormous. You can't pull the wool over my eyes. So where did you meet Anthony Kennedy to deliver the briefcase of Rubles? For shame, Big Environment. You're driving us back to the stone age!


Environmental lobbyists godlessly celebrate their latest victory.

So to sum up, it's like a broken record with you. Just out for the bottom line, just out to do your drugs and kill your babies and worship your pagan deities, with no regard for the rest of us. I hope you are happy, Big Environment. Let the results of this court decision be forever on your head.

Hyperlinks:
- Justices: EPA Can Control Car Emissions [Washington Post]
- The Supreme Court has your number, Big Environment [No One Appreciates Me]
- Justice Kennedy works on his swing [CNN]

Technorati tags: Environment, Supreme Court, Global Warming, bush, I hate liberals