No One Appreciates Me. At All.

Longer hiatus needed

2007-05-31T15:22:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's the impending summer, or something, but I think I need a longer hiatus from the blog. I've been posting five days a week for about a year and a half now, and I love doing it, but I think now I need to figure out how I want to continue with this, and what, specifically, I'm looking to get out of it.

Plus, posting something new every morning is starting to feel like a bit of a grind. Like something off my to-do list at work. And hey. That's not why I got into the blogging business. Speaking of business, when do I start making money off this thing? Where are my big checks? Where's the return? It doesn't necessarily need to be monetary...ah, I don't know.

Anyway, consider me on hiatus until further notice. I want to come back...hopefully not all of my readers will have deserted me. Keep me on your RSS, huh? That's a good way to monitor it. As for this guy, I've got some serious thinking to do. I'm gonna be walking in the woods. Stroking the chin. Climbing up the mountain. Drinking from the bottle. Et cetera. Take care then, until next time. -MSH

This just in: Bush Defends , Calls Critics

2007-05-30T10:31:00.000-04:00

Back from my little hiatus, I somehow feel even less rested than before I left. But such is life. So it goes. I can't complain because who would listen. Nothing is certain but death and taxes. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Speaking of certainties and Bush, I notice that not much changes anymore in terms of presidential headlines. There's really not much in the way of news access down at the seashore, but I feel as if I've missed nothing. I think there's a good chance we'll be stuck in the same news cycle until early 2009.

And that news cycle is as follows: Bush staunchly defends his policy on Iraq/immigration/global warming/political appointees/surveillance programs/various mishandling of various situations, and calls out any dissenters as stupid/unpatriotic/gay/godless/haters/jealous of how hot he is. Today, the issue just happened to be immigration.

Those who dislike the bill "haven't read" it Bush said. Yes, yes. That's the ONLY explanation that comes to my mind as well. No need to argue...Congress just don't understand! They don't get the depth of his policies, or they just don't bother. And that's all. Next question. Oh, wait. I'm not taking any more freaking questions. Smithers, release the hounds.

Now, that's better. Maybe now we can get on to the next news cycle, when I will defend X. That will be a refreshing change. Can't wait!!!

Hyperlink:
- Bush Blasts GOP Immigration Critics [Washington Post]

On Hiatus

2007-05-21T09:41:00.000-04:00

I'm going to take a break from the bloggery as part of my Memorial Day decompression proceedings. I look forward to resuming said bloggery next Wednesday, May 30. Until then, feel free to plumb the archives. Good day then.

P.S. Got a new layout! But it's still not in finished form. We're taking it to the next level, baby.

Recap of The Office: The Job, parts 1 and 2

2007-05-18T09:53:00.001-04:00

Well, it was the two-part season finale last night. Lots of interesting stuff happened, but I feel like they wrote this using the old detective pulp mystery method -- that is, coming up with the big surprises first and working backwards through the beginning. There were some funny moments, but overall these episodes -- as most season finales are -- were simply a dual engine designed to drive the story toward the obligatory cliffhanger.

So here's what happened in a nutshell: a big job opens up in Dunder Mifflin's New York corporate office. Michael, Karen, and Jim all head up to interview for the position. Michael is so certain he's a lock to get the job that he sells his condo (on Ebay) and names Dwight as his successor at Scranton. Meanwhile, Jan comes back to ask if Michael will get back together with her. Michael wants to say no, but then he realizes that Jan got a boob job. So he takes her back.

There is fallout from Pam confessing to Jim in front of everyone that she missed him. The worst was probably Kelly calling her "patheticville." Ouch.

Overall, there weren't a whole lot of laughs. Of course, Michael flames out in his job interview, but it became less humorous because the bossman interviewing him doesn't get put off by the antics. That happens with Michael all the time.

So we're just meandering through the episode -- Jim and Karen galavanting through Manhattan, Dwight messing up the Scranton office, Michael acting a fool, Pam pining for Jim, yadda yadda -- and then in the last five minutes, all the plot revelations get dropped on us. It reminded me a little of that novel The Picture of Dorian Gray, because the story just languidly kicks along, and then comes together in this huge way in the last half page or so.

For starters, Jan is confirmed to be legitimately disturbed. Her work has been erratic lately, and it is -- dunh dunh duuuuunh -- HER job that Michael et al are interviewing for. That's right -- Jan is being fired! Michael finds out, tells Jan, Jan makes scene, Michael doesn't get corporate job, they leave, Michael offers to let Jan stay at his condo (he'll withdraw the sale, despite the risk of negative Ebay feedback) and Jan proclaims that she can "wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15." Oof.

Secondly, under as-yet-unexplained circumstances, Jim drives back to Scranton sans Karen and -- dunh dunh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnh -- asks Pam out on a date. Whoa, dude! What gives there? What the deal? What end is up right now? I think this means it's the end of Karen's regular appearances on the show, thus essentially closing the loop on the Stamford branch storyline (with the exception of Crazy Andy, who of course at this point is completely integrated into Scranton).

But so who got the job at the corporate office? As the episode wraps up, we see the big wig congratulating the recipient of the phone. And we see that the new job goes to -- DUNH DUNH DUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- Ryan the former intern (played by show executive producer B.J. Novak). And I've got news for you, my friend. This spells trouble. With a capital T, that rhymes with C, and that stand for, er, Corporate Office Guy. There have been hints that Ryan was a jerk for a while now, and now he will exact revenge on Michael, Jim, and anyone else he sees fit to do it to. Of course, he never made a sale there, but I guess corporate didn't care about that? Anyway, look for Ryan to become the serious black hat on the show. Now that Roy is gone and Andy is more mellow (for now), there really weren't any prominent jerks on the show. Until now. Prepare to see a serious villain next season. Villain, thy name is Ryan. Dunh dun duuuuuunh.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous recap of The Office [No One Appreciates Me]
- The Picture of Dorian Gray [Amazon]

Technorati tags: The Office

I think I might hate the San Antonio Spurs

2007-05-17T09:43:00.000-04:00

I was talking with some people the other day about this guy we all knew. A painfully quiet guy, to the point that if you walked up to him and said "hello," chances were 50-50 that he would make any kind of verbal response. And since he sat there in front of the television like your proverbial bump on a log, we all found him to be fairly boring. However, at the same time, we assumed that he was this great guy with a lot to offer once you got to know him. But as time went on, we found that to not be the case. At all. His hair-trigger temper emerged. He was a poor sport, both as a loser and a winner. He pouted all the time. He picked on his girlfriend. He literally laughed at the misfortunes of others. Needless to say, we don't see much of him anymore.

All of this is to prove the point that, just because someone is quiet, it doesn't automatically mean they are nice. And if they are not nice, you feel even worse about it in retrospect because you feel duped. This metaphor extends to the San Antonio Spurs.

I have previously equated the Spurs to a team of robots, just emotionlessly executing their game plan. But after the dirty play of the last few days, and the really jerky way they've handled themselves, I am concluding that the Spurs are not robots. They are evil robots.

The San Antonio Spurs execute yet another flawless evil game plan.

Of course, last night, Tim Duncan more or less had his way with Kurt Thomas in the Spurs close win over Phoenix. Thomas was standing in for Amare Stoudemire, who along with teammate Boris Diaw was suspended for leaving the bench to defend his teammate, Steve Nash, who had just been shoulder-blocked to the floor by Robert Horry. Horry was suspended two games, but the Suns lost two of their best players for one game. Can you believe these athletes today, leaving their benches all the time and what not? I'm telling you...our society is crumbling. In a world where bench-leaving is so rampant, what else is far behind? Religious war? Some kind of global disaster in which the planet experiences massive flooding and famine? Amid all the bench-leaving, anything is possible.

Of course, there is video evidence that Spurs guards Bruce Bowen and Manu Ginobili play dirty. Observe:

But of course, nothing happens to them. Such is the insidious evil robot network. Anyway, I really have nothing witty to say. I just dislike the Spurs.

Hyperlink:
- Short-Handed Suns Falter Late [Washington Post]

Update: Baby drop box stumbles a teensy bit out of the gate

2007-05-16T12:49:00.000-04:00

Remember two days ago? I know, it's kind of hazy for me, too, but I wrote a post about a new baby drop box set up at a Japanese hospital. Well, guess what? It's follow-up time! Just days after its inception, and just days after a hospital official hoped their service "would never be used," the drop box had its first customer...HUZZAH!

But wait, wait. Hold your huzzahs, people! That may have been a premature huzzah. Because that's not the whole story. And I get the whole story, dammit. That's right -- I read to the bottom of every Internet article I click on, and I don't care whose feathers I ruffle. So are you ready for the twist? Ready? Here it comes: the unwanted baby was not a baby at all. It was a pre-schooler!

Two words. Okay? And those words are naughty, and naughty. That's all I got to say. A rather inauspicious launch for the unwanted baby drop-off program, one suspects. After all, who would have thought a baby drop box would be -- *gasp* -- MISUSED?!?!?! Certainly not this dewy-eyed Pollyanna. I am sitting here as I type, just beside myself with surprise that the first user of the baby drop box would do so in a -- *gasp again* -- IRRESPONSIBLE FASHION!!!! Oh my gosh...I think I'm swooning, judge! Someone catch me! Quick! Run along and fetch a damp cloth for my forehead!

A nurse demonstrates -- one more time --
the kind of unwanted human you are
supposed to drop in the baby drop box.

The boy, who was reportedly in perfect health, was questioned about the incident. Son, why did your dad abandon you in this baby drop box when you are clearly not a baby? What within his soul, in your opinion, allows him to flout clearly stated instructions in such a blatant manner!?!?! The instructions are conspicuously posted right beside the drop box, and they clearly state, if you will indulge me: "Please only put unwanted babies in the baby drop box. Unwanted toddlers are NOT permitted, under penalty of ardent tongue-clucking."

What is your response to this, my young friend?

The boy's response? "I came with Daddy."

But Daddy! I don't want to go in the box! It's
for babies! I'm a big boy. Right, Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

As a result of this incident, many a chin is being stroked. Many a hand wrung. Said one national newspaper editorial: "We must rethink the meaning of the baby drop-off."

Now.

I'm no Henry McHasty. I'm no Harry Shoot-From-The-Hip-Shooter. But I might go out on a limb here -- just this once -- and agree. This whole dropping-unwanted-babies-in-a-box dealy bob may require a little tweaking. A little retooling, if you will. Because if people are going to flout the rules and use the baby drop box for, you know, selfish reasons, then that violates the whole idea of the baby drop box! So wake me up when you get a real, honest-to-goodness baby in there. Okay? Then, and only then, will I celebrate.

Hyperlinks:
- Think of all the money they'll save on trash bags [No One Appreciates Me]
- Dad dumps preschooler in box for unwanted newborns [CNN]

Technorati tags: Japan, health care, baby drop box, the joys of fatherhood, I'm with Daddy

Melinda Doolittle? Your journey ends here tonight.

2007-05-16T09:33:00.000-04:00

Interesting final three performance last night. Each contestant sang three songs, and there was nary a clunker in the bunch. Everyone's a talented singer at this point, but each one of these people seems particularly poised. I especially have to give it up to Blake Lewis, who has grown on me over the weeks and gave some great performances last night. In fact, he might be throwing a wrench in the works of the presumed Melinda-Jordin finale. But more on that in a second.

First, back to Jordin. Last night -- and next week -- will have decidedly less tension than a lot of previous Idol culminations. Because Jordin is winning this competition. Throw your retirement fund in the back seat of your car, drive the whole thing to Vegas, and double your money. It's happening. That said, last night was an off night for her. For starters, she had some weird songs. Simon's pick for her -- "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce -- was good. But then her other songs -- "She Works Hard For the Money" and "I Who Have Nothing," an absolute funeral dirge of a song that I have no idea why she insists on singing -- were not so good. But on the bright side, she got a star on the walkway of her local shopping mall, oh my gosh! I have ALWAYS wanted, like, some kind of mall recognition. And oh my gosh, it was right in front of the escalator! Right in between the Baby Gap and the Things Remembered! That is prime real estate.

But here's the real downside to Jordin's night: That pink dress she was wearing for part of the evening. Last week, you may remember that I was vacillating on whether I found Jordin attractive. Well, in that dress, she was not. Now I admit it -- I'm no fashionista. Which is all the more reason to wonder why someone (or a group of someones) whose presumably sole source of income is to make a group of young people look stylish could march Jordin out in that pink grocery bag of a discount-rack Easter dress. It appeared to be cinched just below the breasts, for minimum cleavage and maximum burlap-sack effect. And the frizzy hair doesn't help anything either. The stylists should be accentuating Jordin's pretty face and Amazonian figure, not concealing it. I couldn't find a full photo of it, but if you saw it, you know what I'm talking about. Just an awful, awful piece of clothing. But maybe they can get five bucks for it from a high school student somewhere in North Dakota, who may not have a date for the prom, but dammit, she's gonna go anyway. For ten minutes. Body issues be damned.

This doesn't even begin to paint the picture.

Melinda was good, too, but her best quality -- consistency -- is maybe her worst at this point as well. Which is why I predict that Melinda gets the boot tonight, with Blake losing to a hopefully better-dressed Jordin in the final. Not only because people might take her for granted, but because Blake has come on in these later rounds, and now has a growing and dedicated army of fans, especially girls. People who are voting for Blake are voting for Blake. But the people who vote for Melinda are probably in the same (or at least a more similar) pool as those voting for Jordin. So I could see people with short attention spans -- and do you think any of those people watch American Idol? -- getting bored with Melinda and hitching their wagons to the clear favorite.

And at this point, Blake is becoming more interesting. When he's on, his beat-boxing is actually really tight. (Sir Mix-A-Lot crowned him "The New King of Sea-Town" last night. I wouldn't go that far -- or anywhere near that far -- but still.) And that sweet rendition of "How Deep is Your Love" that he did with Chris Sligh and (I think) Phil Stacey in the Hollywood round was still, for me, the musical highlight of the season.

But over and beyond that, Blake is the real underdog here. Not only because he is the least talented on paper, but because he's the only one who either hasn't already made it in music (like Melinda) or was born with a silver spoon in her mouth (like Jordin, who is the daughter of
former NFL player Phillippi Sparks). I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm rooting for Blake -- I'm really not rooting for anyone -- but him advancing at this point would be the most interesting story. For whatever that's worth.

It will be interesting to see how it all pans out tonight. It will be the final vote that is even remotely suspenseful, before Jordin claims her pink bubble gum throne next Wednesday night.

Hyperlinks:
- A Melinda-Jordin Final? Not So Fast, Sings Blake [Washington Post]
- If I was 12 or retarded, I totally would have voted for Lakisha [No One Appreciates Me]
- Glendale teen advances to next round on 'Idol' [AZ Central]

Technorati tags: American Idol

News Flash: Twinkies may contain weird ingredients

2007-05-15T09:06:00.000-04:00

Did you ever hear that urban legend about how Twinkies are not actually cooked, but are rather created through a strictly chemical reaction? That there is no heat involved in the process of creating a Twinkie? Well, I don't know if that's true or not, but the truth is, most of the ingredients in a Twinkie are petroleum or mineral-based. And when you eat a Twinkie, you are eating five different kinds of rocks.

Mmmmm....rocks.

That's the main hook in this new book called Twinkie Deconstructed. Think Fast Food Nation for processed foods. The book is a look into what, exactly, all those polysorbates and bisulfates and disporidium gum arabics really are. We eat them all the time...makes sense that we should know what the hell they are. And as for the minerals, there are the expected ones like baking soda, but the author of the book says that a lot of the Twinkie's "colors and flavors rely on basic chemicals derived from crude oil or natural gas." Now that's just weird. Just weird enough to be believeable.

Just for the heck of it, a deep-fried Twinkie. Good God!

So yes...I think I'm going to go out and buy some Twinkies now. All this talk of Twinkies is making me really want a Twinkie. Yee-ha. Good day.

Hyperlinks:
- Dissecting the Dessert [Washington Post Express]
- Twinkie Deconstructed [Amazon]
- Fast Food Nation [Amazon]

Technorati tags: Twinkies, muckraking

Think of all the money they'll save on trash bags

2007-05-14T09:40:00.000-04:00

Very, VERRRRRRY exciting news recently out of Japan. Appropos of the Mother's Day season, I thought I would pass it along. And the news is as follows: One Japanese hospital recently set up a new service for the mothers in their community. But not just any mother -- only the mothers who don't actually want the babies they are having. That's right -- it's a drop box for unwanted babies!

Society boldly strides forward with invention
of baby drop-box technology.

This is just an amazing new service. What convenience! Imagine the embarrassing party conversations if you had to keep the baby and, you know, deal with it? But now, the hospital will care for your baby until it's adopted. And noone's the wiser! It's the perfect crime! So to speak!

One hospital official comments: "We started the service but hope it won't be used."

Awesome. That's the same sentiment I expressed when I invented those new bullets that burst and spread the ebola virus once they've entered the body. It's a wicked cool invention, but I would be shocked -- shocked! -- if there were people in the world who would avail themselves of such insidious technology. But hey, that's not for me to judge. I just provide a service, right? I'm just advancing mankind. How mankind chooses to react to said advancement is not my problem. Guns don't kill people, and so forth.

But seriously, I'm sure no one will use it. People who have unwanted babies are a notoriously responsible segment of the population. If they can't go the abortion route and still don't want the pregnancy, I'm sure they'll just shoulder on and adjust their own lives to prepare for this gift they have received. No one will use this drop slot. It just wouldn't be, you know, the right thing to do.

So I share your optimism that no one will use this service, Japanese hospital. Here's hoping. BANG! Ha ha, I just shot you with my ebola bullet. Nah, just kidding. It was just a regular bullet. Might want to put a tourniquet on that. But don't think you'll ever catch me...I'm gonna drop this gun in the anonymous gun drop slot down at the police station. One more gun off the street, right? Boy, is my conscience ever clearer. Have a great day there!

Hyperlink:
- Japan hospital opens drop box for unwanted babies [CNN]

Technorati tags: Japan, drop box, babies, health care, being helpful, pay it forward

Recap of The Office: "Beach Games"

2007-05-11T09:31:00.000-04:00

Man. Whew. Rough episode last night. No thumbs up for this one. And come to think okf it, there will be no huzzahs either. In fact, I think I'm going to take a page from Comic Book Guy and call this the Worst Episode Ever. Of the season, anyway.

Here's what happened: Michael is interviewing for a job at Dunder Mifflin's New York corporate office. As part of that, he has to find his potential successor at the Scranton branch. So in typical fashion, he comes up with the idea of taking the office to the lake and giving them a bunch of hare-brained tests, including walking over hot coals, a hot dog eating contest, and wrestling in those sumo fatsuits.

That actually sounds pretty funny, right? Well...it wasn't. And I think somewhere along the line, the producers realized that as well, so they stuck in this big ending to salvage things. Pam walks over hot coals, and afterwards she goes over to the group and tells them how she thinks it sucks that they all think she's invisible, and that she feels really great and alive right now, and then as the BIG capper, she tells Jim -- again, in front of the entire group -- that she broke off her wedding for him, and that she really misses him. Whoa. So, apparently, the aforementioned hot coals were made of Ecstasy? Sweet. I didn't know they made coals out of Ecstasy, but hey, this is how you learn things.

So that little Deus Ex Machina revelation was the only thing really noteworthy (on a positive level) about the episode. But on the negative side, I have a major beef with one aspect of the show. I have previously articulated my concern that Jim may be getting soft. Well, after this episode I think we can drop the "getting" out of that phrase. Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Halpert is a wuss. Jim is what, 6' 4", 210 pounds? And yet he ran away like a girl when freaking heart-attack-waiting-to-happen Stanely came at him in the sumo ring. And he never sticks up for himself. Michael tells him he's not cut out to head the Scranton branch, and Jim just looks into the camera with that same old smirk (and seriously, mix in a new facial expression, buddy) and just says "that's harsh." Wow, don't pull any punches Jim.

When I'm really happy, I make this face.
When I'm full of rage, I make this face.

And it's not only that. Part of the non-funniness of this episode is Jim's fault. Anytime the action swings his way, he makes some clipped little comment ("Nope, that's not right," or "Way to go, Dwight") and the momentum falls like a sack of potatoes. I know he's a quiet, sensitive guy, and I don't expect him to become some big ball of energy, but get a presence, Jim. Stop staring off into space and mix it up a little. He's the heart and soul of the show -- really the central driver of the entire plot. Can we give him a little emotion? Is that too much to ask? And let me ask you another question: Do I have to change my blog icon? Huh? Do I? I don't want to. But I will. Jerks.

So there you have it. Bad episode, Jim's regressing, and who knows. Here's hoping they finish the season strong and John Krasinski retools Jim a little bit on the hiatus. Here's hoping.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous recap of The Office [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tag: The Office

If I was 12 or retarded, I totally would have voted for Lakisha

2007-05-10T07:12:00.001-04:00

Truly, this is a special time of year. The air grows warm, the blooms begin their shy emergence, and everything seems to buzz. Before they all died, the bees caused this buzzing. But nowadays, the buzz is from American Idol. For truly does spring now mean that we must be down to our final three.

In this week's episodes, my personal sentimental favorite, Lakisha Jones, was voted off. Sad but true. She was one of those American Idol feel-good stories -- coming from nothing, and with no chance of getting a break any other way. So good for her. But in the meantime, now I'm left with the beat boxer (who has actually grown on me, although his beat-boxing on Tuesday was weak), odds-on betting favorite Jordin Sparks, and Melinda Doolittle. Let's break this down.

First of all, regarding Melinda. I think it's weird that Phylicia Rashad and Michael Ruffin had a child. I thought they were both married. What I want to know is, what did Ahmad have to say about all this?

+ =

Tell me you don't see it. I double dog freaking dare you.

In any case, Melinda is a shoo-in for the final. But part of me kind of wants to see Blake pull the upset and sneak in to face Jordin for the crown. Why? Not because I have anything against Melinda, but because then we would really see if this lil-ol-me routine is for real or not. I can just see Melinda getting the news that she was voted off, and then tearing off her shirt like the Incredible Hulk and stomping around the stage in a sports bra shouting out "Oh no you did NOT!" over and over again. So, you know. That could be fun.

But other than that possibility, this final three is fairly drama-free. Jordin is going to win and it's not gonna be close. The only real question to be resolved is, do I think she's hot or not. I need to think on this. I thought she was a little Amazonian for me at first, but it's a wonder what these stylists and trainers and wardrobe people and nutritionists and posture coaches can do for a contestant. Look at what happened with Katherine McPhee. But it's still too early to think of such matters, as I continue to mourn the passing of Lakisha. So long, Lakisha. If you ever get cast in a Broadway play, I'll seriously think about thinking about going, for a good solid two or three minutes. That is my promise to you.

Hyperlinks:
- Mysterious Bee Killer Could Make Dinner Bland [CNN]
- On 'American Idol,' Here Comes the Real Judge [Washington Post]
- Jordin Sparks page [American Idol]
- Katherine McPhee: Getting Warmer [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: American Idol

Survey with Ann Curry reveals that everything is great, just great

2007-05-09T09:30:00.000-04:00

According to a recent one-person survey with Today show news anchor Ann Curry, the state of the nation and the world was, is, and always will be just great.

There's plenty to smile about, Curry says.

"I am so inspired by all the great stories out there," Curry said. "Why, just yesterday, I was interviewing Reese Witherspoon? And I looked deep into her eyes and asked her 'how are you? Your millions of fans -- of which I am one -- care so much about you. So tell us, how are you, really?' And you know what? She looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'Ann Curry, news anchor of the Today show? I'm great.' Wow. I mean, WOW. What an inspiration!"

Curry did admit that there were some things that were, while still great, somewhat less great than other things that were a greater degree of great.

"Well, is the Iraq war perfect? No, of course not! Only a total sillyhead would think that. But in these circumstances, I'm always reminded of what Jennifer Aniston bravely shared with me and with our viewing audience after her painful breakup with Brad (who is also a good friend of the show, and in no way do I blame him for that situation). She said 'Sometimes, you just can't dwell on the negative.' And I completely agree. She's a true American hero.

Today show news anchor Ann Curry breaks another big news story.

"Also, I do feel that Paris Hilton's unfortunate plight has been less great," Curry continued. "Now, I love Paris, and I think she's just great, but her lifestyle has set -- inadvertently, of course, inadvertently -- a tiny bit of what could maybe be called by some a not-so-great precedent for our inspiringly great young women out there. Girls need to know that they can grow up to be anything. Even serious, big-time news journalists. You know. Like me."

Curry bristled, in a friendly way, at the notion that she was not a hard hitter in the media world.

"Now, what a funny concept! I have to just laugh at that, just because it's so amusing and great! If people had followed my work, they would know that I often take a hard stance. Like in my recent travels to meet the children of Darfur, for example. I am firmly on record as saying that the slaughter of families and the recruitment of children into hellish shadow armies is maybe not a very nice thing to do. And you can check my record -- I've been very consistent on that point. But you know what message I came away with after my visit? It was a message of hope. That even in these terrible places, great things can happen! Those folks over in the Sudan, I think they're going to be just great."

Ann Curry questions authority: Ms. First Lady, is it
important for children to learn how to read?

"Everything is going to work out beautifully," she concluded. "If you want some negative nelly out there, talk to David Gregory. But as for me, I'm going to be great."

Hyperlinks:
- Today show news anchor Ann Curry [MSNBC]
- Even in Hell... [MSNBC]

Technorati tags: Ann Curry, nbc, The Today Show, hard-hitting journalism, great

Satan inches ahead of Bush in approval ratings

2007-05-08T09:31:00.000-04:00

News yesterday that the president's composite poll numbers are at a rock-bottom 35 percent. This is due to the Iraq war, a flaccid domestic agenda, and an ongoing spate of scandals involving current and former administration officials including Paul Wolfowitz, Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzales, Scooter Libby, Donald Rumsfeld, and Michael Brown. Among others.

In fact, the president's approval ratings have dipped so low that he has now been eclipsed in popularity by Lucifer the Light Bringer, the angel who was cast from heaven and is now known as Satan, or The Devil.

The Dark Lord celebrates the latest approval ratings.

"Don't get me wrong, I hate Satan and all," said Bob Smith, a subcontractor from Muskogee, Oklahoma. "But I see a little more upside with him than I do with Bush. I feel like Satan is a little more responsive. Because you can pray to him, right? Does he answer prayers? Or do you have to, like, burn baby candles or whatever in order to do that?

"Plus, Satan can punish people," Smith continued. "Like this guy who lives next door to me, Wayne? Wayne's always drinking beer and laughing and listening to music. And I really hate him. Plus, he's got this compost pile in his backyard that he uses for his garden or whatever? And that thing stinks. I mean, it stinks to high heaven. Sometimes, late at night, I'll run next door and pee in the compost. Just to annoy him. Sometimes I wonder if the stink I notice is just me smelling my own urine as it evaporates in the hot sun. But hey, if this guy is going to insist on having this stinking pile of compost, then I have to pee in it. See how that logic works? It's frontier justice, man. After all, the thing is on his property, so what can I do? Except for the peeing, of course. Which I already mentioned."

The poll results come on the heels of rumors that Lucifer is considering a 2008 presidential run.

Hyperlinks:
- Poll: Bush approval stands at 38% [CNN]
- World Bank Panel: Wolfowitz Broke Rules [Washington Post]
- Putting the Squeeze On [U.S. News and World Report]
- Crossing A Line At Justice [USA Today]
- Jury Convicts Libby on Four Charges [MSNBC]
- Bush Ousts Embattled Rumsfeld [Washington Post]
- 'Can I quit now?' FEMA chief wrote as Katrina raged [CNN]

Technorati tags: Bush, Satan, Approval Ratings, White House scandals, Lucifer, the Light Bringer

The tale of Ganjaya

2007-05-07T08:37:00.000-04:00

I'm a few days late on this, but there was news recently that Sanjaya's mother -- and best girlfriend, besides her older sister of course -- was busted for growing pot back in 2005. But just days after that news came out, she was photographed taking a bong rip at some party.

She looks just like her daughters.

Her real name is Blyth, but you know what I like to call her? What I like to call her is, I like to call her Ganjaya. Get it? Or how about this one...how about BONGjaya?!?!? Man, that is sweet. Someone pull up a stool and put a bucket down in front of me. Because I'm paying OUT, baby!

Now, far be it from me to give someone a hard time for smoking pot. Pot is not heroin. There are many worse things a person can do than smoke a little pot on their own time. However. If you are the mother of a celebrity, and you just wrapped up your pot-growing court case, don't go to a party and get photographed hitting the bong. Aren't you in your 40s anyway, meaning you are waaay too old to be smoking out of a bong regardless? Either way, Ganjaya, let me know when you're going to be in my neck of the woods. I'll be sure to break out the black light and rent a copy of The Wall for us. And I've got this awesome bong where the bottom part is, like, this jester's head? It's sooo trippy. You'll love it.

Hyperlinks:
- Sanjaya's Mom Popped for Growing Piles of Pot [TMZ]
- Momjaya Starring in the Bong Show [TMZ]

Technorati tags: Sanjaya, American Idol

Recap of The Office: "Women's Appreciation"

2007-05-03T21:46:00.000-04:00

Why does NBC have such uneven start and run times for its shows sometimes? It's like some disgruntled prankster broke into the scheduling computers and just messed with them to undermine the network. The Office started at 8:36 this time. Huh? It's just like the story about the angry guy who masturbated in the big vat of Oreo cream when he worked at the Nabisco factory, because he wanted revenge against everyone. Or maybe that's just an urban legend. Nevertheless, I find the story to be appropo.

But what was I saying, oh yeah, it's sweeps month, baby! And that means new episodes for a whole month! That's like four new episodes, in a row! Considering that this season of Lost seemed to have four new episodes total, this is no small thing. But it's cool when a season is about to end, and you see the storm clouds gathering for the final, apocalyptic cliff hangers. Michael actually broke up with Jan in this episode, which foreshadows some kind of huge confrontation. They seem to be building toward Jim and Karen split as well.

But as for this episode, a flasher gives Phyllis the bidness in the parking lot (again, I invoke the Oreo guy), and Michael holds some sort of sensitivity training, followed by Michael taking the girls out to the mall and spilling his guts to them about how he's not happy with Jan and that she makes him wear school girl outfits. Er, I don't know, but they may have taken this Jan-is-a-freak thing too far. It may be just a shade beyond believable now. Maybe not.

Back at the ranch, the guys are hanging out in the ladies' bathroom at Kevin's behest, with Kevin proclaiming that "we should do this A LOT more often," followed by Toby responding that "I think we spend an appropriate amount of time together" in that hilarious mumbling deadpan of his. Probably the funniest moment of the episode was when Jim mentioned his six-month anniversary with Karen, with Ryan commenting that "I thought you guys were just hookin up." Jim says, no, they're dating, to which Ryan replies that "you might hear something about an e-mail." Jim says "yeah, Karen mentioned that. She said she told you she didn't want an office relationship right now, but liked you as a friend." Ooh, busted, Ryan. Take that, asshole! I'm totally telling Kelly.

But overall, a lot of this episode was actually kind of sweet, with Michael showing his vulnerable side and so on. So generally a nice episode, but I'm not freaking out about it. I'll give it a Huzzah, but no exclamation points.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous recap of The Office [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tag: The Office

Why must homeless people drink Alize?

2007-05-02T22:07:00.000-04:00

On my walk from the train station to the office, I pass through a couple of, shall we say, high-traffic areas. No place truly dangerous, but situated such that there is no shortage of bums in the general neighborhood. As such, these bums often help decorate the tree planters and gutters along the streets with empty alcohol bottles. And hey, that's all right. I've decorated tree planters and gutters with far worse in my day. What's interesting about this is how often I see Alize bottles among the general bum detritus. So often, in fact, that it seems to be a full-blown phenomenon. And one I fail to understand, at that.

I never really feel like the bugs are
completely off of me until the smooth fruit
taste of Alize hits my toothless gums.

By way of background, Alize is a blend of cognac and various fruit juices. It has been glorified in hip-hop culture since the early 90s. A pint of it costs around $7 - $10 and it is 16 percent alcohol. Just as a data point, let's compare that to, say, Georgi Vodka. A pint of that stuff -- containing more than twice the alcohol -- costs less than a pint of Alize.

So I just don't get it. It's frustrating! Some people want to intervene and help the homeless find housing or employment or health care services. I want to help them with their choice of booze. If they just went for the wood varnish remover they sell in the liquor stores as "gin," they could get so much more bang for their buck. Sure, it's not as stylish, but until the ladies get here, maybe we just stick with the cheap stuff, huh? I mean, Diddy's new year's eve party is still several months away. And the contractor still hasn't shown up with that hot tub you ordered installed in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue. So until all that happens, why not just take it easy? When they're hungry, are they saving up to buy truffles? Fuck no. They're going to McDonald's. At least if the McDonald's near me is any indication. Why does the same not hold true for alcohol? It's a mystery to me.

Basicaly, it's just unfortunate to see the homeless people throwing away their hard-begged cash like that. It's almost like bums don't have a strong sense of money. Huh. Well, until I see some changes, consider this a personal crusade. I want to see more empty Kentucky Gentleman bottles in the tree planters, and fewer Alize bottles. To all the homeless blog readers out there: what do you think? We can do this together, right? If you can't make sensible decisions about your intoxicants, then what CAN you be sensible about?

Hyperlinks:
- Alize [Wikipedia]
- Georgi Vodka [Garnet Wines and Liquors]

Technorati tags: Alize, homeless people

Jon Bon Jovi shows Idol contestants how to rock...for the first time

2007-05-02T09:45:00.000-04:00

With the Wizards mercifully out of their misery and the Mavs-Warriors game not on until later that night, it was time for me to get re-acquainted with a little Tuesday night program with which you may be familiar. Here we go, baby. THISSSSSS...is American Idol. Da nannananananaaaaaa! Silver singing guy! Da nanananananaaaaa! Let's get it on. I know -- my verbal description is just like being there.

The bookend theme for last night's episode was that the show raised $70 million for kids around the world, including Katrina victims. In a magnanimous gesture at the end of the show, President Bush appeared via video to thank Idol viewers for picking up his slack. Very nice, George. Now off to bed with you. With the American Idol address, plus the war bill veto, you've had a big, big day!

Time to rock...with that dude from the Goo Goo Dolls' dad!

Anyhoo, on to the music. With Haley, Sanjaya, and all the other chaff now separated from the general wheatiness of the remaining contestants, last night's episode was probably the best one of the season. Your guest mentor for the evening? Jon Bon Jovi. Or, as I like to call him, JBJ. While I enjoy JBJ just as much as anyone, I think Idol missed the mark a little bit. A few years ago, Bon Jovi enjoyed a little resurgence as Gen Xers discovered the pleasure of screeching out the lyrics to "Livin on a Prayer" on the karaoke stage or just before last call at the local alehouse. But unfortunately, 20- and 30-somethings have moved on in their search for retro acts that they can enjoy ironically while insisting they are not enjoying them ironically. Christopher Cross, anyone?

But as for the actual songs last night, they really were top shelf as far as American Idol goes. Jordin Sparks was, for the first time, the exception, as she completely shat the bed with her faux-rocker-girl take on the aforementioned "Prayer." Earlier, Phil treated us to a good (if strangely heartfelt) rendition of "Blaze of Glory." He said he grew up singing that song in the mirror. That's great.

I have to say that the highlight of the evening, however, was Lakisha Jones absolutely owning "This Ain't a Love Song." It was especially impressive considering that she has been forced to sing stuff she isn't familiar with week after week. JBJ, Gwen Stefani, Tony Bennett, the guy from Hermann's Hermits...not exactly an overly, er, soulful bunch there. Would it kill American Idol to work a little Jill Scott into the mix? A little Alicia Keys? Something? Throw Lakisha a bone here, guys. You bunch of filthy racists.

Following Lakisha was Blake, who I don't normally like, but last night he blew the roof off with a sweet beat-box rendition of "You Give Love A Bad Name." It really was fantastic. Seriously. Maybe you had to be there.

Anyone who followed those two acts was going to look pretty bad. And never one to break from the expected, Chris Richardson stepped up to the plate and did just that. During rehearsal, JBJ told Chris to sing "Wanted Dead or Alive" in a sad way. Chris proceeded to heed JBJ's advice, insomuch as he totally and completely ignored it. He opted instead for smoldering. You can tell that the fame and the dating of fellow reality stars is going to his head a little bit. When he got to the "I'm wanted...dead or alive" line, I thought he was going to stop the song and say "sexually...know what I mean? I am wanted sexually."

But luckily that didn't happen, and Melinda closed things out with a JBJ rocker("Have A Nice Day") that the judges said sounded like Tina Turner, but I thought just sounded awkward, albeit well sung. And speaking of awkward, how about JBJ trying to relate to black people?!?! JBJ seemed nice, but Jesus, JBJ, could you be any whiter? With him calling Lakisha "girlfriend" and telling Melinda she had to "take it to church" as a way to feel comfortable singing his rock song...well, it was pretty embarrassing. Stick to the owner's box, JBJ.

Overall, I think Chris Richardson and Phil (despite a nice performance) might be going down this week, with Jordin as a potential shocker. However, since last week's votes are also factoring in, pretty much anything can happen. I'm on the edge of my seat. Just livin on a prayer. And thanks to JBJ, for showing us all how to rock again. I love you, man!

Hyperlinks:
- The President's Thanks, and Other Forms of Kissing Up [Washington Post]
- 'Idol 6' finalist Chris Richardson dating 'The Hills' star Lauren Conrad? [Reality World]

Technorati tags: American Idol, Bush, Chris Richardson, Jon Bon Jovi

Kevin Mitchell dies, Snyder displays emotion in news release form

2007-05-01T09:02:00.000-04:00

I thought it worth mentioning that former Skins linebacker Kevin "Not The Baseball Player" Mitchell died (I presume unexpectedly) in his sleep the other night at age 36. He had some nice games with the Redskins a few seasons ago. The play I probably remember him best for is an interception he made in the Redskins end zone to prevent a Baltimore Ravens touchdown and shift the momentum in a game the Skins eventually won. Sorry to see him go.

What was really interesting about the article, though, was the quote from owner Daniel Snyder that appeared in the AP story:

"Anyone who knew him was touched by his smile, joy for life and love of his family...Anyone who ever played with him or against him never forgot it. He earned our deepest respect."

Wow. Is it just me, or is that a rather touching display from a man who, by and large, doesn't really seem to enjoy being touched? Usually when this happens, the owner says thoughtsandprayers, entire (TEAM NAME) family devasted, thoughtsandprayers, his children and family, thoughtsandprayers, and we're done. But this quote seems like he actually, like, knew the player. Kind of nice. So hey, credit where it's due, Dan. You put out a nice quote there.

Hyperlinks:
- Ex-Redskin K. Mitchell Dies [Washington Post]
- Former NFL linebacker Kevin Mitchell dies at 36 [Yahoo! Sports]

Technorati tags: Kevin Mitchell, Washington Redskins, Redskins, Daniel Snyder

Moss whines way to Patriots, Raiders await germination of magic beanstalk

2007-04-30T09:34:00.000-04:00

One interesting piece of news out of this weekend's incredibly boring NFL draft. The awesome-but-aging Randy Moss was traded to the New England Patriots for a fourth-round pick after two crappy seasons with the Raiders. Moss had apparently been unhappy in Oakland and had repeatedly demanded a trade to either New England or Green Bay. The Raiders were able to accommodate him. Lesson for the kids here: if you're stuck in a bad situation, don't make the best of it, or "work your way out of it," or any such nonsense like that. Just bitch and whine until someone else takes care of the problem for you. Randy Moss likes to teach life lessons to the kids. He views it like a sort of legacy.

Randy Moss paints another thoughtful
metaphor for oh, so many things.

But what about the teams involved? The Patriots have gone all Redskins on us, acquiring Moss, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker, and Adalius Thomas in an offseason spree that has to make them the Super Bowl favorites. Meanwhile, the Raiders used their fourth-round pick to draft John Bowie, a cornerback out of Kiffin College, which I believe is a small liberal arts school somewhere in Saskatchewan. I loved New England coach Bill Belichick's SportsCenter quote, saying "we worked hard to make this happen," or something like that. Well, did you really work THAT hard? You gave up a crappy draft pick for one of the most gifted receivers in NFL history. Was there a lot of wrangling there? What did you initially offer, like a bag of dried dog shit? A can of magic Goya kidney beans? Hey, Raiders. How about we let you give us Randy Moss, and maybe we could see our way to parting with, saaaaaay, this inanimate carbon rod. Don't look directly at the rod! It is very temperamental.

So all's well that ends well in the NFL. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and Al Davis continues to try and use a waffle iron to make a phone call. Dallas Cowboys on line two, Al. Or maybe your socks are just done drying.

Hyperlinks:
- See ya, Randy: Raiders send unhappy Moss to Pats for 4th-round pick [CNNSI]
- Police: Moss used car to bump traffic control agent [ESPN]
- Moss needs a role model, seriously [USA Today]
- Pats Go For Broke [CNNSI]

Technorati tags: NFL draft, Randy Moss, Oakland Raiders, New England Patriots

Recap of The Office: "Product Recall"

2007-04-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

When this episode began, I admit I had my doubts. Hey, there's Jim playing yet another prank on Dwight, with Dwight being oblivious to the point of seeming insane.

But from there, I think this episode became the funniest of the season so far. I may need to watch it again, and I don't want to lose my head here, but dare I say...classic?

The main thread is that Dunder Mifflin had to recall 500 boxes of paper because a disgruntled employee embedded a watermark in there that depicted the animalistic coupling of two beloved cartoon characters. So Donald Duck is reaming Mickey Mouse, and the clients are in an uproar, prompting Michael to announce that the Scranton branch is at Threat Level Midnight. Michael alerts the media. As a means of controlling the story. A news conference (complete with 20 different levels of access) is organized. And of course, one guy shows up -- just enough to publicly document the debacle that takes place when a client angrily refuses to accept their novelty check for free paper.

To handle the surge in customer calls, Kelly gives Angela, Kevin, and Oscar a crash course in customer service. Kelly proclaims that "This day is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S, this day is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" Kelly then tells them that "I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause."

Before I go any further, I have to again give it up for Kelly, aka Mindy Kaling. She is absolutely stealing every scene she is in right now. While Pam mopes and Jim smirks and Michael and Dwight go crazy, there's Mindy Kaling in the background absolutely channeling that character. I now find myself hoping for Kelly scenes the same way I hoped for Smoking Man scenes back in my X-Files days.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Jim and Andy are dispatched to a local high school for some face-to-face damage control. Remember when I said before that Jim needed to grow a pair? Well, during this episode, he was taking Andy to task. Huzzah! First, because Andy is like Michael on Benzedrine. And secondly, because Andy recognizes one of the students as the girl he is dating. Man! That hurts. Andy is ultimately pretty upset about it, but in the end, Jim cheers him up without being too stupid about it. And there was nary a hint of Jim-Pam shenanigans this episode. Thank God.

Oh -- and Creed is now officially a dick. Before he was just crazy. But now, he's a crazy dick. He was the quality control guy, but didn't go to the mill to check the stocks. But he passes the blame to someone at the mill, and she gets fired. He then requests that the office folks put money in a card for her, and he pockets the money. Crazy dick.

"The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job," Creed explains. "So I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man."

So that's about it. Hilarious, fantastic episode. This post doesn't even remotely do it justice. Two thumbs way up. This one is definitely getting permanently Tivo'd this summer.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous recap of The Office [No One Appreciates Me]
- Recap of The Office: "The Negotiation" [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: The Office

The NBA playoffs are snoozy

2007-04-26T09:36:00.000-04:00

Disappointing night in the NBA playoffs Wednesday. First off, the Wizards lost to the Cavs, 109-102. Nothing spells barnburner like a shitty team playing hard against a good team playing like shit. LeBron ended up with a nice stat line including 27 points, but he needed 22 shots to get there and missed all of this three-point attempts. The Wizards have been valiant throughout, but at this point, I just kind of want the season to be over. When your best player (Jamison) has no hope of checking their fourth-best player (Drew Gooden), then you're up a creek, my friend. Also, congrats to Jarvis Hayes for another big effort -- five big points on 2-13 shooting. You're an animal, Jarvis.

Awww...isn't he cute?

But the disappointments don't end there. The Mavs finally woke up and bulled their way past the Warriors in the second half last night. But the play was pretty uninspiring on both sides. Golden State's offense, even when it's clicking, is pretty ugly (it seems to be based entirely on broken plays). And Dallas is going to continue to flail like a headless chicken as long as presumed league MVP Dirk Nowitski continues to flail, also like that same animal. Dude. Dirk. You gotta post up those smaller defenders. What are you trying to prove?

And finally, the sawdust sandwich that is the San Antonio Spurs evened their series. Yippee. Every German's favorite team (well, maybe except the Mavs due to The Big German) is a model of emotionless efficiency. Tim Duncan has some wicked backboard angles. Electrifying! I'm sick of the holier-than-thou writers who come out every time the Spurs go deep in the playoffs to talk about how, if you don't like the Spurs, you're not a real basketball fan. No, buddy. YOU are not the basketball fan! A fan wants to be entertained. If I want to be dazzled by fundamentals, I'll go to fucking basketball camp. You snooty snot bag.

(l-r) Tony Parker and Tim Duncan warm up before game 2.

But Dirk and Timmaaay and all the other less-than-stellar stars are emblematic of the playoffs and the league right now. There are no real, honest-to-God stars out there. Maybe I'm spoiled by growing up in the golden age of basketball in the 1980s and 1990s, but still. It's bleak. Dirk isn't wired for the playoffs, Wade is still injured, Shaq and Iverson are getting old, Gilbert is sidelined, Duncan is so very very boring, Bosh and Melo are not bona fide stars, and Vince is a punk.

Did I miss anybody? Oh, right. Kobe. Now, he's just a sad situation. Like him or not, you have to feel bad for him, dashing himself against the rocks that are the Phoenix Suns every night. He's on such a mediocre team (largely his doing, but nevertheless) and he's so talented that I get frustrated for him. It's like the gorgeous girl with the psychology degree who waits tables at the diner down the road. Sure, she made some mistakes, but come on.

In the meantime, it looks like the only hope is Steve Nash and the Phoenix Suns. Too bad they're going to lose to the Spurs. Hope you like sawdust.

Hyperlinks:
- Just Off The Mark [Washington Post]
- Mavs still waiting on Dirk [Dallas Morning News]
- Spurs' stars join fight [San Antonio Express-News]

Technorati tags: NBA Playoffs, Washington Wizards

Tales of Poetic Justice, featuring Joe Francis

2007-04-25T10:27:00.000-04:00

Didn't we have it all, Joe Francis? Didn't we? A young guy, making money hand over fist creating the Girls Gone Wild empire, selling DVDs and merchandise like there was no tomorrow. You had a huge estate in Mexico that reportedly contained a so-called Anything Button, to fulfill any number of hedonistic desires. Who knows? You may have even gotten laid once or twice along the way.

Joe Francis was living the high life.

But here comes the first twist. Are you ready? Turns out Joe Francis was kind of a dick. I know, can you believe it? He reportedly mistreated women! He lacked proper respect for the rules! And as we all know from Bible study, pride goeth before the perp walk.

But Joe had to learn the hard way. The federal government sued him in 2003 for allegedly filming underage women for Girls Gone Wild -- I know, how in the world did they get through the filter? -- and as they were settling the case, he yelled at plaintiffs. He then called the federal judge a "judge gone wild." Cute! Do you get it? That's really cute.

Joe Francis thought he had it all figured out.

But unfortunately, the judge didn't get the joke (it's a play on the "Girls Gone Wild" thing, your honor) and sentenced Francis to 35 days in jail for contempt. After this is over, Francis now faces up to 100 years in jail on state charges of filming the underage women and bringing drugs into his jail cell while awaiting trial. During his stay, a convicted murderer in the next cell over is serenading him with a special refrain: "Girls Gone Wild! Joe Francis! WOOOOOOO!" Over. And over. Again. And apparently, it is literally driving Joe crazy. Dare I say, he is going, oh I don't know, WILD? Oh, no. It's just too delicious! Now all we need is to find him dangling from the ceiling by a bra strap, and the cycle will be complete. We'll be right back, after this word from Taster's Choice.

Joe Francis' next DVD may have disappointing sales.

Hyperlinks:
- Master of His Own Celebrity [Details]
- Joe Francis: 'Baby, give me a kiss' [Los Angeles Times]
- 'Girls Gone Wild' founder jailed for 35 days [USA Today]
- Judge Shows No Mercy for Joe Francis [TMZ]
- Francis breaking down under cop killer's taunts [TMZ]

Technorati tags: Girls Gone Wild, Joe Francis, Poetic Justice

Former Terp Chris McCray doing gee-golly super job on North Dakota D-league team

2007-04-24T12:31:00.000-04:00

As we all know, North Dakota is a basketball hotbed. It's home to serious ballin, son. So it's very gratifying to learn that former Terp Chris McCray is coming off the bench to help the NBDL's Dakota Wizards reach the D-league championship game, where they will take on the vaunted Colorado 14ers. I heard the 14ers have a center who's, like, six-four. Whew. Good luck, Chris.

Chris McCray had a cup of coffee with Milwaukee as well.

As you may recall, Chris McCray was the guy who lost his academic eligibility for the second half of his senior season with the Terps, when he apparently made the bold decision that Playstation was more important than class. So that may have set him back a little bit. But either way, good to see he's still out there making at least some modest headway in a non-Playstation area of life. And in North Dakota no less! The baller's paradise! Darn tootin!

Hyperlinks:
- Winning it at the Line [The Bismarck Tribune]
- Silver lining in McCray's loss? [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: Goterps, Chris McCray, Maryland basketball, NBDL, Dakota Wizards

Titans of Infotainment confirm early cycles of End Times

2007-04-24T09:16:00.000-04:00

It's been a weird few days of news. There was Va. Tech, of course, and then the NASA thing. Then Boris Yeltsin and David Halberstam both die within 24 hours of each other. Then, one in a series of increasingly penetrating attacks results in one of the Iraq war's bloodiest days for U.S. forces. And a panel of retired generals now think that global warming could lead to still more conflict.

It is not difficult to take these troubling stories as signs that the apocalypse is upon us. But I spy an even more troubling sign. Behold, a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was Sanjaya. And Hell followed with him.

That's right. Sanjaya was a special reporter or something for People magazine at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner. Which was once an event for respected journalists. Hey, what just flew past my ear? Was that a locust?

Repent!

So there he is, mingling with real reporters, rubbing elbows with the Washington glitterati, smiling that smile that makes him look like he's about to have an episode of panicked vomiting right on your shirt front. Did he have any thoughts to share with People, his sugar daddy for the event as well as the journalistic equivalent of a soiled casting couch? (Seriously, People needs a name change. How about Everything Gets Three Stars Magazine? Or We're Just Going to Change A Few Words On Your Press Release And Run With It Magazine? You know, just to be more accurate about things.) Anyway, what did he tell this magazine? That doing a hair commercial "would be awesome." That's good. Hey, does a rash of revulsion count as pestilence? Or is that more of a boils thing?

Hyperlinks:
- David Halberstam, 73, Reporter and Author, Dies [New York Times]
- Rough-Hewn Father of Russian Democracy [Washington Post]
- Iraq Blast Kills 9 GIs, Injures 20 At Outpost
- Could Global Warming Cause War? [CBS]
- Sanjaya's a Hit at White House Correspondents' Dinner [People]

Technorati tags: Sanjaya, White House Correspondents Dinner, death

No post today

2007-04-20T09:52:00.001-04:00

But please feel free to plumb the archives. Have a delightful weekend.

Sanjaya kicked off Idol. What will I do without my favorite girl?

2007-04-19T11:45:00.000-04:00

Well, it's a singing contest again. After Sanjaya got booted from American Idol yesterday, only the best remain. It's like making vodka. You evaporate, you distill, you expunge the impurities, and finally, with any luck, you have a clean product. American Idol is now that. Well, relatively anyway.

Why do you hate me so? Hmmmmmmm?

I'm not sure how entertained I'll be without my favorite young lady on the show, though. Sanjaya showed a lot of courage -- you know, for a girl -- as she put the criticisms aside and sang her heart out week after week. So what if she shat the bed every episode, only to be carried into the final seven on waves of pure sympathy? So what if her voice was barely audible? So what if she was style over substance? I, for one, thought this little lady showed a lot of moxie. You go, girl.

So take Sanjaya's departure, and add it to Haley Scar-not-ho's exit last week, and all the dead wood and baggage has been cleared. (By the way, Haley is now saying that the skimpy outfits are not how she wants to be remembered. But without them, how would you have gotten your gig at the Tropicana? But she also says she'd be open to modeling. Eh? Dudes? What did I tell you? Playboy right around the corner.)

So now, let's get down to the business. I think next week, Phil gets the ax, followed by Lakisha (the "shocker"), then Blake, then Chris, and then Jordin beating out Melinda in a barn-burner finale. Let's get it on!

But not yet. That's for next week. For now, let us mourn the loss of Sanjaya, our most delicate flower. Forget the haters, Sanjaya. Five years from now, when you're running for president, you'll know who to thank. That's right. American Idol. And yourself, girlfriend. Thank yourself. Excuse me...I have something in my eye.

Hyperlinks:
- Hair and Gone: 'American Idol' Trims Sanjaya [Washington Post]
- Buh-Bye, Haley [No One Appreciates Me]
- Stems Fatale [Entertainment Weekly]

Technorati tags: sanjaya, American Idol, Haley Scarnato

Nationals full of something. Dare I call it pluck?

2007-04-19T09:28:00.000-04:00

Wednesday was a feel-good night for Washington sports. First, the Bullets won their final game of the regular season over the sloppy drunk sorority girl of a basketball team that is the Indiana Pacers. In so doing, the Bullets acheived a .500 season and a first-round playoff draw with LeBron and the Cavs, which is probably the best possible matchup they could have hoped for.

However, secondly and perhaps more interestingly (if not more importantly), the Nats gutted out a 13-inning win at home over the Phillies. Fairly meaningless on a practical level, but in a Washington Zeitgeist sort of way, it was big.

It's the little things.

Now, Washington sports fans are smart. They may not be what you would call rabid, but they support their teams and have a high level of knowledge. So the locals know that the Nats suck, and will continue to suck for the forseeable future. In a few years, if they have a couple seasons in the new stadium and all this ballyhooed young talent doesn't start panning out, then we have a problem. But that's an issue for another day. In the meantime, people just seem to want to watch a team that plays hard and cares about winning, even if they don't always acheive it. Basically, we want our losers to be lovable.

And then, when the team (hopefully) gets good in a few years, we can talk fondly about the lean times we all went through together in that old rustbucket of a park once known as RFK Stadium. We'll be like an old married couple recalling their newlywed days in the poorhouse, when you were livin on Ramen noodles and swingin for the fences. I don't want to get too sappy or whatever, but these formative years are when a team, just like a person, establishes their identity.

So with gutty displays like last night, along with community-building gestures such as the players wearing Virginia Tech hats on Tuesday, there are definitely a lot of good feelings surrounding this plucky bunch. Attendance is still down (not even 19,000 made it out last night), but these things take time. And I'll be damned if I'm not seeing more and more Nats caps around town. Hey, if nothing else, they definitely work as the anti-Redskins. If they can counteract some of the it-sucks-that-we-have-to-root-for-such-an-unlikeable-team feelings around here, they've done their job.

(Speaking of which, are the Phillies the Redskins of baseball or what? A bunch of big-talking, underacheiving, can't-produce-in-the-clutch collection of alpha dogs with no team chemistry to speak of. Kind of an interesting comparison.)

So anyway, here's hoping the Nats keep it up. With last night's win, they assured themselves of not being in last place for the entire course of a season (the cellar now belongs to the Phils). So another tiny moral victory. But this is how you build a fan base. Nicely done. Go Nats!

Hyperlinks:
- Wizards Bounce Into the Playoffs [Washington Post]
- Nationals Go 13 Innings, Win on Lopez's Fly Ball [Washington Post]
- After Tragedy, Nats Show Their Support [Washington Post]
- Washington Nationals attendance [SportsNetwork.com]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, Jarvis Hayes, Chicago Bulls, Washington, D.C.,Washington Nationals, Nationals

(Photo credit: By Joel Richardson For The Washington Post)

All right, what else is on TV?

2007-04-18T11:11:00.000-04:00

OK. Time to get out of the funk. No more CNN. What else is on? Ahh, yes. American Idol. Where I never have to do no thinkin. Here comes Ryan Seacrest now.

"We would like to offer our thoughtsandprayers..."

Great. Here we go. Another round of thoughtsandprayers. Thoughtsandprayers this, and thoughtsandprayers that. Those words have all the meaning of parsnip mash. But it's the new American mantra. Let's call it The Mantra of Perfunctory Condolence. People shake that phrase around like an old woman shakes her rosary beads. Hey, I'm part of the healing process! I posted thoughtsandprayers on my Myspace profile!

Anyway. Moving on. Even with thoughtsandprayers, Idol is still miles better than CNN. After all, it's country night, y'all! C'mon! I knew guest judge/coach Martina McBride would bring the biting criticisms. When I think Martina McBride, I think "acid tongue." So we went through the singers. Don't remember Phil, Jordin was good, Sanjaya was gawd awful even for Sanjaya, then there were some other ones, Melinda faked incredulity, Blake was pretty good, aaand we're clear. Although at one point, Chris Richardson (right after receiving some harsh criticisms from the judges) offered thoughtsandprayers for Va. Tech. And the camera caught Simon rolling his eyes. Then, in the next segment, Simon dismissively offered thoughtsandprayers as well, while looking all the time as if he was fighting off the urge to add "blah blah blah" to the end of his sentence. Now Chris is a good Virginia boy like me, so I'm sure it hit home for him. But he did time his thoughtsandprayers announcement rather impeccably for maximum vote-milking. Still, Simon could have been a little less, I don't know, assholish about it. But guess what. Simon is an asshole. Twenty years from now, he's going to pull a Don Imus, everyone is going to pretend to be shocked, and that'll be that. Flag the tape. This will happen.

But I'm backsliding...what's on another channel? There were the Washington Wizards, struggling to win a game -- any game -- as they end their regular season. The last home game came last night against the Orlando Magic. Antawn Jamison played out of his mind, scoring more than half the team's points with 48. Antonio Daniels was incredibly gutty, driving to the basket time after time despite a sore back that was clearly killing him. And Etan Thomas gave one of the best all-around pure efforts I've ever seen him give. And they still lost. I saw it coming when Etan fouled out and they brought in Brendan Pouty-Pants Haywood. Pouty Pants promptly fumbled away a rebound, then on the other end, played limp-wristed defense against ~~Yakov Smirnoff~~ Hedo Turkoglu for the game-clinching shot. Jarvis had a decent game for a change, but was of course completely invisible in the fourth quarter. The middle of the second quarter, though? Man. That's Jarvis Time!

The Wiz have one more game and then the playoffs start Saturday. I'm afraid to watch. So while it was actually a pretty crappy night of TV, it was Christmas and March Madness rolled into one compared to the last two days. Great times. Go mindless entertainment!

Hyperlinks:
- On Idol's Country Night, Simon is the Man in Black [Washington Post]
- Wizards Falter Once Again [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, TV, American Idol

Can't blog today

2007-04-17T12:10:00.000-04:00

With the Virginia Tech story still unfolding and sinking in, it turns out I had some closer connections than I thought to a couple of the casualties. No really close connections, but close enough so that I can't really think of an appropriate post on another topic. Sorry. See you tomorrow, or whenever. Thanks.

Dana, you're doing a heckuva job

2007-04-16T14:54:00.000-04:00

As the death toll speculation rose above 30 for the Virginia Tech atrocity, the White House addressed the issue at its daily news conference. Press Secretary Dana Perino had some very comforting and insightful words for the American people in this awful time of tragedy:

"Certainly, bringing a gun into a school domitory and shooting ... is against the law and something someone should be held accountable for."

Perino: mass murderers should maybe be punished.
You know, if it is determined that laws were broken.

Hmmmm...so let me see if I follow you, Dana. You're saying that someone "should be held accountable" for "bringing a gun into a school dormitory and shooting." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go out on any limbs from which we cannot return here. SHOULD be held accountable? Now, we don't want to SHOULD this fella to death, do we? Let's let all the data come in first before we debate the legality of this issue. After all, there's a lot of gray area to consider when, you know, 31 people have been heartlessly gunned down. So we really should take a moment to consider the appropriate course of subsequent action. Was he in accordance with local, state, and federal firearms regulations? Bet you didn't even think about that, did you? Dana Perino did.

Speaking of firearms regulations, Dana goes on to say that "the president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms." Well, I'm glad to hear that. As young adults are still being pulled bleeding from their dorm rooms and, in many cases, hauled off to the coroner's office, now is as good a time as any to re-assert the president's pro-gun stance. We have powerful special interests to consider in this White House. Why, what are YOU considering?

Update: At the very end of this story posted the day after the shooting, Dana is quoted as telling reporters that "today is not the day" to discuss gun control. Oh, I guess THE DAY OF THE SHOOTING must have been that day. Thanks for the clarification, Dana. Your warmth positively oozes out of you. Like an ooze.

Hyperlinks:
- Gunman killed after deadly Virginia Tech rampage [CNN]
- Bush Said Shocked at College Shootings [AP]

Technorati tags: virginia tech, Dana Perino, White House, Bush

Virginia Tech

2007-04-16T13:09:00.000-04:00

Just a horrible, horrible, horrible tragedy unfolding in Blacksburg. As it stands right now, the number of people reported killed (22) is almost twice the number killed in the Columbine massacre (12). Columbine was, until this morning, the worst school shooting in American history.

I have several family members and friends who are Virginia Tech alums, and I myself lived in Blacksburg for several years as a kid and fondly remember the town and campus. Right now I'm just hoping the shooter is no longer shooting, and that medical personnel are able to reach and treat the victims who are still alive.

This calamity comes less than a year after the campus was locked down because of a gunman on the grounds. That time, a police officer was shot to death.

A bizarre and gut-wrenching string of events for such a sleepy little town in the Virginia countryside. It isn't possible to offer any emotions besides raw shock. And hope that the school and all the victims are able to recover.

Hyperlinks:
- At Least 20 Killed in Virginia Tech Shooting [Washington Post]
- Man Arrested Near Va. Tech In Two Killings [Washington Post]

Bulls de-pants, wet-willy hobbled Wizards

2007-04-16T09:47:00.000-04:00

Whew. This was a tough one to watch. With Antonio Daniels out with injury along with Gilbert and Caron, the Wizards suffered their worst defeat of the season at home against the Bulls, 101-68.

The Bulls toyed with the Wizards. They gave them an atomic wedgie, then raised the torn underwear up the flagpole and made the Wizards salute it. Man. Being forced to salute your own underwear? It doesn't get any lower than that. But even after the point was made, the Bulls kept at it, experimenting with different lineups (a second line led by Ben Gordon, etc.) that they might have to use in the playoffs. Hey, may as well use the Wizards for some live target practice.

The Bulls collapsed around Antawn Jamison, rightly guessing that most of the active Wizards players were only partially qualified to take an NBA court. Donnell Taylor probably ran the point as best as Donnell Taylor can do it. Jarvis Hayes -- the natural choice to shoulder the offensive load in this game -- turned in a classic Jarvis line: 11 points on 4-14 shooting including 1-4 from three-point range, 3 rebounds, 0 assists, 2 turnovers. After the game, both teams joined together to tie Hayes to his locker with athletic tape. For his part, Hayes chose to pee his pants, and follow it up with some weeping.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Jarvis Hayes sucks.

With two games left and a small lead on the semi-surging Nets, these poor guys risk falling back to the seventh playoff seed, which in all likelihood would mean a first-round meeting with....the Chicago Bulls! At that point, the Wizards would meet the Bulls every morning before school at a designated location to hand over their lunch money for the day. Great. Can't wait until the offseason, when the Bullets will hopefully lift weights obsessively and come out next season ready to go postal. That'd show 'em. In the meantime, keep your heads up, guys. Better to spot incoming rocks that way.

Hyperlinks:
- Nothing Much to Shout About [Washington Post]
- Daniels Sits After a Hard Landing [Washington Post]
- Wizards in playoffs, Jarvis Hayes not very good [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, Jarvis Hayes, Chicago Bulls, Washington, D.C.

Has anyone ever heard of a Don Imus?

2007-04-13T13:53:00.000-04:00

I was reading through the newspaper just now, and happened upon a rather prominently placed story indicating that a guy named Don Imus was fired for, like, making racist comments or something? Huh.

Let me fill you in. He had this radio show, right, but last week he apparently made some insensitive remarks about a basketball team? He said the team was unkempt, and then he questioned their purity! If someone happens to come across the exact wording of his comment, I'd love to hear it. Maybe we send away for the transcript?

Who is this? Florence Henderson? Bea Arthur? I wanted
a photo of Don Imus!

And today, the basketball team apparently has forgiven him. I bet Don was upset that they waited until after he was fired to forgive him. He looks like a fairly surly fellow. Well, except for the 1950s housewife hairdo. That's just effeminate.
But anyway, maybe Don will get to do his show in another market, where they've never heard of him before? You know, start fresh. I think that's in everybody's best interest. Just get away. A word to the wise, Don: This is the kind of thing where, if it gets out, the national media could have a feeding frenzy. You wouldn't want the world knowing what a racist jackass you are, would you? Your budding radio career could really take a hit. I'm just saying. Something to think about.

Hyperlinks:
- Don Imus Is Fired by CBS Radio [Washington Post]
- Rutgers coach says Imus' apology accepted [CNN]

Technorati tags: imus, Don Imus, obscure news stories

(photo credit: David Karp -- Associated Press)

Recap of The Office: "Safety Training"

2007-04-13T13:26:00.000-04:00

I really don't know what to make of last night's episode. It was weird. It started off in a promising way, with Andy returning from anger management and taking some not-so-good-natured ribbing. But then he promptly disappears. What up with that, huh? What up? I sense that the show's writers didn't do so well in Wrapping Things Up 101. Maybe they were hungover. I don't know. I really don't want to speculate. But whatever the situation, maybe you guys want to get a GED in that or something? Try one of those correspondence schools. Get your degree in gun repair and wrapping up subplots, right in the comfort of your own home! It is a miraculous age that we are living in.

I was talking about something. Oh, right. The Office. Yeah, weird episode! In the middle, Darrell gives Michael and all the other office people a hard time for undergoing safety training for such a sterile, safe working environment, as opposed to their hard, dangerous warehouse workplace. And that's great. The white-people-are-so-lame humor angle is not played out. At all. That's not a horse that has been beaten to death by socks full of nickels, and then the lumpy corpse was flogged with paddles and left to dessicate in the sun, and then the bones were crushed into powder by a bulldozer, and then Keith Richards snorted the powder, and then a piano fell on Keith Richards' head and killed him, and he was cremated, and his ashes were sent into space, and the spaceship got lost in space. It's not like that at all. That is a verrrrry fresh angle.

But in any event, it leads to an ending I actually thought was kind of brilliant. Michael gets so upset over the belittling that he wants to show the warehouse guys how dangerous the office can be, so he decides to stage a mock suicide (to demonstrate the dangers of seasonal affective disorder), with him jumping off a building (Dwight rented a moonbounce for him to land in). Only he truly is depressed over Darrell's insult, and the office workers know he will be horribly injured if he jumps, so they end up talking him down, with Darrell finally having to tell Michael how brave he thinks he is. Everything up to that sort of sucked, but the ending was so clever that it made up for it. So what they hey. I'll give the episode a thumbs up.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous recap of The Office [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: The Office

Kurt Vonnegut was a damn good author

2007-04-12T11:19:00.000-04:00

Sad news today that author Kurt Vonnegut is dead at 84. He had been a heavy smoker all his adult life, so frankly this is no surprise. However, that doesn't make it any less sad.

The scarf-wearing English majors of the world sometimes belittle Vonnegut's books for being sophomoric. And I'll admit that sometimes he was kind of silly. But being silly isn't the same thing as being facile. Everything he wrote positively dripped with imagination, and his books -- particularly Cat's Cradle, Welcome to the Monkey House, and the underrated Jailbird -- will be appreciated for a long time by anyone who uses books as a means to escape or explore. I've always liked the notion that good art creates an alternate universe that you immediately recognize as your own. Well, Vonnegut did that. So hey. Thanks, man. We'll miss you.

Hyperlinks:
- Writer Kurt Vonnegut, Voice of U.S. Counterculture, Dies [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Kurt Vonnegut

Buh-bye, Haley

2007-04-11T22:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just have to have faith in the American people and the democratic process. For me, that faith was renewed tonight when Haley Scarnato got kicked off American Idol. No way she was more talented than Gina Glocksen (and others), but this is not a time of regret. It is a time of relief. And of healing. She's gone now. That's what matters. Let the healing begin.

Keep your head up, Haley. They'll love you in Atlantic City!

Hyperlink:
- 'Idol' Has Seen Enough of Haley [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: American Idol, Haley Scarnato

Dear Haley Scarnato: please flounce away now

2007-04-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

With this week's American Idol results show only HOURS away -- can you taste it? HOURS! -- I am hoping that my least favorite Idol female of all time gets the boot. And noooo, I'm not talking about Sanjaya. I'm talking about the no-talent ho, Haley Scarnato.

Tonight, I'm singing "Legs," originally legged
by Legs McLeg. Can you leg it?

Now, before you go suspending me for two weeks, I want to make my case. And here it is -- Haley Scarnato stinks at singing. That's it. She is not good at the part of American Idol that it is most important to be good at. Did you hear her version of "Turn the Beat Around" last night? Lot of soul there. And by "soul," I mean "hapless, breathy floundering." She loves to hear percussion like I love, I don't know, eating dog shit. The back-up singers were carrying her. She was terrible! And when the judges called her out, she shrugged it off. Why? Because she spent last week preparing to prowl the stage in increasingly higher heels and shorter skirts, not actually, you know, rehearsing the damn song. So what does it matter if they hate her singing?

Far be it from me to take issue with an attractive woman doing her thing, but is that the sole reason people are voting for her? Are these people aware of this medium called television, on which a hot girl appears approximately twelve million times each day? If you turn on the TV and do not see a hot girl, wait ten seconds. It's like shooting fish in a barrell, only the fish keep jumping out of the barrell and swimming up your ass. There's no sport in it. You don't need to vote for Haley Scab-not-ho (bada-bing!) to see a pair of legs on TV.

Hot girls are a dime a freaking dozen. So cut the line on Haley. Please! I can't listen to her flounder on stage anymore and then toss her hair at the judges because they dare to make this into a singing contest. She must be stopped.

Get her off, and then we'll attack Sanjaya together. I promise. And if none of this convinces you, just think -- the sooner she gets voted off Idol, the sooner she can start negotiating with Playboy.

Technorati tags: American Idol, Haley Scarnato

Wizards in playoffs, Jarvis Hayes not very good

2007-04-11T09:16:00.000-04:00

I knew it was going to happen this way. Despite losing last night, the Bullets secured a playoff berth after Indiana lost to Philly. They're the wounded boxer who has to hope that the bell rings before they die. Indiana provided that bell last night. As for the playoffs, that's a different story. It's not their fault, but I really could see the Bullets not winning another game this season.

Remember before when I said it wasn't their fault? Welllll...that's not entirely true. One potential silver lining in this situation is that perhaps these injuries will allow the team to find out who is willing and/or able to be real players. So far, Darius Songalia and DeShawn Stevenson are among those who have consistently stepped up. (That said, no way should they have run TWO straight isolation plays for DeShawn in the final minutes. Bad coaching, period.)

But one guy who has not stepped up is Jarvis Hayes. According to the box score, Hayes scored 3 points on 1-7 shooting, to go with two big rebounds, one assist and one turnover, and three fouls. He went 1-4 from three and didn't get to the foul line one time. And even when hs is scoring, as in their previous loss to New Jersey, he adds virtually nothing else. He plays horrible, horrible defense, highlighted last night by his waaaaay late failed steal attempt in the final seconds that led to an uncontested, game-sealing Vince Carter dunk. So fine. But if you're going to be a shooting specialist, then there's one important aspect to that. You have to make shots. Every game. Not just when you're up 20 on the Hornets.

Now, Hayes seems like a nice guy. And he seems to want to "step up" and be a key cog on the team. I wonder if he gets a pass in the court of public opinion because he's so nice and earnest and clean-cut and is willing to give reporters thoughtful quotes. Either way, facts are facts. He's been a weak link for the Bullets ever since they took him with the 10th overall draft pick -- yes, he was a lottery pick -- in 2003. He's had some bad luck with injuries, but has been slow to recover from each one. When healthy, he breaks out for a 27-point game just often enough so that people think "oh, he might be turning the corner."

But he's not. He never will. He needs to be traded. Plenty of NBA teams could use a shooter off the bench. So let them talk themselves into Hayes just needing "a change of scenery," and let them get impressed over his "character." Then he won't be the Bullets' problem anymore. We can use his roster spot on a guy who's a little tougher. I wonder if Arron Afflalo will still be available when it's the Wizards' turn to pick...in the meantime, congratulations to the Bullets for making the playoffs for the third straight year. Five years ago, Bullets fans would have killed for that. All I'm saying, is get rid of Hayes. That's all. Thanks for your time.

Hyperlinks:
- Wizards Back Into Postseason [Washington Post]
- Nets 96, Wizards 92 [ESPN]
- Wizards 114, Nets 120 [ESPN]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Washington Wizards, Jarvis Hayes, Arron Afflalo

Welcome Back to "That's Not A Word!"

2007-04-10T11:04:00.000-04:00

WOOOOOO! What a welcome. Thank you! Thank you so much! Please, please! Sit down. Ahhhhh, yes. Thank you thank you thank you, and welcome once again to this episode of "That's Not A Word!"

You may notice our set looks a little different today. That's because we're coming to you from South of the Border, for our special Espanol Edition! And today's contestant? Well, it couldn't be any more fitting, at least stereotypically. Today's contestant is the brand-new Jose Cuervo Oranjo Tequila!

Que suerte!

Cuervo Oranjo, you have a smooth drinkability and a natural citrus finish not found in conventional tequilas. No one is questioning that. However, what we are questioning is your name, which is what brought us South of the Border in the first place. We checked with the locals. We entered it into Babel Fish. And guess what we found out? Tu eres un ganador, Jose! A causa de "Oranjo" NO ES UNA PALABRA!!!!

Perhaps you meant "naranja," the Spanish word for the fruit known as "orange" in English? Either way, oranjo is a meaningless collection of letters occupying the no man's land between both languages. So as your prize today, we present you with what else but a proper Spanish-English Dictionary. This handy, 800-page paperback volume is brought to you by Merriam-Webster's. Get it right the first freaking time, with Merriam-Webster!

Thanks so much for playing, Jose, and we'll see YOU next time. Until then, adios from "No Es Una Palabra!" Ole!

Hyperlinks:
- Jose Cuervo Oranjo Tequila [Internet Wines]
- Merriam-Webster's Spanish-English Dictionary [Amazon]
- Previous episode of "That's Not A Word!" [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: That's Not A Word, tequila

Oh, now witnesses have to "show up in court" for you?

2007-04-09T17:01:00.000-04:00

A while back in P.G. County, a man tried to rob some dudes. Unfortunately, his plan did not pan out the way he presumably drew it up. So he had to shoot some people. What, you've never had an off day at work? Glass houses, my friend. Let he who is without sin shoot up the glass house, or whatever. Know what I'm saying?

But that's not even the point. The point is, the prosecutors convinced one of the shooting victims to testify. But on the day scheduled for testimony, the witness didn't show up. The shooter walked.

There was no evidence of intimidation, so some people may be feeling confusion or even agitation over this. But what I want to know is, what do you want from this guy? You think just because you're trying the guy that shot him, that he "owes" you something? Sheesh. It never ends. But that's The System for you. You guys just aren't thinking outside the box, man. Contemporize! Why go to this stuffy courtroom when you can go outside and fly a kite? Oh, wait. That's probably out. What with the bullet wounds and all. But still! You can't expect him to meet every obligation in his day planner, can you? I'm sure he just accidentally double booked himself. And when it's Monday morning, and you see "testify against the guy who shot you," and "Benson marathon on TV Land" written in the same block of calendar space, which one are you going to choose? Huh? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Hyperlink:
Shooting Victim Fails to Appear, So Charges Are Dropped [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: P.G. County, legal niceties

I always cry at The Masters

2007-04-08T10:09:00.000-04:00

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome back to Augusta National. As an unseasonably chilly breeze whips through the high Georgia pines, the world's greatest golfers face perhaps the sternest test. Of their entire lives. The azaleas still sparkle around Amen Corner, and Rae's Creek still shines as if holding a special secret, but these temperatures continue to wreak havoc on the golf scores, pushing them mercilessly into the black. But come what may, these heavenly grounds will see to it that the green jacket will again be donned, a new champion crowned, among the echoes of golfing past, that awake in the galleries, and rise from the grasses like old lovers. As the history, the tradition, the majesty, the history, the tradition, and the tradition of The Masters enters its final, glorious, magnificent, wondrous, spectacular, and wonderful day.

Hi once again, everybody, I'm Jim Nantz, alongside my partner Nick Faldo. Nick! We've heard a lot about how the cold is freezing the golf scores, but that may pale in comparison to the way Tiger's Saturday run is chilling the spines of his competitors.

Hi again, everybody, and happy Easter!

Nick Faldo: That was a nice pun, Jim.

Jim: Did you like that?

Nick: Aye, I did.

Jim: I wrote that at about two o'clock this morning. But you know, Nick, I don't want to talk about the cold anymore, as we sit cozy together like this in historic Butler Cabin. I want to ask you how well you know this magnificent course.

Will any man ever truly win her?

Nick: Well, having won three Masters here, I...

Jim: No, Nick. Not know it in a golfing sense. I meant know it in the biblical sense. Isn't that appropo here on this Easter Sunday? With the absolute beauty of this course, with each hole having a special name, each more alluring than the last? Perhaps it is Golden Bell that strikes your fancy, as it glistens like a fresh-faced maiden! Or perhaps it is Flowering Crabapple, the hardened dame whom no man may ever tame! No matter your preference, haven't you ever had the urge to steal away in the night, find a green unchaperoned by her keepers, and make love to this, the loveliest place in all the galaxy?

Nick: What?

Jim: Well, me, too, Nick. For me, when it comes to loving The Masters, too much is truly not enough. Conventions be damned. So if you see a man recoil in horror as he retrieves his ball on fourteen -- Chinese Fir -- take notice. For perhaps the ghost of Jim Nantz lingers there. To comingle with the hallowed kings of the past. And truly, indeed, can I think of no greater honor, than to be among them now. But now, let's head out to the action, and Peter Osterhaus....Peter!

Hyperlinks:
- With 1 Round Left, It's All Over [Washington Post]
- Augusta National Golf Club, Course Overview [Official Site]

Technorati tags: The Masters, Jim Nantz, Augusta, knowledge, the ghosts of champions past

Ahmadinejad: British sailors had Sony guts!

2007-04-06T10:40:00.000-04:00

It was a day of merry-making for Britain, as their soldiers returned home after a spot as captives in Iran. Meanwhile Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he could release many more things, half price. Don't walk away! These things he will release, they have Sony guts!

Heeeey. Would I lie to you? Only for you do I do this.

I'm sorry, but I just can't take this guy seriously. He looks like he should be selling imitation handbags and computer parts in the park! Not running a crazy extremist nation. What happened to the days of banging shoes on the table, wagging fingers, hoisting rifles, wearing long beards and black tablecloths, and making bombastic statements about how the West exports Satanism through its oatmeal conglomeration? At least you had a better sense of what you were getting.

But not with this guy. This is the same guy who hosted a Holocaust denial conference in his country just a few months ago. What? There's a conference for Holocaust deniers now? A freaking conference? Who is this guy? Did they hold it at the Tehran Marriott? (They do a magnificent job over there, you know.) What did they do, have an opening rant and a light continental breakfast before dividing up into breakout sessions? I can see the session headings now: "Where we are: Anti-Semitism in a connected world."

Eventually, the conference crescendoed with its keynote address. Over dilled salmon and roasted new potatoes, attendees listened to Ahmadinejad deliver an energizing presentation. Ah yes. And you know what? The part at the end? When he said the Holocaust had Sony guts? You could hear a pin drop in Ballroom A of the Tehran Marriott. A freaking pin. Someone's getting a very positive review on the evaluation form. Huzzah! Oh, and I'll take the Gucci knock-offs for seven dollars. And not a penny more.

Hyperlinks:
- Freed Britons Return Home As Calls for Probe Intensify [Washington Post]
- Holocaust Conference Begins in Iran [ABC News]
- What did I tell you? Iran nuclear program has Sony guts! [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: Iran, Ahmadinejad, British sailors, Sony guts

Recap of The Office: "The Negotiation"

2007-04-06T09:41:00.000-04:00

After a fairly long layover, The Office returned with a new episode this week. But not just any episode -- a Super-Sized episode! But I've gotta say, not even its super size could save this episode from utter mediocrity.

If you'll recall the last episode, Pam told her ex-fiance Roy she had kissed Jim, followed be a freak-out and death threats. So right off the bat, Roy bursts into the office and rushes Jim, but Dwight defused the fight before it started by blasting Roy with pepper spray. Roy was fired, and later made his apologies.

Errr...that's it? That's IT? You didn't want to build the tension? You didn't want them to duke it out in a sweeps-month, season-finale rumble? There were a million different directions this could have taken, and this one was sub-par. The rest of the episode was reasonably funny, but couldn't overcome the disappointment resulting from the whimpering end to this storyline. Michael does some silly stuff, embarrasses Jan, gives Darrell a raise, blah blah blah.

But I want to get back to Jim for a second here. I think that character needs to be broadened a little bit. As I see it, there are only three phases to his personality: prank-playing Jim, aw-shucks Jim, and smirking Jim (the smirking can be subdivided into the "wow, this is a funny situation" smirk, the wide-eyed "I'm nervous" smirk, and the "Pam, I'm totally over it, don't even worry about it" smirk). When Roy apologized to Jim at the end of the episode, guess what? Jim shrugged and smirked. Not only is it oddly emotionless, it's cowardly for the character! Is Jim's character a coward? I know Roy's a big, ornery dude, but Jim's big, too. You mean to tell me they couldn't have slugged it out for Pam, just for a little bit? Jim's character has been flat as a board lately. If you still want him to be the main character in the plot (which he absolutely is), then he needs to grow a pair and find some emotion. Until then, his parts of the show are going to fall a little flat, just as they did last night.

Hyperlinks:
- The Office [NBC]
- Previous Recap of the Office [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: The Office, NBC

The last one out of Verizon Center, please turn off the lights

2007-04-05T13:30:00.000-04:00

So the news Bullets fans were fearing was just announced. Gilbert is out for 2-3 months, ending his season. So for the rest of this rapidly unraveling campaign, they'll be missing Gilbert and Caron Butler, their two best players.

It's times like this I'm glad I play fantasy baseball.

But now, the Bullets are in a version of basketball purgatory. They have eight games left. They need one win to secure a playoff spot. Their standing is way too high to have a realistic shot at a high draft pick. So now I get to watch this team -- the same team that just loss consecutive games to the suck-ass Bobcats -- flounder for a whole month, attempting to win just this one measly game to prevent the season from being an abject failure. It's like watching a boxer get hit so many times that both his eyes swell shut, but his trainer bet his house on the fight. And there's still three rounds to go. That's right -- the Wizards are gonna die on their feet. This is gonna be ugly.

I'm waiting for Kornheiser's "Curse O' Les Boulez" column any minute now. In the meantime, we'll get 'em next year. Blah.

Hyperlinks:
- Arenas out 2-3 months [Washington Post Wizards Insider]
- Wizards Must Find Way Without Butler [Washington Post]
- Wizards Lose Arenas, then the Game [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Gilbert Arenas

I'm putting cherry blossom tourists on my notice board

2007-04-05T09:35:00.000-04:00

In my normal, day-to-day life, I am fairly pro-tourist. I have a distaste for those who try to prove how city they are by constantly grousing about the tourists being under foot. I feel flattered and lucky to live in an area people like enough to visit during their hard-earned vacations.

And now, here comes the but.

I think I reached a tipping point today.

With the increasingly popular cherry blossoms out in full force, the tourists have really descended. And over the last few days, it has reached code-red levels on my commute. I'm a race car in the red, that's all I'm saying.

Run! Don't make eye contact, just get away!

The problem doesn't lie with all tourists. Just the stupid, oblivious ones. Those who insist on taking the train during rush hour, and being totally unprepared for the experience. Like here are the Gundersens from Eu Claire, milling around in front of the ticket gate, blocking everyone's way, while Dad curses euphemistically as he tries to figure out how the ding-dang tickets go into the slot. The babies are screeching and the older kids are fruiting off while Mom chases futilely after them. "Tyler? Tyler? Get back here. This is counterproductive behavior, young man. Remember our discussion? On just this very topic? Caitlin! Don't touch that. Tyler! TYLER, DON'T KISS YOUR SISTER! That is WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE!!!!"

I maneuver past them and board the train. But a few stops down, there's a huge, extended, rather permed family (I'm guessing they're from Indiana) waiting. The doors open. They hover uncertainly in front of them (again, blocking everyone's path). They wonder aloud: "Do you think this is the right traaaaaaain? Should we get oooonnnnnn? Excuse me, siiirrrrrrrrrr? Does this go to Washington, deeee ceeeeeeeeee?????" At the very last second, they decide to waddle aboard. All twenty-seven of them. Shouting and playing grab-ass and laughing like hyenas. All the while, the doors are trying to close on them, which just makes them laugh harder, blithely unaware of the fact that blocking the doors is the fastest way to break the train, meaning we'd all have to get off and cram onto the next one. Looks like I picked the wrong day to leave my gun at home. (Thanks for getting me all paranoid, Jim Webb aid guy.)

So tourists, if you're reading, I want to say one thing: This is a real, working city. This is not Six Flags. The subway is not a roller coaster. Some of us are just trying to go to work. You are driving me crazy every morning. Like, bat shit crazy.

I could go on. And on. I could talk about you constantly breaking the ironclad rule of not standing on the left side of the escalator. And a new concern is that you are actually destroying the very thing you've come to see. But I guess I'll stop. In the meantime, I've got my eye on you. Better shape up. Or at least, wait until 9:30 to ride the train? Thanks.

Hyperlinks:
- Escalators Survive Tourists, Tree Roots Not So Much [Express]
- Webb Aid Tried to Take Gun Into Senate Building [Washington Post]
- Standing on the Left? You Must Be on Vacation [Washington Post]
- Smothered With Love [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: cherry blossoms, Washington, D.C., tourists

Sanjaya Malakar: this little lady's got all the right moves!

2007-04-04T09:33:00.000-04:00

Another week, another episode of American Idol, another round of flummoxed Sanjaya bashing. In a so-illogical-it's-logical move, the judges have actually stopped judging her. They know that if they rip her, the 14-year-olds will flood them with the pity vote. But it's not just the bad singing that turns people off. It's that she doesn't get the joke. Simon sarcastically calls her performance "incredible," and she yells back "welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!" followed by Ryan saying "you really know how to fly under the radar, Sanjaya." Meanwhile, she just grins that big shit-eating grin of hers -- you know, the one that makes her look like she's about to throw up. Somewhere between manic and panic. Quick -- someone hold her hair back!

That's funny how you guys pretend to hate me, hee hee!
This hair product is making me queasy.

I should admit, however, that she looked great in that androgynous suit of hers, singing "Cheek to Cheek" and dancing with Paula. Very clever, girl. You go!

Unfortunately for the haters, however, she'll probably stay around for a few more weeks. Voters usually get it right in the end, but the demographic backing of the other weaker contestants (Haley with the hot-girl vote, Phil with the support-the-troops vote) will probably not prove as strong as the pity vote of the mighty Sanjaya. But eventually, she'll end up on the chopping block. Once the teeny boppers and old ladies have to choose between Sanjaya and Jordin Sparks, they'll shape up. In the meantime, enjoy! Because this little lady's got the goods.

Hyperlink:
Send In the Clowns. Don't Bother, Sanjaya's Here. [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: American Idol, Sanjaya, Sanjaya Malakar

I've a good feeling about this Washington Nationals franchise

2007-04-03T08:46:00.000-04:00

First off, props to the Florida Gators for repeating as national basketball champions. Great game last night -- Greg Oden was the best player, but Florida was the best team. They were five young men, functioning as one single unit. They were firing on all cylinders. They refused to lose. They gave 110 percent. They did their talking on the court. These phrases are all copyright MSH 2007. Patent pending.

It's always bittersweet when college basketball ends. I literally mark time in the winter with basketball. It's like a series of irregular but functioning lights leading me out of the forest primeval. Ah, yes. And now, I look back. Happy to be shaking free of winter's cloak, but saddened that I will not gaze upon those lights again until the shadows renew their escape, and I am another summer closer to death.

Hey, speaking of summer, it's baseball season! Opening day was yesterday, and your Washington Nationals set it off in style with a nifty 9-2 loss to the Marlins. Staff "ace" John Patterson was rocked, no one except Ryan Zimmerman generated any offense, and we lost two starters in Nook Logan and Cristian Guzman. So huzzah. I'm glad we're sticking with Guzman, by the way. He's worth it.

OWWWWW! My knee/ankle/hamstring/
hip/neck/groin/finger/testicles!

So what if he's a terrible hitter and his body is made of wet tissue paper? It's the intangibles, man. Like when he made lemonade for the whole clubhouse? But then later revealed he had peed in it? That may not have happened, but that's the kind of thing you just can't teach. So spare me your stats, seamheads. Cristian Guzman is a rock of this franchise. I don't know how I can make a stronger case to you people.

So with this season off to such a promising start, Nats fans have one job this year. Kiss Ryan Zimmerman's nether-regions like they are made of vanilla ice cream. We can do that, right? So with that in mind, let us open up the cathedral of baseball, and let the boys of summer take to the emerald chessboard. It is always baseball season...in heaven.

Hyperlinks:
- Gators Set a Double Standard [Washington Post]
- Nats Get Banged Up [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Washington Nationals, Nationals, Gators

Wiccans and Communists 1, Common Sense 0

2007-04-02T11:55:00.000-04:00

Can you believe it? This morning, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled that the greenhouse gases that cause global warming are pollutants, and thus, the EPA has the right to regulate car emissions and the like. The Bush administration -- clearly concerned about overstepping the bounds of its authority -- felt the EPA did not have this right.

At this point, I just want to take a moment to sarcastically congratulate Big Environment. Congratulations, jerks. Way to score another victory for The Big Guys. The Fat Cats. Looks like your corrupt Lobbying Machine has come through for you. Again. What I really want to know is, how much did Ruth Bader-Ginsburg turn for? Huh? Did you promise her a piece of the action? The benefits you and your kind are going to reap from this are enormous. You can't pull the wool over my eyes. So where did you meet Anthony Kennedy to deliver the briefcase of Rubles? For shame, Big Environment. You're driving us back to the stone age!

Environmental lobbyists godlessly celebrate their latest victory.

So to sum up, it's like a broken record with you. Just out for the bottom line, just out to do your drugs and kill your babies and worship your pagan deities, with no regard for the rest of us. I hope you are happy, Big Environment. Let the results of this court decision be forever on your head.

Hyperlinks:
- Justices: EPA Can Control Car Emissions [Washington Post]
- The Supreme Court has your number, Big Environment [No One Appreciates Me]
- Justice Kennedy works on his swing [CNN]

Technorati tags: Environment, Supreme Court, Global Warming, bush, I hate liberals

Redskins eat own young

2007-03-30T09:50:00.000-04:00

In a tragic display of instincts gone awry, the Washington Redskins this week again cannibalized their own young, jeopardizing the franchise's future for short-term sustenance.

In a springtime ritual that has become all too familiar in Washington, the Redskins offered a top-ten and a sixth-round draft pick to the Bears for linebacker Lance Briggs and a lower first-round selection. At the same time, the Redskins have set up a meeting with blue-chip quarterback and likely number-one pick JaMarcus Russell, undoubtedly shaking the confidence of young quarterback Jason Campbell, who the Redskins drafted in 2005 after again sacrificing their own draft picks to move up in the draft and select him. This is to say nothing of linebacker Rocky McIntosh, last year's second-round draft pick who would presumably be supplanted by Briggs on the depth chart. The Redskins gave the New York Jets last year's second- and sixth-round picks, as well as this year's second-round pick, for the rights to move up 18 spaces in that draft to select McIntosh.

Another Redskins youngling cowers on the ground just before being devoured.

It is a behavior that is slowly becoming destiny for the Redskins, as year after year finds the team consuming its own future in draft picks and refusing to develop younger talent, opting instead for salary-cap-destroying free agents.

"We went 5-11 last year, so our goal is to win now," said Redskins owner and de facto general manager Daniel Snyder in a rare media interview. "Does this seem like a time to go back to the drawing board to you? I don't think so."

Unlike in the animal kingdom, where even the wildest of instincts are based upon the fundamental tenet of survival of the fittest, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the quagmire of mediocrity and inconsistency at Redskins park. Egotistical mercenary veterans run rampant, undercutting team cohesion, while players who are told they are valuable are, like the team's young, often cannibalized.

Caught on tape for the first time: the Redskins prepare to
make another meal....of themselves.

"Why mess with a winning formula?" Snyder said. "When I finally win the Super Bowl, I -- or my security detail -- am going to come down from my sky box and slap each and every one of you with a wet rag, right across your insolent faces. Future, shmuture. I want to win NOW! NOW! NOW!"

"When does the next batch of hatchlings appear?" he continued. "Bring them before me NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! My formula is unstoppable. Whoops, sorry. I just accidentally took a bite of my own face there. Well, that's a feeding frenzy for you. But see the success? Why must the little people spew so much hate?

"I just don't get it."

Hyperlinks:
- Briggs Trade Just One Scenario [Washington Post]
- Redskins to Sit Down with QB Russell [ESPN]
- Redskins Draft Miami's McIntosh [Washington Post]
- New Redskins Are Introduced: Carter Joins Four Other Acquisitions [Washington Post]
- Problems at the Core [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington, D.C., washington redskins, The Trials of Life

I just don't have the heart to write the "Palestinians Up Shit's Creek" headline

2007-03-28T13:43:00.000-04:00

Without taking any sides here, isn't it fairly safe to say that the Palestinian people lead some of the suckiest lives on Planet Earth? Hey, I'm just saying. In absolute value terms, they have crappy lives. And for some Gaza townspeople, I mean that literally, as a sewage basin ruptured yesterday and literally released a deadly tidal wave of putrid, putrid human waste on a Gaza village. Oh, and animal waste, too. Don't forget animal waste! At least four people died.

Don't touch the scum, kids! And oh, how I wish
that really was just scum! I'd eat five pounds
of scum right now if all that was was ordinary scum!

Let us ponder this for a moment. Living in the Gaza Strip, you are most likely living on a sweltering, squalid dirt farm. There are drum-tight border check points in every direction, and thus you are generally one errant pizza delivery away from bloody streetfighting with your next-door neighbor and mortal enemy -- who is generally regarded as having one of the fiercest armies pound for pound in the world. And your best means of defense in that event? Blowing yourselves up. And now, your grandmother has drowned in a shit tsunami, and you'll be cleaning bits of decomposed goat entrails off of what's left of your meager possessions for the rest of your natural life. I mean, is this rock bottom here? What's next? Locusts? The Plague? Everyone gets free puzzles with one piece missing? All their TVs get only the TV Guide Channel? I'm just saying -- it's a tough row to hoe out there.

Hyperlink:
- Flood of Sewage in Gaza Kills at Least 4 [New York Times]

Technorati tags: Palestinians, gaza, middle east, Hell, sewage, squalor, unfortunate situations

Photo credit: Mahmud Hams/AFP -- Getty Images

Wait, did Congress just do something?

2007-03-27T19:45:00.000-04:00

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Naaaaaaaaahhhhh, wait, wait, wait. What just happened here. I think you kinda lost me for a second there, Washington Post. Are you trying to tell me that BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS have passed a bill on a major issue? I don't even know what the issue is -- Iraq? Forever stamps? They want to make Toucan Sam the national bird? Whatever. But you are trying to tell me that both houses actually passed something? Speak American again, eggheads. This does not compute. So I tell you what -- I'm going to be in my spaceship. Okay? You call me when you're ready again to write articles like a sane newspaper.

Are you talking about the same Congress who hasn't passed a freaking budget yet for the fiscal year we are currently in because they can't agree on what they ate for breakfast this morning? The same Congress led by the scattershot Democrats, who wish to feed the multitudes with five loaves and fishes? Hey, sounds great. Meanwhile, I'm just going to tap this rock with my staff here and get the Grey Goose flowing out of it. Because you're making me need a drink.

But you're honestly saying this bill soon go to the President's desk?!?!?!? Wait, he's not going to sign it, is he? Oh, noooooo, nooooo, nooooo. See, now you're starting to make sense again. I thought you were going to tell me they were going to, you know, fulfill the legislative process. All that how-a-bill-becomes a law hooey from cartoon land.

Wake up, Polyanna. You almost had yourself a beautiful little dream there. As for me, I'm going back to Cynical Island. You know. I have a bungalow there. It's an island in the Skeptical Sea? I live in the Valley of Hopelessness? The views suck, but for now, it's pretty daggone comfortable.

Hyperlinks:
- Senate Signals Support for Iraq Timeline [Washington Post]
- Bush: House Timetable Will Not Survive Veto [NPR]

Technorati tags: Congress, politics, iraq

The Miller Lite Smithsonian Institution expresses regret over Small's departure

2007-03-27T08:51:00.000-04:00

It is a dark day for museum lovers, as Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence Small has resigned amid controversy over his spending of taxpayer dollars on swimming pool maintenance and personal travel, among other things.

Throughout his career there, Small was the subject of vitriol from the academics of the institution. Which, henceforth in this post I will refer to as "the dweeby nosepickers," or just simply "the nosepickers."

Stuffy museum scientists lack this kind of vision.

Anyway, the dweeby nosepickers had a problem with the fact that he was giving away things like naming rights to rich donors (for example, the American History Museum building is now called the Kenneth E. Behring center, and so on). I say, think bigger, guys. Picture this -- the National Air and Space Museum, fueled by Mountain Dew. I can almost hear that museum's demographics skewing younger. How can you not be on board with this kind of modern thinking? I'll tell you how. Because you pick your nose all the time.

People also got upset because he gave himself a salary of $915,000 (or more than twice the established base for Smithsonian executives) as well as perks like $273,000 in maid expenses. And I'm taking "maid expenses" here to mean "sex with maids." You can't pull the wool over my eyes on that one, Lawrence, you devilish dog. How else could you possibly spend that much money on maid services unless they were dripping hot lemon wax on your genitals while the wife was on holiday in Malta with that falafel-hued pool boy, whose "expenses" we also heard about?

He also, according to the dweeby nosepickers, wasn't overly committed to research. But here's the flip side. He raised record amounts of money. That's it. Argument over. What else do you need? Oh, you think the Smithsonian's "soul" is more important than that? Please. Buildings don't have souls. They're inanimate objects. Check, and mate. Nosepicker.

And furthermore, when was the last time you went to the Smithsonian to see their awesome research? I've never seen any compelling "research" exhibits, have you? Ooooh, look, honey. The nosepickers are about to conduct some research right in front of our very eyes. Get the camera ready! Yeah, I don't think so, pal. What Small realized that the dweeby nosepickers did not, is why people like museums. They need more exciting stuff that you can buy with lots of money. For example, I was in ESPN Zone the other day, and they had little television sets over the urinals. Can you believe it! Television sets over the freaking urinals! And you could change the channel by simply redirecting your urine stream onto a different quadrant of the specially formulated urinal cake! Amazing. I may have dreamed that last part, but still. This is what you museum nosepickers should be coming up with! The world doesn't need another moldy painting or historical artifact. We need television sets you can control with your urine stream. Research that. Jerks.

And until then, I'm boycotting the Smithsonian and its "one-of-a-kind experiences" or whatever. Lawrence Small was right, nosepickers. And down the road, when you're lighting cigars with the special flame only produced by centuries-old parchment documents, you'll know who to thank.

Hyperlinks:
- Smithsonian's Small Quits in Wake of Inquiry [Washington Post]
- Smithsonian Institution Announces Biggest Single Donation in its 154-year History [Smithsonian Institution]

Technorati tags: Smithsonian, museums, Washington, D.C., news

In lieu of office pools, next year I'm going to directly flush my money down the commode

2007-03-25T22:31:00.000-04:00

I really like that word. "Commode." Ah, savor the sophistication.

Outstanding game today between Georgetown and North Carolina, with the Hoyas prevailing in overtime. They just seemed to outlast the Tar Heels, getting every key rebound, making clutch free throws, and pulling out every big stop down the stretch.

It was tough to figure out who to root for there, as I actually do root for both of these teams when Maryland is not involved. But it was nice to see local hoops get into the Final Four. It'll make for a more interesting week around here, if nothing else. And it's always fun to pretend I'm a big fan of some program just because they're still alive. Fairweather fandom is really underrated.

So I'll keep rooting for them at this point, seeing as how my bracket is totally ruined because Kansas -- once again -- didn't come through. I don't even know why I picked them to win the whole thing. They do this every single year. They're always really balanced, they peak at the right time, and then they crap the bed in the tournament. It's the Jayhawk tradition. And speaking of crap, that's what I'm doing with the money I paid to enter two office pools this year. I'm just crapping money down the crapper. Like it's my job. Why do I enter these damn things? Why did I pick Wisconsin going to the elite eight? And now I have to listen to the resident office cocky guy crow about being in first place, when all he did was pick the chalk and ride it out like the no-imagination pencil neck that he is. Meanwhile, everyone knows I'm a college basketball junky, so I have to hear about being in 173rd place or whatever. Hey, I thought you were supposed to be good at this stuff! Office cocky guy said he didn't even pay any attention to his picks, he just wrote out the favorites! I heard the pot is like four thousand dollars this year!

Hey, sounds great. You know what, I'm going to go ahead and drink this ink cartridge now. Do you think that will be poisonous enough to kill me? If my office was on a higher floor, I'd just throw myself out of it. That'd be awesome. Hey, office cocky guy is on a floor that's probably high enough. Do you think he'd let me use his window? Yeah, probably not. So what was I talking about? Oh, right, go Hoyas, whatever, I don't care. And screw Kansas. Go back to eating wheat or whatever it is you people do. I heard Danny Manning was gay.

Hyperlink:
- Something Extra [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: March Madness, Georgetown

At the changing of the seasons

2007-03-23T11:17:00.000-04:00

I deliver these verses:

When the winter-tide
bids long farewell
to the frost-bonded soil
of her hardened bed,

Fair Lady Sun
opens forth her petals.
Release the deeds
unknown in the cover
of lovely winter-tide,
who had broken the plough-burnished
ground to grind!

Let the works and days
spring o'er the frost
and forbear not the toil
forgotten by winter,
forgotten for deeds
unknown in the offing.
And turn forth again
that full face of spring,
and let her faun thus
bask and shine.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm selling orange drink in the back for gas money. So please. Indulge in some orange drink. Thank you so much, and have a gentle weekend.

Technorati tags: Poetry, The changing of the seasons, Winter, Spring

The notion of accuracy gives me seizures!

2007-03-22T22:24:00.000-04:00

Just watched Memphis beat Texas A&M in the Sweet 16 game. Great game, but I must say -- there was a bit of a problem at the end. Here comes a rant.

But before I go into it, I want to express for the record that I have had a lot of interaction with the mentally, physically, and developmentally disabled in my lifetime. I really have. My mother for a time was a teacher in a school for the disabled. The disabled are generally capable of more than the public gives them credit for. And I watched Life Goes On. I have plenty of exposure. So all I'm saying here is, they shouldn't hold high-profile jobs. Such as, I don't know, college basketball referees. They just can't handle it! That whole "everyone's a winner" vibe doesn't hold much water when you're determining the outcome of an event in which only one winner is humanly possible.

To wit: With 3.1 seconds left in the game, Texas A&M threw the ball in, only to have it knocked out of bounds by a Memphis player. Tipping the ball with your hands right before it goes out of bounds should take about 0.2 to 0.3 seconds off the clock. At least, according to general rules and to announcers Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery, who only have a combined 379 years of college basketball coverage between them. But after reviewing the call for, oh, about five minutes, the refs decided the clock should be set at 2.0. So, 1.1 seconds were taken off. That's enough so that the Aggies could only get off a desperation shot rather than running a coherent play. Ball game.

So my question is: why are the special needs people relied upon to do math in these situations? It embarrasses them, and it embarrasses everybody else. We don't want to be in the position of telling them they're, like, not exactly right on their painstakingly considered calculations. Do we? So why are they out there? It's a mystery. And in the meantime, it's the Aggies' loss. Literally.

Everyone's a winner. Until some ref goes and pukes on him(or her)self at midcourt. Just something to think about.

Hyperlinks:
- Aggies Lose to Memphis in Thriller [Houston Chronicle]

Technorati tags: March Madness">, Texas A&M, Memphis

It's Groundhog Day in Washington

2007-03-22T09:39:00.000-04:00

I realize I have been somewhat delinquent lately in my political posts. But that's because there's nothing of substance to say that hasn't already been said a million times before. Even in this teensy little Weblog, I have summoned the awareness to notice that Washington was spinning its wheels. And that was three months ago!

I know how you feel, Bill.

So here's the road map for what's left of Bush's term:

1) The Democrats play whack-a-mole with the White House on Iraq, making threat after threat and introducing bill after bill. Some of it may pass the House, only to die a slow, sloooooooow death in the Senate.

2) Congress tries in vain to press the rest of its varied agenda. The most recent example would be Al Gore testifying on global warming before Congress yesterday. He made some good points, but for some reason certain lawmakers -- led by Texas Rep. Joe Barton and Oklahoma Sen. James Inhofe -- are still questioning the science behind all of this, which means they are either grossly misinformed or intellectually dishonest. It's one or the other. You can argue the right approach or the ramifications of change, but you can't argue the science anymore. You just can't. As for the general prospects for this and all other legislation, see #1.

3) Scandal, scandal, and scandal. It's one after another. And this is where the real hamster wheel effect comes in. After Halliburton, it was Tom DeLay. Then it was Valerie Plame and Scooter Libby. Then it was Walter Reed Hospital. Now it's Alberto Gonzales and the federal judges. Lather, rinse, repeat. The Democrats seem to be in an especially muckraking mood lately, rather than focusing on their much-ballyhooed agenda. But on the other hand, they wouldn't have any muck to rake if the Republicans didn't set it up on a tee for them. Over. And Over. Again.

All of this, plus the usual dispatches from the Middle East about "tough talk" this and "U.N. sanctions" that, and for the last several months I feel like I'm constantly reading the same headlines. And there's no end in sight. Things might get more interesting when the budget talks begin in earnest this spring and real dollars come into play, but I really don't know. And I realize the policy process (by design, and rightly so) is very deliberate. But come on! I'm tired of this hamster wheel. Get me off! And I mean that in a non-sexual way! I suppose!

Hyperlinks:
- Debate Over Iraq Pullout Aside, Bush Needs a War Spending Bill [Washington Post]
- Gore Implores Congress to Save Planet [Washington Post]
- Some Heated Words for Mr. Global Warming [Washington Post]
- House Panel Authorizes Subpoenas Of Officials [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Politics, Hamster Wheels, Bush, Global Warming

Chris Sligh is totally going to clean up on hymns week

2007-03-21T09:31:00.000-04:00

So it turns out that American Idol contestant Chris Sligh is a fundamentalist Christian. He even attended Bob Jones University -- you know, the school that outlawed black students until 1971, banned interracial dating until 2000, and requires students to "wear socks at all times." What about when I'm in the shower? Riddle me that, Bob.

The Lord is my homeboy. Word up.

So the point is, I guess I was wrong about Chris being "the party guy" in the college dorm. It turns out he's the acoustic-guitar-strumming proselytizing guy. Hey, man, what are you up to this weekend? Some of my friends and I are getting together for pizza and a psalm-athon. Everyone is welcome, man. We'd love for you to come down.

I thought maybe something was amiss when he sang a song called "Wanna Be Loved" by famous Christian group D.C. Talk a few weeks back. But what can I say? I just thought maybe he liked the song.

Meanwhile, Bob Jones University people are "disappointed" with the fact that he's not singing a hardcore Christian song every week. Yesterday was British invasion night, guys. What do you want from him? Just bide your time until hymns week. Then, verily I say unto you, will it truly be time to worship.

Of course, I'm not saying he's bad because of his ultra-strange, borderline cultish religious past. I'm just saying that, well, I can't think of a way to finish this sentence.

Hyperlinks:
- Idol Contestant's faith questioned [Yahoo! News]
- Bob Jones University [Wikipedia]
- Just another day in the American Idol boys dorm [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: American Idol

(photo credit: American Idol)

What's next for the Terps?

2007-03-20T09:40:00.000-04:00

So with Maryland's basketball season now over, it's time to take a look at next season. What, too soon, you say? Well, let me offer a rejoinder. In the form of a question. And that question is: Do you see any laurels around here? What do you think. Where are the laurels? Why don't I go ahead and answer for you, cowboy. And, the answer is, you don't see any laurels. Why? Because Maryland doesn't freaking HAVE any freaking laurels, you freaking grease bag! If we ever get some laurels again, we will rest on them. But until then, it's back to work, buddy. For them, of course. Not me. I'm just writing a blog post.

So with this season now in the books, we ~~purge~~ bid farewell to the final links to the shipwrecked era that was the John Gilchrist/Travis Garrison/Nik Caner-Medley rein of underacheivement. With varying degrees of wistfulness, we say good-bye now to D.J. Strawberry, Mike Jones, Ekene Ibekwe, Gini Chukura, and Parrish Brown. But I think I'll miss Will Bowers most of all. So long, Will. Good luck doing whatever it is clumsy seven-footers with questionable haircuts do after college. Dunk contest prop? Light bulb installer? Shelf things-reacher? Human tether ball pole? I don't know about you, but I'm excited to see where the future takes young Will Bowers.

But as for next season. Who are we saying hello to? Well, we need some size. Right? So here comes Alexandria-by-way-of-England power forward Shane Walker. In addition, have you ever heard of a city called Baltimore? Kind of a basketball hotbed, with a bunch of high school stars (most recently Carmelo Anthony) who hardly ever committed to Maryland? Well, we finally got some in 6-8 seemingly Lonny Baxteresque Braxton Dupree and 6-7 PF Dino Gregory. They seem a little undersized for big men, but it's still nice to see some positive developments on the Baltimore front.

DaJuan Summers doesn't want no Dino Gregory.
Get that mess out of here.

Also, are you thinking we could use a slasher? A little athleticism on the wing? Please welcome Adrian Bowie, a 6-4 penetrator from Montrose Christian. Montrose Christian is this really, really small school in Rockville, but it has had a lot of great players come out of there (some guy named Kevin Durant, etc.). But until Greivis Vasquez, no player from there had gone to Maryland since the ill-fated Exree Hipp signing in the early 1990s. Some people thought Gary Williams and the Montrose Christian coach were feuding, but if they were, they seem to have squashed it now, which is great news for both schools with Vasquez and now Bowie and potentially more blue-chippers on the way. Dare I use the word "pipeline?" Nah. Better not jinx it. But things are looking up.

(Also, here's one for your futures file: PG County high school sophomore and budding phenom Maurice Creek. He can apparently do it all, is a good kid, and is already getting interest from big schools like UConn and Syracuse. The kicker: he and his coach both badly want him to play for Maryland. No official interest yet from Maryland, although it is still very early. But this one seems gift-wrapped on a tee for the Terps. It will be extremely interesting to see what happens here.)

So add that to another year of experience for Vasquez and Eric Hayes (including the valuable juice of having made it to the tourney in their first year), plus some hopefully senior leadership out of James Gist and Bambale Osby, whose games took big strides this past season and could do so again now that they don't have to share touches with Crazy Ekene Ibekewe. More minutes for the physically gifted but seldom used SF Landon Milbourne along with not-yet-used center Jerome Burney, and the team will have a considerably different look. Will this team show the consistency and resolve that its predecessors did not? Will they build on this season's tourney run? Will they acquire some laurels? Only TIME......will tell. Goterps.

Hyperlinks:
- Shane Walker profile [Scout.com]
- Player Spotlight: Braxton Dupree profile [PressBoxOnline]
- Bowie, Terps a perfect fit [Scout.com]
- Key assist [Baltimore Sun]
- Dino Gregory profile [Rivals.com]
- Burney Finds Another ACC Home [Scout.com]
- Interest Booming for Creek [Scout.com]
- Landon Milbourne profile [UMTerps.com]

Technorati tags: Goterps, Maryland basketball, college basketball

(photo credit: The Baltimore Sun)

Worst March Madness weekend ever

2007-03-19T09:31:00.000-04:00

First of all, I would like to thank my lovely wife for writing that post for me on Thursday or Friday or whatever it was. Usually, I spend my March Madness/St. Patrick's Day weekend the way it is supposed to be spent: shuttling back and forth between bars and couches in a beery haze. But for this one, I ended up in sunny Los Angeles for a professional conference. It's so thoughtful of them to schedule something over the weekend. You know - so my work week is not disrupted! It's like a gift.

Go Bruins. Oh, and Tupac is now the best rapper.
You ain't got no love for Death Row? And the West?

The upshot of all this is that my access to the Internet, the games, free time, and alcohol were all severely limited. The destination could have been worse - A LOT worse. But nevertheless, I think I now know how those people in those third-world countries feel. And the answer is, they feel VERY similar to the way I feel right now. All right.

With that said, I still had a chance to watch some games and collect some thoughts that I will now regurgitate in bullet-style fashion. Without further ado:

Same old Terps. They did a nice if uninspiring job against Davidson, but couldn't execute when it really mattered against a more poised Butler squad. That ball bouncing impotently off of Mike Jones' hands with 0.5 seconds left summed up the entire last three seasons for me. They had some unlucky breaks, and I won't forget their awesome run to get into the tourney, and this team was definitely better than last year's. But what can I say -- it's time to turn the page.

This year's tourney featured my and my wife's alma mater (Maryland), my dad's alma mater (Virginia Tech) my sister's alma mater (the exciting VCU) and my brother's current school (Old Dominion), plus a school in a town we all lived in for several years growing up (Texas A&M). (My mother went to Radford, so she doesn't count.) I thought that warranted mentioning.

The ACC did a great job of representing itself in this year's tournament. And by "representing," I mean "puking on."

Texas A&M is nails. Not much more to say about Acie Law, but Dominque Kirk is nice, too. He's the kind of player Maryland could use. Smooth, but not soft. Repeat that with me, Gary Williams. Smooth, but not soft. Smooth, but NOT SOFT. Back, and to the left.

Being on the West Coast, I had a chance to watch a lot more UCLA this weekend than I did during the regular season back East. And they're a much better team than I thought. Afflalo and Mbah a Whatevere Yinka Dare are both very strong players. I hate it when some basketball apologist says a low-scoring crap fest was a "defensive battle," but that Indiana-Bruin game really was a great one. I'm glad I have them going to the Elite Eight in my bracket, losing to my predicted champion Kansas.

Speaking of brackets, I'm actually in pretty decent shape. Of course, all my teams will lose now that I say that, but it's still nice. I predicted Vandy's Sweet 16 berth, and came within three points of correctly predicting a similar run for VCU. My final four is Kansas, Ohio State, Florida, and Georgetown, with the Jayhawks edging the Buckeyes for the title.

All right. Well, it's good to be back in a normal place, where I can once again plot my day on a normal time zone and dissect the Valerie Plame testimony like a normal person. Good day to you.

Hyperlinks:
- Mike Wise: Big Opportunity Wasted [Washington Post]
- Long Arm of the Law Carries Texas A&M [Houston Chronicle]
- Close, No Scars for Bruins [L.A. Times]

Technorati tags: March Madness, Business trips, UCLA, West Coast, Maryland basketball

Radio Silence

2007-03-16T10:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader,

I regret to inform you that "No One Appreciates Me. At All." will be on unexpected hiatus until Monday, March 19.

MSH was under the impression that internet access would be made available to him while on business travel in LA - but such was not the case. Unfortunate, considering that he lugged a borrowed laptop across the country for that express purpose - but sometimes these things happen. Especially to him. Only to him, really. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why he was surprised...he should be used to this by now.

Who would have thought the largest city in California (considered to be a world center of technology) would be unable to provide simple internet access to its business travelers? It seems absurd. Such is a day in the life of "No One Appreciates Me. At All."

Stay tuned for the next installment of "NOAMAA" on Monday, March 19 - when MSH returns with rousing insight and mind blowing creative wit.

Until then, have a great weekend...happy St. Patty's day...and goterps!

Welcome Back to "That's Not A Word!"

2007-03-14T09:41:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, thank you very much. Thank you. Stop it! That's enough! Oh my goodness! Please, sit down! Ahhhh, yes.

Thank you so much for that warm welcome. And now I'd like to welcome YOU back to another episode of "That's Not A Word!" Today's contestant is none other than famous American Idol judge Diana Ross. She did some musical stuff, but it most likely happened before you were born, meaning it has no bearing today! So we'll just move on. Okay, terrific.

Very funny with the Elvira image here. Now post the real
Diana Ross photo, thanks.

Diana, on last night's episode, you told Idol finalist Gina Glocksen, who was singing a rendition of one of your old (and thus titularly unimportant) songs, to be sure and "pronunciate" each syllable. Perhaps just a slip of the tongue? Perhaps you simply meant "enunciate" and misspoke? But no. You repeated the phrase. "Pronunciate everything," you tell Gina, who, for her part, nods enthusiastically. So congratulations, Dirty Diana, THAT'S NOT A WORD!

Excellent, Diana, just excellent. You're our big winner! And what shall be your prize? As a way of helping you to clearly and properly "enunciate" each and every one of your own words as you go about your day-to-day business -- the lyrics of your life, if I may be so bold -- we've arranged for you to take auctioneering classes from the Auctioneers Training Center! From farm and merchandise sales proceedings to developing and enhancing your own distinctive auctioneering chant, the Auctioneers Training Center has the tools and resources to make you the best enunciator you can be. So have fun, Diana, and best of luck. And we'll see YOU next time on "That's Not A Word!"

Hyperlinks:
- American Idol [Washington Post]
- Auctioneers Training Center
- Previous Episode of That's Not A Word [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: American Idol, That's Not A Word

Disney loves families, just not that kind of family

2007-03-13T09:41:00.000-04:00

Okay, this will probably be my last non-basketball post until Maryland ends its tourney run, so I thought I'd try to make it at least somewhat interesting. There is a proposal to build 1,500 condos for low-to-middle-income people near the entrance to Disneyland. Many of the condos could be used as housing for the many Disneyland employees who can't afford to live in the immediate area and must commute long distances. Disneyland is suing to stop the project.

So long, sailor! You heard me! Stay the fuck out, hee hee hee!

A Disney official called it "a very dangerous precedent, because once you allow one residential development in, where does it stop? We will do all we can to protect the value of the resort area." Well, you know what? I agree. Because, you let these people into the neighborhood, and next thing you know, they're setting up a freakin bodega inside Cinderella's castle. People are sleeping inside the tea cups. There's little poor kids running around outside the front gate trying to sell the customers Chiclets or whatever. I mean, they'll be washing their clothes in the It's A Small World river. That's a little too small of a world if you ask me. Seriously. You give these people an inch, and they take a mile. Keeping them poor, displaced, and disgruntled is the best situation for everybody. Trust me.

Overall, it's just nice to see someone take a stand. So kudos, Disney. Kudos. You have a certain level of class to maintain. Am I right? So fire up the Dumbo Flier and let's get 'er done! I drove all the way out here from the Ozarks and the babies is getting restless!

Hyperlink:
- Disney not enchanted by plan to build condos by theme park [San Jose Mercury News]

Technorati tags: Disney, Underdogs

Let's break down the Davidson Wildcats

2007-03-12T13:13:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to the Terps for earning a 4 seed and getting back to the Big Dance. It's a good day. I'm excited about the games, but do you want to hear something that sucks? I'm going to be at a work conference in L.A. from Thursday to Sunday. Yep -- just the absolute perfect amount of time for me to most likely miss all Terp action (and probably all the other action as well) as well as any and all St. Patrick's Day celebrations. Way to go, conference organizers. Hey, I've got a few days open from, like, Dec. 24 to Jan. 31. Nothing going on at the office. Why don't we set something up? Book some meeting space? You bunch of soulless banshees.

But while I nevertheless remain excited for the Terps and (for the most part) impressed by the montage-worthy late-season run that got them here, there's still some work to be done. After Davidson, who could we potentially play? I'll say right now -- I have no idea. Why? Because Davidson's enough to worry about. Have we learned any lessons about looking past ostensibly easy opponents? I sure hope so. But to help drive that point home, here's a breakdown of the Davidson Wildcats, their strengths and weaknesses, and what we can do to stop them.

The first thing you have to know about Davidson is that they are lead by dynamic freshman Stephen Curry. And this dude is no joke. He's the son of long-time NBA and Virginia Tech alumn Dell Curry, who coincidentally I used to watch in person all the time during his Hokie days. Not that that makes me feel old or anything. Anyway, he wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, but Va. Tech declined, putting him in college basketball's minor leagues. But their loss is the 29-4 Wildcats' gain, as they secured their tourney spot after Curry scored 29 points in the Southern Conference tournament finals over College of Charleston, who I seem to remember upending a certain Maryland team in the first round back in 1997. And if all of that isn't enough history for you, Lefty Driesell was the Davidson coach in the 1960s.

But the Wildcats didn't get here because they had a fortuitous run in the conference tourney. Behind 117 three-pointers from Curry, they dominated the Southern Conference all season, going 17-1 in the conference. But it's not just Curry. The team has four foreign players on their roster. And you know how hip and team-oriented and smoothly precise those foreign players are.

And while there's nary a senior of any significance on the roster, they have more recent Big Dance experience than the Terps. They were here last year, too (they lost to Ohio State in the first round. But then again, so did Maryland. Oh wait, that was the first round of the NIT. Sorry). And Davidson has a respectable RPI of 57. Not too bad.

That said, I don't want to make the Wildcats into some kind of juggernaut. Their biggest win was probably over Ohio University or Central Connecticut State, so we're not dealing with a powerhouse here. I think if the Terps really focus on Curry and get into Davidson's bench, they should have a good chance to beat them. Nevertheless, look past the Wildcats at your peril, Terps. Hopefully you won't repeat the past.

Hyperlinks:
- Happy Return is Three Years' Coming [Washington Post]
- 1997 Men's NCAA Basketball Tournament [NCAA Wiki]
- ACC's Whiff on Curry is Davidson's Gain [ESPN]
- Manhattan Holds Off Maryland For 87-84 Win [NIT.org]

Technorati tag: Goterps

Geez, you'd think American Idol voters were a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds

2007-03-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

Tough night last night on American Idol. It was the night they pared it down to the final 12. The final 12 are the ones who get the most exposure, go on the nationwide tour this summer, and basically have the best chance of getting famous as a result of the show. So it's big. And, well, it just didn't go right last night.

Haley got voted in over Sabrina, and Sanjaya got in over Sundance on the guys' side. Both of these upsets happened due to what is known as the "Simon was really mean to them, so all the seventh-grade girls voted for them to make them feel better" phenomenon. You may remember this from such pity cases as John Stevens, Kevin Covais (who I liked, but still), and the insufferable Scott Savol.

Well, at least Antonella got voted off. Now she can finally get going with her career hosting bar crawls on the Jersey Shore with Jesse Palmer and Derrick from MTV's Road Rules. Gentlemen, start your engines! If you know what I mean! Clearly, Antonella can go in many different directions here. And by "many different directions," I mean "to the netherworld of college-girl quasi-porn." Should be great.

Ah, yes. A world of possibilities exists now for Antonella...
journalist...civil engineer...basketball player...

So good-bye to her. And congratulations to everyone, blah blah blah. I can't wait to hear Sanjaya's barely audible Stevie Wonder covers and that other girl's whatever it is that she does, sing Taylor Dayne songs or whatever. Giddyup.

Hyperlinks:
- American Idol Whittled Down to 12 [San Jose Mercury News]
- Girls Gone Wild: We Want Antonella! [TMZ.com]

Technorati tags: American Idol, Antonella Barba

Terps sustain a body blow going into tourney

2007-03-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

Miami owns Maryland. That needs to be established right away. They beat us in one meeting two seasons ago, we split with them last season, and they beat us twice this year, ending the Terps ACC tourney run before it started.

It's hard to know what to make of the game. I should admit I wasn't able to watch it, which doesn't help with the making of things. But either way, Miami plays this ugly, take-the-air-out-of-the-ball style that gives Maryland fits. And the Terps fell into their classic trap -- they got cocky and put the cart before the horse. Right when everyone had just finished off a fresh batch of Kool-Aid, the team spits the bit again. In the Post earlier this morning, headstrong freshman Greivis Vasquez said the chance to get consecutive chances for revenge against Miami and Boston College was "beautiful". So he was just blatantly looking past Miami. You know, the team they've beaten ONE TIME since they joined the ACC three seasons ago. Tellingly, later in the same article, BC forward and ACC player of the year Jared Dudley says "they could lose to Miami and then what are you going to say then?" Well, nothin, Jared. We shall say nothin. Because we already done said what we was gonna say. And it was stupid. I love Vasquez's spunk, but there's a fine line between gamesmanship and recklessness, confidence and cockiness, fiery and volatile, Coke and Pepsi, etc. and etc.

With all of that said, I don't think this completely kills Maryland's momentum. They still look strong going into the tournament. That is, IF they use this as an opportunity to regroup and come out re-dedicated. Here's hoping they don't get down on themselves. They can beat anybody and they know it. It's just a matter of going about it. This is the team that the phrase "one game at a time" was invented for. We got into the big tourney, and that's great. Now, let's just put a good game together in the first round and see what happens before we start talking Final Four. Goterps.

Hyperlinks:
- Terps Bow Out Early [Washington Post]
- Terps Ride a Wave Into ACC Tourney [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Goterps Maryland Basketball ACC

Daylight Savings Time change a recipe for unmitigated disaster

2007-03-08T10:05:00.000-05:00

So this Sunday, March 11, Daylight Savings Time will begin. But this is the first time it has started this early -- in fact, several weeks earlier than in the past. And you know what? I smell trouble. With a capital T, and that rhymes with D, and that rhymes with T, and that stands for Time!

The government said they are doing this to help the nation conserve energy. And this has got to be the easiest way to do it. Rather than actually conserving actual energy, let's just fuck around with our time construct. That's not weird. No cosmic implications there. In fact, why don't we just ban darkness? We're America, fool. We can do that shit. And don't give me any more of this "saving energy" tapdance. If there was ever a more fiendish plot to methodically eradicate the world's vampire population, then I've never heard about it. And furthermore, note that the article linked above appears in Time magazine. TIME magazine?!?!? Take the blinders off, people. We can't afford to be this naive.

Yes, Vlad. Be afraid. Your extinction is close at hand.

And if this weren't all bad enough, there are reports that this is like a mini Y2K. Remember Y2K, when planes fell out of the sky and ATMs started eating people? That was awful. People said I was mad to go live in that lean-to in the woods, subsisting on grubs and tadpole water. But who's mad now, dude? HUH? Answer me. WHO'S MAD NOW?

Anyway, computers all need to get special patches now to update their internal clocks for this change, and it's already causing problems for automated appointment systems and the like. It is actually happening in my office. Like my two-o-clock? That I scheduled for next Tuesday? Is now showing up as a three-o-clock? Oh, the humanity! How am I supposed to function like this? See, this is what happens when we mess around with that which we cannot control. Like The Hands of Time. Word up.

And the final straw is, in light of all this (pun intended), I don't know why "Standard Time" is still "Standard Time." Daylight Savings Time now occupies almost eight full months of the American calendar. It should be "Time" and "Short Time." We need to simplify, man. Not complicatify. You know what, this is all too much for me. I'll be in my lean-to.

(Update: See? John Popper knows about all this, too. Stay strong, brother. Don't ever let 'em get to you.)

Hyperlinks:
- Saving Even More Daylight [Time]
- Daylight Saving Time - Saving Time, Saving Energy [California Energy Commission]

Technorati tags: Daylight savings time, Time, Conservation, Vampires, Time Bandits, Conspiracies, John Popper, Blues Traveler

Marcus Dove's stock just went up 5 million bazillion points

2007-03-07T16:25:00.000-05:00

Kevin Durant, who is an absolute force of nature in college basketball right now and is already being hyped as the potential Next Big Thing whenever he gets to the pros, had an online chat today at ESPN.com. (Read it now before it goes to Insider and you have to pay for it. Lousy money-grubbing ESPN jerks.) In the chat, Tyler from Cleburne, Texas (lovely town -- I believe it's in the middle of wine country) asked him a question:

Tyler (Cleburne Tx): Who is the best player you played against this season?

Kevin Durant: Marcus Dove from Oklahoma State is the best defender I've played against this season.

Whoa! Marcus Dove?!?! Never heard of him. I'm no basketball expert, but I know a lot of names, and haven't heard of him. I'm guessing a lot of other people hadn't either. I wonder if everyone will tout him now, with sportswriters claiming to have known about him all along and offering "you heard from ME first, ME ME ME!" takes on how "long" and "tenacious" Marcus Dove is, and how he just might be "the best kept secret in college basketball." The sky now could very well be the limit for Marcus Dove. And I, for one, would like to congratulate Marcus Dove on this lofty acheivement.

Hyperlink:
Kevin Durant Chat Wrap [ESPN]

Another day in the American Idol boys dorm

2007-03-07T09:19:00.000-05:00

I think it was some time right after last night's American Idol that I realized every single remaining male contestant reminds me of a stereotypical character from my college dorm days. Perhaps it was during the subsequent episode of House, which starred college radio god Dave Matthews (hey Ashleigh, wanna hear me play "Ants Marching" on the guitar?), that flipped the switch for me. Either way, the connection was made.

So here comes the rundown. Let's see if any of these ring the same bell for you as they do for me.

Blake Lewis: Here's the guy who's just a little too full of himself. The only reason he ever talks to you is to either borrow your toothpaste or tell you that "you need to check out my show this weekend -- and bring as many people as you can!" Eventually you break down and go to one of the shows...it's not that great and he pretends he doesn't know you. Oh, and he still listens to 311.

Sundance Head: Does this really need to be articulated? Burn-out, baby! He's got a lot of cool art in his dorm room -- and he made it all himself! -- and he's a fun guy. It's just that he truly can't remember your name. And he smells kinda funny.

Brandon Rogers: Remember the guy who always had a lot of girlfriends, but not in the romantic sense? Not gay, necessarily. Just...I don't know. And he goes home to his parents' house every single weekend.

Sanjaya Malakar: Hey, baby. Wanna dance? Middle Eastern girls are so hottttt.

Chris Richardson: He lives on your floor, but he's never there. Every now and then he'll pop up randomly with a smoking hot chick on his arm like it ain't no thang. You have nothing against him, but you don't really know where he's coming from, either. All you know is he has no trouble with the ladies, and he hasn't declared a major.

Phil Stacey: When people talk about him, there's always a trail-off. "He's a great guy, and I like him, but..." He's cool for the first couple months, and he never "changes," per se. Which is why it's so difficult to explain why you insist that every time he knocks on your door, everyone must lie flat on the floor and wait for him to leave.

Chris Sligh: A fixture at the dorm party. Fun (and funny) guy, with a good head on his shoulders. He plays the part of the cut-up, but once you get to know him he makes no attempt to hide his real talent and ambition for the future. But in the meantime, he's gonna party. Dude.

So there you have it. We'll see who makes it to the finals. But regardless, I feel like these dudes are like my bros. So I'm totally stoked for whatever, buddy. Now let's go pound some brews and play Mario Kart. Sweet.

Hyperlinks:
- Eight Men Off [Entertainment Weekly]
- American Idol: Season 6 Contestants [FOX.com]

Technorati tag: American Idol

(Photos credit: FOX.com)

Go terps! But, like, actual terps

2007-03-06T16:01:00.000-05:00

I figure I should shoehorn as many non-sports posts in here as I can before March Madness explodes and it becomes All Basketball All The Time for the next few weeks.

And yet, I have been only partially successful. For I have Terps on the brain. Which is perhaps why I gravitated to this piece on the Maryland state legislature's current attempts to outlaw harvesting of the real Maryland terrapin, whose numbers are rapidly dwindling here amid international demand on the general grounds that they's good eatin.

Help me! I am but a wee terrapin! Squaawk, or whatever sound I make.

The governor and both state houses seem to be on board with various anti-harvesting measures, which starting in May would ban the practice either permanently, or until populations rebound. (And you don't think the politicians are undertaking this to capitalize on the timing related to March Madness, do you? Naaaaaah.) Right now, Maryland is one of only four states that still allow the terrapins to be harvested. China and other countries like to make the terps into soup. (In all fairness, I hear the soup is tasty.) Apparently, in China eating turtles can help with longevity. Except for the turtle.

Hallo, shopkeep! What can you show me in some turtle
meat on a rusty hook? I'm a-gettin mighty hungry!

So here's hoping they pass a law. It would suck to have your state fail to protect its flagship university's mascot right before March Madness. That's got bad juju written all over it.

Hyperlink:
- Md. Officials Aim To Halt Harvest Of Prized Terrapins [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Goterps, Terps, Maryland Terrapins, Maryland basketball

Ann Coulter will have the roast duck, with the mango salsa

2007-03-06T09:34:00.000-05:00

As you probably know, Ann Coulter did some more wacky stuff recently. She was speaking at a conservative political conference when she referred to North Carolina Senator John Edwards as a faggot. The story is slowly picking up steam, with the usual suspects berating and defending her on the usual sides. This comes shortly after less-publicized comments she made about environmentalists, in which she said that proponents of energy efficiency "want to kill humans" and that energy-efficient refrigerators are a sign that "humankind is dying." Huh.

Anyway, what's interesting here is not whether she used the word "faggot" as an anti-gay slur, etc. It's just the sheer inappropriateness of it. She was speaking at a legitimate political convention! So in that setting, her mental filters said it was cool to use that word in mixed company? No mental red flags or anything? Maybe my own filters are too tight, but I just don't get it. What if you walked into your office and was like "what's up, faggots? What's goin on, faggot? Oh, I don't mean it like that. I'm just callin you a faggot." You wouldn't get an invitation to happy hour ever again. And we wouldn't want that.

But I think I may have the answer. Just in time, there is news that the Geico cavemen may be getting their own TV series. It's perfect. Ann could play their wacky love interest from next door! See? This is all going to work out just fine. Ann Coulter or no, I am WATCHING that freaking show.

A couple for the ages...

Hyperlinks:
- The Long Fuse on Ann Coulter's Bomb [Washington Post]
- Ann Coulter has a John Kerry Moment [Daily Kos]
- Ann Coulter Defends Edwards Comments [Fox News]
- Olbermann awarded Coulter "Worst Person" bronze for anti-environmentalist comments [Media Matters]
- Geico's Cavemen May Get Own TV Series [ABC News]

Technorati tags: Ann Coulter, Geico cavemen

Bullets get bailed out by some wackiness

2007-03-04T15:39:00.001-05:00

So the Bullets today played the Warriors at home. End of the game, Warriors up two thanks to Montae "I would be an outstanding role player on a contending team" Ellis. Three seconds left. Bullets ball. Gilbert gets it. He drives the lane, but gets the shot off after the buzzer. Ball game. Right?

But no. Refs blow the whistle WAAAAAAAY late. They call a shooting foul not only on the play that just happened, but also a technical on Warriors coach Don Nelson. To T up the coach in that situation smacks of something. (And keep in mind, I'm a Bullets fan.) What, exactly, did Nelson do to get a T in that scenario? Fuck the ref's wife? Insult his mother's cooking? It had to be beyond personal, and/or interfere with play. Since the latter didn't happen, I'll assume the former, I guess. But it was quite a leap for the average viewer, that's my point. I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying.

So long story short, the Bullets are down two and Gilbert has three free throws to make with 0.1 seconds left. Of course -- OF COURSE -- he bangs all three down like it's his job. Which it is. What? Whatever. But the point here is, the refs called not one but two fouls AFTER TIME HAD EXPIRED in order for the Bullets to win this game. I'm not saying I'm not grateful. Because I am. But still. That's some garbage. Sorry, Warriors. Get a real All-Star and maybe you would have won this one. Until then, see you in the lottery drawing.

Hyperlink:
- Healthier Lineup Allows Wizards To Breathe Easier [Washington Post]

Terrapins...ROLLING

2007-03-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

There was a trying stretch there in the second half, but the Terps were able to overcome it with flying colors and beat N.C. State going away, 79-59. For the six seniors who were honored yesterday, it was a storybook finish.

Ladies and gentlemen....going into March....YOUR Maryland Terrapins...

I'm not sure what else there is to say that hasn't already been said. This team is just absolutely firing on all cylinders right now. I just hope they can keep it going.

Did you see Mike Jones? All of a sudden, he is un-freaking-stoppable. Where was he last year? He can score on any defender in the country right now. When he is on. Seriously. I would defy you to name a defender who could handle him inside and out. I'm waiting...final Jeopardy...okay. That's what I thought. So if he can keep that up, and they can get solid contributions from Strawberry, Vasquez and Gist, they will continue to be the runaway freight train that they currently are. Who's hotter right now in college basketball? Maybe Ohio State. Maybe Vanderbilt. And that's the list. It's a dicey list. Maybe some superfan will have a better answer (and let me know if I'm missing someone) but generally I think the Terps are on their own plain right now. I just hope they keep it up.

Goterps.

Hyperlinks:
- Seniors Cap Stretch Run With Rout [Washington Post]
- Fourth Year's the Charm [Washington Post]

Technorati tags:Goterps Maryland Basketball ACC

ESPN shifts principle coverage focus to ESPN

2007-03-02T09:30:00.000-05:00

ESPN announced recently that they were "going in another direction" with the focus of their network. Long regarded as the top cable destination for sports programming, the channel will now officially shift its format to focus almost entirely on ESPN and other matters related to itself.

Surrender all conscious thought to ESPN...
and its licensed subsidiaries...

While it has been moving this way for some time, ESPN officially rolled out the new format on the March 2 SportsCenter, which included two of its newly formatted "news items." One announced the return of Bill Parcells to ESPN as a football commentator, and another reported an exciting new contract renewal that will allow ESPN to continue to broadcast USGA golf events through 2014. This is in addition to copious coverage and advertisement for the Arena Football League and NASCAR, both of which ESPN will broadcast for the first time this year.

The new format is null and void in relation to negative network matters, such as the terminations of popular personalities Harold Reynolds and Jason Whitlock, the abject failure of such programs as Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith and ESPN Mobile, or ongoing business dust-ups, such as its broadcast dispute with the Chinese government.

ESPN officials had no comment, citing the negative aspects of ESPN mentioned earlier in this report, although one was heard to call a certain blogger "a fucking jerk," vowing to "get [the blogger]! Read my lips, chump! You'll pay!"

ESPN reportedly plans to rename flagship program SportsCenter, with new name finalists including "ESPNCenter," "ESPNESPN," "ESPN is The Only Brand You Will Respond To And You Will Do So Like The Dirty Dog That You Are," and "You Will Take What We Give You And Like It You Wretched Fucking Peon."

Hyperlinks:
- Parcells Rejoins ESPN as football studio analyst [ESPN]
- ESPN Will Show U.S. Open, Other USGA Events [ESPN]
- Answers few in Reynolds' case vs. ESPN [Orlando Sentinel]
- Jason Whitlock Leaves ESPN With Guns Ablaze [Deadspin]
- Smith's 'Quite Frankly' is canceled by ESPN [Philadelphia Inquirer]
- ESPN Mobile Failure [SearchView]
- Disney unaware of ESPN China licensing issues [Forbes]

Technorati tags: ESPN

No One Appreciates Me. At All.

Longer hiatus needed

This just in: Bush Defends ______, Calls Critics ______

On Hiatus

Recap of The Office: The Job, parts 1 and 2

I think I might hate the San Antonio Spurs

Update: Baby drop box stumbles a teensy bit out of the gate

Melinda Doolittle? Your journey ends here tonight.

News Flash: Twinkies may contain weird ingredients

Think of all the money they'll save on trash bags

Recap of The Office: "Beach Games"

If I was 12 or retarded, I totally would have voted for Lakisha

Survey with Ann Curry reveals that everything is great, just great

Satan inches ahead of Bush in approval ratings

The tale of Ganjaya

Recap of The Office: "Women's Appreciation"

Why must homeless people drink Alize?

Jon Bon Jovi shows Idol contestants how to rock...for the first time

Kevin Mitchell dies, Snyder displays emotion in news release form

Moss whines way to Patriots, Raiders await germination of magic beanstalk

Recap of The Office: "Product Recall"

The NBA playoffs are snoozy

Tales of Poetic Justice, featuring Joe Francis

Former Terp Chris McCray doing gee-golly super job on North Dakota D-league team

Titans of Infotainment confirm early cycles of End Times

No post today

Sanjaya kicked off Idol. What will I do without my favorite girl?

Nationals full of something. Dare I call it pluck?

All right, what else is on TV?

Can't blog today

Dana, you're doing a heckuva job

Virginia Tech

Bulls de-pants, wet-willy hobbled Wizards

Has anyone ever heard of a Don Imus?

Recap of The Office: "Safety Training"

Kurt Vonnegut was a damn good author

Buh-bye, Haley

Dear Haley Scarnato: please flounce away now

Wizards in playoffs, Jarvis Hayes not very good

Welcome Back to "That's Not A Word!"

Oh, now witnesses have to "show up in court" for you?

I always cry at The Masters

Ahmadinejad: British sailors had Sony guts!

Recap of The Office: "The Negotiation"

The last one out of Verizon Center, please turn off the lights

I'm putting cherry blossom tourists on my notice board

Sanjaya Malakar: this little lady's got all the right moves!

I've a good feeling about this Washington Nationals franchise

Wiccans and Communists 1, Common Sense 0

Redskins eat own young

I just don't have the heart to write the "Palestinians Up Shit's Creek" headline

Wait, did Congress just do something?

The Miller Lite Smithsonian Institution expresses regret over Small's departure

In lieu of office pools, next year I'm going to directly flush my money down the commode

At the changing of the seasons

The notion of accuracy gives me seizures!

It's Groundhog Day in Washington

Chris Sligh is totally going to clean up on hymns week

What's next for the Terps?

Worst March Madness weekend ever

Radio Silence

Welcome Back to "That's Not A Word!"

Disney loves families, just not that kind of family

Let's break down the Davidson Wildcats

Geez, you'd think American Idol voters were a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds

Terps sustain a body blow going into tourney

Daylight Savings Time change a recipe for unmitigated disaster

Marcus Dove's stock just went up 5 million bazillion points

Another day in the American Idol boys dorm

Go terps! But, like, actual terps

Ann Coulter will have the roast duck, with the mango salsa

Bullets get bailed out by some wackiness

Terrapins...ROLLING

ESPN shifts principle coverage focus to ESPN

This just in: Bush Defends , Calls Critics