Just my luck for my job to make this one of my busiest work weeks in recent memory. The very same week that Washington, D.C. seems to be falling apart at the seams, and I don't have any freaking time to blog about it. Well, screw deadlines. I'm blogging.
On the sports front, the Redskins have completely and totally folded up the tent for this season. Brunell is benched for the young kid (and, reportedly, cries on the bus after the post-game interviews) and Portis is shut down for the season. I smell a fun home stretch this year, don't you? Remember the scene in the second Austin Powers movie, where Will Ferrell's character gets in a horrible flaming car wreck and is lying at the bottom of the cliff shouting up things like "Please help me! I am very, badly, burned!! For God's sake, I am in excrutiating pain!" and "These wounds are beginning to smell like almonds! Oh my God, that's a sign of gangrene!" But no matter how they shoot him and what not, he just will not or cannot die? Well, that's the rest of this season for the Redskins. They are very badly burned, and reeking of almonds, but they can't die just yet. Move over, Oakland and Arizona. Hope there's room at the bottom of the shit heap.
Perhaps even more interesting than the Redskins, however, is the astonishing 15 seconds House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went before causing a rift in her own party. After pledging to lead The Cleanest Congress Ever and gamely mending fences with the president, she goes and nominates anti-war loudmouth and ethics violator (it was minor and it was early in his career, but still) John Murtha as her second-in-command in the House. She endorses him over Maryland's own Steny Hoyer, who was in line for that position, but has had pissing contests with Pelosi in the past. So rather than squash it, Pelosi kept pissing. Boy, that Era of Good Feelings didn't last.
And today, House Dems gave her the big middle finger when they voted for Hoyer despite Pelosi's endorsement to the contrary. But in a weird way, this could actually help Pelosi down the line. Hoyer is a moderate who is well-liked in both parties, and could do a great job of building bridges and bringing more moderate Democrats (the kind of Democrats who, you know, won control of Congress for their party) into the fold. As always, only time....will tell. But it's intersting stuff going down. At least, so I'm told by people who have time to surf the Internet.
Hyperlinks:
- Democrats Elect Hoyer as New Majority Leader [Washington Post]
- Novak: Pelosi's First Mistake [Washington Post]
- Steny Hoyer vs. Nancy Pelosi [The New Republic]
- Bush, Dems promise cooperation [CNN.com]
- Dems Pledge to Sever Ties with Lobbyists [Washington Post]
- Murtha and the FBI: The Director's Cut [American Spectator]
Hyperlinks: Washington, D.C., Washington, Redskins, Politics, Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
What did I tell you? Iran nuclear program has Sony guts! Sony guts!
I posted basically this same joke before...but I'm posting it again, basically for my own amusement since no one else seems to get the reference (it's basically that Iranian president and nuclear brinksman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad looks like a used radio salesman. Ah, never mind.)
Hyperlinks:
- Iran: Nuclear program will be operating by February [CNN.com]
- Ahmadinejad: Nuke program has Sony guts! [No One Appreciates Me...seriously]
Technorati tags: Iran, humor, Saturday Night Live, Tom Hanks
Monday, November 13, 2006
With Portis out at least a month, Redskins sign Curtis Martin, Jim Brown, Michael Jordan
After receiving the news that running back Clinton Portis will miss at least one month and possibly the entire season after breaking a bone in his hand during Sunday's lopsided loss at Philadelphia, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder moved quickly. This morning, the Redskins signed Jets rusher Curtis Martin, football icon Jim Brown, and former Chicago Bulls great Michael Jordan to long-term contracts.
(l-r) Snyder, Cerrato, and Redskins
coach Joe Gibbs announce their big, big news.
Contract specifics were not immediately known, but team sources indicated the Redskins parted with up to 10 future first-round draft picks, and will make the trio the highest-paid backfield in league history. The group joins Ladell Betts, Rock Cartwright, Mike Sellers, and T.J. Duckett on the team's already deep running back core.
In a rare news conference, Snyder called the signings "a milestone for Redskins fans."
"We have one goal here," Snyder said. "Well, two goals actually. First, we want to win a Super Bowl. And secondly, we want to make money. Lots and lots of money. These three legendary players are sure to accomplish both in short order."
Brown, 70, has not played a down of competitive football since his retirement in 1966.
"Jim Brown is an absolute giant in his sport," Snyder said. "I asked [Owner lackey] Vinny [Cerrato] if Jim was available. Vinny said he was, and to me, it was a no-brainer. I told Vinny, 'let's do what it takes to go out and get him in a Redskins uniform.'"
When asked if the decision to sign Martin, who will miss the season and could retire due to chronic knee injuries, was somewhat short-sighted, Snyder grew testy.
"Let me turn the tables for just a moment, and ask you a question," Snyder said. "How much money do you make?"
When the reporter responded that he did not see how that was relevant, Snyder persisted.
"Seriously. How much? I know you people don't make that much. I'll be generous and say $50,000 a year. Well, the Redskins -- which I own -- are worth more than $1 billion. That is my worth. See this fingernail? I'm going to bite it off. One second. Okay, see it on the floor now? That's a $50,000 fingernail, easy. So basically, that's you. I literally just chewed you up and spit you out. So maybe we should think twice before we decide to wear the Daddy Pants, okay?
"Sure, all my pants are in boys sizes, but they're big metaphorically, dick."
It is unclear how Jordan, a former basketball player, fits into the Redskins' plans.
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder knows
Michael Jordan from the TV.
"He's one of the best to ever play the game," Snyder said with an incredulous chortle. "I'm sure we'll find a way to work him in. Look, I don't know what kind of rock you all have been living under, but hello? Michael Jordan? Ever heard of him? Is he or is he not a famous athlete that everyone has seen on TV a million times?"
"Yes," muttered some of the reporters.
"I can't hear you!" said Snyder.
"Yes!"
"Thank you. Next question please. Jesus, you guys are nuts!"
The loss of Portis could affect the team's usual season plan, in which they go on a too-little, too-late winning streak after being virtually eliminated from the playoffs so that they can continue to string fans along and charge league-high prices.
"We're going to turn this team around," Snyder said. "Because if we don't, how do we justify $8,000 season tickets, $12 hot dogs, and $20 beers? Answer: we can't. I think the signings we've made today mark a new era in Redskins football. I wanted to put my stamp on this franchise, and I think I have accomplished that."
Hyperlinks:
- Redskins Picked Apart [Washington Post]
- Portis breaks bone in hand [Washington Post]
- Jets' Curtis Martin will miss season [Yahoo! News]
- The $1 Billion Team [Forbes]
Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington Redskins
(l-r) Snyder, Cerrato, and Redskins
coach Joe Gibbs announce their big, big news.
Contract specifics were not immediately known, but team sources indicated the Redskins parted with up to 10 future first-round draft picks, and will make the trio the highest-paid backfield in league history. The group joins Ladell Betts, Rock Cartwright, Mike Sellers, and T.J. Duckett on the team's already deep running back core.
In a rare news conference, Snyder called the signings "a milestone for Redskins fans."
"We have one goal here," Snyder said. "Well, two goals actually. First, we want to win a Super Bowl. And secondly, we want to make money. Lots and lots of money. These three legendary players are sure to accomplish both in short order."
Brown, 70, has not played a down of competitive football since his retirement in 1966.
"Jim Brown is an absolute giant in his sport," Snyder said. "I asked [Owner lackey] Vinny [Cerrato] if Jim was available. Vinny said he was, and to me, it was a no-brainer. I told Vinny, 'let's do what it takes to go out and get him in a Redskins uniform.'"
When asked if the decision to sign Martin, who will miss the season and could retire due to chronic knee injuries, was somewhat short-sighted, Snyder grew testy.
"Let me turn the tables for just a moment, and ask you a question," Snyder said. "How much money do you make?"
When the reporter responded that he did not see how that was relevant, Snyder persisted.
"Seriously. How much? I know you people don't make that much. I'll be generous and say $50,000 a year. Well, the Redskins -- which I own -- are worth more than $1 billion. That is my worth. See this fingernail? I'm going to bite it off. One second. Okay, see it on the floor now? That's a $50,000 fingernail, easy. So basically, that's you. I literally just chewed you up and spit you out. So maybe we should think twice before we decide to wear the Daddy Pants, okay?
"Sure, all my pants are in boys sizes, but they're big metaphorically, dick."
It is unclear how Jordan, a former basketball player, fits into the Redskins' plans.
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder knows
Michael Jordan from the TV.
"He's one of the best to ever play the game," Snyder said with an incredulous chortle. "I'm sure we'll find a way to work him in. Look, I don't know what kind of rock you all have been living under, but hello? Michael Jordan? Ever heard of him? Is he or is he not a famous athlete that everyone has seen on TV a million times?"
"Yes," muttered some of the reporters.
"I can't hear you!" said Snyder.
"Yes!"
"Thank you. Next question please. Jesus, you guys are nuts!"
The loss of Portis could affect the team's usual season plan, in which they go on a too-little, too-late winning streak after being virtually eliminated from the playoffs so that they can continue to string fans along and charge league-high prices.
"We're going to turn this team around," Snyder said. "Because if we don't, how do we justify $8,000 season tickets, $12 hot dogs, and $20 beers? Answer: we can't. I think the signings we've made today mark a new era in Redskins football. I wanted to put my stamp on this franchise, and I think I have accomplished that."
Hyperlinks:
- Redskins Picked Apart [Washington Post]
- Portis breaks bone in hand [Washington Post]
- Jets' Curtis Martin will miss season [Yahoo! News]
- The $1 Billion Team [Forbes]
Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington Redskins
Friday, November 10, 2006
Go Terps!
As curmudgeonly as I can sometimes be vis a vis my sports team allegiances and their various records and performances, I have to admit that my University of Maryland Terrapins are on a bit of a mini-roll right now. Football team on a somewhat unexpected roll and welcoming a tragedy-ravaged Miami Hurricane squad to Byrd Stadium tomorrow (not that their tragedy is something worth celebrating, but they agreed to play, so we've got to play to win). Also, the women's hoops team is starting the season ranked #1, and people are talking about a repeat and beyond. Huzzah.
But of course, anyone who knows me even slightly knows that my favorite Maryland team - my favorite sports team, in fact - is the Terps men's basketball team. And they've gotten the regular season off right, with a win against Hampton and then a second victory Wednesday night over a poised and scrappy (if entirely untalented offensively) Vermont team in the second round of the 2K Sports College Hoops Classic benefiting Coaches vs. Cancer. So far, I have to say that I'm impressed. So far.
This year, the team belongs to seniors Ekene Ibekwe, Mike Jones, and most of all if Wed. night was any indication, to D.J. Strawberry. Gone are the shaky, joyless Terrapins of last year. Gone is the poisoned well that John Gilchrist left behind to pursue all that NBA money (and how's that working out for you, John? Go Hapoel Ironi Nahariya!). Gone is that soft and rudderless mishmash of directionless Nik Caner-Medley spin moves and Travis Garrison unguarded double dribble violations. I feel like the team received a big-time enema with the departures of last year's seniors. And it's a big year for the Terps - six seniors this year, meaning it will be an entirely new team next year for all intents and purposes. Getting back to the tourney this year will give the program some much-need momentum, but if they stay out for a third consecutive year, they will truly be flat-footed and in full rebuilding mode next season. So to me, this season is absolutely pivotal for the future. But hey if this early-season - and I know it's still very, VERRRRRRY early - is any indication, the team is playing like it.
First of all, the players are actually talking to each other on the floor. So that's something kinda new and fun. They're hustling after balls. They look more confident than last year. More mature. They're good, and they know it, and they're going to stay in your face. They're not going to shrink from the limelight this year (it appears). No more shrinking violets or schoolyard bullies here. Even if the Vermont win is the high point of the season, this team is going to be fun to watch. Thank the great good Lord.
But it's not just the new old guys who have this team looking good in their first two games that count (I'm throwing out those shaky exhibition performances). Freshman Greivis Vasquez exuded natural basketball intelligence and spirit against the Catamounts, and freshman point guard looked solid, if relatively unspectacular. But to me, the real revelation was junior transfer forward Bambale Osby. This guy is a one-man rotation solidifier, let me tell you. When I saw him handle the ball for the first time, he caught an entry pass with his back to the basket, turned, and dropped in a nice little hook shot. It's great to finally see a Maryland low-post player who has an actual low-post move. I think my jaw hit the floor. Later in the game, Osby corralled a rebound, and in the same beat turned and fired a beautiful one-bounce outlet pass perfectly in stride to Strawberry for an and-one layup. It was nice. Plus, the guy is ripped. You can't overstate the psychological edge - concious or not - of having someone on your team who can take out the garbage if need be. So big ups to Bambale (pronounced "bum-BALL-ee"). I see him as a great spark plug for us.
But that's not to say there aren't problems. No one on the team except Jones can hit a mid-range jump shot, all our bigs seem to get in foul trouble, defense and turnovers are still question marks, and Ibekwe simply has to learn that he shouldn't shoot when he is more than five feet from the basket. Are you reading, Ekene? If you can't dunk it, pass!
But having said that, this year's Terps have one final ace in the hole. They are picked to finished seventh in the ACC preseason poll. Why is that good? Because the Terps have traditionally made for much better underdogs than alpha dogs. They seem to bunch up under pressure. But when no one expects much of them, they play fast, loose, free, and fun. In other words, they play Maryland Basketball. They overacheive when the chips are down, and the underacheive when the chips are up. You figure it out.
In any case, I know there are plenty of tests left to go. The ACC is once again stacked this year (although someone could probably make the case that it's a little top-heavy and not quite as thoroughly stacked as in other years, like two years ago when Carolina won it all and there were the Chris Paul Deacons, Julius Hodge Wolfpack, Jarret Jack/Will Bynum Yellowjackets, Redick/Deng Blue Devils, and spoilers like Clemson and Va. Tech), and the Terps will probably face a tough test in Texas or Michigan State at the end of the current CVC Classic. But coming right out of the gate, this team looks good. Of course, I said that last year. But what can I say. The Maryland hoops team is the one sport I allow myself to be optimistic about. Goterps!
Hyperlinks:
- Hurricanes Take Field After Player's Slaying [Washington Post]
- A Dynasty in the Making? [Washington Post]
- Terrapins' Young Guards Get Straight to the Point [Washington Post]
- Tar Heels Favored in 2006-07 ACC Media Preseason Poll
[TheACC.com]
Technorati tags: Maryland, Maryland basketball, Terps
But of course, anyone who knows me even slightly knows that my favorite Maryland team - my favorite sports team, in fact - is the Terps men's basketball team. And they've gotten the regular season off right, with a win against Hampton and then a second victory Wednesday night over a poised and scrappy (if entirely untalented offensively) Vermont team in the second round of the 2K Sports College Hoops Classic benefiting Coaches vs. Cancer. So far, I have to say that I'm impressed. So far.
This year, the team belongs to seniors Ekene Ibekwe, Mike Jones, and most of all if Wed. night was any indication, to D.J. Strawberry. Gone are the shaky, joyless Terrapins of last year. Gone is the poisoned well that John Gilchrist left behind to pursue all that NBA money (and how's that working out for you, John? Go Hapoel Ironi Nahariya!). Gone is that soft and rudderless mishmash of directionless Nik Caner-Medley spin moves and Travis Garrison unguarded double dribble violations. I feel like the team received a big-time enema with the departures of last year's seniors. And it's a big year for the Terps - six seniors this year, meaning it will be an entirely new team next year for all intents and purposes. Getting back to the tourney this year will give the program some much-need momentum, but if they stay out for a third consecutive year, they will truly be flat-footed and in full rebuilding mode next season. So to me, this season is absolutely pivotal for the future. But hey if this early-season - and I know it's still very, VERRRRRRY early - is any indication, the team is playing like it.
First of all, the players are actually talking to each other on the floor. So that's something kinda new and fun. They're hustling after balls. They look more confident than last year. More mature. They're good, and they know it, and they're going to stay in your face. They're not going to shrink from the limelight this year (it appears). No more shrinking violets or schoolyard bullies here. Even if the Vermont win is the high point of the season, this team is going to be fun to watch. Thank the great good Lord.
But it's not just the new old guys who have this team looking good in their first two games that count (I'm throwing out those shaky exhibition performances). Freshman Greivis Vasquez exuded natural basketball intelligence and spirit against the Catamounts, and freshman point guard looked solid, if relatively unspectacular. But to me, the real revelation was junior transfer forward Bambale Osby. This guy is a one-man rotation solidifier, let me tell you. When I saw him handle the ball for the first time, he caught an entry pass with his back to the basket, turned, and dropped in a nice little hook shot. It's great to finally see a Maryland low-post player who has an actual low-post move. I think my jaw hit the floor. Later in the game, Osby corralled a rebound, and in the same beat turned and fired a beautiful one-bounce outlet pass perfectly in stride to Strawberry for an and-one layup. It was nice. Plus, the guy is ripped. You can't overstate the psychological edge - concious or not - of having someone on your team who can take out the garbage if need be. So big ups to Bambale (pronounced "bum-BALL-ee"). I see him as a great spark plug for us.
But that's not to say there aren't problems. No one on the team except Jones can hit a mid-range jump shot, all our bigs seem to get in foul trouble, defense and turnovers are still question marks, and Ibekwe simply has to learn that he shouldn't shoot when he is more than five feet from the basket. Are you reading, Ekene? If you can't dunk it, pass!
But having said that, this year's Terps have one final ace in the hole. They are picked to finished seventh in the ACC preseason poll. Why is that good? Because the Terps have traditionally made for much better underdogs than alpha dogs. They seem to bunch up under pressure. But when no one expects much of them, they play fast, loose, free, and fun. In other words, they play Maryland Basketball. They overacheive when the chips are down, and the underacheive when the chips are up. You figure it out.
In any case, I know there are plenty of tests left to go. The ACC is once again stacked this year (although someone could probably make the case that it's a little top-heavy and not quite as thoroughly stacked as in other years, like two years ago when Carolina won it all and there were the Chris Paul Deacons, Julius Hodge Wolfpack, Jarret Jack/Will Bynum Yellowjackets, Redick/Deng Blue Devils, and spoilers like Clemson and Va. Tech), and the Terps will probably face a tough test in Texas or Michigan State at the end of the current CVC Classic. But coming right out of the gate, this team looks good. Of course, I said that last year. But what can I say. The Maryland hoops team is the one sport I allow myself to be optimistic about. Goterps!
Hyperlinks:
- Hurricanes Take Field After Player's Slaying [Washington Post]
- A Dynasty in the Making? [Washington Post]
- Terrapins' Young Guards Get Straight to the Point [Washington Post]
- Tar Heels Favored in 2006-07 ACC Media Preseason Poll
[TheACC.com]
Technorati tags: Maryland, Maryland basketball, Terps
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Bush: The American people have spoken. We will stay the course.
First of all, I would be remiss if I didn't give the Democrat party their just desserts. Congratulations, Democrat party. Enjoy your little day in the sun.
But when it's over -- and I hate to break up your little California love-in here -- you'll realize what the American people have truly mandated. That we must stay the course in Iraq and at home. Stay the course. We must stay the course. And that's not me talking. That's the entire nation. Except the gay part. They are jealous of our heterosexuality. Ever notice that Nancy Pelosi is from a gay district? Hey, I'm just connecting dots here, people.
So anyway, don't give me your "but we won control of the house and potentially the Senate" or "Bush's style of leadership has been soundly rejected." This is just another test, people. All the haters have reared their jealous heads, and to them I say "bring it on."
Want to know what's REALLY happening in America? Priorities. And we'll tell you about those priorities when we're damn good and ready. Want to come to the bargaining table, Democrats? Well, don't look under the tablecloth. Because we will NOT be hiding under there.
This just boils down to public support. You're either with us, or against us. If you're with us, welcome to the winning team. Anyone against us? No? I don't hear you, la la la la la la stay the course la la la la la.
Hyperlinks:
- Democrats Take House [Washington Post]
- A Voter Rebuke for Bush, the War, and the Right [Washington Post]
But when it's over -- and I hate to break up your little California love-in here -- you'll realize what the American people have truly mandated. That we must stay the course in Iraq and at home. Stay the course. We must stay the course. And that's not me talking. That's the entire nation. Except the gay part. They are jealous of our heterosexuality. Ever notice that Nancy Pelosi is from a gay district? Hey, I'm just connecting dots here, people.
So anyway, don't give me your "but we won control of the house and potentially the Senate" or "Bush's style of leadership has been soundly rejected." This is just another test, people. All the haters have reared their jealous heads, and to them I say "bring it on."
Want to know what's REALLY happening in America? Priorities. And we'll tell you about those priorities when we're damn good and ready. Want to come to the bargaining table, Democrats? Well, don't look under the tablecloth. Because we will NOT be hiding under there.
This just boils down to public support. You're either with us, or against us. If you're with us, welcome to the winning team. Anyone against us? No? I don't hear you, la la la la la la stay the course la la la la la.
Hyperlinks:
- Democrats Take House [Washington Post]
- A Voter Rebuke for Bush, the War, and the Right [Washington Post]
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Etan Thomas, Brendon Haywood set record for wussiest fight ever between two NBA centers
Well, the cat is out of the bag. And boy is the fur flying! Dreadlocked slam poet and new Wizards starting center Etan Thomas is a little less dreadlocked today after getting in a fight with Brendan Haywood, the new Wizards benchwarming center and reining NBA's Softest Man. This is the duo's second time trading slaps and taunting finger wags. The team was trying to keep this one private, but it's out in the open now. Meow, boys!
You're lucky they was holdin me back, Etan. Ya hurd?
Apparently, this whole thing got started when Haywood's agent said the decision to bench his client and start Thomas was completely personal, and had nothing to do with basketball abilities (such as, for example, Haywood's tendency to break down crying when the lane gets too clogged). Well, Thomas wasn't gonna have that, girlfriend. So he reacted in the best way he knows how - he left a scathing freeverse poem in Haywood's locker.
The next morning, Haywood was all like "that rhyming couplet in the third stanza was totally forced, dog." And Thomas was like "I'd like to see you come up with a decent rhyme for 'Philistine'," and Haywood, who is much tougher when he's fighting teammates and knows the coaches are close by to break up the fight, was like "and don't be callin me no Philistine no more." And that's when Thomas punched him. Haywood then body-slammed Thomas to the ground, ripping out two dreadlocks (really) in the process. No word on the number of fingernails broken or perfectly good pairs of hose ruined in the fracas.
Now, there are rumors that Haywood wants to be traded. And I say, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Bigs are rare, true, but Thomas has played well so far in this admittedly early season, and if we can get something in return for Haywood, Ernie Grunfeld should absolutey pull the trigger. After all, I hear the Comets could use a big...here's hoping they return the Wizards' calls.
Hyperlink:
- Centers Thomas, Haywood Reportedly in Recent Fight [Washington Post]
Technorati tags: Wizards, basketball, humor
You're lucky they was holdin me back, Etan. Ya hurd?
Apparently, this whole thing got started when Haywood's agent said the decision to bench his client and start Thomas was completely personal, and had nothing to do with basketball abilities (such as, for example, Haywood's tendency to break down crying when the lane gets too clogged). Well, Thomas wasn't gonna have that, girlfriend. So he reacted in the best way he knows how - he left a scathing freeverse poem in Haywood's locker.
The next morning, Haywood was all like "that rhyming couplet in the third stanza was totally forced, dog." And Thomas was like "I'd like to see you come up with a decent rhyme for 'Philistine'," and Haywood, who is much tougher when he's fighting teammates and knows the coaches are close by to break up the fight, was like "and don't be callin me no Philistine no more." And that's when Thomas punched him. Haywood then body-slammed Thomas to the ground, ripping out two dreadlocks (really) in the process. No word on the number of fingernails broken or perfectly good pairs of hose ruined in the fracas.
Now, there are rumors that Haywood wants to be traded. And I say, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Bigs are rare, true, but Thomas has played well so far in this admittedly early season, and if we can get something in return for Haywood, Ernie Grunfeld should absolutey pull the trigger. After all, I hear the Comets could use a big...here's hoping they return the Wizards' calls.
Hyperlink:
- Centers Thomas, Haywood Reportedly in Recent Fight [Washington Post]
Technorati tags: Wizards, basketball, humor
I try to cast as uninformed a vote as possible
Dear No One Appreciates Me,
Well, I had to write...because I just got back from the voting booth! And I'm reveling in my participation in the political process. Hey! Guess who's wearing his "I voted" sticker? That's right...it's me. Someone's getting laid tonight!
I'm not even going to recap the stories and the stakes for this election. Because that would mean I knew what they were. To me, voting is like a movie. You have to go in as fresh as possible. Let the names of the candidates be a surprise! Let them wash over you right there in the voting booth. You know what I'm saying? Don't ruin the surprise for yourself. There's so little wonder left in the world today!
At first I was paying attention to all the negative TV ads, but I stopped after a while because they always wanted me to call so-and-so and tell him to stop doing such-and-such. Like I need more work to do -- whatever! And of course, they're never 800 numbers. Typical. It makes me so mad! They're like, tell him to stop supporting terrorists. Tell her to stop writing lesbian novels. Tell him to stop lusting after our white women. Three words, dudes. Blah, blah, blah.
Look, all I know is, I get up in the morning and come to work. And there's this homeless guy on the corner who smells like tinkle. Now I don't know about you, but I don't like the smell of tinkle, particularly not in the morning time. So I wrote a letter to the mayor of my state, asking him to please do something about this homeless man, or at least the tinkle smell. Can you guess what happened? Nothing. That's right. Can you believe it? I know...our tax dollars at work. :)
But I figured I should vote anyway, just for the sticker that will surely entitle me to at least one night of free poon. It's like my fake wedding ring -- a sure-fire chick magnet, baby! So once I was in the booth, I just went ahead and checked off all the least ethnic-sounding names that I could. I don't know many of the issues, but I think it's safe to say all my political beliefs are generally encapsulated in not voting for ethnic people. So that's that. And the beauty is, my vote counts just as much as yours! I'm so full of pride that I could puke. See you around, bud!
Sincerely,
Hot Enough For Ya Guy
Technorati tags: election, humor
Well, I had to write...because I just got back from the voting booth! And I'm reveling in my participation in the political process. Hey! Guess who's wearing his "I voted" sticker? That's right...it's me. Someone's getting laid tonight!
I'm not even going to recap the stories and the stakes for this election. Because that would mean I knew what they were. To me, voting is like a movie. You have to go in as fresh as possible. Let the names of the candidates be a surprise! Let them wash over you right there in the voting booth. You know what I'm saying? Don't ruin the surprise for yourself. There's so little wonder left in the world today!
At first I was paying attention to all the negative TV ads, but I stopped after a while because they always wanted me to call so-and-so and tell him to stop doing such-and-such. Like I need more work to do -- whatever! And of course, they're never 800 numbers. Typical. It makes me so mad! They're like, tell him to stop supporting terrorists. Tell her to stop writing lesbian novels. Tell him to stop lusting after our white women. Three words, dudes. Blah, blah, blah.
Look, all I know is, I get up in the morning and come to work. And there's this homeless guy on the corner who smells like tinkle. Now I don't know about you, but I don't like the smell of tinkle, particularly not in the morning time. So I wrote a letter to the mayor of my state, asking him to please do something about this homeless man, or at least the tinkle smell. Can you guess what happened? Nothing. That's right. Can you believe it? I know...our tax dollars at work. :)
But I figured I should vote anyway, just for the sticker that will surely entitle me to at least one night of free poon. It's like my fake wedding ring -- a sure-fire chick magnet, baby! So once I was in the booth, I just went ahead and checked off all the least ethnic-sounding names that I could. I don't know many of the issues, but I think it's safe to say all my political beliefs are generally encapsulated in not voting for ethnic people. So that's that. And the beauty is, my vote counts just as much as yours! I'm so full of pride that I could puke. See you around, bud!
Sincerely,
Hot Enough For Ya Guy
Technorati tags: election, humor
Monday, November 06, 2006
Redskins Update: more Kool-Aid, anyone?
Good to be back after a two-week absence...and what better time to get back into the swing of things? HUGE election coming up tomorrow, Wizards season just kicking off, and yesterday the Redskins beat the Cowboys to avoid the sweep and the notion that their season is so far a total and unmitigated disaster.
True to form as always, the Redskins are now entrenched between steps 5 and 6 of my general season prediction from a couple months ago. The Redskins eked out a victory in thrilling fashion (led by local folk hero Nick "The Kick" Novak), but hey, that could have gone either way. Nevertheless, Redskins fans are FREAKING OUT! THIS IS THE GREATEST REDSKINS TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED! Sorry for not following the mob, but that was a crappy win. Excitingly crappy, but crappy nonetheless. With the Cowboys granting like 500 penalty yards and Troy Aikman repeatedly harping on "missed opportunities" like he was giving a Nobel lecture, the Redskins were like a tomato can boxer being held up by his opponent.
But it doesn't matter. Today the chat boards are alive with giddy people praising Brunell and all the others. And the media, while not going completely overboard, is still inching back onto the bandwagon. The Washington Post says "there's a bit of hope" for them yet. And insufferable Sportstalk 980 cheerleader Doc Walker said on the postgame show yesterday: "Don't be surprised if this team gets the last laugh." Actually, Doc, I think I'll still be surprised, but thanks anyway. Let's see if they can get back to .500. You know, winning as much as they lose? Then maybe I'll break out the champagne and plastic sheeting.
Hyperlinks:
- Nice Change in Sequence [Washington Post]
- For Novak, a bit of job security [Washington Post]
Technorati tags: Redskins, NFL
True to form as always, the Redskins are now entrenched between steps 5 and 6 of my general season prediction from a couple months ago. The Redskins eked out a victory in thrilling fashion (led by local folk hero Nick "The Kick" Novak), but hey, that could have gone either way. Nevertheless, Redskins fans are FREAKING OUT! THIS IS THE GREATEST REDSKINS TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED! Sorry for not following the mob, but that was a crappy win. Excitingly crappy, but crappy nonetheless. With the Cowboys granting like 500 penalty yards and Troy Aikman repeatedly harping on "missed opportunities" like he was giving a Nobel lecture, the Redskins were like a tomato can boxer being held up by his opponent.
But it doesn't matter. Today the chat boards are alive with giddy people praising Brunell and all the others. And the media, while not going completely overboard, is still inching back onto the bandwagon. The Washington Post says "there's a bit of hope" for them yet. And insufferable Sportstalk 980 cheerleader Doc Walker said on the postgame show yesterday: "Don't be surprised if this team gets the last laugh." Actually, Doc, I think I'll still be surprised, but thanks anyway. Let's see if they can get back to .500. You know, winning as much as they lose? Then maybe I'll break out the champagne and plastic sheeting.
Hyperlinks:
- Nice Change in Sequence [Washington Post]
- For Novak, a bit of job security [Washington Post]
Technorati tags: Redskins, NFL
Monday, October 23, 2006
Blogger Silence
Due to a work convention, I'll be away from the blog for the next two weeks, returning Monday November 6 to resume the drollery. In the meantime, please feel free to plumb my archives. Because it just feels good. Via con Dios.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Is this "Game 7" you speak of some kind of new lottery ticket?
Heard just a little tiny bit of talk about last night's Game 7 between the Mets and Cardinals, with a trip to the World Series on the line. All joking aside, with the exception of March Madness and maybe the World Cup, it really doesn't get any more [insert cliche here] than a Game 7.
I'll leave additional dissection and philosophizing to the experts. I think the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Bryan Burwell said it best when he said:
Whoa...did I actually catch it?
I'll leave additional dissection and philosophizing to the experts. I think the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Bryan Burwell said it best when he said:
So what does a Game 7 feel like? Just like this, frightening and delightful. Maddening and joyful. Frustrating and breathless all rolled into one.Right. It was poetry in motion, a Michaelangelo painting, the Greatest Game Ever Played, etc. Okay, we've established that. No one will remember much of the game in a month after the Tigers have swept the Cardinals out and Terrell Owens has his next sideline hissy-fit, but no matter. One thing everyone will remember, undoubtedly, was that Endy Chavez catch. The very same Endy Chavez who was kicked off the Nationals because he had no work ethic and couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Eh, whatever.
Whoa...did I actually catch it?
The catch was unbelievable though. Other than maybe a lottery drawing, there aren't many places outside of sports where you can watch a person make themselves millions of dollars in the span of four or five seconds, as Chavez did. Pretty good. Hope you enjoy your new contract prospects from the comfort of your couch.
I'm not sure who to root for in the World Series...I got no interest whatsoever in either team. Both are a good story, I guess. So maybe I'll just root for a good, clean series. Sportsmanship will be my battle cry!
Hyperlinks:
- Mets Finish in Unhappy Endy [NY Daily News]
- Burwell: Game 7 is just what a Game 7 should be [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]
Technorati tags: baseball, World Series, Mets, Cardinals
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Bush, U.S.A.: Masters of the Universe!
News today that President Bush is changing the direction of America's space policy to focus more on national defense. According to the Post article, his plan "asserts a right to deny access to space to anyone 'hostile to U.S. interests.'"
Whose flag is this, bitch?
So we own space now. Huzzah! I think this change in policy is long overdue. Fuck the cooperative spirit of the International Space Station. Fuck it in the ear! And fuck these high-fallutin notions of "exploration" and "science." You heard the president, all you snot-nosed nerds out there. And Lance Bass, if you think your homo ass still has a shot at a space flight, think again, boy. We don't need your kind in space -- access denied!
The U.S. absolutely has the right to cut space of from anyone we deem hostile to us. Why? Because SHUT THE HELL UP, that's why! That's OUR empty expanse up there. Savvy? And I see absolutely no downside to this. In fact, let's take it a step further. Let's deny North Korea access to oxygen. Don't let us catch you North Koreans breathing down there, or else we're talking sanctions, or at least a sternly worded statement with your name on it, punks! I also think we should deny access to the ocean -- you know, just because. Space may be the final frontier for war and crap, but it's the first frontier for yet another bold new stroke of Bush administration policy. And I welcome it.
Hyperlinks:
- Bush Sets Defense As Space Priority [Washington Post]
- International Space Station [NASA]
Technorati tags: Bush, space, News, NASA, Science, crazy, humor, America
Whose flag is this, bitch?
So we own space now. Huzzah! I think this change in policy is long overdue. Fuck the cooperative spirit of the International Space Station. Fuck it in the ear! And fuck these high-fallutin notions of "exploration" and "science." You heard the president, all you snot-nosed nerds out there. And Lance Bass, if you think your homo ass still has a shot at a space flight, think again, boy. We don't need your kind in space -- access denied!
The U.S. absolutely has the right to cut space of from anyone we deem hostile to us. Why? Because SHUT THE HELL UP, that's why! That's OUR empty expanse up there. Savvy? And I see absolutely no downside to this. In fact, let's take it a step further. Let's deny North Korea access to oxygen. Don't let us catch you North Koreans breathing down there, or else we're talking sanctions, or at least a sternly worded statement with your name on it, punks! I also think we should deny access to the ocean -- you know, just because. Space may be the final frontier for war and crap, but it's the first frontier for yet another bold new stroke of Bush administration policy. And I welcome it.
Hyperlinks:
- Bush Sets Defense As Space Priority [Washington Post]
- International Space Station [NASA]
Technorati tags: Bush, space, News, NASA, Science, crazy, humor, America
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Hands of Steele
Well, the elections are heating up, and in Maryland's Senate race, Republican Michael Steele is the current underdog against Democrat Ben Cardin.
In such a staunchly blue state, that's to be expected. But as a black man, Steele feels he can tip the scales by winning the black vote. So as a way to boost street cred and woo black voters, Steele recruited a few celebrities to help out. So who did he find?
Don King and Mike Tyson. Yes, that's right. And I say, darn straight. Whoever gets the nod from the convicted felon and would-be woman fighter with the face tatoo and the unconvicted felon who sacrificed an entire sport to his own greed, well, I'm going that way, too.
Vote Michael Steele, or I eat your children!
While I wonder if there was some kind of hair-related shipping mix-up with King and Al Sharpton, King is on the stump.
Regardless, the messages are clearly on target so far. This morning, a comedian on a DC urban radio station said:
Hyperlinks:
- Steele Calls in Heavyweight [Baltimore Sun]
- Steele's Glass Jaw [The Plank/The New Republic]
- Jamal Simmons: Why do Republicans Think Don King's Endorsement Matters to African Americans? [The Huffington Post]
- Ready to Rumble [CNNSI.com]
In such a staunchly blue state, that's to be expected. But as a black man, Steele feels he can tip the scales by winning the black vote. So as a way to boost street cred and woo black voters, Steele recruited a few celebrities to help out. So who did he find?
Don King and Mike Tyson. Yes, that's right. And I say, darn straight. Whoever gets the nod from the convicted felon and would-be woman fighter with the face tatoo and the unconvicted felon who sacrificed an entire sport to his own greed, well, I'm going that way, too.
Vote Michael Steele, or I eat your children!
While I wonder if there was some kind of hair-related shipping mix-up with King and Al Sharpton, King is on the stump.
Wow. Lock this thing up right now, because it's over. Cardin didn't know when he got into this that he would be up against, like, rhymes, and what not. But what's that you say? You want more, do you? Never satisfied, I see. Well, get this. Tyson is also stumping hard for Steele, and you'll never guess how they know each other. Give up? Tyson is Steele's ex-brother-in-law. And you thought your family Thanksgivings were grueling. (And once Steele wins, do I see a Maryland boxing license in someone's stocking this year?)"You want no pie in the sky when you die, you want something sound on the ground when you're around. A vote for Steele is history."
Regardless, the messages are clearly on target so far. This morning, a comedian on a DC urban radio station said:
"The Republicans know black people hate George W. Bush so much that Michael Steele would rather (be endorsed by) a convicted murderer and a convicted rapist than President Bush."See there, Mr. Steele? People are talking! I think I smell victory. And by "victory," I mean "ears."
Hyperlinks:
- Steele Calls in Heavyweight [Baltimore Sun]
- Steele's Glass Jaw [The Plank/The New Republic]
- Jamal Simmons: Why do Republicans Think Don King's Endorsement Matters to African Americans? [The Huffington Post]
- Ready to Rumble [CNNSI.com]
Dennis Green: Playoffs! PLAYOFFS?!?!?!
Prediction: the Chicago Bears -- that's right, the Bears, I know no one's talking about them -- may be playoff bound. No foolin! What a win for them last night. I don't usually blog about non-DC teams, but Jesus God.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Chicago Bears. Any questions?
And yes, I know the Cardinals let them off the hook (as Denny Green so eloquently put it after the game), and the Cardinals suck, and so on and so forth. Speaking of Green, though, what a performance last night. I expected him to pull off his mask to reveal that he was really Jon Chaney coming out of retirement. I'd put this rant right up there with Jim Mora's classic "PLAYOFFS!?!" and Herman Edwards' "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!" tirade. Here's the uncensored YouTube:
Regardless of the opponent, however, the Bears still won a football game even as their offense committed six turnovers and managed just a measly field goal. When your defense and special teams can score three touchdowns on anyone, that's pretty freakish. That's like a boxer who can stand on his head and fight you with his feet after his arms get tired. I don't care if he can only do it against 50-year-old sparring partners with the gout, it's still amazing. After all, they are who we thought they were. Just ask Denny.
Hyperlinks:
- Monday Night Miracle [Chicago Tribune]
- Green Melts Down [MSNBC]
Technorati tags: Monday Night Football, Chicago Bears, Arizona Cardinals
Ladies and gentlemen, the Chicago Bears. Any questions?
And yes, I know the Cardinals let them off the hook (as Denny Green so eloquently put it after the game), and the Cardinals suck, and so on and so forth. Speaking of Green, though, what a performance last night. I expected him to pull off his mask to reveal that he was really Jon Chaney coming out of retirement. I'd put this rant right up there with Jim Mora's classic "PLAYOFFS!?!" and Herman Edwards' "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!" tirade. Here's the uncensored YouTube:
Regardless of the opponent, however, the Bears still won a football game even as their offense committed six turnovers and managed just a measly field goal. When your defense and special teams can score three touchdowns on anyone, that's pretty freakish. That's like a boxer who can stand on his head and fight you with his feet after his arms get tired. I don't care if he can only do it against 50-year-old sparring partners with the gout, it's still amazing. After all, they are who we thought they were. Just ask Denny.
Hyperlinks:
- Monday Night Miracle [Chicago Tribune]
- Green Melts Down [MSNBC]
Technorati tags: Monday Night Football, Chicago Bears, Arizona Cardinals
Monday, October 16, 2006
Brunell long pass flies south for winter, craps on fans' cars
Well, the sky, like a Mark Brunell deep pass, is falling in Redskins land. And with reason -- after losing AT HOME to the previously winless and rebuilding Tennessee Titans, a team that hadn't won on the road in their last eight tries, the Redskins have now lost four of their last six. But hey, at least it's predictable. For any realistic Skins fan, it wasn't difficult (if not unpainful) to foresee this loss. After getting waxed by the Colts next week -- and they WILL get waxed -- the Skins will be right on schedule, firmly entrenched in step three of their usual season blueprint, with step four just around the corner.
Meanwhile, fans are booing and the media is gnashing its teeth. Mark Brunell looks as bad as any quarterback in the league. Did you see that last throw he made that got intercepted? Ugh. It hung up there like a balloon, and by the time it finally fell, there were four Titans around it. And it wasn't like that was some desperation hail mary either. There was at least a minute left. And don't get me started on the defense. Yeah, they're missing some guys, but still. How are you going to let Travis freaking Henry get his career high in your house? How? How? How does that happen? I'm just a stupid fan, so please enlighten me!
But anyway, take a look at some of the headlines below...they say it all. Yep...it's fall in Washington. Go Skins.
Hyperlinks:
- Redskins Home Alone [Washington Post]
- Season is Slipping Away for Redskins [Washington Post]
- Boswell: Season Appears to Have No Legs [Washington Post]
- Redskins Defense is Failing to Hold Up [Washington Post]
- This One Hurts [Washington Times]
- Daly: A Loss That Just Stupefies [Washington Times]
- Gimme An F For This D [Washington Times]
Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington Redskins, NFL, football, Washington, D.C., Washington
Meanwhile, fans are booing and the media is gnashing its teeth. Mark Brunell looks as bad as any quarterback in the league. Did you see that last throw he made that got intercepted? Ugh. It hung up there like a balloon, and by the time it finally fell, there were four Titans around it. And it wasn't like that was some desperation hail mary either. There was at least a minute left. And don't get me started on the defense. Yeah, they're missing some guys, but still. How are you going to let Travis freaking Henry get his career high in your house? How? How? How does that happen? I'm just a stupid fan, so please enlighten me!
But anyway, take a look at some of the headlines below...they say it all. Yep...it's fall in Washington. Go Skins.
Hyperlinks:
- Redskins Home Alone [Washington Post]
- Season is Slipping Away for Redskins [Washington Post]
- Boswell: Season Appears to Have No Legs [Washington Post]
- Redskins Defense is Failing to Hold Up [Washington Post]
- This One Hurts [Washington Times]
- Daly: A Loss That Just Stupefies [Washington Times]
- Gimme An F For This D [Washington Times]
Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington Redskins, NFL, football, Washington, D.C., Washington
Friday, October 13, 2006
Recap of The Office, season 3 episode 4
(This is a Spoiler Warning. So you've been warned. If you want, watch the synopsis here.)
As you know, although I'm not a big TV show watcher (generally preferring to watch movies or sporting events), The Office is easily my favorite program right now. But last night's episode...ehhhh, I don't know. Maybe my standards have become too high.
Michael's old boss dies unexpectedly, and Michael gets all upset because it reminds him of his own mortality and loneliness. As usual, he keeps fishing for attention, but no one gives it to him because he's a crazy self-centered loon. The funniest part of the episode for me was Michael and Dwight brainstorming the best way to honor the dead guy. It takes them about 30 seconds to decide on a robot. Hilarious.
Meanwhile, the writers continue to drive a wedge between Jim and Pam. Jim charms a French-speaking co-worker in Connecticut (who is hotter than Pam, by the way), while Pam's ex-fiance continues his quest to re-ingratiate himself to her, and "the new Jim" in the Scranton office, Ryan (played by B.J. Novak, one of the show's head writers and producers, although not so strong with the acting), is feeling Pam's sense of humor.
In my opinion, the rest of the episode was fairly unremarkable and ended on a rather strange note, with Michael insisting on holding a funeral for a dead bird and Pam delivering the eulogy and, er, singing. I didn't need that. But that's a big potential pitfall of this show -- Michael (and Dwight) being overplayed as characters and becoming downright crazy and no longer believable (see Homer Simpson). The other major pitfall being, of course, that this becomes the Jim and Pam sappy love story.
Anyway, looking forward to next week's episode. Dude! If they really want to make it good, they should have Jim ball his new co-worker, dude. Know what I'm saying? Although maybe that's more of a sweeps thing. Only time will tell.
Hyperlinks:
- Last night's two-minute video synopsis [NBC.com]
Technorati tags: Television, The Office
As you know, although I'm not a big TV show watcher (generally preferring to watch movies or sporting events), The Office is easily my favorite program right now. But last night's episode...ehhhh, I don't know. Maybe my standards have become too high.
Michael's old boss dies unexpectedly, and Michael gets all upset because it reminds him of his own mortality and loneliness. As usual, he keeps fishing for attention, but no one gives it to him because he's a crazy self-centered loon. The funniest part of the episode for me was Michael and Dwight brainstorming the best way to honor the dead guy. It takes them about 30 seconds to decide on a robot. Hilarious.
Meanwhile, the writers continue to drive a wedge between Jim and Pam. Jim charms a French-speaking co-worker in Connecticut (who is hotter than Pam, by the way), while Pam's ex-fiance continues his quest to re-ingratiate himself to her, and "the new Jim" in the Scranton office, Ryan (played by B.J. Novak, one of the show's head writers and producers, although not so strong with the acting), is feeling Pam's sense of humor.
In my opinion, the rest of the episode was fairly unremarkable and ended on a rather strange note, with Michael insisting on holding a funeral for a dead bird and Pam delivering the eulogy and, er, singing. I didn't need that. But that's a big potential pitfall of this show -- Michael (and Dwight) being overplayed as characters and becoming downright crazy and no longer believable (see Homer Simpson). The other major pitfall being, of course, that this becomes the Jim and Pam sappy love story.
Anyway, looking forward to next week's episode. Dude! If they really want to make it good, they should have Jim ball his new co-worker, dude. Know what I'm saying? Although maybe that's more of a sweeps thing. Only time will tell.
Hyperlinks:
- Last night's two-minute video synopsis [NBC.com]
Technorati tags: Television, The Office
Dear guy who crapped his boxers and left them in the Metro parking lot
Dear Sir,
If you are the one who took a big lumpy crap in your gray cotton boxer briefs (sorry, I didn't get close enough to check the brand) last night and left them in the middle of the Shady Grove Metro station parking lot, I want to congratulate you on being the most disgusting, retarded, discombobulated degenerate loser douchebag fuckface of the day. Even two-year-olds know not to crap their pants. So not only were you unable to perform the basic functions required of a baby, you then in your embarrassment deposited the evidence in the middle of the parking lot, for all the morning commuters to enjoy. Sweet.
Basically, sir, you're an animal. And I don't mean like a party animal. I mean that in an evolutionary sort of way. You are unfit to commingle with other humans. And as punishment for your actions, when you go home tonight, I want you to draw a circle on the wall of your apartment or hospital room or whatever, and put your nose in that circle for the rest of the night (no masturbating!). And when your wife and/or sister, or attendant or counselor or whatever asks you why you are doing that, tell them the truth: Because I shat myself in a parking lot, then took off my shit-filled underwear and dropped it on the pavement and left it there like the sociopathic incontinent donkey that I am. The truth, sir, will set you free. Hopefully, the American penal system will not, again. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Civilized society
Technorati tags: Oops I crapped my pants, crap, Metro, degenerates, humor, morons, losers
If you are the one who took a big lumpy crap in your gray cotton boxer briefs (sorry, I didn't get close enough to check the brand) last night and left them in the middle of the Shady Grove Metro station parking lot, I want to congratulate you on being the most disgusting, retarded, discombobulated degenerate loser douchebag fuckface of the day. Even two-year-olds know not to crap their pants. So not only were you unable to perform the basic functions required of a baby, you then in your embarrassment deposited the evidence in the middle of the parking lot, for all the morning commuters to enjoy. Sweet.
Basically, sir, you're an animal. And I don't mean like a party animal. I mean that in an evolutionary sort of way. You are unfit to commingle with other humans. And as punishment for your actions, when you go home tonight, I want you to draw a circle on the wall of your apartment or hospital room or whatever, and put your nose in that circle for the rest of the night (no masturbating!). And when your wife and/or sister, or attendant or counselor or whatever asks you why you are doing that, tell them the truth: Because I shat myself in a parking lot, then took off my shit-filled underwear and dropped it on the pavement and left it there like the sociopathic incontinent donkey that I am. The truth, sir, will set you free. Hopefully, the American penal system will not, again. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Civilized society
Technorati tags: Oops I crapped my pants, crap, Metro, degenerates, humor, morons, losers
Thursday, October 12, 2006
George's big dinner date
Above the fold on the front page of today's Post is the shocking news that President Bush is standing firm on his various policies. That's great, but I do have one question - how is this news? I get that these are big issues, and when the president speaks on them in any capacity, it's a big story. But still. Who on planet Earth is surprised by the information that Bush is standing firm on his policies?
Regardless of personal politics, it's not hard to see how Bush's steadfastness is arguably his best and/or worst quality as a president. In Bob Woodward's new book State of Denial, Bush is quoted as saying "We're not leaving [Iraq] if Laura and [dog] Barney are the only ones who support me." Again, no news there, but it does raise an interesting question. What if Laura stopped supporting him? I wonder how much she actually supports the war and how much she simply supports her husband (which is important, don't get me wrong). But you can't tell me a former teacher can easily ignore or rationalize all those children dying. It's not hard to picture her sitting in the White House bedroom, in the dark, rocking back and forth, repeatedly humming the chorus to "Stand By Your Man."
But I don't think the wifely travails end there. I wonder what kind of dinner date the president must be.
George (picks up menu, takes quick glance, puts it down): I'm goin with the sea bass. Waiter, we'll both have the sea bass.
Laura: The sea bass, George? Again? We just had sea bass yesterday! And the day before! And the day before that! We had it last week with Pervez and Hamid, and look how well that went!
George: I have made my decision. It was the first thing I saw on the menu. Waiter, two sea basses.
Laura: George? Honey? Let's try something else, huh?
George: Sorry, Laura, but I don't think you understand or appreciate something here. If we abandon the sea bass now, it would send a message that we don't support sea bass. Or our brave chefs and wait staff.
Laura: But George, the chef has been asking you to order something else for months now!
Chef (from kitchen): GET THE STEAK, GEORGE!!! ORDER THE STEAK!!! HOW ABOUT NICE BIG TEXAS STEAK, I MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR YOU, GEORGE!!! NO MORE SEA BASS!! PLEASE!!!!!
George: I'm sorry, Maurice, but I did not hear that request.
Laura: Then how do you know he said anything?
George: Look, Laura, all I know is that I saw the sea bass first. If I order something else, that would make things fuzzy. Like flip-flopping. Like all those brave sea basses who flip-flop around after they are caught by our brave men and women on the fishin boats. Don't you want to honor those brave dead sea basses?
Laura: But they wouldn't be dying in such large numbers if you didn't keep ordering so much of them!
Regardless of personal politics, it's not hard to see how Bush's steadfastness is arguably his best and/or worst quality as a president. In Bob Woodward's new book State of Denial, Bush is quoted as saying "We're not leaving [Iraq] if Laura and [dog] Barney are the only ones who support me." Again, no news there, but it does raise an interesting question. What if Laura stopped supporting him? I wonder how much she actually supports the war and how much she simply supports her husband (which is important, don't get me wrong). But you can't tell me a former teacher can easily ignore or rationalize all those children dying. It's not hard to picture her sitting in the White House bedroom, in the dark, rocking back and forth, repeatedly humming the chorus to "Stand By Your Man."
But I don't think the wifely travails end there. I wonder what kind of dinner date the president must be.
George (picks up menu, takes quick glance, puts it down): I'm goin with the sea bass. Waiter, we'll both have the sea bass.
Laura: The sea bass, George? Again? We just had sea bass yesterday! And the day before! And the day before that! We had it last week with Pervez and Hamid, and look how well that went!
George: I have made my decision. It was the first thing I saw on the menu. Waiter, two sea basses.
Laura: George? Honey? Let's try something else, huh?
George: Sorry, Laura, but I don't think you understand or appreciate something here. If we abandon the sea bass now, it would send a message that we don't support sea bass. Or our brave chefs and wait staff.
Laura: But George, the chef has been asking you to order something else for months now!
Chef (from kitchen): GET THE STEAK, GEORGE!!! ORDER THE STEAK!!! HOW ABOUT NICE BIG TEXAS STEAK, I MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR YOU, GEORGE!!! NO MORE SEA BASS!! PLEASE!!!!!
George: I'm sorry, Maurice, but I did not hear that request.
Laura: Then how do you know he said anything?
George: Look, Laura, all I know is that I saw the sea bass first. If I order something else, that would make things fuzzy. Like flip-flopping. Like all those brave sea basses who flip-flop around after they are caught by our brave men and women on the fishin boats. Don't you want to honor those brave dead sea basses?
Laura: But they wouldn't be dying in such large numbers if you didn't keep ordering so much of them!
George: Sorry, but I did not hear that last comment.
Laura (lays head on table): Waiter, two orders of sea bass, and a valium, please.
George: And by the way. Waiter? She's gonna take the check. Thanks a bunch, honey.
Hyperlinks:
- Bush Stands Firm on Policies [Washington Post]
- Bush urges Karzai, Musharraf to cooperate [MSNBC]
- A Portrait of the President as the Victim of His Own Certitude [New York Times]
Technorati tags: Bush, Politics, Laura Bush, humor, State of Denial, sea bass
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Runaway bride sues for phone, Reese's Pieces
Remember Jennifer Wilbanks, aka The Runaway Bride? The tabloid fascination who, four days before her wedding date, faked her own abduction (and blamed it on Mexican people) so she wouldn't have to go through with it? Well, now she's suing her ex-fiance for $500,000 over some tell-all book deal. That's awesome. You stay classy, Runaway Bride.
Perhaps, however, these behaviors are symptoms of a deeper condition. Perhaps, not even, of the human condition.
Hyperlinks:
- Runaway Bride sues former fiance [CNN.com]
Technorati tags: Runaway bride, tabloids, garbage, humor, E.T., classy
Perhaps, however, these behaviors are symptoms of a deeper condition. Perhaps, not even, of the human condition.
Hyperlinks:
- Runaway Bride sues former fiance [CNN.com]
Technorati tags: Runaway bride, tabloids, garbage, humor, E.T., classy
Welcome home, Nick the Kick!
Ah, good news on the Redskins front, as University of Maryland cult hero and folk legend Nick "The Kick" Novak returns to the area to assume place-kicking duties for the burgundy and gold.
Nick the Kick -- the Pretty Boy Floyd of Maryland football.
The all-time scoring leader in ACC football history, Novak's collegiate career began under much humbler circumstances. As a redshirt freshman in 2001, Novak just plain sucked. I mean, he was some kind of garbage. He started the season 4 for 11. He couldn't kick his grandmother off the couch.
But that all changed on October 11, 2001 -- five years TO THE DAY that he joined the Redskins on a (hopefully) long-term basis -- when the Terps drove into field goal range at Georgia Tech with the clock winding down. In hostile Atlanta, Maryland faced a 46-yard field goal to tie the score on the final play. True to the form he had theretofore displayed, Novak had earlier shanked a 32-yarder. I remember a chorus of groans as he took the field. No one could watch.
Nick approached the ball, took a deep breath, the kick was up, and he pushed it just over the cross bar. YESSSSS!!! He then nailed a game-winning 26-yarder in OT. The Terps had beaten Georgia Tech on the road to preserve their undefeated season. Wow - read that last sentence back. Was that really just five years ago? Gah.
So anyway, the rest is history. After getting laid by no less than 11 New Jersey sorority girls immediately upon his return to College Park, Nick the Kick never looked back. And neither did we. And now, he's back in the area, kicking for the Skins. Welcome home, brother. Welcome home.
Hyperlinks:
- Novak Will Replace Hall [Washington Post]
- Unbeaten Maryland Tops Georgia Tech [New York Times]
- Novak Named Tatum Award Winner By ACC [UMTerps.com]
Technorati tags: Maryland, Maryland sports, Redskins, football, cult heroes
(photo credits: CSTV, Corbis)
Nick the Kick -- the Pretty Boy Floyd of Maryland football.
The all-time scoring leader in ACC football history, Novak's collegiate career began under much humbler circumstances. As a redshirt freshman in 2001, Novak just plain sucked. I mean, he was some kind of garbage. He started the season 4 for 11. He couldn't kick his grandmother off the couch.
But that all changed on October 11, 2001 -- five years TO THE DAY that he joined the Redskins on a (hopefully) long-term basis -- when the Terps drove into field goal range at Georgia Tech with the clock winding down. In hostile Atlanta, Maryland faced a 46-yard field goal to tie the score on the final play. True to the form he had theretofore displayed, Novak had earlier shanked a 32-yarder. I remember a chorus of groans as he took the field. No one could watch.
Nick approached the ball, took a deep breath, the kick was up, and he pushed it just over the cross bar. YESSSSS!!! He then nailed a game-winning 26-yarder in OT. The Terps had beaten Georgia Tech on the road to preserve their undefeated season. Wow - read that last sentence back. Was that really just five years ago? Gah.
So anyway, the rest is history. After getting laid by no less than 11 New Jersey sorority girls immediately upon his return to College Park, Nick the Kick never looked back. And neither did we. And now, he's back in the area, kicking for the Skins. Welcome home, brother. Welcome home.
Hyperlinks:
- Novak Will Replace Hall [Washington Post]
- Unbeaten Maryland Tops Georgia Tech [New York Times]
- Novak Named Tatum Award Winner By ACC [UMTerps.com]
Technorati tags: Maryland, Maryland sports, Redskins, football, cult heroes
(photo credits: CSTV, Corbis)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
While I was away: Hey, what happened to that Foley guy and his bill congratulating the PGA?
You'll have to excuse me for my ignorance, as I am just returning from my vacation cruise (which was great, by the way...swimming with stingrays in Grand Cayman, snorkeling in Honduras, Mayan ruins in Belize, etc...great times all around), but there is something that I am confused about. If anyone out there can help me out, that would be great.
My concern is as follows: on September 13, a lawmaker named Mark Foley (I know you've never heard of him -- he's just some anonymous congressman from Florida) introduced a bill on the House floor "Congratulating The Professional Golfers' Association of America on its 90th anniversary." On September 25, the House approved the bill, and on September 26 that bill went to the Senate.
Mark Foley (center) with lawmakers and PGA Leadership.
My concern is as follows: on September 13, a lawmaker named Mark Foley (I know you've never heard of him -- he's just some anonymous congressman from Florida) introduced a bill on the House floor "Congratulating The Professional Golfers' Association of America on its 90th anniversary." On September 25, the House approved the bill, and on September 26 that bill went to the Senate.
Mark Foley (center) with lawmakers and PGA Leadership.
But for some reason, the Senate has not yet taken action on the bill. Now, again, I've been incomunicado for about 10 days, but what gives? Is the Senate dragging its heels and once again flouting the will of the people by wrapping this bill in its usual reams of red tape? Does the Senate have some sort of problem with the PGA or with the great game of golf? What, are 90th anniversaries just not important enough for a bunch of big-shot politicians to acknowledge? Accountability, Senators. That's what this is all about.
But wait, there's more. I just noticed this PGA news release does not mention Foley's name in connection with the bill, although according to House records and this article from a past issue of the PGA News, he clearly introduced it. Is there some kind of back-door dealing going on? Some kind of secret meeting? Some kind of development we don't yet know about? So many questions...but so few answers here. Not even one measly answer is apparent.
Mark Foley (pictured with John Ashcroft). Why is his
effort to honor the PGA going unrecognized?
But one thing is for certain...we must demand answers of our leaders. What is the Senatorial agenda in relation to this bill? Mark Foley is the hero of the PGA in Congress...why shouldn't they announce their partnership with him from every available mountaintop? Who is standing in the way of this bill, and in the way of the sport of golf, and of America? And why? WHY? The silence, on all sides, is simply deafening.
Hyperlinks:
- H.CON.RES.471 [GovTrack]
- U.S. House Resolution Honors PGA of America [PGA.com]
- House Approval [PGA News]
Technorati tags: Mark Foley, Golf, Politics
(top photo credit: The PGA of America)
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