Monday, July 24, 2006

Tiger Woods finally gets his heart, oil can

After a long and arduous journey involving enchanted poppy fields, debilitating joint stiffness, an Emerald City, and a grove of dastardly talking trees, Tiger Woods finally received his heart yesterday on the beautiful brown “greens” of Royal Liverpool, breaking down in tears after winning his third British Open title just months after his father passed away.

Happy day!

As Woods – who has often appeared frigid or even vaguely robotic in public – hoisted the championship trophy, he took a moment to thank several members of the adoring throng that surrounded him.

“Sergio Garcia! You were there!” he cried. “You were you, but you weren’t you. You were this lion, but you were all, like, cowardly and, frankly, a little fruity (literally). And Phil Mickelson. I think I’ll miss you most of all. Hang in there, Lefty! You’re gonna get that brain some day, I just know it!

“But perhaps more than anyone else, I’d like to thank my model-nanny wife, Elin. You led me along the yellow brick road of myriad pleasures and delights. You know those ruby undergarments I bought for you? Yeah, those are hot.”

Just then, Nike CEO Phil Knight descended from the sky in a giant Nike hot air balloon.

“Why, Tiger, this is splendid, just splendid! But you know something? You’ve had the power inside you all along! Remember all those poignant ads you've made for us? Like the one of the montage of you and your dad during your youth? Well, all you had to do was pretend your life was one of your commercials! Then you need only rub two hundred dollar bills together three times, and just like that, why, my dear boy, you’re on your way!”

And with that, Tiger boarded the Nike brand hot air balloon, vigorously rubbing handfuls of cash together. And he and Knight soared high up into the sky, through the wispy British clouds, and out over the rainbow. And they aaalllllllllllllllllllllllll lived happily ever after. The end.

- Washington Post
story link
- Another Washington Post story,
on Tiger and his father

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(Woods photo credit: John Bazemore/AP)


A-Mo said...

I stumbled across your blog last night and enjoyed it so much that I spent over an hour reading your archives. Great work!

Bob Andrews said...

Simply “laugh out loud” Hilarious!