Friday, October 13, 2006

Dear guy who crapped his boxers and left them in the Metro parking lot

Dear Sir,

If you are the one who took a big lumpy crap in your gray cotton boxer briefs (sorry, I didn't get close enough to check the brand) last night and left them in the middle of the Shady Grove Metro station parking lot, I want to congratulate you on being the most disgusting, retarded, discombobulated degenerate loser douchebag fuckface of the day. Even two-year-olds know not to crap their pants. So not only were you unable to perform the basic functions required of a baby, you then in your embarrassment deposited the evidence in the middle of the parking lot, for all the morning commuters to enjoy. Sweet.

Basically, sir, you're an animal. And I don't mean like a party animal. I mean that in an evolutionary sort of way. You are unfit to commingle with other humans. And as punishment for your actions, when you go home tonight, I want you to draw a circle on the wall of your apartment or hospital room or whatever, and put your nose in that circle for the rest of the night (no masturbating!). And when your wife and/or sister, or attendant or counselor or whatever asks you why you are doing that, tell them the truth: Because I shat myself in a parking lot, then took off my shit-filled underwear and dropped it on the pavement and left it there like the sociopathic incontinent donkey that I am. The truth, sir, will set you free. Hopefully, the American penal system will not, again. Thank you for your cooperation.

Civilized society

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