Well, the sky, like a Mark Brunell deep pass, is falling in Redskins land. And with reason -- after losing AT HOME to the previously winless and rebuilding Tennessee Titans, a team that hadn't won on the road in their last eight tries, the Redskins have now lost four of their last six. But hey, at least it's predictable. For any realistic Skins fan, it wasn't difficult (if not unpainful) to foresee this loss. After getting waxed by the Colts next week -- and they WILL get waxed -- the Skins will be right on schedule, firmly entrenched in step three of their usual season blueprint, with step four just around the corner.
Meanwhile, fans are booing and the media is gnashing its teeth. Mark Brunell looks as bad as any quarterback in the league. Did you see that last throw he made that got intercepted? Ugh. It hung up there like a balloon, and by the time it finally fell, there were four Titans around it. And it wasn't like that was some desperation hail mary either. There was at least a minute left. And don't get me started on the defense. Yeah, they're missing some guys, but still. How are you going to let Travis freaking Henry get his career high in your house? How? How? How does that happen? I'm just a stupid fan, so please enlighten me!
But anyway, take a look at some of the headlines below...they say it all. Yep...it's fall in Washington. Go Skins.
Hyperlinks:
- Redskins Home Alone [Washington Post]
- Season is Slipping Away for Redskins [Washington Post]
- Boswell: Season Appears to Have No Legs [Washington Post]
- Redskins Defense is Failing to Hold Up [Washington Post]
- This One Hurts [Washington Times]
- Daly: A Loss That Just Stupefies [Washington Times]
- Gimme An F For This D [Washington Times]
Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington Redskins, NFL, football, Washington, D.C., Washington
Monday, October 16, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
Recap of The Office, season 3 episode 4
(This is a Spoiler Warning. So you've been warned. If you want, watch the synopsis here.)
As you know, although I'm not a big TV show watcher (generally preferring to watch movies or sporting events), The Office is easily my favorite program right now. But last night's episode...ehhhh, I don't know. Maybe my standards have become too high.
Michael's old boss dies unexpectedly, and Michael gets all upset because it reminds him of his own mortality and loneliness. As usual, he keeps fishing for attention, but no one gives it to him because he's a crazy self-centered loon. The funniest part of the episode for me was Michael and Dwight brainstorming the best way to honor the dead guy. It takes them about 30 seconds to decide on a robot. Hilarious.
Meanwhile, the writers continue to drive a wedge between Jim and Pam. Jim charms a French-speaking co-worker in Connecticut (who is hotter than Pam, by the way), while Pam's ex-fiance continues his quest to re-ingratiate himself to her, and "the new Jim" in the Scranton office, Ryan (played by B.J. Novak, one of the show's head writers and producers, although not so strong with the acting), is feeling Pam's sense of humor.
In my opinion, the rest of the episode was fairly unremarkable and ended on a rather strange note, with Michael insisting on holding a funeral for a dead bird and Pam delivering the eulogy and, er, singing. I didn't need that. But that's a big potential pitfall of this show -- Michael (and Dwight) being overplayed as characters and becoming downright crazy and no longer believable (see Homer Simpson). The other major pitfall being, of course, that this becomes the Jim and Pam sappy love story.
Anyway, looking forward to next week's episode. Dude! If they really want to make it good, they should have Jim ball his new co-worker, dude. Know what I'm saying? Although maybe that's more of a sweeps thing. Only time will tell.
Hyperlinks:
- Last night's two-minute video synopsis [NBC.com]
Technorati tags: Television, The Office
As you know, although I'm not a big TV show watcher (generally preferring to watch movies or sporting events), The Office is easily my favorite program right now. But last night's episode...ehhhh, I don't know. Maybe my standards have become too high.
Michael's old boss dies unexpectedly, and Michael gets all upset because it reminds him of his own mortality and loneliness. As usual, he keeps fishing for attention, but no one gives it to him because he's a crazy self-centered loon. The funniest part of the episode for me was Michael and Dwight brainstorming the best way to honor the dead guy. It takes them about 30 seconds to decide on a robot. Hilarious.
Meanwhile, the writers continue to drive a wedge between Jim and Pam. Jim charms a French-speaking co-worker in Connecticut (who is hotter than Pam, by the way), while Pam's ex-fiance continues his quest to re-ingratiate himself to her, and "the new Jim" in the Scranton office, Ryan (played by B.J. Novak, one of the show's head writers and producers, although not so strong with the acting), is feeling Pam's sense of humor.
In my opinion, the rest of the episode was fairly unremarkable and ended on a rather strange note, with Michael insisting on holding a funeral for a dead bird and Pam delivering the eulogy and, er, singing. I didn't need that. But that's a big potential pitfall of this show -- Michael (and Dwight) being overplayed as characters and becoming downright crazy and no longer believable (see Homer Simpson). The other major pitfall being, of course, that this becomes the Jim and Pam sappy love story.
Anyway, looking forward to next week's episode. Dude! If they really want to make it good, they should have Jim ball his new co-worker, dude. Know what I'm saying? Although maybe that's more of a sweeps thing. Only time will tell.
Hyperlinks:
- Last night's two-minute video synopsis [NBC.com]
Technorati tags: Television, The Office
Dear guy who crapped his boxers and left them in the Metro parking lot
Dear Sir,
If you are the one who took a big lumpy crap in your gray cotton boxer briefs (sorry, I didn't get close enough to check the brand) last night and left them in the middle of the Shady Grove Metro station parking lot, I want to congratulate you on being the most disgusting, retarded, discombobulated degenerate loser douchebag fuckface of the day. Even two-year-olds know not to crap their pants. So not only were you unable to perform the basic functions required of a baby, you then in your embarrassment deposited the evidence in the middle of the parking lot, for all the morning commuters to enjoy. Sweet.
Basically, sir, you're an animal. And I don't mean like a party animal. I mean that in an evolutionary sort of way. You are unfit to commingle with other humans. And as punishment for your actions, when you go home tonight, I want you to draw a circle on the wall of your apartment or hospital room or whatever, and put your nose in that circle for the rest of the night (no masturbating!). And when your wife and/or sister, or attendant or counselor or whatever asks you why you are doing that, tell them the truth: Because I shat myself in a parking lot, then took off my shit-filled underwear and dropped it on the pavement and left it there like the sociopathic incontinent donkey that I am. The truth, sir, will set you free. Hopefully, the American penal system will not, again. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Civilized society
Technorati tags: Oops I crapped my pants, crap, Metro, degenerates, humor, morons, losers
If you are the one who took a big lumpy crap in your gray cotton boxer briefs (sorry, I didn't get close enough to check the brand) last night and left them in the middle of the Shady Grove Metro station parking lot, I want to congratulate you on being the most disgusting, retarded, discombobulated degenerate loser douchebag fuckface of the day. Even two-year-olds know not to crap their pants. So not only were you unable to perform the basic functions required of a baby, you then in your embarrassment deposited the evidence in the middle of the parking lot, for all the morning commuters to enjoy. Sweet.
Basically, sir, you're an animal. And I don't mean like a party animal. I mean that in an evolutionary sort of way. You are unfit to commingle with other humans. And as punishment for your actions, when you go home tonight, I want you to draw a circle on the wall of your apartment or hospital room or whatever, and put your nose in that circle for the rest of the night (no masturbating!). And when your wife and/or sister, or attendant or counselor or whatever asks you why you are doing that, tell them the truth: Because I shat myself in a parking lot, then took off my shit-filled underwear and dropped it on the pavement and left it there like the sociopathic incontinent donkey that I am. The truth, sir, will set you free. Hopefully, the American penal system will not, again. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Civilized society
Technorati tags: Oops I crapped my pants, crap, Metro, degenerates, humor, morons, losers
Thursday, October 12, 2006
George's big dinner date
Above the fold on the front page of today's Post is the shocking news that President Bush is standing firm on his various policies. That's great, but I do have one question - how is this news? I get that these are big issues, and when the president speaks on them in any capacity, it's a big story. But still. Who on planet Earth is surprised by the information that Bush is standing firm on his policies?
Regardless of personal politics, it's not hard to see how Bush's steadfastness is arguably his best and/or worst quality as a president. In Bob Woodward's new book State of Denial, Bush is quoted as saying "We're not leaving [Iraq] if Laura and [dog] Barney are the only ones who support me." Again, no news there, but it does raise an interesting question. What if Laura stopped supporting him? I wonder how much she actually supports the war and how much she simply supports her husband (which is important, don't get me wrong). But you can't tell me a former teacher can easily ignore or rationalize all those children dying. It's not hard to picture her sitting in the White House bedroom, in the dark, rocking back and forth, repeatedly humming the chorus to "Stand By Your Man."
But I don't think the wifely travails end there. I wonder what kind of dinner date the president must be.
George (picks up menu, takes quick glance, puts it down): I'm goin with the sea bass. Waiter, we'll both have the sea bass.
Laura: The sea bass, George? Again? We just had sea bass yesterday! And the day before! And the day before that! We had it last week with Pervez and Hamid, and look how well that went!
George: I have made my decision. It was the first thing I saw on the menu. Waiter, two sea basses.
Laura: George? Honey? Let's try something else, huh?
George: Sorry, Laura, but I don't think you understand or appreciate something here. If we abandon the sea bass now, it would send a message that we don't support sea bass. Or our brave chefs and wait staff.
Laura: But George, the chef has been asking you to order something else for months now!
Chef (from kitchen): GET THE STEAK, GEORGE!!! ORDER THE STEAK!!! HOW ABOUT NICE BIG TEXAS STEAK, I MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR YOU, GEORGE!!! NO MORE SEA BASS!! PLEASE!!!!!
George: I'm sorry, Maurice, but I did not hear that request.
Laura: Then how do you know he said anything?
George: Look, Laura, all I know is that I saw the sea bass first. If I order something else, that would make things fuzzy. Like flip-flopping. Like all those brave sea basses who flip-flop around after they are caught by our brave men and women on the fishin boats. Don't you want to honor those brave dead sea basses?
Laura: But they wouldn't be dying in such large numbers if you didn't keep ordering so much of them!
Regardless of personal politics, it's not hard to see how Bush's steadfastness is arguably his best and/or worst quality as a president. In Bob Woodward's new book State of Denial, Bush is quoted as saying "We're not leaving [Iraq] if Laura and [dog] Barney are the only ones who support me." Again, no news there, but it does raise an interesting question. What if Laura stopped supporting him? I wonder how much she actually supports the war and how much she simply supports her husband (which is important, don't get me wrong). But you can't tell me a former teacher can easily ignore or rationalize all those children dying. It's not hard to picture her sitting in the White House bedroom, in the dark, rocking back and forth, repeatedly humming the chorus to "Stand By Your Man."
But I don't think the wifely travails end there. I wonder what kind of dinner date the president must be.
George (picks up menu, takes quick glance, puts it down): I'm goin with the sea bass. Waiter, we'll both have the sea bass.
Laura: The sea bass, George? Again? We just had sea bass yesterday! And the day before! And the day before that! We had it last week with Pervez and Hamid, and look how well that went!
George: I have made my decision. It was the first thing I saw on the menu. Waiter, two sea basses.
Laura: George? Honey? Let's try something else, huh?
George: Sorry, Laura, but I don't think you understand or appreciate something here. If we abandon the sea bass now, it would send a message that we don't support sea bass. Or our brave chefs and wait staff.
Laura: But George, the chef has been asking you to order something else for months now!
Chef (from kitchen): GET THE STEAK, GEORGE!!! ORDER THE STEAK!!! HOW ABOUT NICE BIG TEXAS STEAK, I MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR YOU, GEORGE!!! NO MORE SEA BASS!! PLEASE!!!!!
George: I'm sorry, Maurice, but I did not hear that request.
Laura: Then how do you know he said anything?
George: Look, Laura, all I know is that I saw the sea bass first. If I order something else, that would make things fuzzy. Like flip-flopping. Like all those brave sea basses who flip-flop around after they are caught by our brave men and women on the fishin boats. Don't you want to honor those brave dead sea basses?
Laura: But they wouldn't be dying in such large numbers if you didn't keep ordering so much of them!
George: Sorry, but I did not hear that last comment.
Laura (lays head on table): Waiter, two orders of sea bass, and a valium, please.
George: And by the way. Waiter? She's gonna take the check. Thanks a bunch, honey.
Hyperlinks:
- Bush Stands Firm on Policies [Washington Post]
- Bush urges Karzai, Musharraf to cooperate [MSNBC]
- A Portrait of the President as the Victim of His Own Certitude [New York Times]
Technorati tags: Bush, Politics, Laura Bush, humor, State of Denial, sea bass
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Runaway bride sues for phone, Reese's Pieces
Remember Jennifer Wilbanks, aka The Runaway Bride? The tabloid fascination who, four days before her wedding date, faked her own abduction (and blamed it on Mexican people) so she wouldn't have to go through with it? Well, now she's suing her ex-fiance for $500,000 over some tell-all book deal. That's awesome. You stay classy, Runaway Bride.
Perhaps, however, these behaviors are symptoms of a deeper condition. Perhaps, not even, of the human condition.
Hyperlinks:
- Runaway Bride sues former fiance [CNN.com]
Technorati tags: Runaway bride, tabloids, garbage, humor, E.T., classy
Perhaps, however, these behaviors are symptoms of a deeper condition. Perhaps, not even, of the human condition.
Hyperlinks:
- Runaway Bride sues former fiance [CNN.com]
Technorati tags: Runaway bride, tabloids, garbage, humor, E.T., classy
Welcome home, Nick the Kick!
Ah, good news on the Redskins front, as University of Maryland cult hero and folk legend Nick "The Kick" Novak returns to the area to assume place-kicking duties for the burgundy and gold.
Nick the Kick -- the Pretty Boy Floyd of Maryland football.
The all-time scoring leader in ACC football history, Novak's collegiate career began under much humbler circumstances. As a redshirt freshman in 2001, Novak just plain sucked. I mean, he was some kind of garbage. He started the season 4 for 11. He couldn't kick his grandmother off the couch.
But that all changed on October 11, 2001 -- five years TO THE DAY that he joined the Redskins on a (hopefully) long-term basis -- when the Terps drove into field goal range at Georgia Tech with the clock winding down. In hostile Atlanta, Maryland faced a 46-yard field goal to tie the score on the final play. True to the form he had theretofore displayed, Novak had earlier shanked a 32-yarder. I remember a chorus of groans as he took the field. No one could watch.
Nick approached the ball, took a deep breath, the kick was up, and he pushed it just over the cross bar. YESSSSS!!! He then nailed a game-winning 26-yarder in OT. The Terps had beaten Georgia Tech on the road to preserve their undefeated season. Wow - read that last sentence back. Was that really just five years ago? Gah.
So anyway, the rest is history. After getting laid by no less than 11 New Jersey sorority girls immediately upon his return to College Park, Nick the Kick never looked back. And neither did we. And now, he's back in the area, kicking for the Skins. Welcome home, brother. Welcome home.
Hyperlinks:
- Novak Will Replace Hall [Washington Post]
- Unbeaten Maryland Tops Georgia Tech [New York Times]
- Novak Named Tatum Award Winner By ACC [UMTerps.com]
Technorati tags: Maryland, Maryland sports, Redskins, football, cult heroes
(photo credits: CSTV, Corbis)
Nick the Kick -- the Pretty Boy Floyd of Maryland football.
The all-time scoring leader in ACC football history, Novak's collegiate career began under much humbler circumstances. As a redshirt freshman in 2001, Novak just plain sucked. I mean, he was some kind of garbage. He started the season 4 for 11. He couldn't kick his grandmother off the couch.
But that all changed on October 11, 2001 -- five years TO THE DAY that he joined the Redskins on a (hopefully) long-term basis -- when the Terps drove into field goal range at Georgia Tech with the clock winding down. In hostile Atlanta, Maryland faced a 46-yard field goal to tie the score on the final play. True to the form he had theretofore displayed, Novak had earlier shanked a 32-yarder. I remember a chorus of groans as he took the field. No one could watch.
Nick approached the ball, took a deep breath, the kick was up, and he pushed it just over the cross bar. YESSSSS!!! He then nailed a game-winning 26-yarder in OT. The Terps had beaten Georgia Tech on the road to preserve their undefeated season. Wow - read that last sentence back. Was that really just five years ago? Gah.
So anyway, the rest is history. After getting laid by no less than 11 New Jersey sorority girls immediately upon his return to College Park, Nick the Kick never looked back. And neither did we. And now, he's back in the area, kicking for the Skins. Welcome home, brother. Welcome home.
Hyperlinks:
- Novak Will Replace Hall [Washington Post]
- Unbeaten Maryland Tops Georgia Tech [New York Times]
- Novak Named Tatum Award Winner By ACC [UMTerps.com]
Technorati tags: Maryland, Maryland sports, Redskins, football, cult heroes
(photo credits: CSTV, Corbis)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
While I was away: Hey, what happened to that Foley guy and his bill congratulating the PGA?
You'll have to excuse me for my ignorance, as I am just returning from my vacation cruise (which was great, by the way...swimming with stingrays in Grand Cayman, snorkeling in Honduras, Mayan ruins in Belize, etc...great times all around), but there is something that I am confused about. If anyone out there can help me out, that would be great.
My concern is as follows: on September 13, a lawmaker named Mark Foley (I know you've never heard of him -- he's just some anonymous congressman from Florida) introduced a bill on the House floor "Congratulating The Professional Golfers' Association of America on its 90th anniversary." On September 25, the House approved the bill, and on September 26 that bill went to the Senate.
Mark Foley (center) with lawmakers and PGA Leadership.
My concern is as follows: on September 13, a lawmaker named Mark Foley (I know you've never heard of him -- he's just some anonymous congressman from Florida) introduced a bill on the House floor "Congratulating The Professional Golfers' Association of America on its 90th anniversary." On September 25, the House approved the bill, and on September 26 that bill went to the Senate.
Mark Foley (center) with lawmakers and PGA Leadership.
But for some reason, the Senate has not yet taken action on the bill. Now, again, I've been incomunicado for about 10 days, but what gives? Is the Senate dragging its heels and once again flouting the will of the people by wrapping this bill in its usual reams of red tape? Does the Senate have some sort of problem with the PGA or with the great game of golf? What, are 90th anniversaries just not important enough for a bunch of big-shot politicians to acknowledge? Accountability, Senators. That's what this is all about.
But wait, there's more. I just noticed this PGA news release does not mention Foley's name in connection with the bill, although according to House records and this article from a past issue of the PGA News, he clearly introduced it. Is there some kind of back-door dealing going on? Some kind of secret meeting? Some kind of development we don't yet know about? So many questions...but so few answers here. Not even one measly answer is apparent.
Mark Foley (pictured with John Ashcroft). Why is his
effort to honor the PGA going unrecognized?
But one thing is for certain...we must demand answers of our leaders. What is the Senatorial agenda in relation to this bill? Mark Foley is the hero of the PGA in Congress...why shouldn't they announce their partnership with him from every available mountaintop? Who is standing in the way of this bill, and in the way of the sport of golf, and of America? And why? WHY? The silence, on all sides, is simply deafening.
Hyperlinks:
- H.CON.RES.471 [GovTrack]
- U.S. House Resolution Honors PGA of America [PGA.com]
- House Approval [PGA News]
Technorati tags: Mark Foley, Golf, Politics
(top photo credit: The PGA of America)
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Let's cruise
Due to mounting work demands that begin to face me as I prepare to take a Caribbean cruise with the wife next week, I must postpone the bloggery until October 11. But just to do a little forecaddying, I predict:
1) The Redskins will be killed - and I mean manhandled - by the Jacksonville Jaguars this Sunday. And everyone will be calling for Brunell's head on a platter, including all the columnists who fake-defended him this week (I HATE when columnists do that...they rip a player, then when the player plays well, they write something really smug like "the naysayers just don't understand the intricacies of this offense," and what not. Sports journalism is pretty much terrible these days...it's like one big Fox News hamster wheel of contextless feather preening. It drives me so crazy, AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
2) A White House advisor will say "if the American People want to elect Democrats in November, that's their prerogative, but they can't come crying to us when terrorists bomb all the nursery schools."
3) Willie Nelson will get his own reality show.
4) I will run out of silly predictions waaaay too early. I'm just not feeling it today.
5) I will have fun on my cruise, and will look forward to resuming the tomfoolery after I get back. Good day then.
1) The Redskins will be killed - and I mean manhandled - by the Jacksonville Jaguars this Sunday. And everyone will be calling for Brunell's head on a platter, including all the columnists who fake-defended him this week (I HATE when columnists do that...they rip a player, then when the player plays well, they write something really smug like "the naysayers just don't understand the intricacies of this offense," and what not. Sports journalism is pretty much terrible these days...it's like one big Fox News hamster wheel of contextless feather preening. It drives me so crazy, AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
2) A White House advisor will say "if the American People want to elect Democrats in November, that's their prerogative, but they can't come crying to us when terrorists bomb all the nursery schools."
3) Willie Nelson will get his own reality show.
4) I will run out of silly predictions waaaay too early. I'm just not feeling it today.
5) I will have fun on my cruise, and will look forward to resuming the tomfoolery after I get back. Good day then.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
T.O. suicide attempt...WHOA!
Yeah...I guess Terrell Owens was hospitalized for trying to OD on pain medication. Jeez...I am without speech. I have nothing to say here.
Well...except one thing. Do you think there's going to be any media coverage on this?
Hyperlinks:
- Police report: TO tried suicide [ESPN.com]
Is it too early to get excited about the Wizards?
And, perhaps more importantly, are they deserving of any excitement? With the Redskins uncertain at best (sorry, the win over the University of Houston Texans didn't exactly give me Super Bowl fever), the Nats winding down a tough-but-interesting season, and all major Maryland sports in the, how do you say, toilet, there isn't much for a local sports fan like me to hang his hat on (DC United being a recent exception).
So today's story on how the Wizards front office is looking to take the next step kind of got me excited about the upcoming season (exhibition games start in two weeks).
Donnell Taylor is one of those role
players that makes a good team even better.
Sure, we lost Jared Jeffries, but is that REALLY that big of a deal? He wasn't happy here, so screw him. As long as we still have Gilbert and Caron Butler to build around, I like our chances. We signed white guy banger Darius Songalia and emerging defensive star DeShawn Stevenson over the offseason. Add in Antawn Jamison, Brendan "I know he's a stiff but he's still really big" Haywood, and Jarvis Hayes (if he can stay healthy) and that's a pretty solid core.
Plus, the Wizards have better role players than in previous years. Good "chemistry" guys like Michael Ruffin and the tenacious Donnell "I will rip somebody's arms off if it means I can stay on an NBA roster" Taylor have been lacking in seasons past. I especially like Taylor. That's the kind of young, hungry player they didn't care about (*coughBenWallacecough*) in previous front office regimes.
So hey, we'll see what happens. But I'm getting pumped. Now if we can just keep LeBron James away from the line while we're shooting free throws, we'll be all set.
Hyperlinks:
- Wizards Think Bigger
Technorati tags: Sports, NBA, Washington Wizards
So today's story on how the Wizards front office is looking to take the next step kind of got me excited about the upcoming season (exhibition games start in two weeks).
Donnell Taylor is one of those role
players that makes a good team even better.
Sure, we lost Jared Jeffries, but is that REALLY that big of a deal? He wasn't happy here, so screw him. As long as we still have Gilbert and Caron Butler to build around, I like our chances. We signed white guy banger Darius Songalia and emerging defensive star DeShawn Stevenson over the offseason. Add in Antawn Jamison, Brendan "I know he's a stiff but he's still really big" Haywood, and Jarvis Hayes (if he can stay healthy) and that's a pretty solid core.
Plus, the Wizards have better role players than in previous years. Good "chemistry" guys like Michael Ruffin and the tenacious Donnell "I will rip somebody's arms off if it means I can stay on an NBA roster" Taylor have been lacking in seasons past. I especially like Taylor. That's the kind of young, hungry player they didn't care about (*coughBenWallacecough*) in previous front office regimes.
So hey, we'll see what happens. But I'm getting pumped. Now if we can just keep LeBron James away from the line while we're shooting free throws, we'll be all set.
Hyperlinks:
- Wizards Think Bigger
Technorati tags: Sports, NBA, Washington Wizards
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
This HeadOn product looks great, but how do I apply it?
Ah. Apparently, you apply HeadOn directly to the forehead. Apparently, you apply HeadOn directly to the forehead. Apparently, you apply HeadOn directly to the forehead.
Sorry about that - just annoyed myself a little bit there. But I bring this up because there is shocking - shocking - news in the Post today regarding this product. According to the Post blurb, HeadOn does not effectively treat headaches. At all. Isn't that surprising? And not only does it not work - the active ingredient could be dangerous. It's not even supposed to come in contact with human skin!
Man. I thought that swabbing one's head with "a giant tube of ChapStick," as the Post puts it, would be a sure-fire headache cure. It just looks like it's going to work. Hell, that thing could cure cancer, I thought.
But no. HeadOn - it's just snake oil. HeadOn - it's just snake oil. HeadOn - it's just snake oil.
Hyperlinks:
- Buy HeadOn - Apply Directly to Forehead for Migraine Relief [Drugstore.com]
- Head Rub [Washington Post]
- HeadOn Headache Product Potentially Dangerous [The Daily Headache]
Technorati tags: HeadOn, headaches, migraines, Medicine, Science, humor, scams
Sorry about that - just annoyed myself a little bit there. But I bring this up because there is shocking - shocking - news in the Post today regarding this product. According to the Post blurb, HeadOn does not effectively treat headaches. At all. Isn't that surprising? And not only does it not work - the active ingredient could be dangerous. It's not even supposed to come in contact with human skin!
Man. I thought that swabbing one's head with "a giant tube of ChapStick," as the Post puts it, would be a sure-fire headache cure. It just looks like it's going to work. Hell, that thing could cure cancer, I thought.
But no. HeadOn - it's just snake oil. HeadOn - it's just snake oil. HeadOn - it's just snake oil.
Hyperlinks:
- Buy HeadOn - Apply Directly to Forehead for Migraine Relief [Drugstore.com]
- Head Rub [Washington Post]
- HeadOn Headache Product Potentially Dangerous [The Daily Headache]
Technorati tags: HeadOn, headaches, migraines, Medicine, Science, humor, scams
Friday, September 22, 2006
I think Summer Sanders is asexually procreating...not that I'm complaining
Have you noticed this phenomenon? Frightening and alarming, to be sure. So don't look now, and don't make any sudden movements, but Summer's Spawn are all around you. BEWARE!
Summer Sanders. Or, as I call her, The Mother Pod.
Primary offspring Bonnie Bernstein
ESPN brings in Erin Andrews...and the march of the hot asexual clones continues unabated!
For the latest and hottest Summer Sanders clone prototype, codename "Jill Wagner", the time has come to branch out from the world of sports and infiltrate the larger society. "You've got to put Mercury on your list!" she cries. With a side, perhaps, "Jill," of FREAKY SCIENCE GONE AWRY???
Summer Sanders. Or, as I call her, The Mother Pod.
Primary offspring Bonnie Bernstein
ESPN brings in Erin Andrews...and the march of the hot asexual clones continues unabated!
For the latest and hottest Summer Sanders clone prototype, codename "Jill Wagner", the time has come to branch out from the world of sports and infiltrate the larger society. "You've got to put Mercury on your list!" she cries. With a side, perhaps, "Jill," of FREAKY SCIENCE GONE AWRY???
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Son? Sorry to break it to you, but you're part macaca!
In a strange twist on one of the strangest stories of this political election season, Virginia Senator George Allen, who is running for re-election, recently heard from his 83-year-old mother that he is, in fact, part North African Jew.
"Oh my God," Allen reportedly said upon receiving the news. "You mean...you mean to tell me...that I...George Allen...am part macaca????"
"Yes, I am afraid it is true," said Mrs. Allen, who decided to shield their children from the terrible truth of their macaca heritage for decades and decades. "But I feel much better having told you. And at least now, you can use this piece of information to try and demonstrate to voters that, when you called that little brown macaca a macaca, that in a way, you were calling him a brother! You were saluting one of your own, and expressing solidarity with him!"
"Yes, I think you may be right, mother," Allen responded. "Secretary whatever-your-name-is? Get the Post on the phone! I'm leaking this like a pregnant woman after a night of macaca food!"
So congratulations, Senator. Feel free to start peppering your stump speeches with "oye vey"s and "a kine hora"s and "the last time I visited my homeland of Africa" stories at your leisure. And oh, by the way...L'shana tova, senator. I hope the new year finds you well. You'll have to tell us all about your long, authentic, and very sincere observance as soon as you are back at work next week.
Hyperlinks:
- Allen's Mother Revealed Jewish Heritage to Him Last Month [Washington Post]
- Senator Jethro, or whatever your name is, I don't think I like you [No One Appreciates Me]
Technorati tags: George Allen, 2006 Races, Politics, Macaca
"Oh my God," Allen reportedly said upon receiving the news. "You mean...you mean to tell me...that I...George Allen...am part macaca????"
"Yes, I am afraid it is true," said Mrs. Allen, who decided to shield their children from the terrible truth of their macaca heritage for decades and decades. "But I feel much better having told you. And at least now, you can use this piece of information to try and demonstrate to voters that, when you called that little brown macaca a macaca, that in a way, you were calling him a brother! You were saluting one of your own, and expressing solidarity with him!"
"Yes, I think you may be right, mother," Allen responded. "Secretary whatever-your-name-is? Get the Post on the phone! I'm leaking this like a pregnant woman after a night of macaca food!"
So congratulations, Senator. Feel free to start peppering your stump speeches with "oye vey"s and "a kine hora"s and "the last time I visited my homeland of Africa" stories at your leisure. And oh, by the way...L'shana tova, senator. I hope the new year finds you well. You'll have to tell us all about your long, authentic, and very sincere observance as soon as you are back at work next week.
Hyperlinks:
- Allen's Mother Revealed Jewish Heritage to Him Last Month [Washington Post]
- Senator Jethro, or whatever your name is, I don't think I like you [No One Appreciates Me]
Technorati tags: George Allen, 2006 Races, Politics, Macaca
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I, too, am disappointed by this military coup
President Bush today said he was "disappointed" by the miliary coup in Thailand. Let me take this opportunity to say for the record that I, too, am disappointed by this move to take over that nation. Why, not only am I disappointed, I am...well, I'm chagrined! I'm cornswaggled!
It's like this morning. I went to make a cup of coffee, and there was no low-calorie sweetener left in the bucket. What a disappointing turn of events! Then, on top of that, the maid told me she couldn't get the caviar stain out of my cummerbund. "I am very disappointed in you, Rosmerta," I said. And if all of that wasn't enough, I then find out about this bloodshed in the streets of Bangkok, and that, too, disappointed me. It's just been one of those days. Hey, I know what I'll do to perk myself up...I'll go out for Thai food.
It's like this morning. I went to make a cup of coffee, and there was no low-calorie sweetener left in the bucket. What a disappointing turn of events! Then, on top of that, the maid told me she couldn't get the caviar stain out of my cummerbund. "I am very disappointed in you, Rosmerta," I said. And if all of that wasn't enough, I then find out about this bloodshed in the streets of Bangkok, and that, too, disappointed me. It's just been one of those days. Hey, I know what I'll do to perk myself up...I'll go out for Thai food.
The following football announcer phrases are hereby banned:
The following phrases are inane and overused by football announcers, and are thus banished to the cosmos:
1) "Bounce it to the outside"
2) "Terrell Owens"
2) "That pass had some mustard on it"
3) "This is what it's all about"
4) "They have some road graders on that offensive line"
5) "This team is struggling as of late"
6) "I talked to so-and-so yesterday"
7) "They have some real horses up front"
8) "They just don't have the horses up front"
9) "put the ball on the ground"
10) "So-and-so is really gonna hear about that one in the film room next week."
11) "I love Brett Favre. Sexually."
Technorati tags: football, football announcers, media, sports media
1) "Bounce it to the outside"
2) "Terrell Owens"
2) "That pass had some mustard on it"
3) "This is what it's all about"
4) "They have some road graders on that offensive line"
5) "This team is struggling as of late"
6) "I talked to so-and-so yesterday"
7) "They have some real horses up front"
8) "They just don't have the horses up front"
9) "put the ball on the ground"
10) "So-and-so is really gonna hear about that one in the film room next week."
11) "I love Brett Favre. Sexually."
Technorati tags: football, football announcers, media, sports media
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
NBC helping me feel slightly less jealous of friends with HBO
I'm not normally much for TV shows. Not to say I don't watch TV, because everyone watches TV. Want to spot a pretentious liar? Ask someone if they watch TV, and if they say "no," you've got your liar. But for the most part, I'm more of a sports watcher than a show watcher.
Anyway, I watched the premiere of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip last night on NBC, and what can I say, I loved it. Matthew Perry and Brad Whitford are a good foundation, Amanda Peet is smoking hot, and there seems to be fertile ground for comedy, drama, and social commentary (which, unlike the rest of the world, I think is actually a good thing). The Post review was fairly negative, but I disagree. Tom Shales said it was "more ho-hum than ho-ho," but I noticed that rather than go directly for laughs, the show tried to do things like "develop the characters" and "establish the story" in this first episode. Maybe the first episode isn't the best place to do that? Hey, I'm no high-salary TV critic.
Also this week is the season premiere of The Office, also on NBC (I'll take that payment in cash, thanks, NBC). This is probably my favorite show on TV right now. Hilarious, believable, relatable, and affecting. What more could you want? Plus, with Jim confessing his feelings for Pam, I haven't been this emotionally involved in a romantic subplot since Kevin Arnold wooed Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years. Couldya die?
So it should be good. Hey, with the way football season is shaping up so far, I could use some new TV diversions.
Hyperlinks:
- Not Live! Not From New York! It's 'Studio 60'... [Washington Post]
- The Office [NBC]
- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip [NBC]
Technorati tags: Television, TV, Entertainment, The Office, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, NBC
Anyway, I watched the premiere of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip last night on NBC, and what can I say, I loved it. Matthew Perry and Brad Whitford are a good foundation, Amanda Peet is smoking hot, and there seems to be fertile ground for comedy, drama, and social commentary (which, unlike the rest of the world, I think is actually a good thing). The Post review was fairly negative, but I disagree. Tom Shales said it was "more ho-hum than ho-ho," but I noticed that rather than go directly for laughs, the show tried to do things like "develop the characters" and "establish the story" in this first episode. Maybe the first episode isn't the best place to do that? Hey, I'm no high-salary TV critic.
Also this week is the season premiere of The Office, also on NBC (I'll take that payment in cash, thanks, NBC). This is probably my favorite show on TV right now. Hilarious, believable, relatable, and affecting. What more could you want? Plus, with Jim confessing his feelings for Pam, I haven't been this emotionally involved in a romantic subplot since Kevin Arnold wooed Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years. Couldya die?
So it should be good. Hey, with the way football season is shaping up so far, I could use some new TV diversions.
Hyperlinks:
- Not Live! Not From New York! It's 'Studio 60'... [Washington Post]
- The Office [NBC]
- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip [NBC]
Technorati tags: Television, TV, Entertainment, The Office, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, NBC
Monday, September 18, 2006
Mark Brunell, you're on notice
Once again, I'm stealing from Stephen Colbert. But again, with good reason. Mark Brunell, I'll get to you in a second. First, I have some semi-self-congratulatory news. Remember my Redskins post last week? In it I predicted:
Redskins History in Pictures: The Brunell Years.
In his quote, Moss was defending Brunell's 197 yard, zero touchdown, one interception performance. And the stats are actually BETTER than what actually happened. Let's go to the play-by-play game breakdown. Here we see that 112 of his 197 yards came in the fourth quarter, when the game was already out of reach. So for the portion of the game that was actually contested, Brunell threw for 85 yards. Eight. Fiver. He underthrew, overthrew, couldn't avoid pressure, missed open guys, and generally looked uncomfortable in the offense. Does that about sum it up? Oh, wait, there's also the fact that he can't throw a football 30 yards. The only one he threw more than 20 actually sprouted wings and started quacking in midair. If only the ball had migrated out of the stadium. Alas, it was intercepted at the goalline to kill any remaining Skins momentum. Ball game.
Unleash the Mark Brunell Deep Ball!
Redskins drop the first two games...Players and coaches shrug and make comments along the lines of "I don't know how to explain it, we're such a talented group," and "we're staying positive."In today's Post article on last night's loss to Dallas, we read:
Nobody in the Washington Redskins' locker room knew how to explain why they were heading home winless..."I'm still confident. I'm confident in everything we're doing," said wide receiver Santana Moss.Once again, my wizarding abilities have shone through. But anyway, judging by Moss's constant head-shaking on the field last night, I'll assume he was kind of sort of lying about his feelings on the Skins QB play, which was dismal and abysmal. And that is why, Mr. Brunell, you are on notice.
Redskins History in Pictures: The Brunell Years.
In his quote, Moss was defending Brunell's 197 yard, zero touchdown, one interception performance. And the stats are actually BETTER than what actually happened. Let's go to the play-by-play game breakdown. Here we see that 112 of his 197 yards came in the fourth quarter, when the game was already out of reach. So for the portion of the game that was actually contested, Brunell threw for 85 yards. Eight. Fiver. He underthrew, overthrew, couldn't avoid pressure, missed open guys, and generally looked uncomfortable in the offense. Does that about sum it up? Oh, wait, there's also the fact that he can't throw a football 30 yards. The only one he threw more than 20 actually sprouted wings and started quacking in midair. If only the ball had migrated out of the stadium. Alas, it was intercepted at the goalline to kill any remaining Skins momentum. Ball game.
Unleash the Mark Brunell Deep Ball!
But of course, no quarterback change is coming. This could be because Gibbs and Brunell are brothers in the Christian Right whose on-field relationship hinges on more than what actually happens on the field. Or, it could be that we don't have other options. Todd Collins, anyone? I love the drink that bears his name. Wait, that's a Tom Collins. Okay, so Todd Collins has nothing going for him. And (alleged) QB-of-the-future Jason Campbell hasn't exactly wowed anyone.
So for now, we're stuck with this completely washed-up guy trying to convince himself he can still handle things. It's like watching an old person on their first day as a grocery store clerk, and the line is 10 deep, and some guy is insisting that shredded coconut is not technically a taxable item in this county, and a woman just started slapping her kid, and the manager is on break, and the UPC scanner just broke.
I know it's not all Brunell's fault. The O-line sucked, the secondary was repeatedly burned, and they're still without Clinton Portis. Still, a lot of it is on Brunell. His NFL career is D-U-N, done. You know it, I know it, the Redskins' opponents know it, the American people know it. The sooner something -- anything -- is done to fix it, the better. But the first step, Redskins, is admitting you have a problem.
Hyperlinks:
- Texas Toast [Washington Post]
- In burgundy, simply undressed [Washington Times]
- God Squad - Joe Gibbs, the Washington Redskiks, Mark Brunell, Champions for Christ, etc. [Washington City Paper]
Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington Redskins, NFL, sports
Friday, September 15, 2006
Bush: We don't want to "rewrite" the Geneva Conventions. We just want to rewrite them.
Facing a schism in his own party, and with midterm elections looming, Bush is plugging his idea for a law that would "clarify" part of the Geneva Conventions articles, so that America could continue to jail and interrogate terror suspects without access to lawyers, a day in court, the ability to review the evidence against them, etc.
And I say, have at it, Bush. Screw the fact that the world (well, the civilized part of it, anyway) has used the Geneva Conventions as a way of humanely dealing with war prisoners and such since the end of World War II. It took Bush's razor-sharp eye for legislative and regulatory details to finally reveal this ambiguity in the statutes. Good lookin out, George. After all, a man once said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
Bush has read the Geneva Conventions through 15 times.
And he has found a point in need of clarification.
Never mind that John McCain opposes this Bush proposal. McCain was only held and tortured in Vietnam for, what, five years? Now take that, and compare it to Bush's military legacy. Go ahead - compare. I'll wait. Okay, welcome back. Also, never mind that Colin Powell (*coughpussycough*) and some four-star Army general with 46 years of service (*coughgeezercough*) are opposing Bush on the grounds that America should continue to "uphold the values it was founded on," and other mealy-mouthed crap like that. You can't kowtow to these freedom lovers, Bush. After all, you've got our freedom to think about.
Hyperlinks:
- Bush Pushes for Terror Legislation [Washington Post]
- The GOP Split on Bush [Washington Post]
- Reference Guide to the Geneva Conventions [Society of Professional Journalists]
- General Powell Opposes Bush Tribunals [Chicago Tribune]
Technorati tags: News, Bush, Politics, tribunals
(photo credit: Dennis Cook - AP)
And I say, have at it, Bush. Screw the fact that the world (well, the civilized part of it, anyway) has used the Geneva Conventions as a way of humanely dealing with war prisoners and such since the end of World War II. It took Bush's razor-sharp eye for legislative and regulatory details to finally reveal this ambiguity in the statutes. Good lookin out, George. After all, a man once said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
Bush has read the Geneva Conventions through 15 times.
And he has found a point in need of clarification.
Never mind that John McCain opposes this Bush proposal. McCain was only held and tortured in Vietnam for, what, five years? Now take that, and compare it to Bush's military legacy. Go ahead - compare. I'll wait. Okay, welcome back. Also, never mind that Colin Powell (*coughpussycough*) and some four-star Army general with 46 years of service (*coughgeezercough*) are opposing Bush on the grounds that America should continue to "uphold the values it was founded on," and other mealy-mouthed crap like that. You can't kowtow to these freedom lovers, Bush. After all, you've got our freedom to think about.
Hyperlinks:
- Bush Pushes for Terror Legislation [Washington Post]
- The GOP Split on Bush [Washington Post]
- Reference Guide to the Geneva Conventions [Society of Professional Journalists]
- General Powell Opposes Bush Tribunals [Chicago Tribune]
Technorati tags: News, Bush, Politics, tribunals
(photo credit: Dennis Cook - AP)
Maryland football...it's craptastic!
During the first quarter of last night's manhandling of my alma mater Maryland Terrapins by the West Virginia Mountaineers, I got a little nostalgic. Because I couldn't help but harken back to my own years on campus, when the Maryland football team -- featuring such luminaries as Ken Mastrole at QB and, er, a bunch of other scrubby guys -- was really bad.
Remember that gimmick play where we
fumble the kickoff? Well now's the time
to use it. NOW!! ARE YOU READY!!
It just goes to show -- the more things change, the more they stay the same. Ahhhh, yes.
All night, the Terps looked like they were moving through water while the Mounties ran circles around them. Particularly tailback Steve Slaton, who rushed for 195 and two touches. This is kind of funny (and by "funny," I mean "maddening"), but Slaton actually wanted to go to Maryland. Terps coach Ralph Friedgen passed on Slaton because he had already signed so many other backs (one of whom didn't qualify academically and never played a down for the Terps). This amid rumblings that Friedgen has fallen behind in the ACC recruiting battle. Ah, to be a fly on the wall for that decision. I bet it went something like this:
Scout: Well, this kid Slaton, he's fast as all hell, he's a good kid, and he grew up wanting to play for Maryland.
Friedgen: Nah, I think we're good with Lance Ball, thanks. I really like the way he stops running and braces his body before he makes contact with the line.
Scout: I don't know, Fridge...
Friedgen: Scout, let me ask you a question. Who just appeared in an Under Armour commercial?
Scout: Coach, I--
Friedgen: WHO JUST APPEARED IN AN UNDER ARMOUR COMMERCIAL?!?!?
Scout: You, coach.
Friedgen: WHAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!
Scout: YOU, coach!
Friedgen: Thank you. Now go sign Lance Ball. And be quick about it - I don't want Northeastern Delaware Technical College swooping in there and snapping him up.
Okay, I'm sure it was more complicated than that, and it's easy to pick on someone in hindsight. I still love the Fridge, too, and West Virginia is a legitimately tough team this year. But come on -- what a bad miss on Slaton, and an all-around turtle egg laying under the glare of the ESPN lights last night. Between the Terps and the Redskins, not shaping up as yet to be a good football season around the NOAM household.
(P.S. Big ups to Aaron...the wife said she saw you on the TV last night.)
Hyperlinks:
- Terps Cooked in Fifteen Minutes [Washington Post]
- Friedgen: He missed on Slaton [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
Technorati tags: Terps, Maryland, football, sports, Mountaineers
Remember that gimmick play where we
fumble the kickoff? Well now's the time
to use it. NOW!! ARE YOU READY!!
It just goes to show -- the more things change, the more they stay the same. Ahhhh, yes.
All night, the Terps looked like they were moving through water while the Mounties ran circles around them. Particularly tailback Steve Slaton, who rushed for 195 and two touches. This is kind of funny (and by "funny," I mean "maddening"), but Slaton actually wanted to go to Maryland. Terps coach Ralph Friedgen passed on Slaton because he had already signed so many other backs (one of whom didn't qualify academically and never played a down for the Terps). This amid rumblings that Friedgen has fallen behind in the ACC recruiting battle. Ah, to be a fly on the wall for that decision. I bet it went something like this:
Scout: Well, this kid Slaton, he's fast as all hell, he's a good kid, and he grew up wanting to play for Maryland.
Friedgen: Nah, I think we're good with Lance Ball, thanks. I really like the way he stops running and braces his body before he makes contact with the line.
Scout: I don't know, Fridge...
Friedgen: Scout, let me ask you a question. Who just appeared in an Under Armour commercial?
Scout: Coach, I--
Friedgen: WHO JUST APPEARED IN AN UNDER ARMOUR COMMERCIAL?!?!?
Scout: You, coach.
Friedgen: WHAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!
Scout: YOU, coach!
Friedgen: Thank you. Now go sign Lance Ball. And be quick about it - I don't want Northeastern Delaware Technical College swooping in there and snapping him up.
Okay, I'm sure it was more complicated than that, and it's easy to pick on someone in hindsight. I still love the Fridge, too, and West Virginia is a legitimately tough team this year. But come on -- what a bad miss on Slaton, and an all-around turtle egg laying under the glare of the ESPN lights last night. Between the Terps and the Redskins, not shaping up as yet to be a good football season around the NOAM household.
(P.S. Big ups to Aaron...the wife said she saw you on the TV last night.)
Hyperlinks:
- Terps Cooked in Fifteen Minutes [Washington Post]
- Friedgen: He missed on Slaton [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
Technorati tags: Terps, Maryland, football, sports, Mountaineers
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