Who want to applaud Mutombo?!?!?

Anyone catch the State of the Union address last night? Anyone? Crickets? Crickets?

Well, you didn't miss a whole lot. Although the geek in me says this is an interesting time to be in Washington, the biggest part of the evening came at the end of the speech. Literally. (Thank you! Hey, try the salmon.)


WHO WANT TO GIVE ME HUMANITARIAN RECOGNITION?!?!?!

As for the politics, Bush took a defensive crouch this time around, unmemorably rehashing all his usual talking points, only this time, he was holding this beaten-up hobo hat. Kind of a nice touch. He asked for people to give his Iraq plan a chance, which, if public opinion is any indication, he will not get. A showdown will be brewing over this all year, probably coming to a head in the fall.

The only other thing he said that was of any interest was his energy proposal - using a variety of means to cut gasoline consumption by 20 percent over the next decade. Seems decent enough. Congress could use this as a basis for legislation, pass a few other related measures, then just continue to amass evidence of climate change, let other groups take the lead, and wait for a more eco-friendly president to try and pass sweeping reforms.

But in the end, NBA baller Dikembe Mutombo stole the show, being honored for his humanitarian efforts in his native Congo, where brutal war and gorilla eating are rampant. Way to go, Dikembe. It was actually a pretty nice moment. Now if only you could get people to stop making age jokes and sex you. It will be interesting to see how it all pans out.

Hyperlinks:
- Bush Urges Congress, Nation To Give His Iraq Plan a Chance [Washington Post]
- Bush Seeks To Revise Legacy [Washington Post]
- CEOs Urge Bush to Limit Greenhouse Gas Emissions [Washington Post]
- California Climate Change Portal [State of California]
- Mutombo Stands Tall with Bush [Houston Chronicle]
- Rebels Kill, Eat Endangered Mountain Gorillas [CNN]
- Same Old Story: Mutombo Tired of Age Jokes [ESPN]

Technorati tags: bush, Dikembe Mutombo, politics

(Photo credit: Linda Davidson, Washington Post)

On Garrison Keillor, who I fancy to be just slightly above irrelevant

I know Garrison Keillor's not reading this. Because it's on that wacky, wacky thing called the Internet. And according to one of his recent columns, the Internet is just not cool. So he's here to give us a little education in cool (thank God). And the lesson is: People should read more newspapers.

The ultimate in cool, Keillor instructs us, is Cary Grant and Spencer Tracy, who both, er, read newspapers, or whatever. And if 70-year-old professional storyteller Garrison Keillor says it's the ultimate in cool, then it totally is.

But now, Mr. Keillor laments, The Golden Age of Cool, which was so famously marked by the reading of newspapers, is going to pot because of the Internet. Particularly Myspace, which Keillor dubbs "the encyclopedia of the pathetic." Astute observation, Mr. Keillor. I am sure that all 100 million Myspace profiles belong to losers. And even if a lot of them do, were there no losers back in the good old days? Just because they didn't have the ability to make a Myspace page, or were more prone to read a newspaper, doesn't mean they didn't exist. But in any case, Keillor goes on to condescendingly explain how to properly unfold, open, and read a newspaper. Such brilliant curmudgeonly wit! Any chance you once had some difficult walks to school in the winter, Mr. Keillor? Some uphill walks? If you did, I really want to hear about them.

I agree with him to a point. Newspapers should be read more. And readership has been in serious decline. (Although that decline halted recently.) But here's a little tidbit I'm going to clue you in on, Mr. Keillor. Keep this under your fedora. Most newspapers are actually available for free (you can appreciate free right? Having grown up in the Depression?) on the Internet. So those "people" in the coffee shops who so greviously offend you by surfing the Web may have been saving money. Probably just to waste it on drugs or spray paint or penny whistles, but still.

And I know it's not the same when you can't smell the ink and wrinkle the pages. And I am truly sorry for all that. Or I woud be, except for the fact that that entire argument is entirely dumb. Change is scary, but I'm afraid this little Internet thing is kind of catching on. So how about a grumpy topic that's actually pertinent? Why do they have to put those pickle jar lids on so tight? Why can't the 7-11 hire someone who speaks English? Why must the teens insist on walking through your lawn? It's a big world out there, with lots to bitch about. Keeping dinosaurs on life support so you can stay in your comfort zone isn't one of them.

Hyperlinks:
- Garrison Keillor: Newspapers Give Us Style All Our Own [Chicago Tribune]
- US: Decline in newspaper readership halts [Editors Weblog]

Technorati tags: Garrison Keillor, media, Myspace

Peyton Manning: A Rainbow of Emotions

Did you know that people said Peyton Manning couldn't win the big one? No, it's true. There was some talk. But yesterday that subject line closed when the Colts finally, and thankfully, beat the soporific Patriots to reach the Super Bowl. It was a great game, with Manning turning in a gutty performance. However, not everyone is a Peyton fan. Aside from the aforementioned knock, there is a feeling that Peyton only seems affable (or human) when he is reading from a script to sell you telephones or credit cards.

But as Indianapolis celebrates, I'm here to show you that Peyton does, indeed, show a full spectrum of emotions, just like us regular folks. So without further ado, I bring you Peyton: A Rainbow of Emotions.


Dejected.


Frustrated.


Defeated.


Annoyed.


Frustrated.


Saddened.


Miffed.


Irked.


Inspired.


Confident.


Happy.


Jubilant.

Congratulations, Peyton! We can't wait to see your Super Bowl celebration in two weeks! Best of luck to you, sir.

Hyperlink:
- Manning finally wins big one, leads Colts to Super Bowl [ESPN]
- Manning, Colts in Super Bowl [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Peyton Manning, Super Bowl, Emotions

(Photo credits: AP, Indianapolis Star, Getty Images)

Recap of The Office: "The Return"

After a couple of really hilarious episodes, this one was a bit of a market correction. I felt like the production team took a step back and decided they needed to advance the plot a little bit, as opposed to focusing on a truly funny episode. But that's okay. You gotta do that sometimes.

The main development is that Dwight is back with Dunder Mifflin after a short stint working at Staples. There was one scene where he accosts some poor old woman to see what she needs, she responds "just looking, thanks," and he says "I'll be literally standing right here. If you need anything. At all." And he spreads his feet apart, crosses his arms, and fixes her with his beady little glare. But at the same time, there are indications he's a good salesman. How does that work? Not only would I not buy anything from him, I'd report him to the manager. It's mystifying.

Anyway, Andy (the guy who helped push Dwight out) is getting on everyone's nerves, and is stalking Michael all over the office and beyond. Michael is getting increasingly irritated, and I can sympathize. Andy is the one character I can actually compare to someone I worked with. I shared an office with this guy who just would never stop talking. Just a constant diarrhea of dirty jokes, yakking about sports, talking (and asking) about really personal stuff, etc. You asked him what time it was, you got a five-minute answer. When he ran out of things to say to you, he started talking or singing to himself, or -- and I am not making this up -- making noises with his mouth. And he was like 36 years old! It was a constant stream. Sometimes, I would tell him, point blank, to please stop talking, and that I was very busy. But he couldn't do it. He'd be like "yeah, dude, I can stop talking, I can totally do that for you, man, I got you covered, I'm all over it, you can count on me, zip the lips, zippin em up, here we go with the zipping, zzzzzzzzzz, can you hear it?, zzzzzzzzzz" and so on. We actually became pretty close -- he wasn't evil like Andy -- but still. I can relate.

Anyway, so yes, Dwight returns (hence the episode name, I guess), Michael getting fed up with Andy, and Karen finally confronted Jim about Pam, with Jim admitting he still has feelings for Pam. And Oscar's back! Another return. All of these things needed to happen, so whatever. Not a side-splitting episode, but par for the course.

Hyperlink:
- The Office [NBC]

Technorati tags: The Office, television

Top Chef show has some top shelf talent

From the Credit Where It's Due Department: I like where the Bravo network's head is at with their successful reality show Top Chef, where chefs vie for the ultimate prize, blah blah blah. First, I like it because they stole this idea from under the Food Network's nose. (And where you at, Food Network? Too busy developing another show about where to find inexpensive hamburgers in the Fort Worth area? Sparkling. I'll deal with Food Network in more detail another time.) But more importantly, they recognized a cooking show appeals more to the ladies than the menfolk, so they sexed it up, with some sassy (and sexy) sexpots designed to suck you into the sex vortex, also known as the TV. Behold!



Meet season one host Katie Lee Joel. Not bad, huh? And this isn't even a great photo of her -- this girl is smokin. And not only is she smokin, but she's probably drinkin, too, as she's married to famous singer and Hamptons town drunk Billy Joel. (That's a pretty funny mental picture, by the way. Billy Joel singing "New York State of Mind" for nickles outside The Blue Parrot. Good times.) When it comes to women, some guys have all the luck. Am I right Billy? Isn't that one of your songs? Or was that another one of your contemporaries? It doesn't matter. To me, Billy, you'll always be Forever Young. See, there I go again! But I shouldn't hate too much. Your wife is gorgeous, and I bet she didn't even know you were famous! She left the show after season one for some reason, but here's hoping she'll develop other projects in the future.

Now...moving on to the season two host. Behold I say!



Her name is Padma Lakshmi. Padma enjoys modeling and exploiting her looks as part of a brand-building effort (there are TONS of pictures of her on the Internets -- look if you want, but I'm not going to be a party to your smut-dredging, thanks). And she once had a show on the Food Network that they stopped airing (another bullseye for the Food Network!). And as a capper, she's married to Salman Rushdie, the famous writer and fugitive from the law of the Koran! Whaaa? I can't believe two young, hot, intelligent women are both married to rich and famous guys. That's just weird.

Anyway, ups to Bravo and to Top Chef. They really know how to run a network over there. Way to score the talent! The male demographic thanks you.

Hyperlinks:
- Top Chef [Bravo]
- Padma Lakshmi Official Web site

Technorati tags: Bravo, Top Chef, Padma Lakshmi, Food Network

In 50 years we'll all have plenty of sand to stick our heads in

Well, well, well. Look who's it at it again. None other than that caterwauling collection of commies known as the National Academies of Science, who announced earlier this week that budget cuts to NASA earth science programs are seriously endangering global climate change study, with the Bush Administration designating more of NASA's budget for a manned Mars mission. And the Washington Post -- coughliberalragcough -- is still bitching about it today.



The usual suspects -- I spit on you!

This is just the kind of thing that makes me want to shoot these messengers square in their double-sided mouths. Because this is a matter of priorities, people. Priorities. After all, what is more important to you -- Earth science, or Mars science? Are you staying on Earth with your witchcrafting buddies, or are you coming to Mars with the Bush administration? Think about that for a second.

But before you think about that, think about this: I hear they have mighty fruit trees on Mars the size of smokestacks, and instead of water, the rivers are filled with chicken fries! The Mars mission will make us all believe again. And who doesn't want that? (communists.)

Plus, the less we hear about global warming, the better. Hey, I'm no scientician. I just want to go to work, eat cheeseburgers, and watch My Super Sweet 16 in HDTV. Is that so wrong? All those activists and leaders need to leave me alone -- let's see Congress take action and bother us all with this when there's no more NASA data to cite! And we're on Mars! See how it all comes around?

What, you actually listen to so-called "experts" like this guy, who say a manned Mars mission is next to impossible with current technology? Sounds like a certain communist should take it easy on the sauce, eh? And what the hell is JPL anyway? Not impressed.

Anyway, *if* our planet ever becomes a desert, we'll be on Mars, eating chicken fries straight from the rivers. Right? And then you'll be sorry, National Academies of Science and cohorts. But meanwhile, leave this guy out of it. I have more important things to worry about.

Hyperlinks:
- National Academies of Science
- Cutbacks Impede Climate Studies [Washington Post]
- Editorial: Martian Logic [Washington Post]
- Global Warming Comes to DC [San Francisco Chronicle]
- Why 2040 is the earliest NASA can hope to send humans to the Red Planet [The Space Review]

Technorati tags: climate change, Bush, NASA, Global Warming, humor, I hate liberals

And the Terps roller coaster continues

After that big win against Clemson, Maryland goes on the road and gets worked -- worked -- by the Virginia Cavaliers. They were thoroughly, thoroughly outplayed as the Cavs executed their game plan to perfection.

The Cavs wanted to use the speed of their two all-conference-level guards, Sean Singletary and J.R. Reynolds, to drive the ball past the defense and draw fouls. And it worked. For most of the first half, the Terps could not stay in front of the Cavs defensively, leading to massive foul trouble. Did we make any adjustments? Eh, not really. We kept trying to press them even though they kept tearing through it like wet Kleenex. I'm a huge Gary Williams fan, but are there chinks appearing in his once-shining armor?


Hey, J.R., I'm gonna paw at
you as you go by. Is that cool?

The Terps made a run at the end of the first half, but it was not enough. Much like last year (and, to one extent or another, several previous years), the Terps only seem able to get into a groove when the pressure is off. No one expected much from them against Clemson, so they win. Everyone expected them to keep it rolling against 9-6 Virginia, so they lose. If this trend holds, they'll probably beat Va. Tech this weekend, lose to Wake, give Carolina a serious scare but lose in the end (they just don't have the firepower), and so on and so forth.

And once again, it was the seniors leading the way, for better or worse. Ekene Ibekwe had a great hustle-type game, but still seems to think he is a shooter. Again, where is Gary Williams? If Ibekwe shoots or dribbles and is more than five feet from the basket, he should be yanked, period. He cannot be allowed to continue doing that. And just as with Miami, D.J. Strawberry was not able to step up as the team leader he seems to want to be. And Mike Jones just doesn't have the moxie. Gary should find a way to genetically meld those two players. Mike's scoring with D.J.'s defense and assertiveness. Get on that, Gary. Of course, once the game was out of reach in the second half, they couldn't be stopped. Mike Jones went on a sweet stat-padding run from three-point land and shot without a conscience. Strawberry came up with the steals he wasn't quite able to come up with when it mattered. And of course, there was Ibekwe, throwing it down and hanging on the rim as they cut the lead to 12. Same old, same old.

Hey, I still like this team a ton better than last year's, and the young guys -- Vasquez in particular -- are still showing flashes as they develop on the fly. I still hold out hope they can make the tourney, but it looks like this maddening roller coaster isn't going to end this season. Goterps.

Hyperlink:
- Terps Fall Behind, then U-Va. Holds On [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Maryland basketball

(Photo credit: UVA athletic department)

Am I excited about American Idol?

So I've been watching American Idol ever since the first season. In fact, I don't think I've missed an episode in three years. It's one of the few shows my wife and I can watch together. Last season, I came down with a serious case of the McPheever. I cheered as America rose up to kick Chris Daughtry out of the competition. And I grew very emotional as Taylor Hicks gave some of the greatest performances ever by a disabled person, evenutally winning the whole thing, both for himself and for special needs people everywhere.


Soul Patrol, Soul Patrol, yaaaay!!!!!!

But now, as the show enters its sixth season tonight amid much fanfare, I'm not sure if I have another run in me. It's a big freaking investment! You sit through all the audition episodes, which range from highly entertaining to gruelingly tedious (sometimes it feels like it I'm the one rotting away in those hotel lobbies for all those hours), then the scene shifts to Hollywood, then there's the final 12. One day, you look up and it's Memorial Day weekend, and the three increasingly insufferable judges have shepherded the country toward another mediocre talent who is just attractive enough to avoid outright ugliness, and who you would probably openly mock if you saw them performing that Barry Manilow/Elvis Presley/Air Supply medley in the corner dive bar.


Oh, Paula -- can't you wait until six?

All in all, it's a good, clean, relatively harmless show. It's a televised singing contest! But on the other hand, I think the show, which wasn't exactly brilliant to begin with, is slowly getting stupider. And I think it may be sucking people down with it. Will I watch? Yeah, probably. But maybe I'll have one eye in a book this season.

Hyperlinks:
- Is there any limit for "American Idol"? [CNN]
- Lucky Dawg! Life is good for Randy Jackson [Boston Herald]
- Simon Cowell calls Bob Dylan "boring" [The Huffington Post]
- Paula Abdul visibly intoxicated in Seattle TV interview [YouTube]

Technorati tags: American Idol

Oh my gosh - I can't believe I won a Golden Globe!

What. Me? I won? Noooo. For real? I won!?!?!?! Oh my gooooosssssshhh! Oh! My! Gosh! I am just stunned right now. I can't believe I won! This is just such a shock. Oh my gosh. I am so stunned.

I am just in awe of the other nominees. I mean, total awe. I watch Grey's Anatomy, like, every week, so just to be nominated with Ellen Pompeo is like a dream, just an absolute dream, not to mention all the other nominees, who are all so talented. Scarily talented. Freakishly talented.

I want to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press, of course, who have always been so kind to me throughout my career. Oh my gosh, I just assumed I wasn't going to win, so I didn't make a speech, oh my gosh, so I'm sooooo sorry if I forget anyone. I want to thank my other brilliant cast members, I love you guys, hey, we did it! I want to thank my director Larry Bilgewater, who is just so enormously gifted behind the camera, smooches, Larry, you are like a God! Without him I wouldn't look nearly as good as I do. I mean acting wise. I am gorgeous and will alway be so I didn't mean like my actual looks. Oh my gosh, I want to thank the writing team I never talk to, you nerds are geniuses. To my lawyer Ira Silverstein, my agent Hyman Goldberg, and the president of our network, Mr. Arthur Candlestone III, who was behind us from day one, and I mean day one, thank you SO MUCH.

What else, what else, oh yes. Ernest Hemingway once wrote (or at least, I understand from an annotated quote book that he once wrote) that "the world is a fine place, and worth fighting for." And that is so true. But you know what's even more truer? That we, the people in this room, are all fighters. Each and every one of us. We are fighters, like, for the whole world. We go out there and change the world one episode at a time. We have been called upon by a higher power to be beacons of light to regular people, and we should never, ever forget that.

[Wild Applause]

Yes. Oh, the music is coming on, I've gone on too long, sorry, guys, but thank you, thank you all, thank you SO MUCH! Oh, my husband! Oh my gosh, I can't believe I forgot to thank my beautiful, darling husband Chad, thank you so much for your support and for not being jealous, you're going to find work again in this town I swear it! Thanks to Bill, Jerry, Jason, Susie, Angela, my publicist Rena, my personal assistant Chloe, my stylist Lance, my chef Jacques, um, Simon, um, Daniel, um, Barry, Jill, Dylan, Paris, Vicki, Vincent, Eric, Stanley, and to anyone else I forgot, this one's for you, oh my gosh, thank you thank you THANK YOOOOOUAIIYYYEEEE!!!

Hyperlink:
- Dreamgirls, Babel Are Best [L.A. Times]

Technorati tags: Golden Globes

Tara Conner's kinda awesome

Late does not even begin to cover my delinquency on this. But I felt an overwhelming need to acknowledge for the record that disgraced-Miss-USA-who-somehow-convinced-Donald-Trump-to-let-her-keep-the-crown-I-have-no-idea-what-she-could-have-done-to-convince-him Tara Conner is a total knockout. Good God!



I don't normally go for the blonde Barbie types, but Tara Conner is a 10. A perfect ten. She is a ten. I don't care if she's a drunken slutty airhead. When you are in the 0.1 percent of the population that looks this good, you don't even need to be potty trained. You don't have to go out in the daytime. You don't even have to chew your own food. Isn't that exciting, Tara?



I know, Tara, that's right. It's just outstanding. Anyway, thank you for letting me enrich the record, and hey, have a nice weekend out there.

Hyperlink:
- Trump to Miss USA: You're Not Fired [CNN.com]

A Los Angeles soccer team with pretty boys on it? Now I've seen everything.

So megastar, icon, model, international brand, and occasional soccer player David Beckham finally decided it proper to hop his jumblies over the old pond and play a spot of football for the States, eh? Jolly good! Just one question: is he bringing that weirdo art video of him sleeping? I sure hope so. The weirder I can be made to feel about art, the better.


Blokes! Does me new tattoo match me wristband?

But overall, can you believe this? What are the odds David Beckham would wind up in L.A., playing with fellow pretty boy (but bigger douche) Landon Donovan? And that his mammoth $250 million contract already includes endorsements? That's a little presumptuous, to assume David Beckham will do endorsements. I wonder if he'd plug the College Basketball Video Championship Series presented by Meow Mix. Here's hoping. In any case, David I look forward to screaming at you when you come to play United. Beware The Black Hole! Of soccer. You see, here we call "football" "soccer," David. I know, I know, Bob's yer uncle! And we call "American football" just "football." Still with me? And instead of saying "Becks" we say "David Beckham." You've got a lot to learn, my friend.

Hyperlinks:
- A Pair of Stars, an L.A. sky, a happy Galaxy [L.A. Times]
- Sleeping Beckham makes art debut [BBC]
- Landon Donovan is, how do you say, a douchebag [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: David Beckham, MLS, L.A. Galaxy, D.C. United

The Office recap: "Traveling Salesmen"

Ahhhh, another money episode of The Office! Call this show butter, because it's on a roll, baby. Know what I'm saying? Dare I say, The Office is en fuego, which I believe is Portugese for "The Office is money."

This episode, titled "Traveling Salesmen," was good because it allowed some of the more out-there characters to come back to reality a little bit--yet another mark of this show's intelligence. As you may know, I was worried Dwight in particular was getting a little weird. So what does he do this week? He uses the weirdness to his advantage, nailing a sales call with Jim, and then after a misunderstanding with Michael (who also had a pretty "serious" episode), quitting(!) rather than embarrass Angela by revealing their relationship, as well as a work mistake she made. Se l'amor, no? Which I believe is Portugese for "fuckin awesome."

Dwight's misunderstanding with Michael was enabled by Andrew, the Stamford transfer who seems to be slowly wearing out his welcome but who in the meantime was intent on pushing Dwight out to get in better with Michael. Speaking of Stamford transfers, fellow Stamfordite Karen finally found out that Jim had a little thing for Pam. She apparently only just now found this out because she is deaf, blind, and stupid. Karen, I have a book recommendation for you, girlfriend. It's called He's Just Not That Into You. You feel me now, girl? Yeah, I know you're fictional and all, but puh-leeze. What does Jim have to do, Karen? Wear a T-shirt to work that says "I don't like Karen?" Oh, wait, that wouldn't work. With the blindness and what have you. Sorry about that, I forgot. Good luck with your disability.

In any case, when Dwight returns in glory to smite his enemies (and this WILL be glorious), it'll be curtains for Andy, and Karen won't be far behind. Then next season, we'll be back to normal. A regular tabula rosa for hijinx. Which I think is Latin for "fertile ground for hijinx." Huzzah, I say. Huzzah.

Hyperlink:
- The Office [NBC]

Technorati tags: The Office, NBC

Bush: Look, kids! Big Ben! Parliament!

Bush's speech last night acknowledged some mistakes. He took a wrong exit, okay? So what's the solution? Floor it!

And I say, word up, cuz. So what if the public doesn't support you? They're not the boss of you! Right? So you show them who's boss! Who's The Decider? Louder now. Louder! Abizaid! I can't hear you in the back!


We're almost there, kids! I can feel it.
So shut the hell up!

And so what if the Democrats are setting you up on a tee? You've escaped their evil clutches before (besides, they have girly grips). And after all, they don't know about your secret contingency plan -- reading their mail. So fair warning, Nancy and John and Steny and Ike and all you others. If your cable bill should unfortunately not turn up this month, leading to an unfortunate service interruption, don't come crying to The Decider. Savvy?

So there you have it. Support the troops, watch out for your mail. It's a two-pronged plan. Now if you will excuse me, I seem to be stuck in quicksand. I'll just be a moment as I pull my legs and arms out with my face. Later, hoss.

Hyperlinks:
- Bush To Add 20,000 More Troops In An Effort To Stabilize Iraq [Washington Post]
- Democrats Aim to Block Funds for Plan [Washington Post]
- Poll: Most Americans Opposed to Bush's Iraq Strategy [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Bush, Iraq

Maryland Whimpers to 0-2 ACC Start

Hey, nice job, Terps. I know it's still early, and there is plenty of season left, but come on. Losing at home to Miami? I thought that kind of thing was behind them. They looked hungry at the beginning of the season. But that was against University of Missouri-Kansas City. In this game, they looked, well, scared. And no disrespect to Miami, but they should have been a speed bump. Especially at home. But we always seem to fall victim to those scrappy, nothing-to-lose clubs. Like Miami. And oh, I don't know, Clemson. You know, that undefeated team Maryland plays this weekend? That oughta be fun.

Overall, the game was ugly with a capital UG. All the bigs were tentative (as evidenced by their being outrebounded 55-41, and it didn't feel that close), and there was a lid on the basket. But despite all that, I think the biggest disappointment was guard D.J. Strawberry. Strawberry can't seem to turn down an opportunity to talk about what a leader he is and how he will take them back to the tournament, but was completely invisible. Way to walk your talk, buddy.

Here's hoping they turn it around. They have to. Do you hear me? You HAVE to make the tourney this year. My sanity depends on it. Seriously.

Hyperlinks:
- Terrapins Come Up Small Versus Canes [Washington Post]
- Strawberry Stirs Maryland's Senior Class [Annapolis Capital]
- Terps Ride Strawberry Into ACC [Washington Post Express]
- Terps Taking Cues From Strawberry [Washington Examiner]

What? Travis Garrison didn't go to Maryland. Who's Travis Garrison?

As the meat of Maryland's basketball season begins tonight when Miami comes to Comcast Center, it should be a time of excitement. And it is. But only because of other Maryland news--former Terp baller Travis Garrison avoided jail time.

If you'll recall, Garrison was arrested for hitting a woman in a bar. Not only did he avoid jail time, he avoided being registered as a sex offender as well. Woo-Hoo! So that's good news. Thanks to the leniency, Garrison helps preserve the Maryland basketball team's no-registered-sex-offender streak. Hey, don't scoff at that. That's a good streak. I would say he kept the team's noone-in-prison streak alive, too. But, you know, there's Lonny Baxter.

So embarrassment has been avoided--at least, off the court. On the court, the torrent of Garrison-related embarrassment continues. He somehow conned the CBA's Great Falls (the ones in Montana, not Maryland and Virginia) Explorers into giving him a contract. That is one proud basketball state.


Garrison (fourth from right, the one shrinking away from the play)
helps carry on the tradition of Montana basketball.

But I have to give the Explorers props. I wouldn't give Travis Garrison a contract if I was the coach in Teen Wolf and just found out Boof gave Jason Bateman the clap.

Why? Because Travis Garrison is a bitch. Those are the ones who hit women - the bitches. And his play backed it up. He was a bitch! A bitch! Bitch! Ah, that feels good. Whenever anyone is playing at Maryland, it's verboten in some goody-two-shoes circles to disparage "the kids." Hey, man, be nice! He wears the Maryland uniform! And he's just a kid. Stop throwing that women's lingerie at him! Well, he doesn't wear the uniform anymore now, does he? Travis, I am disowning you. I disavow any knowledge of your time at Maryland. It never happened. And if you don't believe me, check the NCAA March Madness rosters. Do I see your name anywhere on that, Travis? Yeah, no. I rest my case.

Hyperlinks:
- Judge Tapers Garrison's Sentence [Washington Post]
- Terrapins Are On Guard Against Miami [Washington Post]
- Baxter Receives Amazingly Quick Justice [Deadspin]
- Great Falls Explorers [CBA]

Technorati tags: Travis Garrison, Maryland basketball, bitches, Great Falls Explorers

Presenting the brand new College Basketball Championship Series presented by Meow Mix

After Florida's thrilling 41-14 upset of highly favored Ohio State in the Tostitos BCS National Championship Game, I think it is evident that the time is right. Now is the time for the NCAA to institute a BCS-style championship system for all its sports. This system is infallible, as evidenced by this great game. Right? So let's start with the biggest one of all - basketball. If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say "March Madness sucks," I'd be rich. Like, John Ratzenberger rich.

Right now, the basketball final would be North Carolina versus Florida in the basketball championship. Who doesn't want that? It would be so awesome. In fact, let's take this BCS idea one step further. Let's settle it on the video game field. Got a problem with that? A problem with video games? Sounds a little fruity to me. Not to mention terroristy.


Your college basketball championship highlight of the day.

So what if Boise State feels gyped in football? When's the next time you're going to Idaho? Yeah, that's what I thought. Argument over. But just to be thorough in my rhetorical crushing, do you know what more games would do to the money I mean academic scheduling and conference structure? Particularly the former, which big-time college athletic programs have sworn to uphold?

So go back to Russia with your playoff system, Boris. It's a new era, and basketball is next up in the not-settling-championships-on-the-field revolution. Number One versus Number Two in video games. All we need now is a sponsor, you say? Way ahead of you, partner. They were beating down my door. That's right -- all the big ones. Hydrox cookies, Simply Soda (that has a great ring to it, huh? The Simply Soda Basketball Championship Video Game Series. Alas, we just couldn't get the numbers to square), Tandy, and that company that makes the drinking bird. But in the end, I went with an industry leader. A product with a brand so strong, customers ask for it by name. Yes. I went with Meow Mix. Or, as I like to call it, The Michael Jordan Of Cat Food. And I couldn't be happier. So welcome to your future, basketball fans. It's the NCAA Basketball Video Championship Series presented by Meow Mix. Fasten your seatbelts! It's gonna be quite a ride.

Hyperlinks:
- In the Desert, Gator Raid [Washington Post]
- Broncos should be number one, say some [Idaho Statesman]
- After Much Debate, College Football's Postseason Future Is Still Cloudy [New York Times]

Technorati tags: College football, College basketball, Florida Gators, BCS

Oh. Boy. NFL playoffs, Patriots win, zzzzzzzz....

Well, it seems to me that the NFL season up to this point has been, how do you say, excruciatingly boring. Parity is all well and good, but when 24 of the 32 teams are mediocre (9-7 or worse), combined with the poor quality of play (only the Chargers are a complete team, and not even they are a juggernaut), you've got a crappy product. It's almost like the salary cap, scheduling, and other parity-encouraging plans repressed opportunity rather than engendering it.

So with all that in mind, it's silly that all the sites today are proclaiming what a great weekend it was, with ESPN.com calling it "wild", and other sites following suit. One can argue (fairly easily) that the wildness was due not to great teams one-upping each other, but rather bad teams one-downing each other, with end zone fumbles, botched snaps, uninspired play, pure dumb luck, etc.

Perhaps the emblem of this NFL season was the New England Patriots' victory yesterday, 37-16, over the Jets. Not because the Pats played poorly, but because they embody everything this season was. If it's possible for a team to be both great and mediocre, it's the New England Patriots.


Football fans prepare for another great
Patriots playoff run.

Because even arguably the league's best team is totally uninspiring. They can beat anybody, they can lose to anybody, and they have no style in the process. People should stop saying the Pats are now definitely going all the way. Hey, when Chad Pennington, Leon Washington, and Jerricho Cotchery are the main opposing skill players, I'm not going to get that excited about your victory. Period at the end of that sentence. I'll definitely hand it to the Pats, though -- they played well. But at no time did I find myself thinking "wow, what a great team," or "I really don't want the last three hours of my life back." Although I can totally see them winning the whole thing by default.

I'll acknowledge that I'd generally rather see an underdog win, that the Pats' incredibly impressive run may have numbed me to their greatness, and blah blah blah. But I'm also tired of people saying "it may not be pretty, but you have to love the Patriots." Well....why? Why, exactly, do I have to love the Patriots? I'm not writing a term paper on football strategy. I'm just trying to be entertained for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon. I want to say "whoa, what a play!" Not, "wow, this game plan is sublime." After all, what do I care? I work hard all week, and I like to be entertained over the weekend. Is that too much to ask? I can't just enjoy sports on TV, now I've got to "appreciate" it? In the words of Aristotle, fuck that.

As Belichick and other high-horse coaches are so quick to point out, fans like me are stupid, and don't understand the extremely complex nuances of this game of football, which apparently is on par with quantum physics in degree of difficulty. So I'm going to root accordingly. Patriots, you're a warm bowl of pablum. You are parity personified. You are the anti-Phoenix Suns of professional American sports. And I hope your season goes the way of the dinosaur.

Hyperlinks:
- NFL regular season standings [ESPN.com]
- Cowboys Fall Short on Romo's Mistake [Dallas Morning News]
- Dumb Plays from Start to Finished [NY Daily News]
- Don't Try to Understand it, Just Chalk it Up to Karma [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]
- Belichick Has 7-2 Record Against MVPs [ESPN.com]

Technorati tags: Football, NFL, New England Patriots

Mr. President, you're not supposed to tell people you're opening their mail

A couple days ago, the NY Daily News reported that the president quietly announced Dec. 20, as everyone was focused on the holidays, that he was giving himself the power to open and read people's mail. No, seriously.

I see a big mistake here. Namely, George, what were you thinking by blabbing this to everybody? There's going to be hearings and crap now! Why not just do what every other red-blooded American shady mail-opener does and do it on the sly? Liberty, schmiberty. Principles, schminciples. Do you want to be a shady mail-opening fuck, or don't you? That's what I thought. So let's get serious, huh?

Now. The first thing you need to do is wait in the bushes for the mailman. Bring a sandwich - they're slow.


Shhhh! Here he comes, George! Be quiet!

After they drop it off, wait for them to leave, snag some mail out of the box, and carry it off to the privacy of your own home. (Okay, you may have compromised the privacy of homes with the warantless surveillance and what not, but bear with me. It's just a saying.) Now, when you get the letters back, just boil some water in a teapot, hold the letter over the steam, and voila! You don't even have to tear the envelope! Just steam it open, read or steal the contents, seal it back up, and you're home free! No need to "pass" a "law" to do that. Just do it!

Hyperlink:
- W Pushes Envelope on U.S. Spying [NY Daily News]

Technorati tags: bush, U.S. Postal Service, humor, mail theft

Hey, Nancy. Why are you voting for Vince Carter for the All-Star game?

We need another term for "bandwagon" when it comes to Gilbert Arenas. How about "Swagwagon?" Or "Spaceship?" Sweet. I'm grabbing me a seat.



And today, I see that the latest All-Star game voting returns are in, and Gilbert is the third-highest vote getter among Eastern Conference guards. First is D-Wade. Okay, fine, whatever. But Vince Carter second? Whaaaa? He's still alive? Let's step away from the brink, shall we?

Wait, what's that? You think Vince is better? Because of that dunk contest he won like 14 years ago? Have you watched any games since then, or this season? No? You're just a passing-fancy fan who likes Vince's dunks and thinks he's kinda cute in those Gatorade commercials?

Fair enough, Nancy. Just for you, why don't we take a look at the numbers? In scoring, Gilbert is third in the league with 30.3. Vince is 11th with 25.4. That's five whole points per game more, Nance. Gilbert also has more than two assists per game more than Vince and also tops him in steals, three-point percentage, free-throw percentage, and minutes per game. If you don't know yet, you need to wake up. Gilbert Arenas is your father.

Vince leads Gilbert in rebounds with 5.9 to 4.5, but he's got three inches on him and Gilbert doesn't play in the block. Vince leads in field goal percentage by a measly .08 of a point, so that's basically a tie. But perhaps most importantly, Vince leads Gilbert in bitch-outs. Is that what you're most interested in? You like diva guys who pout on the bench? Well, can't argue with that. They don't keep a stat on it, but Vince has like eleventy million bitch-outs. He's a mail-it-in sucker, and this travesty has to end. In the meantime, I'll be in my spaceship. Correction. Gilbert's spaceship.

Hyperlink:
- NBA All-Star Balloting Third Returns Announced [NBA.com]

Technorati tags: Gilbert Arenas, Vince Carter, NBA All-Star Game

The Office recap: "Back From Vacation"

Yes! I think last night's episode, titled "Back From Vacation," was the best of the season so far. I'm not gonna lie - it tickled my funny bone.

Michael returns from Jamaica with a single Rasta bead in his hair, like he tried to get dreaded but that was all they could manage. That sight gag, which no character mentioned, is one of those hilarious little things that takes The Office to the next level. Once Michael gets re-settled, it takes him about 15 seconds to spill the beans that boss lady Jan accompanied him on the trip. And they slept in the same room. At night. And had sex. With each other.

Of course, Michael's bud Packer doesn't believe him (with good reason -- Jan is hot. What gives, I say? Why does idiot Michael get to ball his smoking hot boss in Jamaica? It's a wonder, is what it is. But more on that later.)


Jan could not be more out of Michael's league.

Anyway, Michael has a hot (HOT!) photo of him rubbing oil on a very scantily clad Jan (it had to be a body double, and if not I'm VERY impressed -- did I mention I think Jan is hot?), and e-mails it to Packer. But wait! He accidentally sends it to "Packaging" instead. E-mail forwarded, plastered across bathroom, Michael razzed for hitting "the corporate booty," etc. Hijinx, I tells ya. Zany hijinx.

Meanwhile, Jim and hot (but getting less hot with each episode for some reason) Karen are fighting, and Pam for some reason intervenes and convinces Jim to relent, and basically resolves their fight for them. Later, the camera catches Pam crying alone in the hallway. At which point, Dwight actually has a funny scene as he tries to console/hit on her. Hey, welcome back to sanity, Dwight! His first remotely plausible (and amusing) scene all season, I think. Whenever he stops acting like some kind of shell-shocked Full Metal Jacket extra and starts acting more like a real person, he gets funnier by leaps and bounds.

I also liked this turn between Jim and Pam. Could it be that a sitcom romance is actually, you know, complicated? Just like in, you know, real life? I think people my age are conditioned to the Ross-Rachel-style romance, where one was always dating someone else, they were mad at each other, etc. Come to think of it, Friends had funny moments, but it was a pretty stupid show. Congrats to me for figuring that out.

At the end of the show, Jan shows up to confront Michael for leaking the photo and getting them both in trouble. Or so I thought. It turns out Jan is there to explain her feelings for Michael. It turns out she has "self-destructive tendencies," and her therapist thinks she should indulge them with Michael, to whom she is attracted. See there? I knew it! Only psychological problems could have explained that away. This episode would have been much worse if they hadn't offered this exact explanation. Bravo. In the end, Jan tells Michael "I want to be with you," to which Michael responds "and I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. " As they leave, he tells her "you complete me." Outstanding. I keep waiting for him to throw up on himself during a make-out session or something.

So there you have it. Best episode of the season. Keep it rolling. You complete me, The Office. You complete me.

Hyperlink:
- The Office [NBC]

Technorati tags: The Office, NBC

A very special guest post featuring Bill Walton

Throw it DOWN, big man, throw it DOWN! Ah, friends and countrymen, before I begin this my first guest post of the still fledgling NBA season, I would like to extend heartfelt wishes for a happy new year to all of you out there in what I call cyberspace. You are warriors of the counterculture, and for that, I salute you.

But on to a different kind of warrior -- the glorious sun-warriors of the hardwood.

Today, I think I -- and all of us, as a global community -- would be remiss if we did not take a moment to honor Planet Earth's current number one basketball warrior, Washington's Wizard Gilbert Arenas. After his recent string of mesmerizing performances, including a masterful 60-point explosion against the Lakers and last night's stirring last-second conquering of the Milwaukee Buccaneers that contained a lot of phenomenal swag, I think it is safe to say, without hyperbole, that Gilbert Arenas is not only the MVP of the NBA, but is, and always will be, the MVP of all humanity.

Oh, I hear you talking, Marv. You favor The Big German, Dirk Nowitzki, or The Manchild LeBron James. Both beautiful gladiators in their own right, I will grant you, but come on. What are you theenkeen? Compared to Arenas, they remind me of the body stains that graced my bedsheets after a night of debauchery in my old UCLA days (please don't tell my old legendary Coach John Wooden, who remains a close personal friend of mine). For Gilbert has every tool to make any day a good one, of sunshine. He can step out and pop the long-range jump shot. He can penetrate to create bounce passes and rebounds for himself and his teammates among the tall trees, and he can elevate over them all to THROW IT DOWN against the bigger man, proving once again that is the biggest man -- of them all -- in the National Basketball Association, and the world. There is talk of so-called eccentricity, but I embrace those who march to the beat of their own drum, as I have done, quite literally, for all these many years, especially as a guest drummer for the Grateful Dead, the most important band in music history.

But that is another story for another day. Ever since Jerry Garcia and others of his ilk departed this earthly plain so long ago, we as a population have yearned for a new savior. And after Mighty Arenas carries his Warlocks to glory, the world will know their new messiah is come. And until next time, this is Bill Walton, reminding you to throw it DOWN, big fella. THROW IT DOOOOOWWWWWN!!!!!!!

Hyperlinks:
- My Sleek Personal Home Page [BillWalton.com]
- Arenas's Timing Is Impeccable in Victory [Washington Post]
- Agent Zero Goes for 60 [ESPN.com]
- Arenas Apologizes for Team USA vent, thins air in house [ESPN.com]
- "My Swag Was Phenomenal" [D.C. Sports Bog]

Technorati tags: Wizards, Bill Walton, Gilbert Arenas, Humor

Redskins strategery: Where have I heard this before?

So the Skins are once again attempting to pick up the pieces after another of the failed seasons which have become all too common in the past decade. And everyone knows that the biggest move they need to make is to get a real general manager. Everyone, that is, except for, you know, the team decision makers.

But anyway, there's one thing the Redskins Gibbs-Cerrato-Snyder braintrust knows how to do. Throw out a bunch of platitudes, talk out of both sides of your mouth, then stay the wrong course, throw money at your problems, and take the people who pay your salaries for granted.

Hmmm...sounds familiar. Wait, now I get it. It's the George W. Bush style of leadership! In a recent interview, Gibbs said he was going to talk to Snyder about the team's future, and was "willing to talk about anything." So, will you talk about hiring a real general manager, or maybe changing your approach to team-building?

Of course not! In the very same interview, Gibbs said it would be "incorrect" to expect changes in those things. So which is it, coach? Are you really going to examine everything, or are these just empty platitudes to keep the fans hopeful?

Well, here's one decidedly non-hopeful fan. And until they get a GM, they're not getting any of my money. For tickets, gear, or anything else. I know, I know, I'm just a peon. But still. Sorry for the "serious" post...I just needed to purge. So here goes. RedskinsBLAAAAAGGGGH! YAAAAAAARGH! RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU GUYS SOOOOO MUUUUUUUCH BLLLLUUUUUURRRRRRAAAAAAAACCCCCCCGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

(P.S., this story in the Post says everything just about perfectly. At least the Redskins' problems are an open secret to everyone else. Doesn't that kind of qualify them as a laughing stock? Anyway, it's part of the Post's loooong series on the Redskins and their problems called "The Lost Season." That's the risk of failing in Washington -- we will Watergate your ass with a five-part expose. Suck on that, jerks.)

Hyperlinks:
- Redskins Biggest Need? How About A General Manager [Associated Press]
- Problems at the Core [Washington Post]

Technorati tags: Redskins, Joe Gibbs, Daniel Snyder

Welcome back to That's Not A Word!

Thank you, thanks very much, and welcome to this episode of "That's Not A Word!" Let's get right to the game today, and welcome our very special contestant. Can you guess who he is? It might surprise you that today is his first time with us on TNAW -- none other than the president of these United States, Mr. George W. Bush.


Hey now. All my words are words. Savvy?

Mr. President, this morning you attended the funeral of former president Gerald Ford. After you had finished looking smug and bored throughout Tom Brokaw's address (a very surprising and uncharacteristic range of emotions for you, we must say), you came up and delivered a euology of your own. While the eulogy itself was actually pretty decent, you at one point noted that, after an assasination attempt, Ford refused to "curktail" his public appearances.

Mr. President, we went to the dictionary. We combed your executive orders to deduce whether you had unilaterally created a condition called "curktailing." And after this research, we have only one thing to day. And that is congratulations, Mr. President. That's Not A Word!

But now that you've won here on the TNAW stage, the real challenge is your prize. What to give to a man who has everything? Well, we combed the vaults, Mr. President, and we found something -- a copy of My Pet Goat on audiotape! Get literacy out of your life forever, Mr. President, with books on tape. You'll receive a new one in the mail each week! We signed you up for the club.

So please enjoy, Mr. President, and we'll see YOU next time on That's Not A Word!

Hyperlink:
- Washington bids Ford farewell [CNN]
- Previous episode of That's Not A Word! [No One Appreciates Me]

Technorati tags: Gerald Ford, Bush, humor, game shows

Ford funeral paying HUGE dividends

First and foremost, let me take this opportunity to welcome myself back to my blog. You want to know something? You know what? I kind of missed my little corner of the Internet. I mean, the corner may be shrinking a little now because there are just so many more voices out there. How many blogs are there now anyway? It’s got to be like two or three hundred. Amazing.

Anyway, here's hoping people are making the best of this first-day-back day. After an outstanding Christmas and New Year's, it's tough to get it going today - it's personally probably my least favorite day on the Gregorian calendar. But this year, I got a little gift that's making this day a little more tolerable. Because you see, I don't have to work today. All thanks to a certain former president who passed out of this life at just the right time. For me. So you know what I say? I say huzzah for you, Gerald Ford. Huzzah.

If you live or work in the District of Columbia, you know that on the day of a presidential funeral, many offices close as a day of mourning or (more often than not) simply because the many road closings for the procession make the day almost impossibly difficult to navigate for a lot of commuters. So there you have it. Now of course, I'm sad that Gerald Ford died, and I actually think he was a solid president. My thoughts and condolences, etc., are with his family (and I know that means a lot to them). But as the nation gives him the grand send-off he so richly deserves for attaining a status only attained by 42 other men in the history of the world, why not give some people the day off for it? I know it has increased my fondess for him. Maybe I'll watch The Price is Right in his honor. Mr. President, this slice of cold pizza and this next game of Plinko is for you.

Hyperlinks:
- Nation Honors Ford [Washington Post]
- Local Closings for Ford Funeral [Washington Post]
- I hate these back-to-reality days [No One Appreciates Me]