Mr. President, you're not supposed to tell people you're opening their mail

A couple days ago, the NY Daily News reported that the president quietly announced Dec. 20, as everyone was focused on the holidays, that he was giving himself the power to open and read people's mail. No, seriously.

I see a big mistake here. Namely, George, what were you thinking by blabbing this to everybody? There's going to be hearings and crap now! Why not just do what every other red-blooded American shady mail-opener does and do it on the sly? Liberty, schmiberty. Principles, schminciples. Do you want to be a shady mail-opening fuck, or don't you? That's what I thought. So let's get serious, huh?

Now. The first thing you need to do is wait in the bushes for the mailman. Bring a sandwich - they're slow.


Shhhh! Here he comes, George! Be quiet!

After they drop it off, wait for them to leave, snag some mail out of the box, and carry it off to the privacy of your own home. (Okay, you may have compromised the privacy of homes with the warantless surveillance and what not, but bear with me. It's just a saying.) Now, when you get the letters back, just boil some water in a teapot, hold the letter over the steam, and voila! You don't even have to tear the envelope! Just steam it open, read or steal the contents, seal it back up, and you're home free! No need to "pass" a "law" to do that. Just do it!

Hyperlink:
- W Pushes Envelope on U.S. Spying [NY Daily News]

Technorati tags: bush, U.S. Postal Service, humor, mail theft