Welcome, welcome. Yes, it's that time. Time to play "That's Not A Word!" Today's contestant is Chris Berman, ESPN personality and host of "NFL PrimeTime presented by Miller Lite." More on Chris in a minute. But now, let's play! At the beginning of last night's program, Berman, while discussing Detroit Lions quarterback Jeff Garcia's contribution to a rare Lions win, said he was not ready to "canyonize" Garcia yet. We here at "That's Not A Word!" went to the dictionary--and not no pocket collegiate mofo neither, a big, serious hardcover joint--to look up "canyonize." And, DingDingDingDingDingDing!!! "Canyonize" is not a word! We found "canonize," meaning "to declare a deceased person to be a saint and entitled to be fully honored." Perhaps that is what you meant. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Chris. So therefore, Chris Berman, you are our big winner! And heeere's your big prize--six months of copy-editing undergraduate term papers at beautiful Arizona State University! You should be proud of yourself, Berman. Thanks to one and all for playing, and we'll see you next time on "That's Not A Word!"
Now that the game is over, let me just say that Chris Berman drives me nuts. I'm not the kind of person who makes fun of the sportscasters no matter who they are. Like every profession, there are people who are great at what they do, there are mediocre people, and there are people where you wonder how the hell they got that job. Berman for the most part is in the middle skills-wise, but his personality just could not be more irritating to me. All the stupid nicknames, the serially outdated pop culture references, the awful, not-fooling-anybody combover, and of course, the wild, manic hand gestures. Sometimes it seems like he is trying to swat away a swarm of angry bumblebees. Sometimes I half expect him to, in the middle of talking about how Brett Favre should run for president, start yelling "Oh no! There are angry bumblebees in the studio! And I cannot seem to swat them away! We'll be back after these messages from Miller 'Turn On Your Heart' Lite!" Maybe the bumblebees are mad at him for being so annoying. Anyway, have a great Monday. I'm sure there will be more on Berman later.
P.S. Congrats to the Skins yesterday on their 52-17 dismantling of the San Francisco 49ers. San Fran is terrible, but a big win is a big win. It really looked like the Skins exorcised some demons on the field, kind of like a guy who hasn't hooked up in two years, and then one night breaks through in a huge way with some wild escapade, like a threesome or some such. And maybe they aren't the most glamorous girls in the world, but they will more than suffice to give the guy a boost of confidence and mojo. Hopefully that will be true of the Skins. But probably not.
(Photo Credit: dantesz)