Monday, October 24, 2005

Welcome to the inaugural episode of "That's Not A Word!"

Welcome, welcome. Yes, it's that time. Time to play "That's Not A Word!" Today's contestant is Chris Berman, ESPN personality and host of "NFL PrimeTime presented by Miller Lite." More on Chris in a minute. But now, let's play! At the beginning of last night's program, Berman, while discussing Detroit Lions quarterback Jeff Garcia's contribution to a rare Lions win, said he was not ready to "canyonize" Garcia yet. We here at "That's Not A Word!" went to the dictionary--and not no pocket collegiate mofo neither, a big, serious hardcover joint--to look up "canyonize." And, DingDingDingDingDingDing!!! "Canyonize" is not a word! We found "canonize," meaning "to declare a deceased person to be a saint and entitled to be fully honored." Perhaps that is what you meant. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Chris. So therefore, Chris Berman, you are our big winner! And heeere's your big prize--six months of copy-editing undergraduate term papers at beautiful Arizona State University! You should be proud of yourself, Berman. Thanks to one and all for playing, and we'll see you next time on "That's Not A Word!"

Now that the game is over, let me just say that Chris Berman drives me nuts. I'm not the kind of person who makes fun of the sportscasters no matter who they are. Like every profession, there are people who are great at what they do, there are mediocre people, and there are people where you wonder how the hell they got that job. Berman for the most part is in the middle skills-wise, but his personality just could not be more irritating to me. All the stupid nicknames, the serially outdated pop culture references, the awful, not-fooling-anybody combover, and of course, the wild, manic hand gestures. Sometimes it seems like he is trying to swat away a swarm of angry bumblebees. Sometimes I half expect him to, in the middle of talking about how Brett Favre should run for president, start yelling "Oh no! There are angry bumblebees in the studio! And I cannot seem to swat them away! We'll be back after these messages from Miller 'Turn On Your Heart' Lite!" Maybe the bumblebees are mad at him for being so annoying. Anyway, have a great Monday. I'm sure there will be more on Berman later.

P.S. Congrats to the Skins yesterday on their 52-17 dismantling of the San Francisco 49ers. San Fran is terrible, but a big win is a big win. It really looked like the Skins exorcised some demons on the field, kind of like a guy who hasn't hooked up in two years, and then one night breaks through in a huge way with some wild escapade, like a threesome or some such. And maybe they aren't the most glamorous girls in the world, but they will more than suffice to give the guy a boost of confidence and mojo. Hopefully that will be true of the Skins. But probably not.


(Photo Credit: dantesz)

3 comments:

Town E. Dispatch said...

be nice to chris berman, he's "special". i am of the opinion that when sports fans get to hell they are forced to watch and eternity of games called by joe theisman and tim mccarver. it's enough to make a man cut out his eardrums with a fork.

(my other two cents - mike patrick (west virginian!) is the best play by play guy on tv)

m. soladay said...

Hey Scott!

I've been enjoying reading your blog. It's prompted at least two rather loud snickers per read. My co-workers must think I have serious adenoid problems.

Question o' the day: Any thoughts on today's (10/25/05) Washington Post story, "Girl, 8, Credited With Year's First Bear Kill"?

Clearly this issue has it all: Children killing woodland creatures. The Humane Society blaming Gov. Bob Ehrlich. Commentary on the closing gender gap in bear killings. It's ripe for your comment. :-)

TTYL. Hi to the missus.

MSH said...

I just read the article...pretty wacky stuff! But judging by the photo, if you put 20 eight-year-old girls in a lineup and told me to pick the one most likely to shoot a bear, I'd probably have picked that one. No offense to her - she just looks like a good bear hunter. Umm, moving on, who has "a shock of light brown hair," as the girl was described in the story? To me, that's a little like saying "her sweatshirt was a startling shade of gray." Anyway, glad you're liking the blog! Come back and see us again real soon.

And Town e., I agree with you on Mike Patrick. Although he has a few phrases he relies on a little too much. I was actually going to blog about this some time soon...