Blogger Silence

Due to a work convention, I'll be away from the blog for the next two weeks, returning Monday November 6 to resume the drollery. In the meantime, please feel free to plumb my archives. Because it just feels good. Via con Dios.

Is this "Game 7" you speak of some kind of new lottery ticket?

Heard just a little tiny bit of talk about last night's Game 7 between the Mets and Cardinals, with a trip to the World Series on the line. All joking aside, with the exception of March Madness and maybe the World Cup, it really doesn't get any more [insert cliche here] than a Game 7.

I'll leave additional dissection and philosophizing to the experts. I think the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Bryan Burwell said it best when he said:

So what does a Game 7 feel like? Just like this, frightening and delightful. Maddening and joyful. Frustrating and breathless all rolled into one.

Right. It was poetry in motion, a Michaelangelo painting, the Greatest Game Ever Played, etc. Okay, we've established that. No one will remember much of the game in a month after the Tigers have swept the Cardinals out and Terrell Owens has his next sideline hissy-fit, but no matter. One thing everyone will remember, undoubtedly, was that Endy Chavez catch. The very same Endy Chavez who was kicked off the Nationals because he had no work ethic and couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Eh, whatever.


Whoa...did I actually catch it?

The catch was unbelievable though. Other than maybe a lottery drawing, there aren't many places outside of sports where you can watch a person make themselves millions of dollars in the span of four or five seconds, as Chavez did. Pretty good. Hope you enjoy your new contract prospects from the comfort of your couch.

I'm not sure who to root for in the World Series...I got no interest whatsoever in either team. Both are a good story, I guess. So maybe I'll just root for a good, clean series. Sportsmanship will be my battle cry!

Hyperlinks:
- Mets Finish in Unhappy Endy [NY Daily News]
- Burwell: Game 7 is just what a Game 7 should be [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

Technorati tags: baseball, World Series, Mets, Cardinals

Bush, U.S.A.: Masters of the Universe!

News today that President Bush is changing the direction of America's space policy to focus more on national defense. According to the Post article, his plan "asserts a right to deny access to space to anyone 'hostile to U.S. interests.'"


Whose flag is this, bitch?

So we own space now. Huzzah! I think this change in policy is long overdue. Fuck the cooperative spirit of the International Space Station. Fuck it in the ear! And fuck these high-fallutin notions of "exploration" and "science." You heard the president, all you snot-nosed nerds out there. And Lance Bass, if you think your homo ass still has a shot at a space flight, think again, boy. We don't need your kind in space -- access denied!

The U.S. absolutely has the right to cut space of from anyone we deem hostile to us. Why? Because SHUT THE HELL UP, that's why! That's OUR empty expanse up there. Savvy? And I see absolutely no downside to this. In fact, let's take it a step further. Let's deny North Korea access to oxygen. Don't let us catch you North Koreans breathing down there, or else we're talking sanctions, or at least a sternly worded statement with your name on it, punks! I also think we should deny access to the ocean -- you know, just because. Space may be the final frontier for war and crap, but it's the first frontier for yet another bold new stroke of Bush administration policy. And I welcome it.

Hyperlinks:
- Bush Sets Defense As Space Priority [Washington Post]
- International Space Station [NASA]

Technorati tags: Bush, space, News, NASA, Science, crazy, humor, America

Hands of Steele

Well, the elections are heating up, and in Maryland's Senate race, Republican Michael Steele is the current underdog against Democrat Ben Cardin.

In such a staunchly blue state, that's to be expected. But as a black man, Steele feels he can tip the scales by winning the black vote. So as a way to boost street cred and woo black voters, Steele recruited a few celebrities to help out. So who did he find?

Don King and Mike Tyson. Yes, that's right. And I say, darn straight. Whoever gets the nod from the convicted felon and would-be woman fighter with the face tatoo and the unconvicted felon who sacrificed an entire sport to his own greed, well, I'm going that way, too.


Vote Michael Steele, or I eat your children!

While I wonder if there was some kind of hair-related shipping mix-up with King and Al Sharpton, King is on the stump.

"You want no pie in the sky when you die, you want something sound on the ground when you're around. A vote for Steele is history."

Wow. Lock this thing up right now, because it's over. Cardin didn't know when he got into this that he would be up against, like, rhymes, and what not. But what's that you say? You want more, do you? Never satisfied, I see. Well, get this. Tyson is also stumping hard for Steele, and you'll never guess how they know each other. Give up? Tyson is Steele's ex-brother-in-law. And you thought your family Thanksgivings were grueling. (And once Steele wins, do I see a Maryland boxing license in someone's stocking this year?)

Regardless, the messages are clearly on target so far. This morning, a comedian on a DC urban radio station said:

"The Republicans know black people hate George W. Bush so much that Michael Steele would rather (be endorsed by) a convicted murderer and a convicted rapist than President Bush."

See there, Mr. Steele? People are talking! I think I smell victory. And by "victory," I mean "ears."

Hyperlinks:
- Steele Calls in Heavyweight [Baltimore Sun]
- Steele's Glass Jaw [The Plank/The New Republic]
- Jamal Simmons: Why do Republicans Think Don King's Endorsement Matters to African Americans? [The Huffington Post]
- Ready to Rumble [CNNSI.com]

Dennis Green: Playoffs! PLAYOFFS?!?!?!

Prediction: the Chicago Bears -- that's right, the Bears, I know no one's talking about them -- may be playoff bound. No foolin! What a win for them last night. I don't usually blog about non-DC teams, but Jesus God.


Ladies and gentlemen, the Chicago Bears. Any questions?

And yes, I know the Cardinals let them off the hook (as Denny Green so eloquently put it after the game), and the Cardinals suck, and so on and so forth. Speaking of Green, though, what a performance last night. I expected him to pull off his mask to reveal that he was really Jon Chaney coming out of retirement. I'd put this rant right up there with Jim Mora's classic "PLAYOFFS!?!" and Herman Edwards' "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!" tirade. Here's the uncensored YouTube:



Regardless of the opponent, however, the Bears still won a football game even as their offense committed six turnovers and managed just a measly field goal. When your defense and special teams can score three touchdowns on anyone, that's pretty freakish. That's like a boxer who can stand on his head and fight you with his feet after his arms get tired. I don't care if he can only do it against 50-year-old sparring partners with the gout, it's still amazing. After all, they are who we thought they were. Just ask Denny.

Hyperlinks:
- Monday Night Miracle [Chicago Tribune]
- Green Melts Down [MSNBC]

Technorati tags: Monday Night Football, Chicago Bears, Arizona Cardinals

Brunell long pass flies south for winter, craps on fans' cars

Well, the sky, like a Mark Brunell deep pass, is falling in Redskins land. And with reason -- after losing AT HOME to the previously winless and rebuilding Tennessee Titans, a team that hadn't won on the road in their last eight tries, the Redskins have now lost four of their last six. But hey, at least it's predictable. For any realistic Skins fan, it wasn't difficult (if not unpainful) to foresee this loss. After getting waxed by the Colts next week -- and they WILL get waxed -- the Skins will be right on schedule, firmly entrenched in step three of their usual season blueprint, with step four just around the corner.

Meanwhile, fans are booing and the media is gnashing its teeth. Mark Brunell looks as bad as any quarterback in the league. Did you see that last throw he made that got intercepted? Ugh. It hung up there like a balloon, and by the time it finally fell, there were four Titans around it. And it wasn't like that was some desperation hail mary either. There was at least a minute left. And don't get me started on the defense. Yeah, they're missing some guys, but still. How are you going to let Travis freaking Henry get his career high in your house? How? How? How does that happen? I'm just a stupid fan, so please enlighten me!

But anyway, take a look at some of the headlines below...they say it all. Yep...it's fall in Washington. Go Skins.

Hyperlinks:
- Redskins Home Alone [Washington Post]
- Season is Slipping Away for Redskins [Washington Post]
- Boswell: Season Appears to Have No Legs [Washington Post]
- Redskins Defense is Failing to Hold Up [Washington Post]
- This One Hurts [Washington Times]
- Daly: A Loss That Just Stupefies [Washington Times]
- Gimme An F For This D [Washington Times]

Technorati tags: Redskins, Washington Redskins, NFL, football, Washington, D.C., Washington

Recap of The Office, season 3 episode 4

(This is a Spoiler Warning. So you've been warned. If you want, watch the synopsis here.)

As you know, although I'm not a big TV show watcher (generally preferring to watch movies or sporting events), The Office is easily my favorite program right now. But last night's episode...ehhhh, I don't know. Maybe my standards have become too high.

Michael's old boss dies unexpectedly, and Michael gets all upset because it reminds him of his own mortality and loneliness. As usual, he keeps fishing for attention, but no one gives it to him because he's a crazy self-centered loon. The funniest part of the episode for me was Michael and Dwight brainstorming the best way to honor the dead guy. It takes them about 30 seconds to decide on a robot. Hilarious.

Meanwhile, the writers continue to drive a wedge between Jim and Pam. Jim charms a French-speaking co-worker in Connecticut (who is hotter than Pam, by the way), while Pam's ex-fiance continues his quest to re-ingratiate himself to her, and "the new Jim" in the Scranton office, Ryan (played by B.J. Novak, one of the show's head writers and producers, although not so strong with the acting), is feeling Pam's sense of humor.

In my opinion, the rest of the episode was fairly unremarkable and ended on a rather strange note, with Michael insisting on holding a funeral for a dead bird and Pam delivering the eulogy and, er, singing. I didn't need that. But that's a big potential pitfall of this show -- Michael (and Dwight) being overplayed as characters and becoming downright crazy and no longer believable (see Homer Simpson). The other major pitfall being, of course, that this becomes the Jim and Pam sappy love story.

Anyway, looking forward to next week's episode. Dude! If they really want to make it good, they should have Jim ball his new co-worker, dude. Know what I'm saying? Although maybe that's more of a sweeps thing. Only time will tell.

Hyperlinks:
- Last night's two-minute video synopsis [NBC.com]

Technorati tags: Television, The Office

Dear guy who crapped his boxers and left them in the Metro parking lot

Dear Sir,

If you are the one who took a big lumpy crap in your gray cotton boxer briefs (sorry, I didn't get close enough to check the brand) last night and left them in the middle of the Shady Grove Metro station parking lot, I want to congratulate you on being the most disgusting, retarded, discombobulated degenerate loser douchebag fuckface of the day. Even two-year-olds know not to crap their pants. So not only were you unable to perform the basic functions required of a baby, you then in your embarrassment deposited the evidence in the middle of the parking lot, for all the morning commuters to enjoy. Sweet.

Basically, sir, you're an animal. And I don't mean like a party animal. I mean that in an evolutionary sort of way. You are unfit to commingle with other humans. And as punishment for your actions, when you go home tonight, I want you to draw a circle on the wall of your apartment or hospital room or whatever, and put your nose in that circle for the rest of the night (no masturbating!). And when your wife and/or sister, or attendant or counselor or whatever asks you why you are doing that, tell them the truth: Because I shat myself in a parking lot, then took off my shit-filled underwear and dropped it on the pavement and left it there like the sociopathic incontinent donkey that I am. The truth, sir, will set you free. Hopefully, the American penal system will not, again. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Civilized society

Technorati tags: Oops I crapped my pants, crap, Metro, degenerates, humor, morons, losers

George's big dinner date

Above the fold on the front page of today's Post is the shocking news that President Bush is standing firm on his various policies. That's great, but I do have one question - how is this news? I get that these are big issues, and when the president speaks on them in any capacity, it's a big story. But still. Who on planet Earth is surprised by the information that Bush is standing firm on his policies?

Regardless of personal politics, it's not hard to see how Bush's steadfastness is arguably his best and/or worst quality as a president. In Bob Woodward's new book State of Denial, Bush is quoted as saying "We're not leaving [Iraq] if Laura and [dog] Barney are the only ones who support me." Again, no news there, but it does raise an interesting question. What if Laura stopped supporting him? I wonder how much she actually supports the war and how much she simply supports her husband (which is important, don't get me wrong). But you can't tell me a former teacher can easily ignore or rationalize all those children dying. It's not hard to picture her sitting in the White House bedroom, in the dark, rocking back and forth, repeatedly humming the chorus to "Stand By Your Man."

But I don't think the wifely travails end there. I wonder what kind of dinner date the president must be.

George (picks up menu, takes quick glance, puts it down): I'm goin with the sea bass. Waiter, we'll both have the sea bass.

Laura: The sea bass, George? Again? We just had sea bass yesterday! And the day before! And the day before that! We had it last week with Pervez and Hamid, and look how well that went!

George: I have made my decision. It was the first thing I saw on the menu. Waiter, two sea basses.

Laura: George? Honey? Let's try something else, huh?

George: Sorry, Laura, but I don't think you understand or appreciate something here. If we abandon the sea bass now, it would send a message that we don't support sea bass. Or our brave chefs and wait staff.

Laura: But George, the chef has been asking you to order something else for months now!

Chef (from kitchen): GET THE STEAK, GEORGE!!! ORDER THE STEAK!!! HOW ABOUT NICE BIG TEXAS STEAK, I MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR YOU, GEORGE!!! NO MORE SEA BASS!! PLEASE!!!!!

George: I'm sorry, Maurice, but I did not hear that request.

Laura: Then how do you know he said anything?

George: Look, Laura, all I know is that I saw the sea bass first. If I order something else, that would make things fuzzy. Like flip-flopping. Like all those brave sea basses who flip-flop around after they are caught by our brave men and women on the fishin boats. Don't you want to honor those brave dead sea basses?

Laura: But they wouldn't be dying in such large numbers if you didn't keep ordering so much of them!

George: Sorry, but I did not hear that last comment.

Laura (lays head on table): Waiter, two orders of sea bass, and a valium, please.

George: And by the way. Waiter? She's gonna take the check. Thanks a bunch, honey.

Hyperlinks:
- Bush Stands Firm on Policies [Washington Post]
- Bush urges Karzai, Musharraf to cooperate [MSNBC]
- A Portrait of the President as the Victim of His Own Certitude [New York Times]

Technorati tags: Bush, Politics, Laura Bush, humor, State of Denial, sea bass

Runaway bride sues for phone, Reese's Pieces

Remember Jennifer Wilbanks, aka The Runaway Bride? The tabloid fascination who, four days before her wedding date, faked her own abduction (and blamed it on Mexican people) so she wouldn't have to go through with it? Well, now she's suing her ex-fiance for $500,000 over some tell-all book deal. That's awesome. You stay classy, Runaway Bride.

Perhaps, however, these behaviors are symptoms of a deeper condition. Perhaps, not even, of the human condition.



Hyperlinks:
- Runaway Bride sues former fiance [CNN.com]

Technorati tags: Runaway bride, tabloids, garbage, humor, E.T., classy

Welcome home, Nick the Kick!

Ah, good news on the Redskins front, as University of Maryland cult hero and folk legend Nick "The Kick" Novak returns to the area to assume place-kicking duties for the burgundy and gold.


Nick the Kick -- the Pretty Boy Floyd of Maryland football.

The all-time scoring leader in ACC football history, Novak's collegiate career began under much humbler circumstances. As a redshirt freshman in 2001, Novak just plain sucked. I mean, he was some kind of garbage. He started the season 4 for 11. He couldn't kick his grandmother off the couch.

But that all changed on October 11, 2001 -- five years TO THE DAY that he joined the Redskins on a (hopefully) long-term basis -- when the Terps drove into field goal range at Georgia Tech with the clock winding down. In hostile Atlanta, Maryland faced a 46-yard field goal to tie the score on the final play. True to the form he had theretofore displayed, Novak had earlier shanked a 32-yarder. I remember a chorus of groans as he took the field. No one could watch.

Nick approached the ball, took a deep breath, the kick was up, and he pushed it just over the cross bar. YESSSSS!!! He then nailed a game-winning 26-yarder in OT. The Terps had beaten Georgia Tech on the road to preserve their undefeated season. Wow - read that last sentence back. Was that really just five years ago? Gah.

So anyway, the rest is history. After getting laid by no less than 11 New Jersey sorority girls immediately upon his return to College Park, Nick the Kick never looked back. And neither did we. And now, he's back in the area, kicking for the Skins. Welcome home, brother. Welcome home.

Hyperlinks:
- Novak Will Replace Hall [Washington Post]
- Unbeaten Maryland Tops Georgia Tech [New York Times]
- Novak Named Tatum Award Winner By ACC [UMTerps.com]

Technorati tags: Maryland, Maryland sports, Redskins, football, cult heroes

(photo credits: CSTV, Corbis)

While I was away: Hey, what happened to that Foley guy and his bill congratulating the PGA?

You'll have to excuse me for my ignorance, as I am just returning from my vacation cruise (which was great, by the way...swimming with stingrays in Grand Cayman, snorkeling in Honduras, Mayan ruins in Belize, etc...great times all around), but there is something that I am confused about. If anyone out there can help me out, that would be great.

My concern is as follows: on September 13, a lawmaker named Mark Foley (I know you've never heard of him -- he's just some anonymous congressman from Florida) introduced a bill on the House floor "Congratulating The Professional Golfers' Association of America on its 90th anniversary." On September 25, the House approved the bill, and on September 26 that bill went to the Senate.


Mark Foley (center) with lawmakers and PGA Leadership.

But for some reason, the Senate has not yet taken action on the bill. Now, again, I've been incomunicado for about 10 days, but what gives? Is the Senate dragging its heels and once again flouting the will of the people by wrapping this bill in its usual reams of red tape? Does the Senate have some sort of problem with the PGA or with the great game of golf? What, are 90th anniversaries just not important enough for a bunch of big-shot politicians to acknowledge? Accountability, Senators. That's what this is all about.

But wait, there's more. I just noticed this PGA news release does not mention Foley's name in connection with the bill, although according to House records and this article from a past issue of the PGA News, he clearly introduced it. Is there some kind of back-door dealing going on? Some kind of secret meeting? Some kind of development we don't yet know about? So many questions...but so few answers here. Not even one measly answer is apparent.


Mark Foley (pictured with John Ashcroft). Why is his
effort to honor the PGA going unrecognized?

But one thing is for certain...we must demand answers of our leaders. What is the Senatorial agenda in relation to this bill? Mark Foley is the hero of the PGA in Congress...why shouldn't they announce their partnership with him from every available mountaintop? Who is standing in the way of this bill, and in the way of the sport of golf, and of America? And why? WHY? The silence, on all sides, is simply deafening.

Hyperlinks:
- H.CON.RES.471 [GovTrack]
- U.S. House Resolution Honors PGA of America [PGA.com]
- House Approval [PGA News]

Technorati tags: Mark Foley, Golf, Politics

(top photo credit: The PGA of America)