Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Supreme Court has your number, Big Environment

The Supreme Court heard arguments on a big case yesterday: the case of whether the federal government is required to restrict global warming gases that are emitted by new vehicles. The case could eventually have a ripple effect on big power plants and what not as well. Lot at stake here. The court is supposed to announce its decision next year.

Personally, I am proud of the Bush administration for refusing to limit greenhouse gas emissions. It's about time someone stood up to Big Environment, that conspiratorial lobby that has its fat little fingers in every single aspect of our lives. And if you don't believe me, what about that recycling bin you thoughtlessly put on the curb each week? Yes -- that's Big Environment at work, sucking your dollars away and influencing every aspect of your life. Bet you never thought about that, huh? Jeez. I hate them SO MUCH!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Lawyers for Big Environment convene outside the Supreme Court.

At least one person on the Supreme Court had the temerity to fight back against Big Environment. Justice Antonin Scalia (surprised? I know, me, too). When Scalia said he wondered about carbon dioxide's effect on the stratosphere, he was corrected by some Big Environment hot-shot, who was all like "it's actually the troposphere," to which Scalia responded:

"I told you before I'm not a scientist. That's why I don't want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth."
This, of course, coming from the same justice who took it upon himself to spend much of the session questioning the scientific basis of global warming. Brilliant!

(Actually, this same scenario happened to me just the other day. Some guy's car was broken down on the road, so I put a bunch of carrots in his gas tank. And the guy was all like "how will that help?" And I said "oh, I don't know, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night." Genius.)

Anyway, I'm off topic. The point is, I like where Scalia's head is at. I think all these Big Environment flakes and communists should take a hike. If anyone needs me, I'll be sacrificing this goat in my backyard. Well, how do YOU cure a cold? With medicine? Sounds like Big Environment talk to me.

Court Hears Global Warming Case [Washington Post]
Global Warming Basics [Pew Research Center]

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Pelosi to nominate Michael Richards to head Congressional Black Caucus

New Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has recommended that actor/comedian Michael Richards be nominated as head of the Congressional Black Caucus.

"I see no downside to this nomination," Pelosi said. "I'm really building bridges here. Bringing my party together, with the bridge-building, and the consensus-reaching, and the united front getting things done, and so forth. We're a breath of fresh air combating the Bush administration. Because to me, you're either with me, or you're against me."

The move comes shortly after Pelosi seemingly bucked her party's wishes by
declining to name Rep. Alcee Hastings chair of the powerful House Intelligence Committee. Pelosi also recently snubbed Rep. Steny Hoyer, with whom she had widely publicized differences, for House Majority Leader. In a sharp rebuke she clearly learned much from, her fellow House Democrats elected Hoyer anyway.

"The Hastings and Richards nominations are very different from the Hoyer situation," Pelosi explained with exaggerated slowness. "The first guy is named 'Ho-yer.' The other guys are named 'Has-tings,' and 'Rich-ards.' I really hope you don't need any more explanation of the distinctions here.

"Do not get on my shit list," Pelosi continued. "Because you will NEVER recover. You do NOT want to get on the bad side of THIS, my friend." Pelosi then licked her thumb and touched it to her skirt while simulating a sizzling noise with her mouth.

"What promises to get beyond Beltway bickerings and get things done?" she said. "Promises, schmomises. I'm running the show here, and I'm settling some motherfucking scores."

Richards, famous for playing Cosmo Kramer on TV's "Seinfeld," was recently caught on tape using harsh racial epithets against African Americans in a comedy club.

"I can't wait to head the Congressional N***** Caucus," Richards said. "I'm uniquely qualified. Chalk up another one to Nancy Pelosi, the great uniter of her time. In two weeks, she has done more than people should have ever expected. So don't be a bunch of n*****s about this. Okay, n*****?"

"Michael has apologized for his actions, and I have accepted his apology," Pelosi added. "I pity you if you aren't able to give this man a second chance in society. Someone who doesn't forgive, why, that's almost as bad as not supporting the troops. Which I do, whole-heartedly."

"I will smack you in the mouth," she concluded. "I am Nancy Freaking Pelosi."

Pelosi Passes Over Hastings for Intelligence Chair [Washington Post]
Democrats Pick Hoyer Over Murtha [Washington Post]
You're a raaaabid anti, er, blackite! [No One Appreciates Me]

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving, unless you have a rollie bag

On this my first day back from Thanksgiving break (and I'm not going to say "the holiday" anymore, because Thanksgiving is a secular holiday, and everyone in America celebrates it, so why are we so afraid to say that word?), I am full of a peaceful feeling of atunement with the world. People have an extra spring in their step as the holidays approach. Isn't a grand time, simply grand?

Well, maybe not. Especially after this morning, when a certain recent trend reached its tipping point for me. I speak of course, of the new scourge of the morning commute. The wheeled suitcase, or rollie bag. And to that end, let this blog post serve as a declaration of hostility toward said bag. If you roll your rollie bag over or even near my foot, it is getting stepped on. You have been warned.

Whoops, sorry, chief. Did I get your foot there?

Especially for people like me who take the train to work, rollie bags are a major hazard. Not only do they roll over people, but they are always brandished by commuters who stand right in the middle of the walkways, forcing others to step around or over their luggage. If you have a rollie bag, you might as well wear a sign as well: I Am A Lazy, Inconsiderate Jerkoff.

I know, I know: some people need to use these because of back problems, shoulder problems, etc. But take it from a guy who has tendinitis in both shoulders and still carries his work back on his shoulders each day without a problem: it's not that big of a deal, you wuss. And if your bodily troubles are so bad that you can not bear to carry a 20-pound back around, maybe mass transit isn't for you. I can hook you up with a really nice short bus that will come right to your house!

But overall, I think people who say they use rollie bags because of health concerns are, you know, lying. It couldnt be because they saw someone using one on The Apprentice, now could it? Oh, that's right, I forgot -- you don't even watch TV. How silly of me! Please, go back to rolling your bag down the platform, running over everyone in the process, obliviously yapping on your cell phone and chomping your panini. Sorry I bothered you.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The NFL thanks you for participating in Thanksgiving, presented by Comcast

Hey, just what I wanted to have to do in order to complete my Thanksgiving Day experience -- badger my cable company into carrying the NFL Network (or just purchasing it outright, or going out and spending money at a bar to see the game). While the networks will carry the NFL Thanksgiving doubleheader, the NFL Network will air the first-ever Thanksgiving night game this year. And of course, this is only how it starts. In five years, the whole thing will be on NFL Network. Cable operators are standing by! And I say, huzzah!

And yes, yes, I know that Thanksgiving is not all about football, that it's about family and the love in your heart and being thankful that the Injuns died gracefully and mainly from diseases thus avoiding major bloodshed, and blah blah blah. But still, this is go great! In fact, this is what I want to be thankful for this year. Lord, I am thankful that there is yet another occasion for which I am nickeled and dimed to death by huge businesses who do not care whether I live or die unless it means one or the other brings them more money. It is so, I don't know, pleasant. Or no, humanizing. It's very humanizing. And no tree-hugger who doesn't understand Business can take that away from me.

So as I remain on hold as my Thanksgiving dinner gets all cold and eaten, I want to remember to be thankful. Thank you, NFL and cable companies. And thank YOU, willing consumer. May we all shine as a beacon of Thanksgiving, now and forever more. Amen.

(P.S., see you back here on Monday)

Turkey Day Tussle [NFL Network]

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Borat: The Emperor Wears no Clothes!

Took my wife to see Borat the other day. While she wasn't particularly thrilled by the prospect, I was talking her into it. As a huge Ali G fan, I was familiar with Sacha Baron Cohen and the subversive humor of his characters. And after I saw the torrent of good reviews, I put it on my must-see list.

But unfortunately, we both left disappointed. The emperor wears no clothes here -- the movie just isn't that good!

Oh - you're balling your sister. Genius!

Sure, there were some good moments, but all in all, it was just crude. If you like crude (and there's certainly nothing wrong with crude -- it's just that crude humor purely for the sake of crudeness is not my particular bag) then you loved this movie. If you don't, I'm guessing you didn't.

All these reviewers who are calling Cohen a
"genius" are waaaaay offline. What part struck you as genius, exactly? The part where he's jerking off to a Victoria's Secret store window, or the part where he naked-wrestles a fat friend of his and ends up getting smacked in the face with his balls?

Or, was it the "subversion" you were referring to, the grand exposure of ingrained American stupidity and predjudice that is weakening the knees of liberal-minded people around the globe? I mean, there's some of that here, but it's pretty weak. Among other "grand revelations," the movie "subtly" points out that Dixie rodeo fans are homophobic and anti-Muslim, frat boys are drunken idiots, and New Yorkers are crusty. Woooooo! You have shaken me to my very foundations, Borat. I'll never look at life the same way again. All I'm saying is, he should either find tougher targets, or not be so proud of himself next time. Don't shoot fish in a barrell and expect the Bassmaster Trophy.

So that's it. I know plenty of people see it differently, but, well, I think you're wrong. Like I said, there were a few good moments, but they were few and far between. Maybe the Bruno movie will be funnier. But I doubt it.

Borat page [Rotten Tomatoes]
The Genius of Sacha Baron Cohen [The Epoch Times, U.K.]
Da Ali G Show [HBO]

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The Terps are undefeated -- RIOT!!!!

Had a chance to see the Terps in person last night, as they overwhelmed Winthrop, 71-60. Not a huge, life-changing win, but like St. John's, Michigan State, and Vermont, it's another good, solid W. After all, Winthrop just beat Mississippi State and scared UNC. They'll be in the tourney for sure.

Ekene Ibekwe led the Terps, as is becoming the custom, and James Gist and Eric Hayes gave nice efforts on a night when D.J. Strawberry and Mike Jones weren't making their shots.

Once again, however, the biggest revelation is Bambale Osby (apparently known as "Boom" to the fans). The junior transfer finished with 14 points and seven boards.

Boom's Olan Mills
portrait: The Wallet Size

Even sitting in literally the highest row of seats in the Comcast Center (as I was) you could see how soft (dare I say Baxteresque) his hands are, and how hard he hustles up and down the court, on defense, and after loose balls. I'm glad he's getting more PT. Not just because he's contributing, but because it means Will Bowers is not on the court as much. That's important.

Terps Lower "Boom" [Baltimore Sun]

Monday, November 20, 2006

Rupert Murdoch magically grows conscience

After his company, NewsCorp (which owns Fox), polluted the airwaves with politically partisan vitriol and lowest-common-denominator comedy and reality programming, Rupert Murdoch had a Grinch-like expansion of his heart recently when he decided to cancel his company's plans to publish a book and run a TV interview in which O.J. Simpson explains how he would have committed that double murder--you know, IF he had done it BIGCONSPICUOUSWINKWINKKNOWWHATIMSAYINGWINKWINK.

"I did something kind of weird today--an assistant suggested I consider this thing called 'good taste,'" Murdoch said. "And all of a sudden, it was like these blinders had been lifted from my eyes. I was like, good God! This O.J. thing is in the poorest taste anyone can possibly imagine!"

Murdoch's change of heart, no matter how momentary, is good news for everyone. Except the Rodney King police officers, Ray Lewis, Bill Clinton, Rush Limbaugh, and all the other famous not guilty people out there. You have to feel for those folks.

O.J. Book, Interview Canceled [ESPN]

Dear government of Russia: I love you, please do not kill me

Recently, a former Russian spy who turned against his government and president was poisoned in a restaurant and is now in a London ICU. The man, Alexander Litvinenko, was meeting with a contact who supposedly had information on the mysterious October shooting death of Anna Politkovskaya, a journalist who criticized Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Is it just me, or is the situation in Russia starting to sound like a James Bond movie, only the bad guys are winning? Wait, did I just say that? Oh, geez...I'm very sorry. I extend my heartfelt apologies to Mother Russia and its glorious, non-shady regime. May you continue to shine as a beacon of hope and freedom to all peoples, and may you also continue to mercilessly hunt and destroy all those who would stand against you in thought, word, or deed. To Russia!

For their part, Putin and his Moscow administration say that allegations of their involvement in murder plots are so ludicrously absurd as to be grounds for bloody murder, or at least a plot to do so. And in the meantime, the Russian government will continue to
take over successful companies for their own benefit, kick humanitarian organizations out of their country, and snarlingly tighten control over the media. Ah, the fragile beauty of a burgeoning democracy. Huzzah!

And of course, Putin is reaping the rewards for being such a lovable figure for the people of Great Mother Russia.
He is stepping down in 2008, but the tremendously, overwhelmingly popular figure will handpick the successor that will surely be elected to take his place. And we shall score another great victory for the people!

In closing, I love Russia very, very much. I love it like it was my son, if I had a son. I love it like I love myself. So please, please don't take it personally, Russia, but I'm going to eat my lunch alone today, if that's cool with you. And no, I'm not saying where. I just haven't, uh, figured it out yet. Now excuse me I think I hear my mother calling okay bye.

British Police Investigate Poisoning of Putin Critic [Washington Post]
Murdered Russian Journalist Buried [MSNBC]
Kremlin Inc. Widening Control Over Industry [Washington Post]
Russia Halts Activities of Many Groups From Abroad [Washington Post]
Rice walks tightrope in visit with Russia's Putin, media
[San Francisco Chronicle]
Putin tells experts he will step down in 2008 [Reuters]
Putin Popularity, Trust High Among Russian Voters — Poll [MosNews]

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You're a raaaabid anti, er, blackite!

So it turns out Kramer is horribly racist. Or at least the actor/comedian who played the famous Seinfeld character is. During a stand-up routine on Friday, Michael "Kramer" Richards was heckled by some African-American audience members and launched into a tirade that makes Mel Gibson's drunken ramblings seem like the keynote address at the annual conference of the Anti-Defamation League.

G-g-g-giddyup for white power.

TMZ has the video. Warning -- Richards drops about 20 N-bombs in two minutes. He drops N-bombs like he's going for the Guinness record. I would very much hope that this is not safe for your work. Maybe close your door or something.

Among the "highlights," he told the guys that "Fifty years ago, you'd be hanging upside down with a fuckin fork up your ass." He also said "I could have been a millionaire! I could have been a racist millionaire, Jerry!" Okay, I made one of those up.

But watch the tape -- you'll probably be blown away. Because it's Kramer...dropping N-bombs and F-bombs and screaming about lynchings. The word "surreal" is grossly overused nowadays, but it really does apply here.

"Kramer's" Racist Tirade -- Caught on Tape []

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Let me take you to Sadville: George Michael signing off

Although I always heard that he was widely considered an insufferable jerk, it is still a loss for the Washington sports media community that local NBC sports anchor George Michael (you may also know him from the nationally syndicated Sports Machine program) is hanging up his spurs.

For better or worse, George Michael
was a sports institution in Washington.

He'll still do some local stuff, but it won't be the same. His introduction of sports highlights with the signature line "let me take you to so-and-so location" (Let me take you to RFK Stadium! Let me take you to Jacksonville! Let me take you to Brisbane!) was always a delight. So he couldn't ever pronounce the players' names correctly. So what? He's had some health problems lately (cancer, and last year one of his horses kicked him all to pieces, no foolin), so here's hoping he enjoys himself in his golden years.

George Michael to Drop Anchor Chores, Continue Weekend Sports Panel Shows [Washington Post]

Recap of The Office, season 3, episode 8

(If you haven't seen this episode yet, titled "The Merger," watch the highlights here)

So all these people from the Stamford branch of Dunder Mifflin moved into the Scranton branch after a series of unfortunate events closed the former while sparing the latter. I'm not sure where all the extra desks and cubicles came from (and they never really addressed it), but it was cramped in there to start with. What gives?

Speaking of, er, loose ends in the storytelling, Jim comes back along with the rest of the Stamford folks and is greeted by an ecstatic Pam. But then Jim is cold to her. But wait...wasn't he completely in love with Pam like four months ago? What changed? I know he's dating the hot girl from Stamford (nicely done), but are his feelings for that girl so strong that he has forgotten about Pam? And when did they start dating, by the way? And does he know that Pam broke off the wedding? I know the show isn't omniscient about its characters because it ostensibly only knows what the characters tell the "documentary" filmmakers, but still. It felt weird to have to accept the fact that Jim was completely cold to Pam, for no particularly strong reason. It seemed like they just did it to establish the love triangle, and they'll address reasons later. Screw that.

The rest of the episode was funny, although Dwight continues on his downward spiral to Crazy Town. Some of the best comedy was provided by Steve Carrell buddy and fellow Daily Show alumn
Ed Helms, who plays a kindred spirit to Carrell's Michael Scott. That's gonna be a funny pairing. I also like how they are slowly establishing Ryan to be an asshole loser. Better he be that than a Jim rip-off, which would be kind of boring.

So overall, good episode, if a little sloppy around the edges. I just hope Pam is able to recover from her dissing. My prediction: she gets drunk and sleeps with the hangdog ex-fiance within the next three episodes. Then it will really get interesting.

The Office Episode Recap: "The Merger" []

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Maryland to ACC: You're on Notice

After my Maryland hoops manifesto from last week, I'm wary about overdoing it on the Terps. But good God - were you watching as Maryland demolished St. John's last night, 92-60? We'll see what happens in the final of the Coaches vs. Cancer classic tonight against Michigan State, but regardless, I've got a good feeling.

They were firing on all cylinders they were. Ekene Ibekwe (whose shooting stroke appears much improved) actually outscored St. John's in the first half BY HIMSELF. That is insane. But it was a group effort - Mike Jones was in on it, D.J. Strawberry, and Greivis Vasquez, who I'm already prepared to induct into the Maryland Hall of Fame. Just a great, dominating performance.

I just wonder what would have happened in that game last year, in Madison Square Garden and on national television in front of a pro-Red Storm crowd. Dollars to donuts they would have laid an egg. But this is not last year's team. They're hungry, they've got plenty of chemistry, and they aren't scared anymore. Is it possible for a team -- after losing four seniors -- to become more confident, but less cocky? Well, they've done it so far. Hopefully they keep it rolling against the Spartans and beyond. Goterps.

Ebekwe's 22 Points Paces Terps [Washington Post]
Go Terps! [No One Appreciates Me]

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Let us ponder some legal niceties

When Minnesota state police went to arrest a Wisconsin man recently for having sex with a deer on the side of the road, they probably figured it was just another night at the office. Drive the deer-fucker downtown, book him, and bada bing bada boom, let's go to Denny's. Just another garden-variety deer-fucker made to answer to The Law.

But guess what? Those cops were wrong this time. They was wrong! Permit me to elucidate.

It all started out innocently enough. They charged the deer-fucker with misdemeanor sexual gratification with an animal--pretty standard, right? But are you ready for the curveball? Ready? The deer was dead. It was roadkill.

Ooh, baby. This feels so wrong, but you're lookin so right!

And that's where the law takes its crazy turn. The charge was "sexual gratification with an animal." According to the news account, Webster's dictionary defines "animal" as "any of a kingdom of living beings." LIVING BEINGS, YOUR HONOR! LIVING BEINGS! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?! SHUT THE BOOK, CLOSE THE CASE, PRAISE THE LORD AND UNLOCK THE CUFFS!!! THE DEFENSE FUCKING RESTS, YOUR HONOR!!!! THIS BOY'S GONNA WALK!!!

I actually don't know what's more disturbing--that this loophole exists, or that the logic-driven part of my brain actually (gah) understands the loophole. I guess, since there was no harm done to any living thing, it's okay? Technically and jurisprudentially, it's okay to fuck roadkill?

You know what? I should probably just stop typing right now. If anyone needs me, I'll be shivering in the bottom of the shower. Awesome.

Deer assault case presents unusual issues [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

P.S. Shout-out to DB for passing this along.

D.C. trying to remember what end of ass is up

Just my luck for my job to make this one of my busiest work weeks in recent memory. The very same week that Washington, D.C. seems to be falling apart at the seams, and I don't have any freaking time to blog about it. Well, screw deadlines. I'm blogging.

On the sports front, the Redskins have completely and totally folded up the tent for this season. Brunell is benched for the young kid (and, reportedly, cries on the bus after the post-game interviews) and Portis is shut down for the season. I smell a fun home stretch this year, don't you? Remember the scene in the second Austin Powers movie, where Will Ferrell's character gets in a horrible flaming car wreck and is lying at the bottom of the cliff shouting up things like "Please help me! I am very, badly, burned!! For God's sake, I am in excrutiating pain!" and "These wounds are beginning to smell like almonds! Oh my God, that's a sign of gangrene!" But no matter how they shoot him and what not, he just will not or cannot die? Well, that's the rest of this season for the Redskins. They are very badly burned, and reeking of almonds, but they can't die just yet. Move over, Oakland and Arizona. Hope there's room at the bottom of the shit heap.

Perhaps even more interesting than the Redskins, however, is the astonishing 15 seconds House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went before causing a rift in her own party. After pledging to lead
The Cleanest Congress Ever and gamely mending fences with the president, she goes and nominates anti-war loudmouth and ethics violator (it was minor and it was early in his career, but still) John Murtha as her second-in-command in the House. She endorses him over Maryland's own Steny Hoyer, who was in line for that position, but has had pissing contests with Pelosi in the past. So rather than squash it, Pelosi kept pissing. Boy, that Era of Good Feelings didn't last.

And today, House Dems gave her the big middle finger when
they voted for Hoyer despite Pelosi's endorsement to the contrary. But in a weird way, this could actually help Pelosi down the line. Hoyer is a moderate who is well-liked in both parties, and could do a great job of building bridges and bringing more moderate Democrats (the kind of Democrats who, you know, won control of Congress for their party) into the fold. As always, only time....will tell. But it's intersting stuff going down. At least, so I'm told by people who have time to surf the Internet.

- Democrats Elect Hoyer as New Majority Leader [Washington Post]
- Novak: Pelosi's First Mistake [Washington Post]
- Steny Hoyer vs. Nancy Pelosi [The New Republic]
- Bush, Dems promise cooperation []
- Dems Pledge to Sever Ties with Lobbyists [Washington Post]
- Murtha and the FBI: The Director's Cut [American Spectator]

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

What did I tell you? Iran nuclear program has Sony guts! Sony guts!

I posted basically this same joke before...but I'm posting it again, basically for my own amusement since no one else seems to get the reference (it's basically that Iranian president and nuclear brinksman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad looks like a used radio salesman. Ah, never mind.)

Iran: Nuclear program will be operating by February []
Ahmadinejad: Nuke program has Sony guts! [No One Appreciates Me...seriously]

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Monday, November 13, 2006

With Portis out at least a month, Redskins sign Curtis Martin, Jim Brown, Michael Jordan

After receiving the news that running back Clinton Portis will miss at least one month and possibly the entire season after breaking a bone in his hand during Sunday's lopsided loss at Philadelphia, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder moved quickly. This morning, the Redskins signed Jets rusher Curtis Martin, football icon Jim Brown, and former Chicago Bulls great Michael Jordan to long-term contracts.

(l-r) Snyder, Cerrato, and Redskins

coach Joe Gibbs announce their big, big news.

Contract specifics were not immediately known, but team sources indicated the Redskins parted with up to 10 future first-round draft picks, and will make the trio the highest-paid backfield in league history. The group joins Ladell Betts, Rock Cartwright, Mike Sellers, and T.J. Duckett on the team's already deep running back core.

In a rare news conference, Snyder called the signings "a milestone for Redskins fans."

"We have one goal here," Snyder said. "Well, two goals actually. First, we want to win a Super Bowl. And secondly, we want to make money. Lots and lots of money. These three legendary players are sure to accomplish both in short order."

Brown, 70, has not played a down of competitive football since his retirement in 1966.

"Jim Brown is an absolute giant in his sport," Snyder said. "I asked [Owner lackey] Vinny [Cerrato] if Jim was available. Vinny said he was, and to me, it was a no-brainer. I told Vinny, 'let's do what it takes to go out and get him in a Redskins uniform.'"

When asked if the decision to sign Martin,
who will miss the season and could retire due to chronic knee injuries, was somewhat short-sighted, Snyder grew testy.

"Let me turn the tables for just a moment, and ask you a question," Snyder said. "How much money do you make?"

When the reporter responded that he did not see how that was relevant, Snyder persisted.

"Seriously. How much? I know you people don't make that much. I'll be generous and say $50,000 a year. Well, the Redskins -- which I own -- are
worth more than $1 billion. That is my worth. See this fingernail? I'm going to bite it off. One second. Okay, see it on the floor now? That's a $50,000 fingernail, easy. So basically, that's you. I literally just chewed you up and spit you out. So maybe we should think twice before we decide to wear the Daddy Pants, okay?

"Sure, all my pants are in boys sizes, but they're big metaphorically, dick."

It is unclear how Jordan, a former basketball player, fits into the Redskins' plans.

Redskins owner Daniel Snyder knows
Michael Jordan from the TV.

"He's one of the best to ever play the game," Snyder said with an incredulous chortle. "I'm sure we'll find a way to work him in. Look, I don't know what kind of rock you all have been living under, but hello? Michael Jordan? Ever heard of him? Is he or is he not a famous athlete that everyone has seen on TV a million times?"

"Yes," muttered some of the reporters.

"I can't hear you!" said Snyder.


"Thank you. Next question please. Jesus, you guys are nuts!"

The loss of Portis could affect the team's usual season plan, in which they go on a too-little, too-late winning streak after being virtually eliminated from the playoffs so that they can continue to string fans along and charge league-high prices.

"We're going to turn this team around," Snyder said. "Because if we don't, how do we justify $8,000 season tickets, $12 hot dogs, and $20 beers? Answer: we can't. I think the signings we've made today mark a new era in Redskins football. I wanted to put my stamp on this franchise, and I think I have accomplished that."

Redskins Picked Apart [Washington Post]
Portis breaks bone in hand [Washington Post]
Jets' Curtis Martin will miss season [Yahoo! News]
The $1 Billion Team [Forbes]

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Friday, November 10, 2006

Go Terps!

As curmudgeonly as I can sometimes be vis a vis my sports team allegiances and their various records and performances, I have to admit that my University of Maryland Terrapins are on a bit of a mini-roll right now. Football team on a somewhat unexpected roll and welcoming a tragedy-ravaged Miami Hurricane squad to Byrd Stadium tomorrow (not that their tragedy is something worth celebrating, but they agreed to play, so we've got to play to win). Also, the women's hoops team is starting the season ranked #1, and people are talking about a repeat and beyond. Huzzah.

But of course, anyone who knows me even slightly knows that my favorite Maryland team - my favorite sports team, in fact - is the Terps men's basketball team. And they've gotten the regular season off right, with a win against Hampton and then a second
victory Wednesday night over a poised and scrappy (if entirely untalented offensively) Vermont team in the second round of the 2K Sports College Hoops Classic benefiting Coaches vs. Cancer. So far, I have to say that I'm impressed. So far.

This year, the team belongs to seniors Ekene Ibekwe, Mike Jones, and most of all if Wed. night was any indication, to D.J. Strawberry. Gone are the shaky, joyless
Terrapins of last year. Gone is the poisoned well that John Gilchrist left behind to pursue all that NBA money (and how's that working out for you, John? Go Hapoel Ironi Nahariya!). Gone is that soft and rudderless mishmash of directionless Nik Caner-Medley spin moves and Travis Garrison unguarded double dribble violations. I feel like the team received a big-time enema with the departures of last year's seniors. And it's a big year for the Terps - six seniors this year, meaning it will be an entirely new team next year for all intents and purposes. Getting back to the tourney this year will give the program some much-need momentum, but if they stay out for a third consecutive year, they will truly be flat-footed and in full rebuilding mode next season. So to me, this season is absolutely pivotal for the future. But hey if this early-season - and I know it's still very, VERRRRRRY early - is any indication, the team is playing like it.

First of all, the players are actually talking to each other on the floor. So that's something kinda new and fun. They're hustling after balls. They look more confident than last year. More mature. They're good, and they know it, and they're going to stay in your face. They're not going to shrink from the limelight this year (it appears). No more shrinking violets or schoolyard bullies here. Even if the Vermont win is the high point of the season, this team is going to be fun to watch. Thank the great good Lord.

But it's not just the new old guys who have this team looking good in their first two games that count (I'm throwing out those shaky exhibition performances). Freshman
Greivis Vasquez exuded natural basketball intelligence and spirit against the Catamounts, and freshman point guard looked solid, if relatively unspectacular. But to me, the real revelation was junior transfer forward Bambale Osby. This guy is a one-man rotation solidifier, let me tell you. When I saw him handle the ball for the first time, he caught an entry pass with his back to the basket, turned, and dropped in a nice little hook shot. It's great to finally see a Maryland low-post player who has an actual low-post move. I think my jaw hit the floor. Later in the game, Osby corralled a rebound, and in the same beat turned and fired a beautiful one-bounce outlet pass perfectly in stride to Strawberry for an and-one layup. It was nice. Plus, the guy is ripped. You can't overstate the psychological edge - concious or not - of having someone on your team who can take out the garbage if need be. So big ups to Bambale (pronounced "bum-BALL-ee"). I see him as a great spark plug for us.

But that's not to say there aren't problems. No one on the team except Jones can hit a mid-range jump shot, all our bigs seem to get in foul trouble, defense and turnovers are still question marks, and Ibekwe simply has to learn that he shouldn't shoot when he is more than five feet from the basket. Are you reading, Ekene? If you can't dunk it, pass!

But having said that, this year's Terps have one final ace in the hole. They are picked to
finished seventh in the ACC preseason poll. Why is that good? Because the Terps have traditionally made for much better underdogs than alpha dogs. They seem to bunch up under pressure. But when no one expects much of them, they play fast, loose, free, and fun. In other words, they play Maryland Basketball. They overacheive when the chips are down, and the underacheive when the chips are up. You figure it out.

In any case, I know there are plenty of tests left to go. The ACC is once again stacked this year (although someone could probably make the case that it's a little top-heavy and not quite as thoroughly stacked as in other years, like two years ago when Carolina won it all and there were the Chris Paul Deacons, Julius Hodge Wolfpack, Jarret Jack/Will Bynum Yellowjackets, Redick/Deng Blue Devils, and spoilers like Clemson and Va. Tech), and the Terps will probably face a tough test in Texas or Michigan State at the end of the current CVC Classic. But coming right out of the gate, this team looks good. Of course, I said that last year. But what can I say. The Maryland hoops team is the one sport I allow myself to be optimistic about. Goterps!

Hurricanes Take Field After Player's Slaying [Washington Post]
A Dynasty in the Making? [Washington Post]
Terrapins' Young Guards Get Straight to the Point [Washington Post]
Tar Heels Favored in 2006-07 ACC Media Preseason Poll

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Bush: The American people have spoken. We will stay the course.

First of all, I would be remiss if I didn't give the Democrat party their just desserts. Congratulations, Democrat party. Enjoy your little day in the sun.

But when it's over -- and I hate to break up your little California love-in here -- you'll realize what the American people have truly mandated. That we must stay the course in Iraq and at home. Stay the course. We must stay the course. And that's not me talking. That's the entire nation. Except the gay part. They are jealous of our heterosexuality. Ever notice that Nancy Pelosi is from a gay district? Hey, I'm just connecting dots here, people.

So anyway, don't give me your "but we
won control of the house and potentially the Senate" or "Bush's style of leadership has been soundly rejected." This is just another test, people. All the haters have reared their jealous heads, and to them I say "bring it on."

Want to know what's REALLY happening in America? Priorities. And we'll tell you about those priorities when we're damn good and ready. Want to come to the bargaining table, Democrats? Well, don't look under the tablecloth. Because we will NOT be hiding under there.

This just boils down to public support. You're either with us, or against us. If you're with us, welcome to the winning team. Anyone against us? No? I don't hear you, la la la la la la stay the course la la la la la.

Democrats Take House [Washington Post]
A Voter Rebuke for Bush, the War, and the Right [Washington Post]

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Etan Thomas, Brendon Haywood set record for wussiest fight ever between two NBA centers

Well, the cat is out of the bag. And boy is the fur flying! Dreadlocked slam poet and new Wizards starting center Etan Thomas is a little less dreadlocked today after getting in a fight with Brendan Haywood, the new Wizards benchwarming center and reining NBA's Softest Man. This is the duo's second time trading slaps and taunting finger wags. The team was trying to keep this one private, but it's out in the open now. Meow, boys!

You're lucky they was holdin me back, Etan. Ya hurd?

Apparently, this whole thing got started when Haywood's agent said the decision to bench his client and start Thomas was completely personal, and had nothing to do with basketball abilities (such as, for example, Haywood's tendency to break down crying when the lane gets too clogged). Well, Thomas wasn't gonna have that, girlfriend. So he reacted in the best way he knows how - he left a scathing freeverse poem in Haywood's locker.

The next morning, Haywood was all like "that rhyming couplet in the third stanza was totally forced, dog." And Thomas was like "I'd like to see you come up with a decent rhyme for 'Philistine'," and Haywood, who is much tougher when he's fighting teammates and knows the coaches are close by to break up the fight, was like "and don't be callin me no Philistine no more." And that's when Thomas punched him. Haywood then body-slammed Thomas to the ground, ripping out two dreadlocks (really) in the process. No word on the number of fingernails broken or perfectly good pairs of hose ruined in the fracas.

Now, there are rumors that Haywood wants to be traded. And I say, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Bigs are rare, true, but Thomas has played well so far in this admittedly early season, and if we can get something in return for Haywood, Ernie Grunfeld should absolutey pull the trigger. After all, I hear the Comets could use a's hoping they return the Wizards' calls.

Centers Thomas, Haywood Reportedly in Recent Fight [Washington Post]

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I try to cast as uninformed a vote as possible

Dear No One Appreciates Me,

Well, I had to write...because I just got back from the voting booth! And I'm reveling in my participation in the political process. Hey! Guess who's wearing his "I voted" sticker? That's's me. Someone's getting laid tonight!

I'm not even going to recap the stories and the stakes for this election. Because that would mean I knew what they were. To me, voting is like a movie. You have to go in as fresh as possible. Let the names of the candidates be a surprise! Let them wash over you right there in the voting booth. You know what I'm saying? Don't ruin the surprise for yourself. There's so little wonder left in the world today!

At first I was paying attention to all the negative TV ads, but I stopped after a while because they always wanted me to call so-and-so and tell him to stop doing such-and-such. Like I need more work to do -- whatever! And of course, they're never 800 numbers. Typical. It makes me so mad! They're like, tell him to stop supporting terrorists. Tell her to stop writing lesbian novels. Tell him to stop lusting after our white women. Three words, dudes. Blah, blah, blah.

Look, all I know is, I get up in the morning and come to work. And there's this homeless guy on the corner who smells like tinkle. Now I don't know about you, but I don't like the smell of tinkle, particularly not in the morning time. So I wrote a letter to the mayor of my state, asking him to please do something about this homeless man, or at least the tinkle smell. Can you guess what happened? Nothing. That's right. Can you believe it? I know...our tax dollars at work. :)

But I figured I should vote anyway, just for the sticker that will surely entitle me to at least one night of free poon. It's like my fake wedding ring -- a sure-fire chick magnet, baby! So once I was in the booth, I just went ahead and checked off all the least ethnic-sounding names that I could. I don't know many of the issues, but I think it's safe to say all my political beliefs are generally encapsulated in not voting for ethnic people. So that's that. And the beauty is, my vote counts just as much as yours! I'm so full of pride that I could puke. See you around, bud!

Hot Enough For Ya Guy

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Redskins Update: more Kool-Aid, anyone?

Good to be back after a two-week absence...and what better time to get back into the swing of things? HUGE election coming up tomorrow, Wizards season just kicking off, and yesterday the Redskins beat the Cowboys to avoid the sweep and the notion that their season is so far a total and unmitigated disaster.

True to form as always, the Redskins are now entrenched between steps 5 and 6 of
my general season prediction from a couple months ago. The Redskins eked out a victory in thrilling fashion (led by local folk hero Nick "The Kick" Novak), but hey, that could have gone either way. Nevertheless, Redskins fans are FREAKING OUT! THIS IS THE GREATEST REDSKINS TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED! Sorry for not following the mob, but that was a crappy win. Excitingly crappy, but crappy nonetheless. With the Cowboys granting like 500 penalty yards and Troy Aikman repeatedly harping on "missed opportunities" like he was giving a Nobel lecture, the Redskins were like a tomato can boxer being held up by his opponent.

But it doesn't matter. Today the chat boards are alive with giddy people praising Brunell and all the others. And the media, while not going completely overboard, is still inching back onto the bandwagon. The Washington Post says "there's a bit of hope" for them yet. And insufferable Sportstalk 980 cheerleader Doc Walker said on the postgame show yesterday: "Don't be surprised if this team gets the last laugh." Actually, Doc, I think I'll still be surprised, but thanks anyway. Let's see if they can get back to .500. You know, winning as much as they lose? Then maybe I'll break out the champagne and plastic sheeting.

Nice Change in Sequence [Washington Post]
For Novak, a bit of job security [Washington Post]

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