Friday, March 30, 2007

Redskins eat own young

In a tragic display of instincts gone awry, the Washington Redskins this week again cannibalized their own young, jeopardizing the franchise's future for short-term sustenance.

In a springtime ritual that has become all too familiar in Washington, the Redskins
offered a top-ten and a sixth-round draft pick to the Bears for linebacker Lance Briggs and a lower first-round selection. At the same time, the Redskins have set up a meeting with blue-chip quarterback and likely number-one pick JaMarcus Russell, undoubtedly shaking the confidence of young quarterback Jason Campbell, who the Redskins drafted in 2005 after again sacrificing their own draft picks to move up in the draft and select him. This is to say nothing of linebacker Rocky McIntosh, last year's second-round draft pick who would presumably be supplanted by Briggs on the depth chart. The Redskins gave the New York Jets last year's second- and sixth-round picks, as well as this year's second-round pick, for the rights to move up 18 spaces in that draft to select McIntosh.

Another Redskins youngling cowers on the ground just before being devoured.

It is a behavior that is slowly becoming destiny for the Redskins, as year after year finds the team consuming its own future in draft picks and refusing to develop younger talent, opting instead for salary-cap-destroying free agents.

"We went 5-11 last year, so our goal is to win now," said Redskins owner and de facto general manager Daniel Snyder in a rare media interview. "Does this seem like a time to go back to the drawing board to you? I don't think so."

Unlike in the animal kingdom, where even the wildest of instincts are based upon the fundamental tenet of survival of the fittest, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the quagmire of mediocrity and inconsistency at Redskins park. Egotistical mercenary veterans run rampant, undercutting team cohesion, while
players who are told they are valuable are, like the team's young, often cannibalized.

Caught on tape for the first time: the Redskins prepare to
make another meal....of themselves.

"Why mess with a winning formula?" Snyder said. "When I finally win the Super Bowl, I -- or my security detail -- am going to come down from my sky box and slap each and every one of you with a wet rag, right across your insolent faces. Future, shmuture. I want to win NOW! NOW! NOW!"

"When does the next batch of hatchlings appear?" he continued. "Bring them before me NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! My formula is unstoppable. Whoops, sorry. I just accidentally took a bite of my own face there. Well, that's a feeding frenzy for you. But see the success? Why must the little people spew so much hate?

"I just don't get it."

Briggs Trade Just One Scenario [Washington Post]
Redskins to Sit Down with QB Russell [ESPN]
- Redskins Draft Miami's McIntosh [Washington Post]
- New Redskins Are Introduced: Carter Joins Four Other Acquisitions [Washington Post]
Problems at the Core [Washington Post]

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I just don't have the heart to write the "Palestinians Up Shit's Creek" headline

Without taking any sides here, isn't it fairly safe to say that the Palestinian people lead some of the suckiest lives on Planet Earth? Hey, I'm just saying. In absolute value terms, they have crappy lives. And for some Gaza townspeople, I mean that literally, as a sewage basin ruptured yesterday and literally released a deadly tidal wave of putrid, putrid human waste on a Gaza village. Oh, and animal waste, too. Don't forget animal waste! At least four people died.

Don't touch the scum, kids! And oh, how I wish
that really was just scum! I'd eat five pounds
of scum right now if all that was was ordinary scum!

Let us ponder this for a moment. Living in the Gaza Strip, you are most likely living on a sweltering, squalid dirt farm. There are drum-tight border check points in every direction, and thus you are generally one errant pizza delivery away from bloody streetfighting with your next-door neighbor and mortal enemy -- who is generally regarded as having one of the fiercest armies pound for pound in the world. And your best means of defense in that event? Blowing yourselves up. And now, your grandmother has drowned in a shit tsunami, and you'll be cleaning bits of decomposed goat entrails off of what's left of your meager possessions for the rest of your natural life. I mean, is this rock bottom here? What's next? Locusts? The Plague? Everyone gets free puzzles with one piece missing? All their TVs get only the TV Guide Channel? I'm just saying -- it's a tough row to hoe out there.

Flood of Sewage in Gaza Kills at Least 4 [New York Times]

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Photo credit: Mahmud Hams/AFP -- Getty Images

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Wait, did Congress just do something?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Naaaaaaaaahhhhh, wait, wait, wait. What just happened here. I think you kinda lost me for a second there, Washington Post. Are you trying to tell me that BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS have passed a bill on a major issue? I don't even know what the issue is -- Iraq? Forever stamps? They want to make Toucan Sam the national bird? Whatever. But you are trying to tell me that both houses actually passed something? Speak American again, eggheads. This does not compute. So I tell you what -- I'm going to be in my spaceship. Okay? You call me when you're ready again to write articles like a sane newspaper.

Are you talking about the same Congress who hasn't passed a freaking budget yet for the fiscal year we are currently in because they can't agree on what they ate for breakfast this morning? The same Congress led by the scattershot Democrats, who wish to feed the multitudes with five loaves and fishes? Hey, sounds great. Meanwhile, I'm just going to tap this rock with my staff here and get the Grey Goose flowing out of it. Because you're making me need a drink.

But you're honestly saying this bill soon go to the President's desk?!?!?!? Wait, he's not going to sign it, is he?
Oh, noooooo, nooooo, nooooo. See, now you're starting to make sense again. I thought you were going to tell me they were going to, you know, fulfill the legislative process. All that how-a-bill-becomes a law hooey from cartoon land.

Wake up, Polyanna. You almost had yourself a beautiful little dream there. As for me, I'm going back to Cynical Island. You know. I have a bungalow there. It's an island in the Skeptical Sea? I live in the Valley of Hopelessness? The views suck, but for now, it's pretty daggone comfortable.

Senate Signals Support for Iraq Timeline [Washington Post]
Bush: House Timetable Will Not Survive Veto [NPR]

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The Miller Lite Smithsonian Institution expresses regret over Small's departure

It is a dark day for museum lovers, as Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence Small has resigned amid controversy over his spending of taxpayer dollars on swimming pool maintenance and personal travel, among other things.

Throughout his career there, Small was the subject of vitriol from the academics of the institution. Which, henceforth in this post I will refer to as "the dweeby nosepickers," or just simply "the nosepickers."

Stuffy museum scientists lack this kind of vision.

Anyway, the dweeby nosepickers had a problem with the fact that he was giving away things like naming rights to rich donors (for example, the American History Museum building is now called the Kenneth E. Behring center, and so on). I say, think bigger, guys. Picture this -- the National Air and Space Museum, fueled by Mountain Dew. I can almost hear that museum's demographics skewing younger. How can you not be on board with this kind of modern thinking? I'll tell you how. Because you pick your nose all the time.

People also got upset because he gave himself a salary of $915,000 (or more than twice the established base for Smithsonian executives) as well as perks like $273,000 in maid expenses. And I'm taking "maid expenses" here to mean "sex with maids." You can't pull the wool over my eyes on that one, Lawrence, you devilish dog. How else could you possibly spend that much money on maid services unless they were dripping hot lemon wax on your genitals while the wife was on holiday in Malta with that falafel-hued pool boy, whose "expenses" we also heard about?

He also, according to the dweeby nosepickers, wasn't overly committed to research. But here's the flip side. He raised record amounts of money. That's it. Argument over. What else do you need? Oh, you think the Smithsonian's "soul" is more important than that? Please. Buildings don't have souls. They're inanimate objects. Check, and mate. Nosepicker.

And furthermore, when was the last time you went to the Smithsonian to see their awesome research? I've never seen any compelling "research" exhibits, have you? Ooooh, look, honey. The nosepickers are about to conduct some research right in front of our very eyes. Get the camera ready! Yeah, I don't think so, pal. What Small realized that the dweeby nosepickers did not, is why people like museums. They need more exciting stuff that you can buy with lots of money. For example, I was in ESPN Zone the other day, and they had little television sets over the urinals. Can you believe it! Television sets over the freaking urinals! And you could change the channel by simply redirecting your urine stream onto a different quadrant of the specially formulated urinal cake! Amazing. I may have dreamed that last part, but still. This is what you museum nosepickers should be coming up with! The world doesn't need another moldy painting or historical artifact. We need television sets you can control with your urine stream. Research that. Jerks.

And until then, I'm boycotting the Smithsonian and its "one-of-a-kind experiences" or whatever. Lawrence Small was right, nosepickers. And down the road, when you're lighting cigars with the special flame only produced by centuries-old parchment documents, you'll know who to thank.

Smithsonian's Small Quits in Wake of Inquiry [Washington Post]
Smithsonian Institution Announces Biggest Single Donation in its 154-year History [Smithsonian Institution]

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

In lieu of office pools, next year I'm going to directly flush my money down the commode

I really like that word. "Commode." Ah, savor the sophistication.

Outstanding game today between Georgetown and North Carolina, with the Hoyas prevailing in overtime. They just seemed to outlast the Tar Heels, getting every key rebound, making clutch free throws, and pulling out every big stop down the stretch.

It was tough to figure out who to root for there, as I actually do root for both of these teams when Maryland is not involved. But it was nice to see local hoops get into the Final Four. It'll make for a more interesting week around here, if nothing else. And it's always fun to pretend I'm a big fan of some program just because they're still alive. Fairweather fandom is really underrated.

So I'll keep rooting for them at this point, seeing as how my bracket is totally ruined because Kansas -- once again -- didn't come through. I don't even know why I picked them to win the whole thing. They do this every single year. They're always really balanced, they peak at the right time, and then they crap the bed in the tournament. It's the Jayhawk tradition. And speaking of crap, that's what I'm doing with the money I paid to enter two office pools this year. I'm just crapping money down the crapper. Like it's my job. Why do I enter these damn things? Why did I pick Wisconsin going to the elite eight? And now I have to listen to the resident office cocky guy crow about being in first place, when all he did was pick the chalk and ride it out like the no-imagination pencil neck that he is. Meanwhile, everyone knows I'm a college basketball junky, so I have to hear about being in 173rd place or whatever. Hey, I thought you were supposed to be good at this stuff! Office cocky guy said he didn't even pay any attention to his picks, he just wrote out the favorites! I heard the pot is like four thousand dollars this year!

Hey, sounds great. You know what, I'm going to go ahead and drink this ink cartridge now. Do you think that will be poisonous enough to kill me? If my office was on a higher floor, I'd just throw myself out of it. That'd be awesome. Hey, office cocky guy is on a floor that's probably high enough. Do you think he'd let me use his window? Yeah, probably not. So what was I talking about? Oh, right, go Hoyas, whatever, I don't care. And screw Kansas. Go back to eating wheat or whatever it is you people do. I heard Danny Manning was gay.

Something Extra [Washington Post]

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Friday, March 23, 2007

At the changing of the seasons

I deliver these verses:

When the winter-tide
bids long farewell
to the frost-bonded soil
of her hardened bed,

Fair Lady Sun
opens forth her petals.
Release the deeds
unknown in the cover
of lovely winter-tide,
who had broken the plough-burnished
ground to grind!

Let the works and days
spring o'er the frost
and forbear not the toil
forgotten by winter,
forgotten for deeds
unknown in the offing.
And turn forth again
that full face of spring,
and let her faun thus
bask and shine.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm selling orange drink in the back for gas money. So please. Indulge in some orange drink. Thank you so much, and have a gentle weekend.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The notion of accuracy gives me seizures!

Just watched Memphis beat Texas A&M in the Sweet 16 game. Great game, but I must say -- there was a bit of a problem at the end. Here comes a rant.

But before I go into it, I want to express for the record that I have had a lot of interaction with the mentally, physically, and developmentally disabled in my lifetime. I really have. My mother for a time was a teacher in a school for the disabled. The disabled are generally capable of more than the public gives them credit for. And I watched Life Goes On. I have plenty of exposure. So all I'm saying here is, they shouldn't hold high-profile jobs. Such as, I don't know,
college basketball referees. They just can't handle it! That whole "everyone's a winner" vibe doesn't hold much water when you're determining the outcome of an event in which only one winner is humanly possible.

To wit: With 3.1 seconds left in the game, Texas A&M threw the ball in, only to have it knocked out of bounds by a Memphis player. Tipping the ball with your hands right before it goes out of bounds should take about 0.2 to 0.3 seconds off the clock. At least, according to general rules and to announcers Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery, who only have a combined 379 years of college basketball coverage between them. But after reviewing the call for, oh, about five minutes, the refs decided the clock should be set at 2.0. So, 1.1 seconds were taken off. That's enough so that the Aggies could only get off a desperation shot rather than running a coherent play. Ball game.

So my question is: why are the special needs people relied upon to do math in these situations? It embarrasses them, and it embarrasses everybody else. We don't want to be in the position of telling them they're, like, not exactly right on their painstakingly considered calculations. Do we? So why are they out there? It's a mystery. And in the meantime, it's the Aggies' loss. Literally.

Everyone's a winner. Until some ref goes and pukes on him(or her)self at midcourt. Just something to think about.

- Aggies Lose to Memphis in Thriller [Houston Chronicle]

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It's Groundhog Day in Washington

I realize I have been somewhat delinquent lately in my political posts. But that's because there's nothing of substance to say that hasn't already been said a million times before. Even in this teensy little Weblog, I have summoned the awareness to notice that Washington was spinning its wheels. And that was three months ago!

I know how you feel, Bill.

So here's the road map for what's left of Bush's term:

1) The
Democrats play whack-a-mole with the White House on Iraq, making threat after threat and introducing bill after bill. Some of it may pass the House, only to die a slow, sloooooooow death in the Senate.

2) Congress tries in vain to press the rest of its varied agenda. The most recent example would be
Al Gore testifying on global warming before Congress yesterday. He made some good points, but for some reason certain lawmakers -- led by Texas Rep. Joe Barton and Oklahoma Sen. James Inhofe -- are still questioning the science behind all of this, which means they are either grossly misinformed or intellectually dishonest. It's one or the other. You can argue the right approach or the ramifications of change, but you can't argue the science anymore. You just can't. As for the general prospects for this and all other legislation, see #1.

3) Scandal, scandal, and scandal. It's one after another. And this is where the real hamster wheel effect comes in. After Halliburton, it was Tom DeLay. Then it was Valerie Plame and Scooter Libby. Then it was Walter Reed Hospital. Now it's
Alberto Gonzales and the federal judges. Lather, rinse, repeat. The Democrats seem to be in an especially muckraking mood lately, rather than focusing on their much-ballyhooed agenda. But on the other hand, they wouldn't have any muck to rake if the Republicans didn't set it up on a tee for them. Over. And Over. Again.

All of this, plus the usual dispatches from the Middle East about "tough talk" this and "U.N. sanctions" that, and for the last several months I feel like I'm constantly reading the same headlines. And there's no end in sight. Things might get more interesting when the budget talks begin in earnest this spring and real dollars come into play, but I really don't know. And I realize the policy process (by design, and rightly so) is very deliberate. But come on! I'm tired of this hamster wheel. Get me off! And I mean that in a non-sexual way! I suppose!

Debate Over Iraq Pullout Aside, Bush Needs a War Spending Bill [Washington Post]
Gore Implores Congress to Save Planet [Washington Post]
Some Heated Words for Mr. Global Warming [Washington Post]
House Panel Authorizes Subpoenas Of Officials [Washington Post]

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Chris Sligh is totally going to clean up on hymns week

So it turns out that American Idol contestant Chris Sligh is a fundamentalist Christian. He even attended Bob Jones University -- you know, the school that outlawed black students until 1971, banned interracial dating until 2000, and requires students to "wear socks at all times." What about when I'm in the shower? Riddle me that, Bob.

The Lord is my homeboy. Word up.

So the point is, I guess I was wrong about
Chris being "the party guy" in the college dorm. It turns out he's the acoustic-guitar-strumming proselytizing guy. Hey, man, what are you up to this weekend? Some of my friends and I are getting together for pizza and a psalm-athon. Everyone is welcome, man. We'd love for you to come down.

I thought maybe something was amiss when he sang a song called
"Wanna Be Loved" by famous Christian group D.C. Talk a few weeks back. But what can I say? I just thought maybe he liked the song.

Meanwhile, Bob Jones University people are "disappointed" with the fact that he's not singing a hardcore Christian song every week. Yesterday was British invasion night, guys. What do you want from him? Just bide your time until hymns week. Then, verily I say unto you, will it truly be time to worship.

Of course, I'm not saying he's bad because of his ultra-strange, borderline cultish religious past. I'm just saying that, well, I can't think of a way to finish this sentence.

Idol Contestant's faith questioned [Yahoo! News]
Bob Jones University [Wikipedia]
Just another day in the American Idol boys dorm [No One Appreciates Me]

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(photo credit: American Idol)

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

What's next for the Terps?

So with Maryland's basketball season now over, it's time to take a look at next season. What, too soon, you say? Well, let me offer a rejoinder. In the form of a question. And that question is: Do you see any laurels around here? What do you think. Where are the laurels? Why don't I go ahead and answer for you, cowboy. And, the answer is, you don't see any laurels. Why? Because Maryland doesn't freaking HAVE any freaking laurels, you freaking grease bag! If we ever get some laurels again, we will rest on them. But until then, it's back to work, buddy. For them, of course. Not me. I'm just writing a blog post.

So with this season now in the books, we purge bid farewell to the final links to the shipwrecked era that was the John Gilchrist/Travis Garrison/Nik Caner-Medley rein of underacheivement. With varying degrees of wistfulness, we say good-bye now to D.J. Strawberry, Mike Jones, Ekene Ibekwe, Gini Chukura, and Parrish Brown. But I think I'll miss Will Bowers most of all. So long, Will. Good luck doing whatever it is clumsy seven-footers with questionable haircuts do after college. Dunk contest prop? Light bulb installer? Shelf things-reacher? Human tether ball pole? I don't know about you, but I'm excited to see where the future takes young Will Bowers.

But as for next season. Who are we saying hello to? Well, we need some size. Right? So here comes Alexandria-by-way-of-England power forward
Shane Walker. In addition, have you ever heard of a city called Baltimore? Kind of a basketball hotbed, with a bunch of high school stars (most recently Carmelo Anthony) who hardly ever committed to Maryland? Well, we finally got some in 6-8 seemingly Lonny Baxteresque Braxton Dupree and 6-7 PF Dino Gregory. They seem a little undersized for big men, but it's still nice to see some positive developments on the Baltimore front.

DaJuan Summers doesn't want no Dino Gregory.
Get that mess out of here.

Also, are you thinking we could use a slasher? A little athleticism on the wing? Please welcome Adrian Bowie, a 6-4 penetrator from Montrose Christian. Montrose Christian is this really, really small school in Rockville, but it has had a lot of great players come out of there (some guy named Kevin Durant, etc.). But until Greivis Vasquez, no player from there had gone to Maryland since the ill-fated Exree Hipp signing in the early 1990s. Some people thought Gary Williams and the Montrose Christian coach were feuding, but if they were, they seem to have squashed it now, which is great news for both schools with Vasquez and now Bowie and potentially more blue-chippers on the way. Dare I use the word "pipeline?" Nah. Better not jinx it. But things are looking up.

(Also, here's one for your futures file: PG County high school sophomore and budding phenom Maurice Creek. He can apparently do it all, is a good kid, and is already getting interest from big schools like UConn and Syracuse. The kicker: he and his coach both badly want him to play for Maryland. No official interest yet from Maryland, although it is still very early. But this one seems gift-wrapped on a tee for the Terps. It will be extremely interesting to see what happens here.)

So add that to another year of experience for Vasquez and Eric Hayes (including the valuable juice of having made it to the tourney in their first year), plus some hopefully senior leadership out of James Gist and Bambale Osby, whose games took big strides this past season and could do so again now that they don't have to share touches with Crazy Ekene Ibekewe. More minutes for the physically gifted but seldom used SF
Landon Milbourne along with not-yet-used center Jerome Burney, and the team will have a considerably different look. Will this team show the consistency and resolve that its predecessors did not? Will they build on this season's tourney run? Will they acquire some laurels? Only TIME......will tell. Goterps.

Shane Walker profile []
Player Spotlight: Braxton Dupree profile [PressBoxOnline]
Bowie, Terps a perfect fit []
Key assist [Baltimore Sun]
Dino Gregory profile []
Burney Finds Another ACC Home []
- Interest Booming for Creek []
Landon Milbourne profile []

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(photo credit: The Baltimore Sun)

Monday, March 19, 2007

Worst March Madness weekend ever

First of all, I would like to thank my lovely wife for writing that post for me on Thursday or Friday or whatever it was. Usually, I spend my March Madness/St. Patrick's Day weekend the way it is supposed to be spent: shuttling back and forth between bars and couches in a beery haze. But for this one, I ended up in sunny Los Angeles for a professional conference. It's so thoughtful of them to schedule something over the weekend. You know - so my work week is not disrupted! It's like a gift.

Go Bruins. Oh, and Tupac is now the best rapper.
You ain't got no love for Death Row? And the West?

The upshot of all this is that my access to the Internet, the games, free time, and alcohol were all severely limited. The destination could have been worse - A LOT worse. But nevertheless, I think I now know how those people in those third-world countries feel. And the answer is, they feel VERY similar to the way I feel right now. All right.

With that said, I still had a chance to watch some games and collect some thoughts that I will now regurgitate in bullet-style fashion. Without further ado:

  • Same old Terps. They did a nice if uninspiring job against Davidson, but couldn't execute when it really mattered against a more poised Butler squad. That ball bouncing impotently off of Mike Jones' hands with 0.5 seconds left summed up the entire last three seasons for me. They had some unlucky breaks, and I won't forget their awesome run to get into the tourney, and this team was definitely better than last year's. But what can I say -- it's time to turn the page.

  • This year's tourney featured my and my wife's alma mater (Maryland), my dad's alma mater (Virginia Tech) my sister's alma mater (the exciting VCU) and my brother's current school (Old Dominion), plus a school in a town we all lived in for several years growing up (Texas A&M). (My mother went to Radford, so she doesn't count.) I thought that warranted mentioning.

  • The ACC did a great job of representing itself in this year's tournament. And by "representing," I mean "puking on."

  • Texas A&M is nails. Not much more to say about Acie Law, but Dominque Kirk is nice, too. He's the kind of player Maryland could use. Smooth, but not soft. Repeat that with me, Gary Williams. Smooth, but not soft. Smooth, but NOT SOFT. Back, and to the left.

  • Being on the West Coast, I had a chance to watch a lot more UCLA this weekend than I did during the regular season back East. And they're a much better team than I thought. Afflalo and Mbah a Whatevere Yinka Dare are both very strong players. I hate it when some basketball apologist says a low-scoring crap fest was a "defensive battle," but that Indiana-Bruin game really was a great one. I'm glad I have them going to the Elite Eight in my bracket, losing to my predicted champion Kansas.

  • Speaking of brackets, I'm actually in pretty decent shape. Of course, all my teams will lose now that I say that, but it's still nice. I predicted Vandy's Sweet 16 berth, and came within three points of correctly predicting a similar run for VCU. My final four is Kansas, Ohio State, Florida, and Georgetown, with the Jayhawks edging the Buckeyes for the title.
All right. Well, it's good to be back in a normal place, where I can once again plot my day on a normal time zone and dissect the Valerie Plame testimony like a normal person. Good day to you.

Mike Wise: Big Opportunity Wasted [Washington Post]
Long Arm of the Law Carries Texas A&M [Houston Chronicle]
Close, No Scars for Bruins [L.A. Times]

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Friday, March 16, 2007

Radio Silence

Dear Reader,

I regret to inform you that "No One Appreciates Me. At All." will be on unexpected hiatus until Monday, March 19.

MSH was under the impression that internet access would be made available to him while on business travel in LA - but such was not the case. Unfortunate, considering that he lugged a borrowed laptop across the country for that express purpose - but sometimes these things happen. Especially to him. Only to him, really. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why he was surprised...he should be used to this by now.

Who would have thought the largest city in California (considered to be a world center of technology) would be unable to provide simple internet access to its business travelers? It seems absurd. Such is a day in the life of "No One Appreciates Me. At All."

Stay tuned for the next installment of "NOAMAA" on Monday, March 19 - when MSH returns with rousing insight and mind blowing creative wit.

Until then, have a great weekend...happy St. Patty's day...and goterps!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Welcome Back to "That's Not A Word!"

Yes, yes, thank you very much. Thank you. Stop it! That's enough! Oh my goodness! Please, sit down! Ahhhh, yes.

Thank you so much for that warm welcome. And now I'd like to welcome YOU back to another episode of "That's Not A Word!" Today's contestant is none other than famous American Idol judge Diana Ross. She did some musical stuff, but it most likely happened before you were born, meaning it has no bearing today! So we'll just move on. Okay, terrific.

Very funny with the Elvira image here. Now post the real
Diana Ross photo, thanks.

Diana, on last night's episode, you told Idol finalist Gina Glocksen, who was singing a rendition of one of your old (and thus titularly unimportant) songs, to be sure and "pronunciate" each syllable. Perhaps just a slip of the tongue? Perhaps you simply meant "enunciate" and misspoke? But no. You repeated the phrase. "Pronunciate everything," you tell Gina, who, for her part, nods enthusiastically. So congratulations, Dirty Diana, THAT'S NOT A WORD!

Excellent, Diana, just excellent. You're our big winner! And what shall be your prize? As a way of helping you to clearly and properly "enunciate" each and every one of your own words as you go about your day-to-day business -- the lyrics of your life, if I may be so bold -- we've arranged for you to take auctioneering classes from the
Auctioneers Training Center! From farm and merchandise sales proceedings to developing and enhancing your own distinctive auctioneering chant, the Auctioneers Training Center has the tools and resources to make you the best enunciator you can be. So have fun, Diana, and best of luck. And we'll see YOU next time on "That's Not A Word!"

American Idol [Washington Post]
Auctioneers Training Center
Previous Episode of That's Not A Word [No One Appreciates Me]

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