I always cry at The Masters

(In five, four, three, two, cue piano...)

Jim Nantz: Welcome once again, to The Masters. This is the 70th renewal of the tradition here at Augusta, a tradition unlike any other, of any kind, anywhere, in the world. The excellence. The majesty. The Tradition. And the tradition. Here at Augusta, where the warm spring sunshine falls golden upon the shoulders...of the world's greatest golfers. Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson has sounded the horn for the start of "The Toonament," and the patrons are watching...for history. The azaleas are in full bloom around Amen Corner, and Rae's Creek sparkles with the knowledge...that a new champion...a new Master...is about...to be crowned.


The approach at 13...and I've got something in my eye.

Hi again, everybody, I'm Jim Nantz, alongside my partner David Faherty, David, after the first day, Vijay Singh holds the lead, but another, less likely face, is hot upon his Fijian heels.

David Faherty: That's right, Jimmy, ya fookin Yankee!! Rocco Mediate is only a wee shot behind. But frankly, I doon't see hoo anythin could make this anymore borin rite noo, with Vijay and Rocco havin all the charisma of shoe leather, Jimmy!

Jim Nantz: Oh, come on!

David Faherty: Noo, it's true, and you'd say it yourself if you weren't so stuffy in your stuffed soot, Jimmy! Throw Retief Goosen into the mix, and I'd litrally be dyin of boredom! Rite in fronta ya! Me airways would slooly be dryin up, and the ooxygen would slooly be choked off from me lungs!

Jim Nantz: So who do you like here...to make a charge...at Augusta National...on this second day? And where? Perhaps at Golden Bell! Or the haunting, mysterious Nandina, who confounds even the world's greatest...with her allure...and her beauty.

David Faherty: Well, I don't know about that, Jimmy. All I knoo is they've been yappin a lot about how power hitters are out of luck with the new course re-design. But nevertheless, I like the chances of the Left-Hander, Phil Mickelson, to make a move. He has the sweetest swing since John L. Sullivan, and he'll put it to right and proper yoose todeey.

Jim Nantz: Thank you, David. And now...let this montage...take you back...and revist the ghosts of Augusta past...who have donned the green jacket in Masters glory...

(In five, four, three, two...turn up the piano...aaand, montage!)

Sports, Golf, The Masters, Amen Corner, Rich White Guys, CBS, PGA Tour, Sports Media

Black Cat getting rooftop deck?

Saw in DCist, my favorite DC-centric blog, that the Black Cat may be expanding its operations outside and to the rooftop. That's awesome - I don't know how many times I've said to myself, "I really want a bird's eye view of U Street. I wonder what that vacant lot with the barbed wire fence around it looks like from above." But seriously - I hope they get it done. Black Cat is one of the best places for music in the city.

Story Link

Movie Review: Inside Man

Just to refresh your memory, I write these for the company newsletter I edit as part of my job duties. I'm posting them here now as well.

As I settled in for “Inside Man,” the Spike Lee-directed crime thriller starring everyman hero Denzel Washington, I figured this film would be the most recent link in a chain of watchable but increasingly similar Denzel vehicles. You know the kind I’m talking about—The Manchurian Candidate, Man On Fire, John Q, and so forth. The kind of movies for which the ads depict a regular Joe, maybe a little downtrodden by life, playing with the kids, canoodling with the wife, and working some really cool job, until something goes horribly wrong, and the regular Joe rises to the occasion. Good for a couple hours of solid, somewhat soapboxy, but largely entertaining, er, entertainment.

But to my surprise, Inside Man, which opened March 24, was not one of those movies. First, because it wasn't All About Denzel. And second, because it proved to be a more substantial movie, and was actually one of the more suspenseful films I’ve seen in a while.

Washington stars as Keith Frazier, a down-on-his-luck New York City detective who springs into action when word arrives at the precinct that some serious stuff is going down at The Big Bank On Wall Street. The Sarge would have sent his best detective, but he called in sick or something. This is Everyman’s big chance! On the other side, the serious stuff is being perpetrated by a no-nonsense band of thieves led by Dalton Russell, a more-than-worthy foil played by Clive Owen. Between Owen and Washington, “Inside Man” has enough charisma and sex appeal to destroy a small village and everything in it. So be afraid of that.

As the minutely planned heist unfolds (think of a more intricate version of the bank robbery in “Heat,” one of the greatest heist scenes of all time, by the way) and the cops-and-robbers conflict develops in earnest, the narrative turns deftly to Jodie Foster, playing a purring blonde, all-white-clad, soulless, Ivy League, polite-in-conversation-but-she’ll-tear-your-throat-out-if-it-helps-her-bottom-line go-getter named Madeline White. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but I think I detect a hint of symbolism here.

Even though the exact nature of White’s vocation is left noticeably unarticulated, her job is clear enough: She helps powerful people get, by any means necessary, what they want. For a heavy price, of course. The fact that Madeline White is entering the fray tips us off that This Is No Ordinary Bank Robbery.

And with the cast of characters set, the intrigue deepens. And deepens. And deepens. And no one seems overly eager to provide any insight. That’s one problem with the movie—the storytelling's a little clumsy. There are only so many questions one can ask before one has to provide at least a couple of answers. In other words, there’s no slow unraveling to this plot. They confuse the heck out of you and then dump the resolution on you like they're dropping off old clothes at Goodwill. It seemed in retrospect as if Lee and debut screenwriter Russell Gewirtz set up the ending, then spent the rest of the time finding ways to make things as confusing as possible until the last 30 minutes.

But on the other hand, it’s a pretty darn good 30 minutes. Before they graced me with the ending, I found myself looking at my watch and thinking “there is no way they’re going to satisfactorily resolve this in the next 30 minutes. Either they’re going to fudge, or this is a three-hour movie.”

But that was not the case. Resolve it they did, satisfyingly so, and not without a dose of the social commentary (and I mean that as a compliment) we’ve all come to expect from Washington and Lee. The ending isn’t mind-blowing or life-altering—just thoughtful, interesting, and plain old good.

“Inside Man”—and is that the best we can come up with for a title?—rises well above the everymovie scrap heap through good acting (especially from Owen, who for better or worse I couldn’t stop thinking of as a more smoldering version of John Cusack), an interesting story, a self-aware sense of humor, and Lee’s ever-present spin on race and life in contemporary America. Lee’s style of storytelling is not a perfect fit for the crime/action movie, so if he tried this again it might be a clunker. But “Inside Man” definitely pulls off the job.

Technorati tags: Movies, Movie Reviews, Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Inside Man

GO TERPS!

Okay, so I didn't see any of the game. I didn't even see any highlights, except for the game-tying three-pointer at the end of regulation. I make no secret of not enjoying women's basketball. But at the end of the day, what the hell does my opinion matter? After what was by all accounts a hard-fought, well-played and extremely impressive overtime victory over archrival Duke (Duke Sucks!), the Maryland "Lady" Terrapins delivered the program's first national title and deserve their time in the sun. Put the women's college basketball elite on notice. There's a new kid in town.


Big ups, ladies.

Paced by a gutty effort from senior leader Shay Doron and great coaching from Brenda "Hot or Not?" Frese, the Terps rallied to get the kind of victory I don't seem to remember the men folks getting this year. Come to think of it, with this, plus the University of Maryland sports victories earlier this season in soccer and field hockey, we're on a pretty nice roll! Whenever the high-profile squads want to join in, that'd be great. Goterps.

Washington Post Story Link

(Photo Credit: www.umterps.com)

Terps, Women's basketball, Sports, Maryland, Basketball

Farewell, to a different TomKat

No, not the one getting fake married. Two of my heroes - Tom DeLay and Katie Couric - have announced they are riding into their respective sunsets, after a fashion. Couric, journalistic powerhouse and the greatest elf spokeswoman since E.L. Fudge, is reportedly leaving the Today show to anchor the CBS evening news. And DeLay, that bastion of honesty, fairness, and cooperation on Capitol Hill, has decided not to seek another term in Congress.

I say, why do the good always have to leave us so soon?

Katie, despite cruelty-to-staff rumors, I loved you like an aunt. A sister. A second wife, even. And although you're going on to bigger things, your old Today show pastures will never smell as sweet to this viewer. Maybe you want Kirsten Dunst to bring her own meatball questions next time. Is that what you want? Huh? And who's going to clap along blankly with Marc Anthony at this year's Summer Concert Series? WHO, KATIE? And Ann Coulter can't glower at herself, you know. Or wait - maybe she can.

And Tom, Tom. My man. Who's going to orchestrate all those super-effective grassroots efforts, help our nation's beleaguered wealthy, and take all those lobbyist bribes? When I think of all those C-notes blowing ownerless out of briefcases and drifting down Independence Avenue in the plucky April breeze, the porterhouse steak cooling uneaten on The Caucus Room table, the private jet all gassed up with nowhere to go, well, I didn't sleep a wink last night. Who, oh WHO, is going to stand up for the principles and convictions of liberty and justice for all, the very ideals this country was founded on, if not THE HAMMER? WHO?

So please excuse me if I'm rambling. I'm exhausted from sleeplessness. And crying. Good day.

Washington Post Link on Couric

Washington Post Link on DeLay

Technorati tags: Washington, Politics, Media, Tom DeLay, The Hammer, Katie Couric, NBC, Television, Congress, I hate liberals, the Today show

Yes...what DID happen to the erotic thriller?

Interesting article on CNN.com, regarding the demise of the erotic thriller. It's written almost wistfully, like erotic thrillers were a beloved American Institution gone to pasture, like Bob's Big Boy or book reading. Where have you gone, The Erotic Thriller? A nation turns its lonely eyes...to you....


It all felt so right...till it all turned so wrong...

So from this point forward, I hope to help resurrect this forgotten monolith of pop culture. First step - beat the bushes for some desperate actresses. Jamie Luner comes to mind, but she ALWAYS comes to mind. Hmmm...Jennie "The WB" Garth, Yasmine Bleeth, Rebecca De Mornay, Dana Delaney, Amanda Peet, and on and on. This is like shooting fish in a barrel. A SEXY barrel. I smell a groundswell...let's take back the theater for people who like nudity but can't bring themselves to watch porn!

CNN Story Link

Erotic Thrillers, Sex, Nudity, Basic Instinct 2, Sharon Stone, Movies, Film, Media, Body of Evidence, Color of Night

My fantasy baseball team - Holy Crap!

So for the second season, I'm playing roto baseball. This is the major team sport I know the least about. But unlike fantasy football, which I consistently and completely overthink, I think my relative lack of knowledge is a positive thing. My 12-team league is set for auto draft, and I made no edits to my team rankings beforehand. I think I got the first pick, but still -- my team is going to kick some ass! My pitching staff is a little injured, but I have faith. Here's my lineup:

Catcher - Josh Willingham

First base - Paul "Freaking" Konerko and Mike Sweeney (anyone want to trade?)

Second base - Alfonso Soriano

Shortstop - Nomar "please stay healthy" Garciaparra

Third - A-Rod

Left field - Coco Crisp

Center - Willie Taveras and Vernon Wells

Right - Ichiro

Pitchers - Mark Buerhle, Roger "please come back" Clemens, Ben Sheets, Joe Borowski, Kerry Wood, Trevor Hoffman, Livan Hernandez, Aaron Harang

Man, that's good. I hope it pans out. Go team!

John Feinstein, praising a mid-major school? Now I've seen everything.

Author and occassional Washington Post columnist John "I can't decide whether I like him or not" Feinstein writes in his column today that "in looking back on this [NCAA] tournament years from now, people will say, 'Oh yeah, 2006, that was the year that (fill-in-the-winning team here) won the championship,' before inevitably adding, 'Wasn't that George Mason's year?' Yes, that's exactly what this was: George Mason's year."

First of all, I can't say I disagree (especially after watching LSU's disgraceful performance, as Billy Packer screamed in the background "Glen Davis is signaling for timeout! He can NOT get up and down the floor right now! He can NOT run with UCLA"). Secondly, though, his columns are like clockwork. If there's a mid-major basketball school involved, Feinstein's column defending or praising that school is imminent. I would bet money that Feinstein has already inked the George Mason book deal, with a tentative title like "Patriot Games: Days and nights with George Mason's underdogs." It's a shame Vegas doesn't take such bets. Any takers out there?

Story Link

final four, College Basketball, Sports, George Mason, Washington Post, Media, Sports Media

Dear Slate, you complete me, love, me

I never knew what happiness was, Slate Magazine. On your front page today reside articles on Bill Frist, a toaster, Barry Bonds, baby seals, journalism, and breast-feeding. What a cornucopia of pleasures for coach-class morons like me who have to look up the spelling of words like "cornucopia."

Perhaps the best dispatch from today's edition, however, is the one on so-called Katrina Cottages, little 400-square-foot houses designed to be erected on devastated lots and eventually turned into permanent homes. According to the writer - some guy named "Witold" - they cost $10,000 less than the temporary trailers provided by FEMA. Unfortunately, they seem to be modeled after the dollhouse my dad built for my sister back in 1986, without using any tools. But hey, beggars can't choose, right? Hope you like your new stove. It's Zippo powered! But you have to supply your own Zippo. As someone who has spent a lot of time in trailers and trailer parks, I must say - I'd have gone with the trailer.


Do you think my roof makes me look fat?

Where was I before I started being mean. Ah, yes. Slate, I love you so. So fucking much! Where else would I have learned of such a story? Nowhere. That's where.

Story Link

(Photo Credit: Slate. Of course.)

Staredowns - are your children safe?

When news breaks, The Gazette is there! According to today's Gazette.net, several Frederick County high school students are returning to class after they "threateningly eyed each other" a few days ago, in what a school spokeswoman characterized as "a form of intimidation."

Whew! I'm glad that's behind us...for now. In the meantime, here's a question the story didn't answer - where do staredowns rank on the intimidation scale? Are they above or below the glove slap? The mother joke? The spit-at-the-feet? The smoke-in-the-face? Inquiring minds want to know!

Meanwhile, in other Gazette news: Rowdy Teens On Corner May Possess Swiss Army Knife! Planning Board Commissioner Falls Asleep During Mandatory Referral Hearing! Local Man Wears T-shirt! You heard it HERE first.

The Gazette Story Link

Technorati tags: News, Hard news, Journalism, Media, Frederick County

Should I go to Lulu's this Friday?

I'm debating whether to go to Lulu's Mardi Gras club, which is closing Friday after something like a 20-year run in D.C.'s Foggy Bottom neighborhood. Every town and city has one of these places - college students galore, a place where the Miller Lite Spring Break Krew can pay a visit, with the evening hosted by The Real World's Derrick. Body shots half off.


Yo, I'll see YOU at Lulu's, dog. Werd to ya mutha.

At this stage of my life, would I ever, EVER frequent a venue such as Lulu's? Err, no. But this Friday, I'm considering breaking this taboo. Why? Because it's gonna be a twenty-dollar open bar all night! Who can pass that up? Although at the age of 29, I'd be wobbling dangerously over Old Guy At The Club territory. And no one wants to be The Old Guy At The Club. But the $20 open bar is calling me. WWDD? I wonder. That's "What would Derrick do," for all you non-believers. It is, like, totally an epic conundrum.

dc, Food and Drink, bar-hopping, drinkies

Smug bloggers and writers are my superiors in every way

Leave it to some guy who writes for Slate to be in fourth place out of three million in the ESPN office pool. My bracket, needless to say, is dead. I guess the sweet job wasn't enough -- he had to fill out an extraterrestrially good bracket, then breezily type up a story about it as his latest dispatch for Slate.com. But wait, there's more. He couldn't help but mention he filled this out in just a few minutes -- while on vacation in India! Just another day at the office.

So I ask you, Slate guy. Want to sleep with my wife while you're at it? Go ahead, ball her out. No? Because you're dating a leggy Italian pre-med you met back at Columbia? Well, why don't I just drink out of the fucking toilet bowl.

I think I should just throw in the towel here, and admit it -- every Internet writer is better than me on every conceivable level. Let's hand the Nobel over to the Instapundit guy, elect Ariana Huffington president (Boing Boing can be her running mate), rig the lottery for Wil Wheaton, and give Bill Simmons that six-movie screenwriting contract. I would say I was the Charlie Brown of blogging, but that would imply I was in the gang. Maybe all of these superior citizens can come up with an adequate punishment for me between sips of Mai Tai as they lounge on a beach in the south of France and recalibrate their appearance fee scales.

So nice going, guy who writes for Slate. Hey, I think I see an original copy of the Declaration of Independence sticking out of your copy machine. Jerk.

Technorati tags: Writing, Blogging, Slate, I'm a loser, Life sucks

Maryland basketball is women's work

Congrats to the Lady Terps, who last night beat Utah to reach the Lady Final Four. I do not profess to be any kind of women's basketball fan, as watching a bunch of girls named Shay and Tomeka air-balling free throws is not always a particularly enticing proposition. But making the Final Four is definitely noteworthy, and hey, the guys couldn't get it done, that's for sure. So way to go, ladies.

By the way, ESPN's Pam Ward called the game last night. Can we find a little more work for Pam Ward? She's a fantastic broadcaster, and should be used more. Is she not hot enough or something? You can't tell me with a straight face that you just think Hubert Davis (not to mention the Melissa Starks of the world) are better qualified. I side with quality, consarnit. So more Pam Ward, please.

Andy who? Scott Bakula's BACK, baby!

Huge news out of the capital today...no, not Andrew Card resigning...so sorry, other 20 million blogs wasting their time covering that. It is not a resignation, but a reincarnation, that tops the headlines today. Yes indeed...for Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula is back, starring in some play at Ford's Theater! Can you believe it? He is risen!

Seeing as how Ford's Theater is, maybe, the fourth-most-prominent performing arts venue in Washington, it's a bit of a baby step for The Bakula. But it's encouraging nonetheless. And ironic, considering Ford's Theater - best known for bearing witness to a death - is now bearing witness...to a life. A life renewed. Excuse me...I have something in my eye.

Technorati tags: Scott Bakula, dc

Mason erases "mid-major" angle from college basketball

A hearty tip of the cap to giant-killing George Mason University. After beating Michigan State, North Carolina, and Connecticut, hopefully this win struck the death blow to the "mid-majors don't deserve to be in the NCAA tourney" argument, after Gonzaga started the bleeding in 1999. While this is arguably a bad shift for my school, I think it's fairer and makes the tourney more exciting, if that is even possible. With the blue chips eschewing college for the NBA, this is the new incarnation of college basketball.


Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead...

I don't really know what else to say. It's just clear to me that, from here on out, all the "little guys" are for real. GMU beat schools that won four of the last six championships! Mason did this. George Mason. The George Mason Patriots. I mean...good God!

So I got nothing to say. So I'm just going to let Wilbon say it. Way to go, Patriots! Keep it rolling. Huzzah!

(Photo Credit: Travis Lindquist/Getty Images)

final four, March Madness, College Basketball, Basketball, Sports, George Mason, dc

Nah nah nah nah...HEY HEY HEY...Gooood-bye (DUKE SUCKS!)

After last night's big win by LSU, I can sleep a little easier, knowing Dookie Nation is slouching back to its evil lair. I'm not normally into schadenfreude, but watching J.J. Redick cry at the end of the game made me a little happy. A little giddy.

(There there, J.J. I know a place you can retreat to for solace when you're feeling blue -- your poetry notebook.)

It also looks like Dookie Nation -- just as likeable as ever -- will be shedding some tears this morning, as they settle their debts with some LSU folks. Enjoy that crow, guys!


Tyrus Thomas was a force of nature...and he's only a freshman.

As for the game, MAN, did LSU look good. Despite the fact that neither team could throw the ball in the ocean from a rowboat, LSU's tandem of Freshman Tyrus Thomas and Sophomore Glen "Big Baby" Davis (can't wait until he eats himself out of the NBA seven or eight years from now) prowled the paint like hungry bear-wolves, despite the referees' best efforts to foul them out. This happened much in the same way Freshman Garrett Temple silenced J.J. If this LSU team (whose roster only has one senior, Darrel Mitchell) stays together, watch out. In fact, screw that. If their shots start falling, watch out right now!

(Photo Credit: Rob Carr/AP)

final four, March Madness, College Basketball, Basketball, Sports, LSU, Duke

The weather looks mighty fair on that bandwagon...

Handkerchief on stick? Check. Tattered trenchcoat? Check. Hangdog expression? Check. Bag of stolen old lady pills? Check. With NCAA Tournament action returning to Verizon Center tonight, and with the Terps not in the proceedings, I'm a fan without a home. And you know what that means...

Because, the great thing about sports fandom? Fickleness, of course. Example: How many 49ers fans did you know in the 1980s, or Bulls fans in the 90s? How about now? So in keeping with that spirit of shiftlessness, I am stowing away on the George Mason and Georgetown bandwagons. Huzzah!


Who, me? Oh, yeah. I've been a Bulldogs fan for decades!

I actually don't see anything wrong with glomming onto other teams -- especially local teams -- if "your" team isn't involved. I also root for all non-Duke ACC teams under these circumstances. And after reading a great Post article on GMU coach Jim Larranaga today, I defy anyone not to root for him. Also, Mike Wise paints a good, if somewhat less immediately likeable, portrait of the Georgetown program and their slightly, er, deliberate approach to scoring. That's a little like saying Anna Benson is slightly, er, entreprenurial. Anything goes in The Spin Zone.

So huzzah, Hoyas and Colonials, or Patriots or whatever. Help us fans with no other rooting interests be proud to pretend to have rooted for you lo these many years!

final four, March Madness, College Basketball, Basketball, Sports, Georgetown, George Mason, dc

Welcome to this episode of "That's Not A Word"

Welcome, welcome, thank you...well, well, three winners in two weeks! We're just giving the love away! Because as you know, when it rains here on "TNAW," it truly pours!

Let's get right to the action. Today's winner is former NBA player and current ESPN C-list basketball analyst Hubert Davis! Hubert was helping to call the University of Maryland Terrapins' first-round NIT game last Saturday against the Manhattan Jaspers. Toward the end of the game, Hubert, when the play-by-play man joked about you suiting up and entering the game, you responded that you could not, for you would "probul" sprain your knee. We went to the judges, and the judges put their heads together, and Hubert Davis, THAT'S NOT A WORD!

Hubert Davis...defenseless against diction!

Not only is "probul" not a word, but you don't seem to have any discernible broadcasting skills at all! I hate to bust on a local boy (Hubert hails from Burke) but it seems as if you glad-handed your way into this job without receiving any formal training whatsoever! Cases in point: your baffling insistence on referring to Maryland forward Nik Caner-Medley as "Nik Carter Medley" all game long, your mention of Manhattan's recent win over "Farley Dickerson" (not FAIRleigh DickINson), your assertion that Maryland had "a real gripe" at not being included in the NCAA tournament as they trailed the Jaspers by 12 late in the second half, and finally, your mantra-like repetition of one and only one statistic all game. We all understand that "Mike Jones shoots 41 percent from three-point land"! Got anything else? Apparently not!

So for these transgressions, as your prize we're sending you back to the minors, Hubert. That's right - an all-expenses-paid trip to Connecticut School of Broadcasting. With 13 campus locations around the East Coast and Midwest, there's a school conveniently located to you, and you'll "learn by doing" with some semi-state-of-the-art equipment and even a course on fact-finding and terminology!

Good luck to you, Hubert. And we'll see YOU next time on That's Not A Word!

Basketball, Television, ESPN, sports media

For Sale: CA land parcel, perfect for devt., call George (not after 5!), 202-456-1111

Taking a basketball break, and I see the Bush administration and a bunch of timber and paper companies are selling pristine land to the highest bidder in California. Anyone want to go in with me to buy a few acres? We probably only need, like, a few hundred thousand dollars. We could start our own militia! Or trailer park. You know, however it shakes out is cool with me. Just as long as we don't "conserve" it like a bunch of tree-huggers. Those tree-huggers make me sick. For some reason.

Environment, Bush

What's ahead for the Terps?

Well, it's official. After losing to some mid-major team Saturday in the first round of the NIT (ugh), the Terrapin men's basketball season is over. In watching the game, it was clear the team gave up following the out-again, in-again debacle with the NIT. Even Gary Williams wasn't himself, often standing silent during timeouts. The players - even those in their final college game - looked on disinterestedly, champing at their gum like lazy cattle as they were carved up before a half-full-at-best Comcast Center.

Having chronicled the many problems with this team in general and its senior "leaders" in particular, and not wishing to further beat that already gluey horse, I thought I'd take a second to look ahead to next season. What's in store for this program as it tries to forget these last two seasons (shock therapy, perhaps) and return to prominence?

According to Rivals.com, Maryland has the nation's 18th-best recruiting class for 2006, including a much-needed point guard in Eric Hayes, shooting guard Greivis Vasquez, and Landon Milbourne, who looks like another Gist/Ibekwe type. Not too shabby, but no murderers' row either, especially when considering Rivals.com ranks UNC, Georgia Tech, Duke, and Florida State's classes above ours, with Wake only one spot below. Is it just me, or do we need to step up the recruiting? I know it's tough to predict future success based on high school (as the 2001 class demonstrated), but I can't escape the feeling we're being lapped.

I'm especially curious about local recruits. Shouldn't Maryland draw interest from every single DC/Baltimore player of consequence? Why doesn't it? Case in point: Rockville's Kevin Durant, considered the nation's #2 high-schooler behind only phenom Greg Oden. Durant didn't even show verbal interest in Maryland. And this seems all too common. (Carmelo Anthony, Rudy Gay, and Roy Hibbert come to mind from recent years.) I know Gary likes projects, but couldn't we land a real, honest-to-goodness blue chip every now and then, especially if he plays in our backyard?

At least we're getting some fresh blood to add to our decent returning nucleus. Color me cautiously pessimistic, until the new class shows whether it can handle the rigors. Here's hoping we get it turned around. Until next year...Go Terps!

Link to Rivals.com story

Maryland Basketball, Sports, College Basketball

I shall hoist a pint to me fallen bracket

Just got the great news...out of 81 entries in my office pool, I'm tied for 71st. Fantastic! Another tournament, another bracket torn to pieces, another clump of hair ripped out and whipped wildly about the room. I'm happy.

I'm not going to update anymore until Monday, because my bracket destruction theme will get redundant, and I don't have a computer in my home right now because, you know, I live in a van down by the river.

I would be remiss if I didn't congratulate the Aggies of Texas A&M on their upset of Syracuse last night. I lived in College Station for a few years as a kid, and watched countless games at the G. Rollie White Coliseum, so it was cool to see the Aggies get 'er done. Gig 'em!

Finally, I would also like to say HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY, LADS AND LASSIES! It's a day to celebrate your Irish homeland and heritage, and when it comes down to it, aren't we all a little Irish?

Being an Irish basketball fan, I believe I am legally obligated to go out and party tonight. And certainly being no scofflaw, I am happy to comply. I think we're gonna hit up Ventnor in Adams Morgan. Slainte!

final four, March Madness, College Basketball, Basketball, Sports, St. Patrick/'s Day

Lobbying - it's the sweetest sin

In this photo...wait...is that Jessica Simpson? In a dark, conservative suit? Hair pulled back, natural-looking make-up? She must be in Washington! Lobbying for something! Indeed, lobbying's not just for shady dudes. It's for shady dudettes, too! She blends right in, does she not?


Hi, this is Jessica Simpson, speaking on behalf of the Easily Distracted Women's Foundation.

Just kidding, Jessica. It's always nice to see a celebrity stick up for a good cause. You go ahead, girlfriend. If you want to snub W (even though you loooooove him), then go on with your bad self.

Washington Post Story link

(Photo Credit: The Washington Post)

Technorati tags: Washington, dc, Jessica Simpson, Politics

Welcome to this special DOUBLE epsisode of "That's Not A Word!"

Hello, and welcome back to "That's Not A Word!" We're taking a break from our March Madness coverage to bring you this special double episode! Call this the eye of the storm, if you will.

And wow...what a delightful segue! Because our first winner today, taking up the crown from ESPN football analyst Kirk Herbsteit, is none other than the co-host of "Your Weather Today" on The Weather Channel every weekday morning, Mrs. Heather Tesch!


What went wrong? She has the look of a spelling Juggernaut.

Heather, on Tuesday's edition of "Your Weather Today," you were concerned about the effects of the recent deadly tornadoes that swept the Midwest. You asked a fellow meterologist who was on location in the affected area when the town would return to a sense of "normallacy." Heather, after looking up "normallacy" in the dictionary, we've discovered THAT'S NOT A WORD!

But look out! Hold it right there! Don't touch that dial! Because Heather's not the only winner on today's episode! The other winner is George Washington University head basketball coach Karl Hobbs. (That March Madness break didn't last too long, did it?) In his comments to the media following an impressive victory in the NCAA tournament's first round, Hobbs said he admired the "resiliency" of his players. Karl, I'm sorry to bring you down from your post-game high, but THAT'S NOT A WORD!


Better luck next time, Karl.

Your prizes? Well, since Karl is such a fine basketball coach, and Mrs. Tesch is such a fine broadcast meterologist, we thought we'd have some fun with this one. That's right -- you're switching professions! Heather, you'll be editing box scores for the rest of this postseason, and Karl, you'll be proofreading the teleprompter at The Weather Channel. Hope there are no "stroms" in the forecast! If you get my drift! Best of luck to you both, and we'll see YOU next time on THAT'S NOT A WORD!

(Photo credits: The Weather Channel; J. Marquette Associated Press)

The Madness spreads quickly...like syphillis

Well, the first three games are over, and my stupid bracket is already reeling. I had Oklahoma in the Elite 8! And what do they do? They freaking lose to Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Of course they do. Why in the heck-diddly-eck did I think Oklahoma would make the Elite 8? What was I thinking? I'm so stupid...STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! They won like eight games by one point! I thought maybe that would help them "win the close one." What a load of bunk that is--especially if, you know, the game isn't close. Lesson learned, I guess. March Madness Lesson #3,479.

Luckily, however, Sweet 16 pick Boston College, doing the always enjoyable team head-shave, survived in double overtime against Pacific, alma mater of Michael "How in the hell does a millionaire NBA player let his oral hygiene slip to the point he gets an infection in his jaw" Olowokandi.

You can't predict this stuff. You gotta love it. It's mad, I tell you! Simply mad! I wish, however, just once, it wouldn't make me mad in the process.

final four, March Madness, College Basketball, Basketball, Sports

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Who doesn't love March? I don't know, but don't bring that commie crumb bum around me. The weather is getting warmer (at least in theory), it's St. Patrick's Day time (I'm Irish, ya wee wanker), and my birthday falls around now.

But of course, the prime reason why this stretch of the calendar is so awesome is because it provides the setting for the greatest sporting event in America. March Madness. Screw the killjoys who lament lost productivity. I've been hearing more and more of this talk lately. These are the same people who are relieved when the holidays end so they can go back to work. Have another lump of coal there, Scrooge. Can I re-moisten that blanket for you?


cue CBS theme music...da-da-da-da-da-DAAAAAA-da-da-da-DUM-da-DUM-DAAAA-dum-dat-da-daaaaa...Welcome back to our CBS Studios in New York, I'm Greg Gumbel alongside my partners Clark Kellogg and Seth Davis...guys, almost too many shocking upsets to count today, huh?

My bracket? Yeah, I filled one out. Even though the stinking Terps chose to draw a #1 seed in That Other Tournament, which is somewhat akin to trying to rent The Lord of the Rings and returning with That Other Liv Tyler Movie.

But maybe this will be a good thing, as the Terps aren't around to cloud my judgment. My pick highlights include UNC Wilmington knocking off hometown favorite George Washington (I don't have much faith in King Whale Killer's knee, plus those mid-major Carolina schools always play well in the tourney), Wichita State in the Sweet 16, and Utah State beating Washington for my obligatory "12-over-5" pick.

I also have Pittsburgh upending UCLA for a Final Four berth--I've always liked Carl Krauser, and their defense is just so nasty. Perhaps my biggest pick, however, is Villanova winning the whole ball of wax. They play good consistent ball, they've got great guards, and they beat UConn, so what else do you really need? Duke and UConn (my other two Final Four picks) are great, but neither is a juggernaut. And since everyone else is picking one of them, if Villanova can make a little magic (and it wouldn't be the first time) my office pool could be ripe for the plucking.

Can't wait til noon today. Let's get it on!

P.S. Stuck in an office with no video, like me? Let me recommend this here game tracker. It's awesome, baby!

(Photo Credit: The Journal News)

final four, March Madness, College Basketball, Basketball, Sports

New Nationals stadium...meh

Today in the Post, Thomas "the Bozz" Boswell gives his take on the new Washington Nationals stadium blueprints, unveiled yesterday. He says it's either going to be average, or breathtaking.

After taking the virtual tour (available here), I'm going with the former. I'm more in the camp of the Washington Times, who call the design "bland" and "blocky," with "no strong, memorable image." I agree. It's a decent-looking ballpark and all - I'm especially glad they kept with the city's white stone architectural theme. But it doesn't exactly grab me by the lapels, and the view of the Capitol is unspectacular, although at least the view exists, so that's good.


The "Northeast Perspective"

I'm just glad they decided to move forward with a stadium in this location, period. This Web site (it's a terrific site, I visit all the time) gives a comprehensive sense of the entire waterfront revitalization project, detailing what's there now, and what's in the works. And it's not even a comparison. Gentrification, schmentrification. Sign me up. The area's half-oxidized industrial landscape would have been considered run-down 20 years ago. And this project will open up a whole new area for Washington, D.C.--essentially a second downtown. I can get down with that.

So I say, cheers to the overall project. Lukewarm golf claps and a big "meh" for the stadium itself.

Boswell Column,
Washington Times article

(Photo Credit: HOK/The Washington Post)

Washington Nationals, Stadium, Baseball, Nationals, Sports, Washington, dc

Movie Review: Failure to Launch

(FYI Note: One of my work duties is editing my company's monthly employee newsletter. Sometimes I write movie reviews for it. I thought I’d start posting them here, too.)

One of the knocks on the recent Academy Award ceremonies—not to mention the movies they were celebrating—was that they were pretty heavy this year. Very serious. Self-important. Humorless, even. The suggestion has been made that perhaps some movie-goers are growing a bit tired of all this seriousness, and the attendant politically charged, intellectually weighty films. If that’s the case, then Failure to Launch, which opened March 10, will do very well for itself.

If that sounded like a back-handed compliment to you, then, well, you’re right. But the critical opinions (which have already been quite negative) may not matter, as “Failure to Launch” is unapologetically designed to please ticket buyers, not critics. And in this sense, it’s already on its way—topping the box office in its first week with a $24 million take.

Nevertheless, it’s still a bad movie. Facts is facts.

It is often said that good art creates an alternate universe we immediately recognize as our own. Take that, flip it upside down, and you’ve got “Failure to Launch.” It stars Matthew McConaughey as Tripp, a 30-something ladies’ man and his two buddies who all still live in their parents’ homes. And happily so. Mom still makes breakfast in the morning and folds up the laundry, and if a girl ever dares to make the dreaded Where Is This Relationship Going inquiry, one need only bring her home, introduce the folks, wave good-bye as she runs for the hills, and return to your life of skirt-chasing, Chardonnay and non-threatening extreme sports. Who ever figured living with your parents would un-cramp your style?

Of course, Tripp’s parents (Kathy Bates and football celebrity Terry Bradshaw, who—I must warn you—does a nude scene. I’m not kidding) love him, but are ready for him to strike out on his own. Enter Paula (an oddly tan Sarah Jessica Parker), a young professional who makes her living as a specialist in just these situations. She dates guys who still live at home, convinces them to get their own place, then dumps them and cashes the check. The parents are the ones who hire her. Huh? Either way, Tripp is her latest client.

I’m not sure I need to articulate the fact that romantic high jinks ensue.


Matt, we've discussed this. Please lower your hands. This is very unprofessional.

But what a strange version of reality. Starting with that main storyline, there’s just something not-quite-right about every detail. Has it ever, you know, raised any eyebrows that parents pay Paula to date, mislead and then hurt their sons? Am I really supposed to root for this person, or expect that it will pan out? If Tripp’s job is really that of a boat salesman, shouldn’t he, at some point, sell a boat? Or at least reference the fact that he has sold or plans to sell a boat? Why is everyone boozing constantly, but never showing any effects? Every part of the movie is like this--it's not a problem of inconsistent or sloppy filmmaking per se; it's a problem of their world not making sense.

So this alternate reality, coupled with under-developed characters, the predictably predictable ending, lukewarm comedy and dialogue clunkier than my grandmother’s Pinto all combine to give this movie a mechanical quality. It’s as if someone gathered up a bunch of data about modern America along with every romantic comedy ever made, fed it all into a computer, and “Failure to Launch” immediately extruded from the printer. It’s a bland, soulless film.

But in the end, I guess there are worse things. “Failure to Launch” certainly means well, and there's no doubt it’s a photogenic cast—even the house pets have piercing blue eyes. It’s a positive-minded movie that wants to be liked, and it will be. In fact, it just might break the record for the number of times a movie is described as “cute.” And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. People with more critical tastes will pan it, while the Saturday matinee crowd shakes its collective head and wonders what those gloomy Gusses couldn’t find to like in such a cute little movie. Then they will go home, tell someone else what a cute little movie they just saw, and promptly forget the title.

(Photo credit: Paramount Pictures)

Movies, Movie Reviews, Failure to Launch, Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker

Yes! Terps draw a #1 seed!

I am so jazzed and proud that these Maryland Terrapins drew a #1 seed for the second straight year! I mean, sure, if it was 1962, this would be a much bigger deal, but still! I don't know why Gary Williams almost didn't accept the bid, then was forced to when he found out someone had already committed them. That's quite a tight ship they're running over there right now!

So congrats again to the Terps and all our great seniors - I just hope this doesn't go to these kids' heads! At this time next year, it would be a shame for Travis Garrison to get all cocky about this with all his fellow car wash employees. Here's hoping they stay grounded amid this dizzying ride they are taking themselves - and all of us - along for. Huzzah!

P.S. - Get your NIT bracket right here! Hot off the press! Be the first person in your office to fill out an NIT bracket! I've got the Terps going to the third round. Now THAT is some rarefied air. Go Terps!

Maryland Basketball, Sports, College Basketball

Last push for the Terps

Well, they sure make it interesting, don't they? After whooping Georgia Tech last night, the Maryland Terrapin mens' basketball team remains in the postseason hunt, and faces Boston College tonight with a possible trip to the NCAA Tournament on the line. Or, as I like to call it, The Big Dance.

I guess Travis Garrison's claims that the team was going to "shock a lot of people" with a late-season run isn't so far-fetched now. Not that he did anything - anything - to help out (four points on 1-4 shooting, four rebounds, three fouls, one block, zero assists, two turnovers in 13 minutes of my sporting life that I'll never get back). But he's there in spirit. Gold star, Travis. Overall, the team played very well. It might have actually been their most complete game of the season. I didn't watch overly closely because I was too busy taking my buddies' money in a friendly game of Texas Hold 'Em, but it seemed like that Mike Jones three from the corner with a hand in his face set the tone. They were out for blood, and they got it. I hesitate to use phrases like "peaking at the right time" for this team, but we'll see. Boston College will be a far stiffer test.

Either way, Maryland MUST get the win tonight against BC, and probably needs to win their next game too in order to stand a strong tournament chance. I'll be rooting for them. Go Terps!

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Maryland Basketball, Sports, College Basketball

Gobbledy-gook headline, anyone?

Submitted for your consideration. The "Breaking News" banner headline topping CNN.com as of 10:52 a.m. today:

"New Jersey girl missing after phone text messages to mother asked for help found safe, police say."

I see...wait, what? CNN, what are you trying to tell me? That the phone asked the mother for help? That the girl is missing, but the text messages are safe? I think I inferred the meaning (that the girl is okay, which is a relief), but still. Aren't headlines supposed to be, you know, clear? I think CNN.com needs some new headline writers.

Media, CNN

What's with China and spitting

As part of its sweep-the-bad-stuff-under-the-rug-for-the-2008-Olympics campaign, the Chinese government is addressing what is apparently a major problem in their culture: rampant spitting. How charming.

In a March 1 Post story, Beijing city official Zhang Huiguang says they are educating citizens on "the right way to spit."

"You have to spit into a tissue or a bag," she explains, "and then put it into a dustbin to complete the process." Outstanding. I'm never going to look at a bowl of egg drop soup the same way again.

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Apparently, this is a longstanding problem for the People's Republic. They tried to clean things up in 2003 during the SARS scare. I guess it didn't take. They must love their expectorating over there. SARS may cause death, Mr. President, but spitting is my life! And it's not just limited to mucus and saliva! Oh, no. They've got a gum problem, too. The only question now is, where do I get my plane ticket?

China, Olympics, Hygeine

Enough about Matisyahu

Over the last couple weeks, recording artist Matisyahu and his major label debut, Youth, have been getting enough press to kill a senator. He's been written up everywhere - from Rolling Stone and The New York Times to the Toronto Star and Houston Chronicle. His face is all over television - on MTV spots. On Conan O'Brien. On Jimmy Kimmel Live. And the list goes on. And on.

And as of right now, I'm waving the white flag. Please stop! I get it! He's a Hasidic Jewish guy singing reggae and beatboxing! It's wacky! It's novel! It's spiritually uplifting! But enough already! Exclamation point!


A Jewish guy? Singing reggae? Now I've seen everything!

I mean, the guy's music is okay. It's smooth, conscious, and catchy in that white-guy way (he actually reminds me of a cleaner Bradley Nowell from Sublime). But I'm sick of seeing him everywhere, along with proclamations that he's The Savior of Music, and that he's unique and wonderful and trailblazing. Hey, guys? Sorry to break up the lovefest, but this isn't Jimi Hendrix here. It's a Hasidic reggae singer. Is there such a famine in mainstream music that a feeding frenzy breaks out whenever anything remotely interesting gets thrown in the water? Wait, don't answer that.

(Photo Credit: StarPolish)

Technorati tags: Matisyahu, Music, Media, Reggae

Barry Bonds, great baseball player*

Yep, bring out the asteriskeses. There is now incontrovertible proof - in the form of official records - proving that Barry Bonds took steroids. Lots and lots of steroids. (Including one that was designed for cattle. Wha?)

The report comes from a book written by two San Francisco journalists, which will be excerpted in this week's Sports Illustrated. Let's see how Barry blames the media for this one. Or the fans. Or BALCO. Or anyone but himself. It's a hard life he leads, over which he has no control whatsoever. Barry's just another innocent victim. Of, you know, facts.

So farewell, Barry. It was a heck of a tobaggan ride, and you almost got away with it. But it looks like no amount of lying and media bullying is going to get you out of this one. Too bad.

P.S. This is my 100th post. Woo-Hoo!

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Steroids, Baseball, Barry Bonds

Abortion battle lines drawn - that didn't take long

It's very possible that a very large pile of dung entered the rotors of a very slow-moving fan yesterday, when the governor of South Dakota signed a law essentially banning abortion in the state. It would criminalize the practice except when necessary to save the mother's life. Abortions will not be allowed for victims of rape or incest. But the law (scheduled to take effect July 1) probably won't see the light of day for several years, if ever. This will be tied up in legal knots for a long time, and will most likely culminate at the U.S. Supreme Court, or, as I like to call it, the Big Tomato.














I sense a disturbance brewing in the West, young friend. A BIG disturbance.

Inasmuch as it's a direct challenge to Roe vs. Wade, lots of people and groups are already lining up to battle the ruling, suddenly making South Dakota the epicenter of a massive ideological war. Interestingly enough, only scant months ago the Big Tomato gained two abortion opponents, justices John Roberts and Samuel Alito, who is particularly unabashed in his opposition. What timing! It's almost like they planned this whole thing. Amazing!

Republicans really make no effort to be tactful, do they? You've got to hand it to them - they go right for the jugular. I'm sure the Democrats won't be long in convening some kind of caucus on this, only to eventually disagree on everything except for the fact that they need to hold more caucuses, because they really don't get together often enough. And hey, it doesn't have to be a caucus about abortion or global warming or the war or anything "specific." They could just kick it. Take your time, guys and gals.

I wonder how much administration influence was contained in this - S.D. is the nation's fifth least densely populated state, so a law here causes less of a firestorm than a similar law in, say, Texas. I don't think it's far-fetched to say this law is just the calculated next step in a larger plan to get abortion re-heard in front of the Big Tomato.

Either way, it will be extremely interesting to see how this all pans out. May the best side win.

Abortion, Politics

So long, Lavar

Redskins fans got the news they had been anticipating yesterday when the team cut LaVar Arrington, both a) to save cap room (and it saves a LOT of cap room), and b) because Arrington and his agents didn't have a good relationship with the organization (ie, Daniel Snyder) anymore. It's unfortunate, because LaVar was a good player (a touch overrated, but still good) and an even better community, face-of-the franchise guy, because he's a smart guy who seems to genuinely care about the fans and the city he plays in. If he ever had a weakness on the field, it was that he tried to be everywhere at once, and as a result often ended up nowhere. Here's hoping that doesn't happen to him off the field, and that he finds a good fit and lands in a good situation. He was great here, and he deserves a great career. Good luck, LaVar.

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Washington Redskins