Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Wal-Mart paves the way to savings...with SOUUULLLLLLSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, a leak came yesterday. It seems that the lovable, easy-to-root-for, small and unobtrusive Wal-Mart store chain released its list of items slated for low, low pricing on Black Friday, or as normal people call it, the day after Thanksgiving. This is a way to boost holiday sales and, I would presume, help counter financial concerns in the wake of "bad press" (because, you know, their problems are the media's fault) and high gas prices, which they see as cutting into consumer trips.

Its funny that low prices are the move they are making. Heaven forbid they respond to consumer complaints! That would be unpatriotic, er, or something. To wit, in addition to cheap toys and computers, Wal-Mart plans to open 280 of its massive
supercenters, which have previously been criticized for creating suburban (and, increasingly, urban) sprawl, driving mom and pop stores out of business, busting up unions, and generally decaying the fabric of various communities and helping to make every, single town look exaaaactly the same.

Well, I'm on to you, Wal-Mart. Just for blogging this, Storm Troopers (featuring Rollback-priced rifles and Etonic tennis shoes) will now appear in my office and erase me from the grid of normal existence, relegating me to a lifetime of aimless wandering through a hellish Wal-Mart garden section, searching ironically for primroses they swear do not exist, but I could ask the manager if I want, only he's off today, but I could ask the assistant manager, but she on her break. But I do not care. Wal-Mart, we here at No One Appreciates Me cannot be silenced! Tremble in your boots, Waltons! I know all your little secrets. Including the one about how the Wal-Mart heiress
paid someone to do her homework! Do you see? Do you see the scope of my blog power? Repent, Wal-Mart! For No One Appreciates Me is on the case!

As an interesting aside, me and five other guys once spent a full eight-hour day unloading watermelons off a Mack truck at a Wal-Mart. We estimated afterward that there were 2,300 watermelons on the truck. That was a long day. But that's not why I'm mad. I just feel like Wal-Mart feels it can whitewash its transgressions with $4 coffee makers and $39 printers. And, yes, I am aware that they are probably correct in this feeling. Jerks.


ombudsman said...

Is that new documentary playing in DC?

MSH said...

I don't know. How about we go see it together, person who I don't know who you are?

ombudsman said...

TalkingPointsMemo is hiring a full time reporter. Now that you have blogging experience and all.

G-money said...

Harris, you leftist freak (and half-assed Redskins fan), why don't you just buy some Walmart stock (WMT) and enjoy the ride to richville with the remaining Waltons?!

MSH said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MSH said... that you? I am pure magic with hunches. How is anything I said "leftist?" I just reiterated complaints that communities have expressed over Wal-Mart. Now go watch Bill O'Reilly and bomb some abortion clinics, you stereotype Republican. Don't forget - dissent is the lifeblood of democracy, and of progress. Nothing improved that wasn't discussed and argued. And in the end, there is no truth, but only agreement. Aristotle. That has nothing much to do with anything, just thought it was a cool quote.

And ombuds...I have a full-time job I like, but thanks. I'd like to get into freelancing, though, if you run across any of those opportunities.

Longest blog comment...ever...