Wal-Mart paves the way to savings...with SOUUULLLLLLSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, a leak came yesterday. It seems that the lovable, easy-to-root-for, small and unobtrusive Wal-Mart store chain released its list of items slated for low, low pricing on Black Friday, or as normal people call it, the day after Thanksgiving. This is a way to boost holiday sales and, I would presume, help counter financial concerns in the wake of "bad press" (because, you know, their problems are the media's fault) and high gas prices, which they see as cutting into consumer trips.

Its funny that low prices are the move they are making. Heaven forbid they respond to consumer complaints! That would be unpatriotic, er, or something. To wit, in addition to cheap toys and computers, Wal-Mart plans to open 280 of its massive supercenters, which have previously been criticized for creating suburban (and, increasingly, urban) sprawl, driving mom and pop stores out of business, busting up unions, and generally decaying the fabric of various communities and helping to make every, single town look exaaaactly the same.

Well, I'm on to you, Wal-Mart. Just for blogging this, Storm Troopers (featuring Rollback-priced rifles and Etonic tennis shoes) will now appear in my office and erase me from the grid of normal existence, relegating me to a lifetime of aimless wandering through a hellish Wal-Mart garden section, searching ironically for primroses they swear do not exist, but I could ask the manager if I want, only he's off today, but I could ask the assistant manager, but she on her break. But I do not care. Wal-Mart, we here at No One Appreciates Me cannot be silenced! Tremble in your boots, Waltons! I know all your little secrets. Including the one about how the Wal-Mart heiress paid someone to do her homework! Do you see? Do you see the scope of my blog power? Repent, Wal-Mart! For No One Appreciates Me is on the case!

As an interesting aside, me and five other guys once spent a full eight-hour day unloading watermelons off a Mack truck at a Wal-Mart. We estimated afterward that there were 2,300 watermelons on the truck. That was a long day. But that's not why I'm mad. I just feel like Wal-Mart feels it can whitewash its transgressions with $4 coffee makers and $39 printers. And, yes, I am aware that they are probably correct in this feeling. Jerks.