Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Satan inches ahead of Bush in approval ratings

News yesterday that the president's composite poll numbers are at a rock-bottom 35 percent. This is due to the Iraq war, a flaccid domestic agenda, and an ongoing spate of scandals involving current and former administration officials including Paul Wolfowitz, Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzales, Scooter Libby, Donald Rumsfeld, and Michael Brown. Among others.

In fact, the president's approval ratings have dipped so low that he has now been eclipsed in popularity by Lucifer the Light Bringer, the angel who was cast from heaven and is now known as Satan, or The Devil.

The Dark Lord celebrates the latest approval ratings.

"Don't get me wrong, I hate Satan and all," said Bob Smith, a subcontractor from Muskogee, Oklahoma. "But I see a little more upside with him than I do with Bush. I feel like Satan is a little more responsive. Because you can pray to him, right? Does he answer prayers? Or do you have to, like, burn baby candles or whatever in order to do that?

"Plus, Satan can punish people," Smith continued. "Like this guy who lives next door to me, Wayne? Wayne's always drinking beer and laughing and listening to music. And I really hate him. Plus, he's got this compost pile in his backyard that he uses for his garden or whatever? And that thing stinks. I mean, it stinks to high heaven. Sometimes, late at night, I'll run next door and pee in the compost. Just to annoy him. Sometimes I wonder if the stink I notice is just me smelling my own urine as it evaporates in the hot sun. But hey, if this guy is going to insist on having this stinking pile of compost, then I have to pee in it. See how that logic works? It's frontier justice, man. After all, the thing is on his property, so what can I do? Except for the peeing, of course. Which I already mentioned."

The poll results come on the heels of rumors that Lucifer is considering a 2008 presidential run.

Poll: Bush approval stands at 38% [CNN]
World Bank Panel: Wolfowitz Broke Rules [Washington Post]
Putting the Squeeze On [U.S. News and World Report]
Crossing A Line At Justice [USA Today]
Jury Convicts Libby on Four Charges [MSNBC]
Bush Ousts Embattled Rumsfeld [Washington Post]
'Can I quit now?' FEMA chief wrote as Katrina raged [CNN]

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