Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The following Christmas songs must be destoyed

In No One Appreciates Me World, the following Christmas songs are banned from this point forward, no discussion:

Sleigh Ride - I'm getting another cavity just thinking about it.

Christmas Time by Bryan Adams - Actually, this is a good directive for all Bryan Adams songs.

O Holy Night - The classic and Mariah Carey versions can stay, but from here on out all other versions get the shepherd's crook. This song is too nice for it to become a prospective notch in the bedpost of every American Idol contestant who can (or thinks they can) hit that high note at the end.

All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth - Listen and let me know if any further explanation is required.

Merry Christmas Darling - Just a terrible song. And it doesn't help that Karen Carpenter's voice makes me want to put my fist through the radio. Yes, yes, I know she died of anorexia, and I'm very sorry about that. It's no way for anyone to go. Nevertheless. Fist through the radio.

Snoopy's Christmas - How is this a Christmas song?

We Need A Little Christmas - Replace the word "Christmas" with the word "Cocaine," and suddenly everything is crystal clear.

Christmas Time Is Here - The second Peanuts Christmas song to make the list. Sensing a trend? I blogged about this a while back. This song is an absolute funeral dirge, and it makes me want to drive my car through the guardrail every time I hear it. Which is often. Please help me.

9) Every modern pop song that's just a regular song with the word "Christmas" thrown into it. "Baby, come home for Christmas," "Baby, you don't love me on Christmas no more," "Baby, Christmas doesn't like it when you don't have my money," and so forth.

Basically, we should stick with the classics. I love the classics! Why must we always muddy the waters with crap? We've got a great thing going with the classic Christmas songs, and everyone just has to jump on the bandwagon for fame or money or religious brownie points or whatever. Aren't the basic songs enough? I say yes. Thank you for your consideration.

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