Thursday, December 29, 2005

Top 16 Bold Prognostications for 2006

Well, there's no getting around it: in general, 2005 was a, how do you say, incredibly crappy year. The hurricanes, political strife, nations at war under controversial pretenses, an increasingly dangerous and polarized and public and harder world. And the Terps missed the NCAA tournament. Not good times.

Personally, however, it's been pretty good. Getting married, landing a serious job upgrade, buying a house, and several other very positive developments made 2005 truly memorable for this guy.

Either way, as we forge intrepidly into this, The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Six, I would like to offer 16 bold predictions - nay, prognostications - for the coming year. Without further ado, the grand prognostications are as follows (in no particular order):

311 will record a Christian album.

2) Those fatcats in Congress will be at it again.

3) Eugene Levy and Snoop Dogg will sign on to make "Ghostbusters 3: The Return of the Keymaster."

11) The Maryland Terrapins WILL make the Sweet Sixteen.

9) Wal-Mart will phase out health care coverage for
robot workers.

4) Former low-carb dieters everywhere will pretend they don't know what the term "low-carb diet" means.

5) Anna Kournikova will pose for Playboy, but the pictures will be all artsy and unerotic.

The Coors Light Twins will pose for Playboy. The pictures will be decidedly non-artsy.

7) The Mets will finish last.

8) The book burnings will begin in earnest.

10) The
nature backlash will continue unabated.

12) Quik Fuel, a new milk-based energy drink, will cause widespread confusion and nausea, often simultaneously. And thus will milk continue to beat unavailingly on the walls of the magical fortress that is the MTV demographic. And the world will grow just that much colder.

15) You will catch bird flu.

16) No One Will Appreciate, AT ALL.

That's it for me. Happy New Year. Hopefully.

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