Throw it DOWN, young man! Throw it DOWN, big fella! Well, as the holiday season descends upon man and beast here in the United States, it becomes important to look back and contemplate the various matters that are so important to life and to living. It is a time of reflection.
And in that spirit, here is my reflection: The Washington Wizards are absolutely, positively the WORST team in the National Basketball Association!
What's that you say? I had a different opinion before? What a ridiculous notion. That is easily the most prePOSterous statement I have ever heard in all my years on planet Earth. But enough about that. Let's move on to the discussion of a new planet. Planet Basketball.
And right now, the Bullets, er, Wizards, are in the subterranean portion of that spinning globe, my friends. Three consecutive losses and a heart-breaking 9-14 record have the team and the natives throwing absolute fits. Fits, I say, Marv. First, a loss to the magnificence of Kobe Bryant and the indomitable Los Angeles Lakers. Then, it was defeats at the hands of the luminescent Ray Allen and the Supersonics of Seattle, and prior to that it was my beloved Portland Trailblazers, for whom two former local chaps turned good - Maryland Terrapins Juan Dixon and Steven Blake - did in their erstwhile professional mates.
What are the reasons for this putridity of play, you ask? Unfortunately for Wizards players and fans, the answer is blowing in the wind, as the bard Robert Dylan might say to us. But rest assured that it is due in no small part to Antawn Jamison, who is currently mired in the most HORRRRRRIBLE slump I have ever seen from any athlete in any sport. He is simply unable to remember how to play the sport of basketball. And secondly, by their galling and appalling lack of defensive presence. One might conjure up the old ghosts of Hemingway in describing them, as the Wizards are downright matadorean on the hardwood.
And by the way, I would have to vehemently and categorically disagree with the honorable Michael Wilbon and his view that Indiana Pacer forward Ronald Artest is too high of a risk for Washington to acquire. My question to you is, where is your courage, Michael? Where is your sense of adventure? Why not take a chance on this misguided but talented young man? Surely there are not as many temptations in Washington as there are in Indiana. And I challenge you, I defy you, to explain how he is not a perfect fit for the Wizards in every way in which the mind can conceive.
But what was I saying? Ah, yes. The Wizards are HORRRRRRIBLE. How obvious are their mistakes? How egregious these crimes against basketball? Even Washington Post humor columnist Anthony I. Kornheiser has picked up on them, and is taking the team over his metaphorical knee as punishment for their sporting transgressions. And here's another holiday wish: let's hope, for the sake of this team, our Nation's Capital, even the very sanity of the civilized world, that the Washington Wizards heed these punishments, and take their lessons aptly. We will see tonight as they tangle with the Denver Nuggets, who are attempting to right their own ship, and are optimistic that the visiting Wizards can help them in accomplishing this goal. We shall see if such flippancy is enough to awaken the fires within this Washington team.
In the meantime, this is your humble servant Bill Walton wishing you all the very best of life and the holidays. And until next time, throw it DOWN, big man! Throw it DOWN!