Friday, July 21, 2006

Wal-Mart wins Maryland court victory, has really f-in cheap party

A few months ago, the Maryland state legislature made a law that basically required all Wal-Mart stores in the state to provide a certain amount of health care for their employees. Yesterday, that law was struck down in federal court.

Thereby touching off the WILDEST, WACKIEST WAL-MART-ABRATION seen since they realized that bladderless children could sew shirt buttons for twenty extra minutes each day!

Welcome to party central, playa. What up Bentonviiiiiilllllle!!!!!

You've heard about the lavish extravaganzas thrown by Diddy, and some of those corporate types? Well, those parties have nothing - NOTHING - on a party thrown by the largest company on the planet. Everyone gathers at headquarters in Bentonville, Ark. They take down the movable walls between conference rooms A and B. And that's when the Simply Soda begins to flow like wine. Immigrant girls - who were "sequestered" in the conference rooms the previous night for set-up - circulate through the room with bulk cans of fancy mixed nuts (no more than 80 percent peanuts - THAT'S your Wal-Mart guarantee).

Now it's a Wal-Mart party...

And after exactly 19 minutes of pure revelry, it's back to work for Wal-Mart. But hey, court judge? Don't think you were forgotten. Expect eight silk carnations in the mail any day. You know, the ones that smell like Band-Aids and come with a little plastic bird on a stick? Vase not included, though. We're not made of money here at Wal-Mart, buddy.

- Washington Post

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ombudsman said...

I've heard about people like you, Scott. You're probably sipping a latte right now to wash down that smirk, aren't ya? You see, here in small town America, Wal-Mart is doing us a favor by keeping prices low. That saves ordinary families like mine money. Trust me, I did the math. Wal-Mart is even hiring all the people laid off at my local textile plant, and my local plastics plant, and my local plant plant. See? They are doing what is best for Americans. I know you probably can't see that through all the books you're busy reading out there in Washington, but you should come out here sometime and take a look. I've gotta a carnation for ya and you can probably guess where i'm gonna ask you to stick it.

I.P. Daily said...

Woo hoo! Let's pop open a bottle of Martinelli's.

There is no argument that Wal-Mart employs the otherwise unemployable, just like the residents of this guy's pathetic hometown in Pennsylvania. The reason why us Upper West Side of DC Liberals feel the need to mock Wal-Mart is that they're too cheap to give his neighbors health benefits, while the Waltons keep getting richer in their ivory towers. I will take pity on this guy when his town has a viral outbreak. It will start in aisle C right near the firearms, and an unfortunately timed red light special will cause neighborhood residents to flock to the source. In a twist of irony, the store's employees won't be able to afford the perscription drugs availalbe in aisle P. Left unchecked, the virus will strengthen and spread through the town like wildfire.

MSH said...

Ombudsman, if that last sentence was a threat, it backfired. I like the way cheap silk feels on my nether regions. It reminds me of my days as a dime-store prostitute.

Yes...when Wal-Mart drives all a small town's businesses out of business, it does take the admirable step of re-hiring those people - well, most of them, anyway - to work at Wal-Mart. Sure it's for less money and fewer benefits, and sure their products are of a lower quality because they force suppliers to use lower-grade materials to keep costs low, but no, you're right.

Myself and city-boy know-it-alls like me should stop picking on Wal-Mart. I should just eat my organic arugula salad and shut the fuck up.

I.P., I think I smell a reality television show. Ten people, allotted only the money they'd make as a Wal-Mart Associate, trapped in a Wal-Mart indefinitely, forced to purchase things for survival. And to make it interesting, one aisle is infected with a virus. But which aisle? Which one?

ombudsman said...

Fewer benefits and less pay is an understatement.

Have y'all read Nickel and Dimed? Funny read.

The way Wal-Mart does business reminds me of how Jack Abramoff shut down an Indian Casino in Texas and then received millions in lobbying cash from the Indian tribe to re-open it (despite Abramoff bribing Congressman Bob Ney, the casino never re-opened).

But hey, Wal-Mart is cheaper so it must be better!

MSH said...

That one's on my list but I haven't read it. I have read the Wal-Mart Effect, which is a fairly neutral but quite revealing take on the whole thing. It just came out this year and I very, very strongly recommend it to anyone interested in learning more about Wal-Mart, regardless of your personal opinion of the company.