Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Dear Haley Scarnato: please flounce away now

With this week's American Idol results show only HOURS away -- can you taste it? HOURS! -- I am hoping that my least favorite Idol female of all time gets the boot. And noooo, I'm not talking about Sanjaya. I'm talking about the no-talent ho, Haley Scarnato.


Tonight, I'm singing "Legs," originally legged
by Legs McLeg. Can you leg it?

Now, before you go suspending me for two weeks, I want to make my case. And here it is -- Haley Scarnato stinks at singing. That's it. She is not good at the part of American Idol that it is most important to be good at. Did you hear her version of "Turn the Beat Around" last night? Lot of soul there. And by "soul," I mean "hapless, breathy floundering." She loves to hear percussion like I love, I don't know, eating dog shit. The back-up singers were carrying her. She was terrible! And when the judges called her out, she shrugged it off. Why? Because she spent last week preparing to prowl the stage in increasingly higher heels and shorter skirts, not actually, you know, rehearsing the damn song. So what does it matter if they hate her singing?

Far be it from me to take issue with an attractive woman doing her thing, but is that the sole reason people are voting for her? Are these people aware of this medium called television, on which a hot girl appears approximately twelve million times each day? If you turn on the TV and do not see a hot girl, wait ten seconds. It's like shooting fish in a barrell, only the fish keep jumping out of the barrell and swimming up your ass. There's no sport in it. You don't need to vote for Haley Scab-not-ho (bada-bing!) to see a pair of legs on TV.

Hot girls are a dime a freaking dozen. So cut the line on Haley. Please! I can't listen to her flounder on stage anymore and then toss her hair at the judges because they dare to make this into a singing contest. She must be stopped.

Get her off, and then we'll attack Sanjaya together. I promise. And if none of this convinces you, just think -- the sooner she gets voted off Idol, the sooner she can start negotiating with Playboy.

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2 comments:

fr1sb33bk said...

I already pre-ordered the PB issue! I wanted to put my dipstick in her resevoir.

FieryDamsel said...

She's got a doughy, butter face...not sure she's worthy of a glossy. I think she should aim for smoking hot body double. Too bad you don't see panty hose ads on tv anymore...that could have been her big shot.

Wait - what happened to the panty hose tv ads? Am I just not noticing them or are they really not on tv anymore?