When Minnesota state police went to arrest a Wisconsin man recently for having sex with a deer on the side of the road, they probably figured it was just another night at the office. Drive the deer-fucker downtown, book him, and bada bing bada boom, let's go to Denny's. Just another garden-variety deer-fucker made to answer to The Law.
But guess what? Those cops were wrong this time. They was wrong! Permit me to elucidate.
It all started out innocently enough. They charged the deer-fucker with misdemeanor sexual gratification with an animal--pretty standard, right? But are you ready for the curveball? Ready? The deer was dead. It was roadkill.
Ooh, baby. This feels so wrong, but you're lookin so right!
And that's where the law takes its crazy turn. The charge was "sexual gratification with an animal." According to the news account, Webster's dictionary defines "animal" as "any of a kingdom of living beings." LIVING BEINGS, YOUR HONOR! LIVING BEINGS! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?! SHUT THE BOOK, CLOSE THE CASE, PRAISE THE LORD AND UNLOCK THE CUFFS!!! THE DEFENSE FUCKING RESTS, YOUR HONOR!!!! THIS BOY'S GONNA WALK!!!
I actually don't know what's more disturbing--that this loophole exists, or that the logic-driven part of my brain actually (gah) understands the loophole. I guess, since there was no harm done to any living thing, it's okay? Technically and jurisprudentially, it's okay to fuck roadkill?
You know what? I should probably just stop typing right now. If anyone needs me, I'll be shivering in the bottom of the shower. Awesome.
- Deer assault case presents unusual issues [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
P.S. Shout-out to DB for passing this along.