New Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has recommended that actor/comedian Michael Richards be nominated as head of the Congressional Black Caucus.
"I see no downside to this nomination," Pelosi said. "I'm really building bridges here. Bringing my party together, with the bridge-building, and the consensus-reaching, and the united front getting things done, and so forth. We're a breath of fresh air combating the Bush administration. Because to me, you're either with me, or you're against me."
The move comes shortly after Pelosi seemingly bucked her party's wishes by declining to name Rep. Alcee Hastings chair of the powerful House Intelligence Committee. Pelosi also recently snubbed Rep. Steny Hoyer, with whom she had widely publicized differences, for House Majority Leader. In a sharp rebuke she clearly learned much from, her fellow House Democrats elected Hoyer anyway.
"The Hastings and Richards nominations are very different from the Hoyer situation," Pelosi explained with exaggerated slowness. "The first guy is named 'Ho-yer.' The other guys are named 'Has-tings,' and 'Rich-ards.' I really hope you don't need any more explanation of the distinctions here.
"Do not get on my shit list," Pelosi continued. "Because you will NEVER recover. You do NOT want to get on the bad side of THIS, my friend." Pelosi then licked her thumb and touched it to her skirt while simulating a sizzling noise with her mouth.
"What promises to get beyond Beltway bickerings and get things done?" she said. "Promises, schmomises. I'm running the show here, and I'm settling some motherfucking scores."
Richards, famous for playing Cosmo Kramer on TV's "Seinfeld," was recently caught on tape using harsh racial epithets against African Americans in a comedy club.
"I can't wait to head the Congressional N***** Caucus," Richards said. "I'm uniquely qualified. Chalk up another one to Nancy Pelosi, the great uniter of her time. In two weeks, she has done more than people should have ever expected. So don't be a bunch of n*****s about this. Okay, n*****?"
"Michael has apologized for his actions, and I have accepted his apology," Pelosi added. "I pity you if you aren't able to give this man a second chance in society. Someone who doesn't forgive, why, that's almost as bad as not supporting the troops. Which I do, whole-heartedly."
"I will smack you in the mouth," she concluded. "I am Nancy Freaking Pelosi."
- Pelosi Passes Over Hastings for Intelligence Chair [Washington Post]
- Democrats Pick Hoyer Over Murtha [Washington Post]
- You're a raaaabid anti, er, blackite! [No One Appreciates Me]
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