I try to cast as uninformed a vote as possible

Dear No One Appreciates Me,

Well, I had to write...because I just got back from the voting booth! And I'm reveling in my participation in the political process. Hey! Guess who's wearing his "I voted" sticker? That's right...it's me. Someone's getting laid tonight!

I'm not even going to recap the stories and the stakes for this election. Because that would mean I knew what they were. To me, voting is like a movie. You have to go in as fresh as possible. Let the names of the candidates be a surprise! Let them wash over you right there in the voting booth. You know what I'm saying? Don't ruin the surprise for yourself. There's so little wonder left in the world today!

At first I was paying attention to all the negative TV ads, but I stopped after a while because they always wanted me to call so-and-so and tell him to stop doing such-and-such. Like I need more work to do -- whatever! And of course, they're never 800 numbers. Typical. It makes me so mad! They're like, tell him to stop supporting terrorists. Tell her to stop writing lesbian novels. Tell him to stop lusting after our white women. Three words, dudes. Blah, blah, blah.

Look, all I know is, I get up in the morning and come to work. And there's this homeless guy on the corner who smells like tinkle. Now I don't know about you, but I don't like the smell of tinkle, particularly not in the morning time. So I wrote a letter to the mayor of my state, asking him to please do something about this homeless man, or at least the tinkle smell. Can you guess what happened? Nothing. That's right. Can you believe it? I know...our tax dollars at work. :)

But I figured I should vote anyway, just for the sticker that will surely entitle me to at least one night of free poon. It's like my fake wedding ring -- a sure-fire chick magnet, baby! So once I was in the booth, I just went ahead and checked off all the least ethnic-sounding names that I could. I don't know many of the issues, but I think it's safe to say all my political beliefs are generally encapsulated in not voting for ethnic people. So that's that. And the beauty is, my vote counts just as much as yours! I'm so full of pride that I could puke. See you around, bud!

Sincerely,
Hot Enough For Ya Guy

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