Quite a curveball, huh? Bet you didn't see that one coming. But don't credit me. For I am merely the conduit here. All credit is due to Bomani Jones, the ESPN Page 2 writer who crafted that lead in the first place.
Apparently, the Purple Woman Eater has been dancing in platform clogs for so long that he now needs hip replacement surgery. But just for you, Super Bowl, he's gonna power through the pain. Only for you. Because you're so special. Can he call you Super? Supes? Whatever fulfills your fantasies, baby, that is what he will call you.
Baby, back up, you're on my bad hip, baby, my hip,
back up, AAAAAHHHHH! BITCH, GET OFF MY HIP!
So there's your story. Done. But since there is this diabolical invention known as a "required word count," Bomani has to squeeze 900 words out of this non-story. So what does he do? He interviews experts who attest to the fact that dancing motions are, indeed, centered in the hips. Being an Amish person from Planet Mars, I had no idea.
Here's what Mark Anthony Neal, a professor of African and African-American studies at Duke University, had to say:
It was generally accepted that one had to be seriously shaking their hips, if one was really going to get funky.Fascinating, thank you, Doctor. What is most interesting to me here, though, is that a person referred to in the story as "one of the foremost authorities on black popular culture" teaches at that hotbed of blackness, Duke University. That raises his street cred geometrically, right? I'm sure Stanley Maplesworth III really got in touch with his roots after he took Neal's course at Duke, before heading over to the polo grounds for scotch and sodas with the frat brothers. Smashing good class, Nealsy. Just smashing. Oh, and that Prince fellow? I'll have Daddy write him a check.
No Longer a Citizen of Funkytown [ESPN]
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