Monday, June 19, 2006

I OD'd on sports this weekend

And now I'm slowly returning to normal. But I figured that, before the DTs kick in, I should record my over-the-weekend takes on what I'll call The Wide World of Sports. You can't use that phrase by the way - I made it up and I own it.

I can totally quit whenever. Let's
watch another game, man!

I'll go chronologically. Thoroughly entertaining 1-1 tie Saturday afternoon between the U.S. and the I-talians. Had a chance to watch this one at a bar, and it was crazy how packed the bars get now for the World Cup. It doesn't even get that way for Redskins playoff games. Very interesting.

Anyway, Italians are very, how do you say, passionate about futbol, which they like to call The Beautiful Game. During Saturday's match, the Italians threw some very beautiful elbows, took some very beautiful flops, and drew some beautiful red cards - the most passionate of cards. They also scored a beautiful own goal that was The Equalizer for the lazy, dispassionate Americans. (I love that phrase - a tying goal is The Equalizer. That's awesome. It makes American sports phrases like "upside" and "walk-off home run" seem kind of pedestrian.) Better luck next time, Italians. And go Americans this Thursday against Ghana.

Secondly, congrats to the Washington Nationals for winning their weekend series with the Yankees. The Nats needed something like that. Capped off by Ryan Zimmerman's walk-off home run Sunday afternoon, it could be the biggest series in their short history. Way to go, fellas. We need a better phrase for "walk-off home run," by the way. How about "The Atomizer?" Or since it's the final nail in the coffin, how about a "Coffin Door Home Run?" Book it. You can't use it, though. Another patented phrase for The Wide World of Sports.

Thirdly, there was the U.S. Open. I wonder if Amy Mickelson is done changing the bedding that her husband shat all over Sunday evening. Just painful to watch. Mickelson tried to be Cowboy Bob the whole day (especially the total, total spit-up job on 18) and pissed away the tournament. Remember on the third or fourth hole when he drove into the rough and tried to do something cutesy with a fairway wood instead of just punching it out, and the ball went about six inches, followed by Mickelson punching out with a wedge and eventually making bogey? That decision was the difference. I really like The Left-Hander (even though he shills for Satan) and hope he can get back to that victory-before-glamor style. You have to feel bad for Colin Montgomerie, too. You can tell he'll never get another shot at a major. Monty's choke had a sad finality to it.

Finally and probably best, though, was the awesome Game 5 between Miami and Dallas in the NBA Finals. The fourth quarter and overtime bursts from Wade and, to a lesser extent, Nowitzki were unbelievable. What can you say about Dwyane Wade? He's the bomb. I know that's an outdated phrase, but screw you, hipster police. It's appropo. Dwyane Wade is The Bomb. Give me Wade over LeBron, Kobe, whoever. He was shaking two, three Mavericks at a time to get his shots off, and the two free throws at the end were just nails. Also, let us not overlook the gutty play of cagey veteran Gary Payton. Hopefully, Pat Riley starts going more with Payton at point guard over Jason "I have a nervous tic where I needlessly jump in the air before every pass that I make" Williams, especially late in games. GP knows this is his last chance, and unlike certain golfers that shall remain nameless, he rose to the occasion.

So that was The Wide World of Sports this weekend. Delightful. Don't get many weekends like this too often. Hope everyone was able to savor the overdose. Now if you'll excuse me, my chicken soup is getting cold, and my methadone is starting to dissolve. Good day then.

Washington Post article on
U.S. Open
Washington Post story on
Washington Post story on
Nats beating the Yankees

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