Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Miller Lite Smithsonian Institution expresses regret over Small's departure

It is a dark day for museum lovers, as Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence Small has resigned amid controversy over his spending of taxpayer dollars on swimming pool maintenance and personal travel, among other things.

Throughout his career there, Small was the subject of vitriol from the academics of the institution. Which, henceforth in this post I will refer to as "the dweeby nosepickers," or just simply "the nosepickers."

Stuffy museum scientists lack this kind of vision.

Anyway, the dweeby nosepickers had a problem with the fact that he was giving away things like naming rights to rich donors (for example, the American History Museum building is now called the Kenneth E. Behring center, and so on). I say, think bigger, guys. Picture this -- the National Air and Space Museum, fueled by Mountain Dew. I can almost hear that museum's demographics skewing younger. How can you not be on board with this kind of modern thinking? I'll tell you how. Because you pick your nose all the time.

People also got upset because he gave himself a salary of $915,000 (or more than twice the established base for Smithsonian executives) as well as perks like $273,000 in maid expenses. And I'm taking "maid expenses" here to mean "sex with maids." You can't pull the wool over my eyes on that one, Lawrence, you devilish dog. How else could you possibly spend that much money on maid services unless they were dripping hot lemon wax on your genitals while the wife was on holiday in Malta with that falafel-hued pool boy, whose "expenses" we also heard about?

He also, according to the dweeby nosepickers, wasn't overly committed to research. But here's the flip side. He raised record amounts of money. That's it. Argument over. What else do you need? Oh, you think the Smithsonian's "soul" is more important than that? Please. Buildings don't have souls. They're inanimate objects. Check, and mate. Nosepicker.

And furthermore, when was the last time you went to the Smithsonian to see their awesome research? I've never seen any compelling "research" exhibits, have you? Ooooh, look, honey. The nosepickers are about to conduct some research right in front of our very eyes. Get the camera ready! Yeah, I don't think so, pal. What Small realized that the dweeby nosepickers did not, is why people like museums. They need more exciting stuff that you can buy with lots of money. For example, I was in ESPN Zone the other day, and they had little television sets over the urinals. Can you believe it! Television sets over the freaking urinals! And you could change the channel by simply redirecting your urine stream onto a different quadrant of the specially formulated urinal cake! Amazing. I may have dreamed that last part, but still. This is what you museum nosepickers should be coming up with! The world doesn't need another moldy painting or historical artifact. We need television sets you can control with your urine stream. Research that. Jerks.

And until then, I'm boycotting the Smithsonian and its "one-of-a-kind experiences" or whatever. Lawrence Small was right, nosepickers. And down the road, when you're lighting cigars with the special flame only produced by centuries-old parchment documents, you'll know who to thank.

Smithsonian's Small Quits in Wake of Inquiry [Washington Post]
Smithsonian Institution Announces Biggest Single Donation in its 154-year History [Smithsonian Institution]

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1 comment:

i.p. daily said...

Everyone knows that demogrpahics skewing doesn't make a sound. This post is just ludicrous.