Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Worst Songs Ever

Some dude on is soliciting votes for the worst song ever. This is the Pringles of votes - you can't pick just one.

So as I resist the urge to put every Billboard Top 10 hit recorded after 1995 into a thousand-way tie, here's my list (in no particular order):

1) The Guess Who,
"These Eyes" -- First of all, the lyrics are completely hysterical - not funny hysterical, hysterical hysterical. At the end, the singing devolves into a kind of desperate wail, and if you've ever heard an enjoyable desperate wail, you're one up on me. This song is like listening to your buddy pour his heart out about a girl, and he just gets waaaay too emotional and it's uncomfortable to hear. And the girl wasn't even all that cool.

2) Miracle,
"Bounce" -- This guy makes Lil Jon look like Rakim. Finding a mindless rap song these days is like scratching your crotch in public - it requires no real thought or effort, if you decide for some reason that it's something you really want to do. But even so, this gem from 1999 still manages to stand out.

3) Black-Eyed Peas,
"My Humps" -- See #2, and read the linked article to Slate which, seeing as how they are my superior, sums it up so much better than I ever could.

(One extra note, though: "My Humps" makes sexiness unsexy. I mean, who wants to get down with some lady lumps? Do you have breast cancer, Fergie? Is this a subtle cry for help? Throw in the fact that Fergie once peed her pants onstage, and this is the unsexiest sex song ever.)

4) Tom Jones,
"What's New Pussycat" -- The hot-and-bothered "Whoa, whoa, whoa" howl in the chorus makes me nauseous - I can almost smell Jones' b.o. just thinking about it. But hey, he's got flowers - and hours - for you. I don't think I'm being too harsh when I say that any woman who found or finds him attractive ought to be sent to the kennel and euthanized, for her own good.

5) Uncle Kracker, "Drift Away" -- Not even link-worthy.

I'm sure right after I click the "Publish" button, I'll think of 100 more. But I'll stick with these five. Can't go wrong.

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