Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Next on ABC: Satan delivers State Of Hell Address

Last night, expert takes-himself-too-seriously guy David Blaine tried and failed to set the world breath-holding-underwater record, while ESPN's takes-himself-waaay-too-seriously anchor Stuart Scott narrated.

And I just have one question: when, exactly, did I die and get sent to the Inferno, and what, exactly, did I do to get here? It was that dig on Chris Burke, wasn't it? I knew I shouldn't have made merry at the expense of the handicapped. And now, I am paying for it.

Yo. Dog. Blaine be on a mission, son. Believe that.

As Blaine struggled to escape from the life-sized snow globe in which he had floated all week, he lost his breath and had to be lifted from the tank. Of course, all of his distress was disturbingly captured live by ABC cameras as Stu Scott said things like "Yo, holla at this...astronauts experience the same feelings David is feeling right now. Heavy." Of course there is no water in space. But who's counting?

Blaine's poor condition was not a huge surprise, as reports hinted at his worsening state - a state which, of course, didn't prevent him from doing interviews.

And it didn't stop him this time either. Looking weary but satisfied, like he'd just saved the world rather than failing to escape a snow globe, he said "I am humbled." It was akin to a man holding up wads of cash and saying "I am poor."

I can't wait to see what Blaine's next trick will be. Maybe him and Stu Scott can lock themselves in a room. And that's it.

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